I don't know how to post my question without giving you the long story so if you find this topic interesting, let me know and I'll lay it all out. The history really matters...
Basically...my WAW is saying that our sex life never had any passion or chemistry. I agreed that we started off a bit slow but that it picked up and I remember us both having a few really hot encounters. She says she didn't like those and that she doesn't love me the way a wife should love a husband. She has no desire to please me she says. I agreed our sex life needs some work but we haven't DONE any work so...she also just had an emotional affair where she developed feelings for a guy at work and it led to her lying to me, meeting him, and almost sex (yes, I believe her that it wasn't sex). She admitted it would have been had she not stopped it.
So...
What do I believe? How do I talk to her about this? If she has valid feelings I don't want to steam roll them, but some of this just sounds so crazy and I'm worried if there's no voice of reason then her confusion will just run off with the show and she'll be gone. I disagree with a great deal of what she says but I don't want to sound like I'm selling her as she is leaning out right now. Again though, I don't want to validate all the claims she's making and reinforce what I see to be a misconception.
I am in a very similar situation. My W states that she does not feel pleased by my and does not have any need to please me (unless she is drunk)....ouch
We have 3 kids and have been M for 20 years...ouch #2
I believe she has had a EA for the last few months but nothing more...but is curious...ouch #3
What I have done that has worked 1. I identified it and set bounderies. "If this is what you want then I will not stay in the way of your happiness. I want to keep this family together and provide like I have. This person is a threat to our family and marriage. If you choose that let me know before it happens so I can make arrangements." 2. I continue to show I care, but am not clingy (at least I try) 3. I do not believe what she says or some of the things I see. "we never had a connection...never had good sex...only stayed together due to the kids...not ever attracted to you..." all bullshit and I know she knows it at some level which prevents me from getting mad. When I see things that I find odd, (her in her phone, facebook, talking to someone...) I remind myself that it is in my mind. 4. I remind myself why I am doing this daily, for myself, my kids, and my wife (even though she does not understand it) 5. Get out and GAL, detatch. 6. Do not bring up your relationship with her, set the bounderies and let her live with the consequences of her actions.
What I struggle with: 1. I walk a line between detaching and holding her (because we both reach out to eachother) 2. Our kids know something is up with her and it is emotionally draining 3. I am male and if the EA is valid (may be just in my mind...but if they get together ) and or turns into a PA it will trouble me deeply...
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
I don't know how to post my question without giving you the long story so if you find this topic interesting, let me know and I'll lay it all out. The history really matters...
History is important... Timeline, things changed for a reason. A phone call, an inappropriate convo where the lightbulb went off, something...
Originally Posted By: Zach_6
Basically...my WAW is saying that our sex life never had any passion or chemistry. I agreed that we started off a bit slow but that it picked up and I remember us both having a few really hot encounters. She says she didn't like those and that she doesn't love me the way a wife should love a husband. She has no desire to please me she says. I agreed our sex life needs some work but we haven't DONE any work so...she also just had an emotional affair where she developed feelings for a guy at work and it led to her lying to me, meeting him, and almost sex (yes, I believe her that it wasn't sex). She admitted it would have been had she not stopped it.
That's bull. You guys had it at one time, but your stability and love allowed her to look around. You see betaizing yourself kills some of your attraction spark. Attraction is part of the program too, and to have attraction may mean you do some things that are not logical or even responsible...
She probably has someone else that she has these feelings for. You have been compartamentalized to a "beta provider", and the other guy is the hot "alpha" good for sex and provoking strong feelings.
Originally Posted By: Zach_6
So...
What do I believe? How do I talk to her about this? If she has valid feelings I don't want to steam roll them, but some of this just sounds so crazy and I'm worried if there's no voice of reason then her confusion will just run off with the show and she'll be gone. I disagree with a great deal of what she says but I don't want to sound like I'm selling her as she is leaning out right now. Again though, I don't want to validate all the claims she's making and reinforce what I see to be a misconception.
Well, the best thing you can do is let them have what they think they want. Who says she has the show anyway. Tell her go on ahead, see ya!
You will gain a bunch of self respect immediately.
I am in a very similar situation. My W states that she does not feel pleased by my and does not have any need to please me (unless she is drunk)....ouch
We have 3 kids and have been M for 20 years...ouch #2
Having to have drinks for someone to be "freaky" in the sack might not be such a terrible thing. Some just have inhibitions and need the juice to let it out.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
I believe she has had a EA for the last few months but nothing more...but is curious...ouch #3
Last few months or on going at several periods of times and PA's. That would have killed your sexuality in her eyes.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
What I have done that has worked 1. I identified it and set bounderies. "If this is what you want then I will not stay in the way of your happiness. I want to keep this family together and provide like I have. This person is a threat to our family and marriage. If you choose that let me know before it happens so I can make arrangements."
