Last thread hit 11 pages, here's number 4. I've decided that angry is the way to go, because it's the only stage I haven't hit, yet.
Recap courtesy of my last thread:
Maybe I should run down all the reasons that I can't be with BF unless he does some serious personal changing:
- He cheated on me not once, but twice - He left me to move in with another woman - He lied about all of it, including that there was no one else, that he was sleeping with someone but not in an R with her, that he wasn't moving her into our apartment when I left, so on and so forth [now they're buying a house, golly gee, that was quick!].
Add to that that he only sees negative in all of the years he and I R'd and while he seems to think I'm an "amazing person" he's adamant that he and I together "just don't work".
Maybe not being angry at him is just stupid and I should start from there in my attempts to move forward "with or without" him, because from his perspective it's certainly going to be "without".
Tally ho.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I came home from work today to find a shut off notice for the gas in my mail box. Apparently when the USPS changed my official address from the old apartment, they changed the billing address on the bill I forgot to switch.
Don't worry, I called and had them put it in his name. They can do that in my state due to a roommate clause -- they'll notify him and he has X amount of time to respond that it should continue in his name before the service is shut off. I texted him and got a "no problem, I'll take care of it".
Yeah, I've been out of that apartment since October 1 and he's been living with OW and her daughter and he's still up to his old tricks as to being careless with money WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I WAS NOT COMFORTABLE GOING INTO BUYING A HOUSE WITH HIM. He had ZERO savings and wasn't keen on working toward that goal, because he was Mr. Instant Gratification.
Now that he has her savings and her money and her credit and they're buying a house, I wonder who's going to be paying the bills he never pays on time? I mean, he waits until he gets a pink envelope for his car insurance because a pink envelope reminds him he needs to pay it -- EVEN THOUGH THAT'S THEIR NOTICE IT'S ALREADY LATE.
And she's a small business owner, to BOOT, getting into this mess with him?
HAVE FUN WITH THAT, OW. HAVE FUN! *WAVES* Not my headache anymore! Heheheheheh.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
It's a rent -- the water is the landlord's and the electric was always in his name.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Cal: More to the point, what kind of a mother moves D7 in to a house she bought with a man who broke off a 10 year R only four months prior...AWARE of his history of cheating? Everyone in this sitch has been set up for a failure and I hope OW bounces when she falls from that height. And that her D7 is some how spared from the fallout.
I talked about it at IC once (asking why it was that they got to be happy and I was the one that had to be hurt when I hadn't done anything wrong in terms of lying/cheating and whatnot) and he told me that their sitch was not happy, it was bullcrap that was well disguised in the first stages of newness, and it would show its true colors before long.
Anyway....I just got into the meat of the book "Women Who Love Too Much". Man, what an eye-opener! I see very much of myself in this book, I'm going to seriously take notes and try to learn and grow.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Hang in there, Little. You seem to be doing fairly well, all things considered. Continuing to send positive thoughts and prayers your way.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thanks, Dawn! I don't know if I'm okay or not but I'll take being angry over being sad and depressed, any day.
My emotions are going up and down today, but by and large I decided on my (long) commute to work that BF is not a man of integrity (doing the right thing, the right way) or honesty (telling facts as accurately as possible, and not leaving anything out).
Not only is it reality that he doesn't want to R at this stage, I also decided I couldn't take him back unless he was sincere about wanting to change the above. So it's like a double-whammy.
I guess we'll see what plays out, right now he's not even talking to me -- which I find hilarious because I've done nothing wrong. Hehehehe.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Okay, I want to document low PMA in the moment so I can try to figure out how to combat it. Right now I'm feeling:
1.) Resentful of the fact that that BF has gone NC and I'm needy for contact. I don't know why. I recognize that he needs space and time and that we most likely will speak again in the future, even if that's a long time down the road.
2.) Unncessarily worrying about whether or not BF intends to magically change for OW and whether or not their R will implode sooner, rather than later.
So as Mozza suggestst, I'm going to count to three and remind myself this is a marathon and not a sprint. Nothing will change today, I can let go for the next minute until it turns into the next and so on. NO ONE knows the future and mind reading and guessing and assuming doesn't help.
And I'm going to go back and read my thread to remind myself why I should be in the angry space and not the depressed space!
EDIT: I think it's the time. For the past 10 years about now is when I'd be thinking of leaving work to go home to BF.....
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
trying to work out how to combat the low PMA is good especially if you can find away to head it off at the pass - may be a song or a poem that you can use to lift yourself up somehow.
