KGirl - one year later

[gan]

I don't have a response to your questions above. I just wanted to stop by and wish you well today. All things considered you sound like you are in a strong place and I'm sure you will make the best decision for you.

[jim0987]

What's the downside to contested where you are?

[KGirl]

Jim- the main downside is this first step (the petition/summons). If it is a joint petition/ "uncontested", both of us sign it, and it's considered a joint action. If it is a single petition/"contested", then he is filing a lawsuit against me. I have to be served the paperwork, notify the court I have received it, and then file a response, saying I either agree or that I want the case dismissed (if I say I want it dismissed, it doesn't really matter, he can still move forward and they grant a divorce as long as one person wants it). After that, the steps/paperwork are the same for our situation. We agree on the property settlement/division so we would submit a settlement agreement - you can do that regardless of how the process starts. So really, the downside of not signing the joint petition is A) I'd have to be served (which could be embarassing.. what if a sheriff shows up at my work? and I'll have no idea when it might be coming), B) I have to do additional work to file/mail a response. Right now if I do a joint petition H will make the copies and submit them (so he says, at least. He wants this so I don't see a reason not to believe him).

[KGirl]

Even though it's not really a "joint" decision, filing jointly seems to make more sense, from a business standpoint. Less paperwork, less $ spent, less running around, less contention. I would rather have the business part go smoothly than hold it up because "it's not what I want." And really, at this point... how much do I really want to be married to someone who is moving forward with legally divorcing me?

[jim0987]

The whole legal divorce thing is something that i havent got my head round in terms of what is best to do.

if in the end the only difference is that saying it is joint will save you time, effort and money then its definitely worth considering especially if its no fault.

depending on the difference in paperwork and $ it the 'contested' route might sit more comfortably because it puts all of the emphasis on him and at the same time means you can stand by your principle of not wanting D. you dont have to argue against it and can just accept it but at least then it is him divorcing you (which it is)

in the scheme of things though im not sure whether this is a hill that really matters compared to the fact its what he says he wants in the first place.

[claire7]

(((K-Girl)))

[KGirl]

Oh, I did forget to mention that - we live in a no-fault, community property state, so the reasons why or who asks for it will have no bearing on any of the outcomes. In addition, because of the length of time we've been married, if we did contest things the court would look to restore each of us to what we had prior to the M rather than split things evenly (so I would very likely not get any support if our incomes were very disparate, for example - they aren't, so I'm not concerned about that).

[jim0987]

I might have missed it somewhere.

if either way its no fault and all the practicalities mean the joint decision is better for you then i'd guess thats the way to go - especially if it means he is going to do all the work.

Having said that there are many wiser than me who may have a different view.

[KGirl]

Well, off to meet H. I really don't want to go into the house so I'm bringing a clipboard so I can sign outside or in my car Fingers crossed he doesn't say something and I flip out (like.. "This is going to be expensive"..... well, you didn't want to "waste money" on books or counseling, so this should be better, right??)

[zew]

KG, I think it's all kind of moot.

If your state allows no fault, then contested/joint filing really doesn't matter much. Joint filing can move faster, at least here the court schedules those first. Also here, contested has a 6 month waiting period from file date. That can buy some time while the gravity of the whole thing sets in on spouse.

I proposed collaborative D to W, to take open marriage off the table (I cannot live like that). She responded with contested D. It will be much more expensive; another thing out of my control. So, ya, I can say "She started it!", but that is of no solace. Also, I think that 95% of D's end up being presented to the court as "joint" once you come to a settlement (regardless of how they were originally filed), because *nobody* wants to leave things in the hands of the judge.

Something to check - in my state you don't have to be served by a court officer. Spouse (or L) can mail you (your L) the complaint, and you just have to notarize receipt and file it with the court. You save the fee/embarrassment of sending the sheriff out.

depending on the difference in paperwork and $ it the 'contested' route might sit more comfortably because it puts all of the emphasis on him and at the same time means you can stand by your principle of not wanting D. you don't have to argue against it and can just accept it but at least then it is him divorcing you (which it is)

True, but as Jim says, what's that worth? You will always tell people that D was not what you wanted, regardless of the actual form/procedure.

And really, at this point... how much do I really want to be married to someone who is moving forward with legally divorcing me?

I think this sometimes too. But you and I both know that we might feel differently if our spouse rounded the corner and were genuinely ready to do the work. In some aspects, I am glad the D clock is ticking. If she doesn't figure herself out in the next few months, I know I'm ready to move on. So it's less a question of whether I want to be married to her, I do; but I am equally prepared for either outcome and ready for the decision to be made.

-Zew