KGirl - one year later

[KGirl]

Aaaargggghhh. No, I still feel pretty awful. Left work early. Having trouble making it through the day sorts of feelings. Seeing him and talking with him just threw me in this tailspin and I feel like I'm starting all over and am so desperate to have him back. Not feeling confident in being alone at all.

I feel like I saw some potential positives or hopeful things, like:
-he obviously finds me attractive still
-he likes spending time with me and talking to me
-he said it'd be hard to find something like we have again and it would take a really long time to know someone that well
-he said this wasn't how he wanted this to end up.

But then there were all the negatives:
-he said people don't change (but yet there were other times where he referenced that people can, like "what I've wanted has changed over time"?)
-he said that he can't be satisfied having only dated one person, he's always going to wonder what else is out there. I can't really do anything about that, unless I'm just so awesome he becomes uninterested in anything else...
-he expressed that he wasn't going to date or do anything physical with anyone while he was still married because he was morally opposed to it, but said it in a way like he was counting down the days until it could happen. Asked me things like "would you come up to me at a bar if I was wearing this jacket?"
-he outright said he wasn't going to change, didn't see a need.

So I start thinking about missing him and being attracted to him and 10+ years of memories and goals and experiences and I don't want to throw that all away. I really want to be able to forgive him and get past this and maybe have something new. But then all the anxieties creep in.. can I really believe him that there hasn't been someone else (I mean there was clearly an emotional thing with his coworker which hurts just as much)? That doesn't necessarily mean he hasn't been trying or scoping things out. He's been traveling a lot for work, who knows what he's been doing. There's so much lost time - I just don't know if I'm capable about not being jealous and anxious about what he's been doing the past 6+ months. Can I really accept him as he is if he doesn't change? I don't think so. Maybe he would change if he saw I could, but maybe not at all. And then I think this would be impossible. And it doesn't matter at all if he refuses to be open to the idea.

I guess this is why I can't talk to him or see him, and why it has to be "all" (or at least trying to make it work) or nothing. The friends thing will keep me on the roller coaster forever. It's like I can't talk to him or see him without getting into a conversation and him being flirty and me getting my hopes up. When we kissed he put his hands around my face and stroked my hair and said "don't cry.. you don't need to cry" and WHY can he do that and then say he wants to be with other people and leave me behind? I asked him if he was happier, then, without me. He didn't know.

[KGirl]

So no, I don't think I can talk or text without expectations that it could lead to something more. Obviously a year later I'm still not far enough away from it to be able to do that. It feels like an addiction - just a little bit won't be enough, I'm either in over my head or I need to quite him cold turkey and stay FAR AWAY.

[Pink17]

Don't do anything on the heat of the moment, obviously you are not in any condition to make decisions right now.

Take your time honey, rest a little bit. Give yourself a chance to be angry, sad.

The D is not easy to digest, but it is not the end of the story. As I understand, you just signed the D. COOL DOWN...a little bit and when you feel better, more reasonable; then think that until the D is definitive there is some things to do.

In my state even if the D is very agreeable it will take no less then 3 months to have it final and signed. And that is if one part doesn't contest anything.

So if it is the case in your state, you got some time to smooth things up.

While waiting for the D procedures, what could you think you would be willing to do?

*** One thing that helps me to put more in perspective about my H is to remember everything I didn't like about him. Like some times he said something mean to me and it hurts, or he ate a salad full of onions, or he just sat there, lazy all day and I was working my A** off.

Somehow my prince becomes an ugly frog.

So sweetie, give yourself a few days off, not H business at this point. When the hardest pain settles down, then start thinking again. Maybe some vet can came to the rescue and give some wise ideas...

We care about you... when are you going to start caring for yourself?

Gazillion Hugs
Pink

[Maybell]

KGirl, I'm sorry that was hard for you but I'm glad it was hard for him. you are amazing! I'm looking forward to watching your next chapters.