If its time specific about going home - is there something positive you can add to your going home journey on a regular basis that you can look forward to?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I don't know. I'm a loner by nature. I'm quiet and tend to keep to myself; I don't have a ton of friends so I end up missing the person that was my best friend for 10years....the one I could just text before I left work and ask if he wanted to go out for dinner or whatever. The person I used to babble to about my day or funny jokes or whatever. My support, my comfort. I feel that loss very deeply.
I do have one very good friend with whom I go out often, so it helps, but....it's not the same.
I think that's why I have such a hard time with things like this: I choose my "inner circle" carefully and only let certain people in. When that trust is betrayed, it hits me hard.
Anyway, I'm looking into an apartment tomorrow. Time to get out of the temporary place I'm staying at. It will be a sort of in-law type apartment in a house, private bath and entrance. Shared kitchen and laundry, but that's no big deal. Sort of excited and sort of apprehensive about it, I think because it's my future for me and me alone. We'll see if it looks promising or not.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
A thought just crossed my mind, figured I'd write it down:
How does someone do what BF has done and not feel massive amounts of debilitating guilt?
I'm not sure I could do it. I'm not sure I could cheat, witness the hurt and devastation of someone else because of my actions, and then insert a new person into my life immediately in the place of my old SO but basically live the same life with someone else playing the part of X going forward.
Not only am I pretty darn sure I couldn't look myself in the mirror again, but I think I'd be so distraught by what I'd done there's no way I could commit myself to someone with out a whole metric TON of shaky problems stemming from it.
I mean, objectively, now. Not just, "That's what I'd like to think, and it's easy for me to say that because I'm standing where I am."
I mean SERIOUSLY, how does someone dole out this kind of crap (and this isn't the first time he's done it!) and then just tip toe through the tulips like it was collateral damage that couldn't be helped?
I'd be so screwed up by what I'd done, I'd be a wreck.
Hmmmmmmmmmm.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
You convince yourself you had no choice and that had you stayed youd be sacrificing your happiness. Then you do what you can to not face it - another person (all the new chemicals and relationship excitement) is the perfect distraction.
Until your on your own you don't have to think about it.
That and some people don't feel guilt
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
What makes you think he has no guilt? We don't really know what's going on and the vets keep telling us that our WAS are not as happy as they look (based on piecing stories). Heck, just look at the image we're projecting to them! I've cried every single day for 3 months and my W has seen nothing but happy me.
Also, don't focus too much on how you both feel today. I understand that it feels like a happiness competition: I feel the same. But, again, life is a marathon and we should all work on our long-term happiness, not some short-term satisfaction. He's no good with money, he's not faithful, he didn't want kids and now he's buying a house with a separated mom. Good luck to them. Now just get through your moods today and think of what you can do to beat him to the happiness game in the long run.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks, Mozza. You're always so good at putting me in the place I need to be in.
I'm okay right now. I say that with no lying. My PMA is neutral and it feels good to not be teetering on the edge of it. I have IC after work.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
If he was feeling guilty -- how would that make you feel?
If this isn't the first time he's done it, I'd venture to say it's a learned behavior that he finds acceptable and doesn't think twice about the damage left behind. Because, it's left behind. He doesn't have to deal with the fallout.
Hope IC goes well for you today. I have one too. Fun Fun.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
GAL doesn't require a full inner circle, or life long friendships, only like minded people doing things they enjoy together. Of course we all need best friends but we also need GAL mates too.
GAL mates can be all ages, I was at lunch today with a 93 year old discussing politics and economics (including bit coins). Tonight I am going Salsa with 24 year old. All it needs is shared interests for now, today. You don't have to make a long term commitment, just go GAL for today and enjoy yourself with all the wonderful people in the world. You won't need trust at all, just see how it goes. Act as if and happiness will follow.
Get out and GAL. GAL as no one has galled before. Your online GAL pal Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/12/1407:51 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
OH my god, you guys, what a day! For the first time since BD I'm actually sort of excited about something!
I went and saw this apartment today after work and I'm floored. The situation is that it's a house with an in-law type apartment in the basement. It has its own bedroom, bathroom and private entrance, with a small living room area. It's nothing huge, but enough for a Little trying to get her feet under her and two cats.
The house itself is gorgeous and someone else (who is a quiet professional woman, older than me) is renting the upstairs portion; we'll have to share a kitchen and a laundry room. I went to dinner with her tonight to get to know her and I think we'll suit really well.
So, that said, I think I'm going to take the apartment and move out of where I am.
Sort of apprehensive about the details shaking out, as well as her time line (she wants to get us settled in before January!) but I have a good feeling it will work out for the best.
The bedroom is a tiny bit small, and I hope my Queen sized bed will fit, but other than that I feel like it will be plenty of space for me.