If she cant keep her legs closed to take care of her family, then tell her to take her self on. Tell her go. You can't stop her from doing what she wants to do, and when you stand up for yourself and mean it you will be more attractive.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
2. I continue to show I care, but am not clingy (at least I try)
Nope, you can't be. You can't ask for sex, beg or grovel or ask if you look good, etc. Best thing you can do is look good, smell good, dress good and go somewhere else. Many cheaters get mad when their spouse is catching the attention of others.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
3. I do not believe what she says or some of the things I see. "we never had a connection...never had good sex...only stayed together due to the kids...not ever attracted to you..." all bullshit and I know she knows it at some level which prevents me from getting mad. When I see things that I find odd, (her in her phone, facebook, talking to someone...) I remind myself that it is in my mind.
It's not your mind hers... She's likely fogging you due to an EA or PA. So she cannot remember yours were good, nor can you convince her otherwise. The best thing you can do for yourself is step out with someone else.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
4. I remind myself why I am doing this daily, for myself, my kids, and my wife (even though she does not understand it)
If she has made herself someone elses wife through repeated consumations, that's no longer your wife. However the other guy usually never signed up to take care of someone. He wanted free sex at the husbands expense. Let her go to her lover, let him take care of her, because it is a high probability this is much further than he was willing to go.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
5. Get out and GAL, detatch.
This is the most important thing. Be social with other attractive and lovely ladies. Look good, smell good, be good around them. Many women don't take well to their men being snapped up or looked at by other women, they will usually do what is required.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
6. Do not bring up your relationship with her, set the bounderies and let her live with the consequences of her actions.
Hard to keep boundaries if you are going to keep taking care of her. You can pretty much tell her if there is a single more incident that she is out of there, either that or you are gone.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
What I struggle with: 1. I walk a line between detaching and holding her (because we both reach out to eachother)
As long as she is pulling away and saying your sex wasn't good, you have to be stronger. Be true to yourself. Do not reach to hold her. Let her hold you if she wants. Do not initiate the sex act or ask for it, let her initiate it. You need to build up your desireability through not being so available. Pull back, sometimes it's required.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
2. Our kids know something is up with her and it is emotionally draining
Hey bro, you might have lost this one and it's ok. Sometimes the manipulations required to get them back will get me kicked off of this forum. But a good practice is to let them have what they think they wanted. Affair sex is dirty and slimy and the "lovers" never intended to provide for them.
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
3. I am male and if the EA is valid (may be just in my mind...but if they get together ) and or turns into a PA it will trouble me deeply...
You may already be several PA's given that she cannot remember you guys had seriously hot sex for a long period of time. It's just so convenient to provide her an excuse why she needs other mens to service her.
After Christmas she stated that she wanted to seperate (again) and I said to go. She wants to move out and have some type of agreement (legal seperation) to state that she did not walk out on the family. Split kids 50 / 50 and recieve financial support from me. I make 4X what she does but if she changed jobs she would make 3/4 of what I do. She wants to do this without lawyers (as do I as I think we could handle it and save significant money).
She also states (and has repeatedly) that this is the only way that she can see if she really wants to spend the rest of her life with me (which I half believe). She also wants me to help her with this process.
My question is...I know that we are not supposed to help them and make them do the work so that they can understand the effects of thier actions but if I leave it to her she may seek legal help and I will be forced to do the same (which would be a nightmare). If she is set on this course of action is it best to facilitate it in light of the above?
As most of us, I still want it to work but am reaching the point that I do not think that ANYTHING will change her...regardless if there is a EA or PA. However should I try to confirm the PA (hire PI, investigate further) if it is occuring for future use?
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
After Christmas she stated that she wanted to seperate (again) and I said to go. She wants to move out and have some type of agreement (legal seperation) to state that she did not walk out on the family. Split kids 50 / 50 and recieve financial support from me. I make 4X what she does but if she changed jobs she would make 3/4 of what I do. She wants to do this without lawyers (as do I as I think we could handle it and save significant money).
She also states (and has repeatedly) that this is the only way that she can see if she really wants to spend the rest of her life with me (which I half believe). She also wants me to help her with this process.
My question is...I know that we are not supposed to help them and make them do the work so that they can understand the effects of thier actions but if I leave it to her she may seek legal help and I will be forced to do the same (which would be a nightmare). If she is set on this course of action is it best to facilitate it in light of the above?
As most of us, I still want it to work but am reaching the point that I do not think that ANYTHING will change her...regardless if there is a EA or PA. However should I try to confirm the PA (hire PI, investigate further) if it is occuring for future use?
How is it going now? Are you guys still in limbo or has it been broken up?
I hope you are at a point where you are concerned more about you and the well being of your children. Also things should be "yours" and "hers", but not "ours".
