Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4)

[Little]

Last thread hit 11 pages, here's number 4. I've decided that angry is the way to go, because it's the only stage I haven't hit, yet.


Recap courtesy of my last thread:

Maybe I should run down all the reasons that I can't be with BF unless he does some serious personal changing:

- He cheated on me not once, but twice
- He left me to move in with another woman
- He lied about all of it, including that there was no one else, that he was sleeping with someone but not in an R with her, that he wasn't moving her into our apartment when I left, so on and so forth [now they're buying a house, golly gee, that was quick!].

Add to that that he only sees negative in all of the years he and I R'd and while he seems to think I'm an "amazing person" he's adamant that he and I together "just don't work".

Maybe not being angry at him is just stupid and I should start from there in my attempts to move forward "with or without" him, because from his perspective it's certainly going to be "without".

Tally ho.

[Little]

I came home from work today to find a shut off notice for the gas in my mail box. Apparently when the USPS changed my official address from the old apartment, they changed the billing address on the bill I forgot to switch.

Don't worry, I called and had them put it in his name. They can do that in my state due to a roommate clause -- they'll notify him and he has X amount of time to respond that it should continue in his name before the service is shut off. I texted him and got a "no problem, I'll take care of it".

Yeah, I've been out of that apartment since October 1 and he's been living with OW and her daughter and he's still up to his old tricks as to being careless with money WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I WAS NOT COMFORTABLE GOING INTO BUYING A HOUSE WITH HIM. He had ZERO savings and wasn't keen on working toward that goal, because he was Mr. Instant Gratification.

Now that he has her savings and her money and her credit and they're buying a house, I wonder who's going to be paying the bills he never pays on time? I mean, he waits until he gets a pink envelope for his car insurance because a pink envelope reminds him he needs to pay it -- EVEN THOUGH THAT'S THEIR NOTICE IT'S ALREADY LATE.

And she's a small business owner, to BOOT, getting into this mess with him?

HAVE FUN WITH THAT, OW. HAVE FUN! *WAVES* Not my headache anymore! Heheheheheh.

[Vanilla]

Love it, love it.

What about the water and electricity? If he has not done one bet the others aren't done either. Charming and there is a child in the house too.

Well done Little, you have let go of the rope.

Chuckling
Vanilla

[Little]

It's a rent -- the water is the landlord's and the electric was always in his name.

[Calibri]

Tally ho indeed.

Embrace the anger. You have every right to be. See where the anger takes you.

What's the saying, the only way past it is to go through it?

----
And who buys a house with someone that quickly?

[Little]

Cal: More to the point, what kind of a mother moves D7 in to a house she bought with a man who broke off a 10 year R only four months prior...AWARE of his history of cheating? Everyone in this sitch has been set up for a failure and I hope OW bounces when she falls from that height. And that her D7 is some how spared from the fallout.

I talked about it at IC once (asking why it was that they got to be happy and I was the one that had to be hurt when I hadn't done anything wrong in terms of lying/cheating and whatnot) and he told me that their sitch was not happy, it was bullcrap that was well disguised in the first stages of newness, and it would show its true colors before long.

Anyway....I just got into the meat of the book "Women Who Love Too Much". Man, what an eye-opener! I see very much of myself in this book, I'm going to seriously take notes and try to learn and grow.

[Dawn70]

Hang in there, Little. You seem to be doing fairly well, all things considered. Continuing to send positive thoughts and prayers your way.

[Little]

Thanks, Dawn! I don't know if I'm okay or not but I'll take being angry over being sad and depressed, any day.

My emotions are going up and down today, but by and large I decided on my (long) commute to work that BF is not a man of integrity (doing the right thing, the right way) or honesty (telling facts as accurately as possible, and not leaving anything out).

Not only is it reality that he doesn't want to R at this stage, I also decided I couldn't take him back unless he was sincere about wanting to change the above. So it's like a double-whammy.

I guess we'll see what plays out, right now he's not even talking to me -- which I find hilarious because I've done nothing wrong. Hehehehe.

[Little]

Okay, I want to document low PMA in the moment so I can try to figure out how to combat it. Right now I'm feeling:

1.) Resentful of the fact that that BF has gone NC and I'm needy for contact. I don't know why. I recognize that he needs space and time and that we most likely will speak again in the future, even if that's a long time down the road.

2.) Unncessarily worrying about whether or not BF intends to magically change for OW and whether or not their R will implode sooner, rather than later.

So as Mozza suggestst, I'm going to count to three and remind myself this is a marathon and not a sprint. Nothing will change today, I can let go for the next minute until it turns into the next and so on. NO ONE knows the future and mind reading and guessing and assuming doesn't help.

And I'm going to go back and read my thread to remind myself why I should be in the angry space and not the depressed space!

EDIT: I think it's the time. For the past 10 years about now is when I'd be thinking of leaving work to go home to BF.....

[Card29]

Very healthy thoughts, Little. I wanted to thank you for the encouragement you gave me