Deep breaths, this is kind of scary, but in a good way!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
That's great news, Little! Moving into my own place made a total difference - especially as I see and interact with people in the hallways. Sounds like a really good fit for you.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I'm staying with family now since I moved out of my apartment with BF in October, so this will be a place I can get totally buck naked and dance if I wanna.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Dealing with some sadness today. I'm bored, I think that's why. Went out to just get out, but I wandered aimlessly, thinking. Bad idea, I know. My good friend is on a trip this weekend so she's not available to keep me busy.
If wishes were fishes, man, I'd turn back time....or make a miracle happen. Blah.
Tomrrow is a new day. I do not know the future.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
"If wishes were fishes, man, I'd turn back time....or make a miracle happen. Blah." Yep.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I don't want the crappy R, but I want a BF that was not thinking about leaving. I guess I'd have to know, back in time, what I know now and be willing to fix it, and save it. Hahahah.
Okay, so in the end that's not possible, but you never know if a miracle is right around the corner.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
A machine that means i can turn back time but keep what i've learnt, definitely want that for my Marriage but also think I should memorise a boat load of lottery results.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
There's a meteor shower tonight. I went out and stood in the cold and wished upon some stars. I prayed, too.
For those of you in warmer climates, you might want to check it out.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
The lottery does give guaranteed results. Spend a couple if quid, have a few days imagining what it would be like to win. Don't win. Realise youre a couple of quid worse off.
Its a money back guarantee to boot
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Having thoughts today that are stinkin thinkin. WABF must be super happy and why would he ever want to reconcile? Probably doesn't. Ever.
I need to not worry about it either way. Not focus on him.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I'm 90% certain this move is going to happen. I don't call anything certain 100% until money changes hands and a lease is signed -- next weekend if all goes as planned. I'm both excited and nervous; it's basically a small studio apartment with a tiny bedroom. Enough for one, but tight.
It's good though, because things around here are tense. Familiarity breeds contempt and my family has a talent for blowing up over stupid chit; something as simple as a screen door not catching and blowing in the wind had my grandmother swearing at me like a sailor. Mom says I should "avoid her". Because I guess it's high school in my house. My eyes are rolling.
Managed to get through today by binge watching episodes of TV shows on Netflix all day and snuggling with the kitties. No tears all weekend.
It's a start.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Got any netflix recommendations? I'm re watching stuff I've already seen, partially for background noise, partially for distraction. However, I'm ready for something to focus on.
--- And if WABF is happy, that's his life. Right now the focus is on you. New apartment, new opportunities and a new year that's just around the corner, once we get through the holidays.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I'm ashamed to admit I'm watching "The Carrie Diaries", the prequel to Sex And The City. I never liked that show, but this is a less dirty, charming coming-of-age story that is only loosely reminiscent of its predecessor. It focuses on the main character's tales growing up through high school. I'm enjoying it.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Feeling good. PMA is high. I think I'm really excited to have a space of my own for the first time in 10 years. I don't need to make my desires mesh with anyone else and all the decorating is up to ME. It's all my stuff and I don't have to live with anyone else's clutter (of which BF had a ton; he was a very mild hoarder who was very attached to "things"). That's making me silly-happy.
I'm finally at a place where I don't get sick to my stomach every time I ask myself what happens if BF never wants to reconcile. I miss him and our sitch makes me sad, but I know that I'll be okay with or without him.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I'm sorry, not exactly moved yet! I sign the lease tentatively on the 20th (Saturday) and then I'd start moving in after money exchanges hands, also tentatively set for the 26th. I'd start moving in that weekend, which is great. It's only 11 days away!!
But the prospect of this has lifted my spirits! I can't wait to shop for bathroom supplies and area rugs and furniture and curtains and.....HEEEEH!
I'm also super stoked the bedroom doesn't have ANY windows! If I put a folded towel in front of the crack under the door, no sunlight will come in at ALL and my sleep will remain uninterpreted on weekends!! HEEEEH!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little - that's truly great. I'm glad the apartment looks like it will work out. As I said before, moving into my own place was a game changer…at least for a while. You're gonna love it!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I was browsing Facebook this morning as I normally do and noticed that someone had mentioned BF by name in a comment, but I couldn't see the comment it was referencing. It looked really out of place.
IE: "I moved to X town, [BF's name], I don't live in Y town anymore".
BF's name is unique, so there's no thinking it was someone else. The only reason it'd look out of place like that is if I were blocked by BF and couldn't see his comment, first. But he told me after BD that he'd deleted his FB.
I switched to another FB profile I have (I signed up with a professional email intending to separate work contacts with personal ones, but never ended up doing it), and sure as !@#$, BF has indeed blocked me.