[vossy]

KGirl, you and I have such similar stories so I am always drawn to your thread, but I haven't been around in a while. When I read about your meet up to sign the papers, I see a glimmer of hope, although perhaps I shouldn't say that. I think you've done everything right at this point, and you've shown (him and yourself) you can be okay without him. And you ARE going to be okay. I think you've still both got a long road ahead, but your situation sort of strikes me as that "7 year itch" situation, where someone feels like by being married they are "sacrificing" some other potential life. Unfortunately, that [censored] and it hurts. But your H mgiht feel free now to go out there and pursue whatever "life" he feels he was missing, and he might soon find that there's nothing out there. Naturally, you may move on in the meantime, but you just never know..

I hope that actually makes sense but I'm a bit blurry today (literally.. my eye is really blurry, haha).

[TLEE86]

KGirl, I am so sorry you are going through this process but I am always amazed by the grace and class that you handle yourself with when dealing with your H. Even down to your...sex story...ha. I know there's no way I would have said no but that's probably not the right answer. I can't offer too much advice but the only thing I can see is that your H seems very torn between what he wants... He like you said is obviously still very attracted to you and enjoys talking to you, but like you've also mentioned there's a part of him that is simply wondering what else is out there. Unfortunately the only thing you can do is continuing to be the best you possible, which I think you are doing awesome at.

Once he starts exploring he will soon see that the grass is not greener on the other side, and he is losing the best thing that's ever happened to him.

I don't know if this is a stretch but it almost sounds like he respects you enough to not start looking around until you guys are officially divorced, like a lot of WAS Who start looking even while they're still married and that leads to A's. Let your husband run, he'll run outta string soon and I feel like he will soon come back to you once he realizes that there's really nothing else out there.

It's obviously up to you if you can handle communicating with him or not but by being the best you, you will present yourself always as the better option. Keep your head up and again I am really amazed by how well you handle yourself.

Just my thoughts

[KGirl]

Wow.. well thanks, everyone, because I sure don't feel like I'm doing a very good job right now! Opposite of detachment right here, if you want to see what that looks like. Feeling better now that I took the time to cook a dinner, that involved a lot of vegetable chopping. Focusing on the cooking part was helpful, and I felt better about not getting takeout/spending more money that I don't have.

Pink - yes, all I did was sign the filing petition (which he did not even sign before I got there and he had it printed weeks ago). After it's filed (H said he was going to do that Friday) it's a minimum 120 days before the final hearing.

Maybell - heh yes, it wasn't as simple as "here's your stuff and sign this." He was a little teary, he said several times he didn't want it to be like this. He wanted to model clothes for me and tell him what I thought of them and if the pants he bought were too tight because he had to take his friend shopping and he doesn't think his friend has good judgment. AND after all that he didn't get laid. Poor guy.

Vossy - that's pretty much how he laid it out. That by dating since high school he never got to see what else was "out there" and he always wonders if it'd be better or easier or happier with other women. He feels like he missed out on things because we were together (he seemed to say it was more than just dating other people, like missing out on "life"). I do think it's quite possible that he'll get out there and not be any happier, but he'll either be too stubborn and proud to say anything or I'll have moved on and not want anything to do with him, or both. It's hard to imagine being OK with him coming back down the line and saying "OK, I saw what was out there and experimented with that, but now I want you!" Eww.

Tlee- believe me, it was hard to say no. I pondered it in my head for a bit and it really put me on the spot. But ultimately, my standards are that I don't want that with someone I'm not in a relationship with, and clearly there is not one with him. I want it to be about love and respect and being comfortable and trusting someone and it's not any of those things with him right now. He says that due to his morals (I don't even know what to say about that, where were his morals other times?) that he won't do anything with anyone (date, sex, etc.) while we are still married.. but he could very well be out flirting with girls at bars or collecting phone numbers or who knows what that doesn't qualify for him as "immoral." I don't feel like I'm handling myself too well so thank you for the vote of confidence

[labug]

K, could you love your H and be M to him right now, just as he is?

Has he changed in ways that would make him a good partner during the S?

[paul19510]

K, could you love your H and be M to him right now, just as he is?

Has he changed in ways that would make him a good partner during the S?

this is a great question. Kgirl, you ARE growing and changing. We only know him from your words. Is H doing the work? Only YOU will be able to tell.

Also, you provided a small clue above about being happy. You cooked dinner and got involved with that. Can you find more experiences like that to help sooth yourself while this process unfolds?

(((Kgirl)))

[labug]

ed. Has he changed during the S in ways that would make him a good partner?