RIGHT. He told me he deleted his profile because he wasn't interested in the FB drama anymore and went on and on about how he found he was mindlessly scrolling just to scroll and FB didn't have a place in his life and he was glad of it. I wouldn't consider this a big deal because I know it was done shortly after BD, but it's yet another discovered lie on top of a huge pile of lies.
Why go on about it like that, you f!@khead? To sell the story? GRRR, you drive me up a wall!
While I know NC is for the best and I really don't need to see his new life playing out before my eyes, I'm also galled that I didn't do anything to him and yet I'm being treated like an a$$hole he has to avoid. He lied repeatedly, cheated, and left ME for someone else, and I'm the one blocked? By the man that's friends with every ex he ever had? Seriously?
It makes me so mad. What a chithead.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Ha, the social media anxiety... It really adds a layer on top of the old-fashioned breakup, doesn't it?
My friend has been trying for a couple of months to get me to mute or unfollow my W so that I wouldn't be affected by everything she posts. He's right that I've had crisis about the most innocuous things, though I got better. I dread the day that she and OM will go public with some interaction or pictures (I can't even think of a relationship update!). I'm surprised they haven't already, though I don't know if they have on his profile since I don't have access.
A month after she left, my W re-shared a video I had posted, thanking me publicly for it. I didn't know what to make of it. I just didn't react. I post about 10 times a year of Facebook, but I comment and like several times a week. None of my friends have liked or commented on a thing she posted since the S. She's probably mad about this, but they're likely just uncomfortable. I've had a couple of friends commenting to me on how weird some posts were for a woman like her, but that's it.
Back to you, Little. It's obvious you haven't detached, but this comes with time in my experience. You're right, it's probably good that you don't see his posts.
Originally Posted By: Little
While I know NC is for the best and I really don't need to see his new life playing out before my eyes, I'm also galled that I didn't do anything to him and yet I'm being treated like an a$$hole he has to avoid. He lied repeatedly, cheated, and left ME for someone else, and I'm the one blocked? By the man that's friends with every ex he ever had? Seriously?
This one, I don't buy. You've really done nothing to him? All of us here have reflected on our faults in the R to realize how we've contributed to our own situation. I find it much healthier, for myself and for a possible reconciliation, to be aware and even to have a "story" about it, than to say "I've done nothing!" Also, you just might have told his new GF that he's a cheater and keeps on sending you racy texts. ;-) And if you still think you've got more reasons than him to be mad at him, block him first and stick to your NC!
PS: Don't assume he's blocking you because he things you're an a-hole. There are many other reasons, such as covering his lies, sparing your feelings, avoiding interactions, etc. Also, it's possible he suspended his FB profile for a while (and told you the truth) then went back when he realized what it brought him.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
When I say, "I've done nothing" I meant as far as my behavior after the BD. He has no reason to avoid me, to my mind; I've been nothing but friendly and polite. I admit and have owned up to my part in the break up of our R, that's a given.
But you're right on the telling of OW his naughtiness, Mozza, I wasn't thinking of that. I'm pretty sure he blocked me just before/shortly after BD, though, so it's a moot point.
You're also right, Bug. Thanks.
I love how I get clarity here! I just hate finding out how deep the rabbit hole goes as far as the stuff that was done/said behind my back and how frequently he lied.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I'm working toward detaching and dropping the rope.
Recounting some of the things going on in my head since this Facebook reveal thing, which may be repeats:
- I don't want to R with anyone who lacks honesty and integrity.
- I don't want to R with anyone who lacks self-awareness and the ability to see where others are coming from in order to compromise and resolve issues. Throwing an R away because that's uncomfortable for you, and so you default to the first bit is not okay with me.
Through our R, I did a lot of bending over backward to meet BF's expectations, where things were closed issues for him if we disagreed. He felt one way, I felt another, and so the discussion about it was pointless; it was going to be his way.
For instance, buying a house. He wanted to buy a fixer-upper but neither one of us had any savings; where was the money to fixer up going to come from? I wasn't comfortable making that leap when we were living paycheck to paycheck.
Instead of seeing where I was coming from, discussing it like adults, making a compromise and coming up with goals, he told me my unwillingness to get a loan and go into it with him was "effed up" and I was holding him back. And now he's rushing into it with OW, when he waits to pay bills until he gets shut off notices.
I can do so much better than this. It stings that BF doesn't want to be a better person and didn't love me enough to want to R with me. That said, even though our core issues were shared 50/50, only one of us was willing to do what it took to respect and adore the other one.
Plus, I KNEW that BF cheated on his last ex and left her for someone else; I saw the kind of person he is and foolishly didn't believe him.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little - This looks like a very mature assessment, especially the part about his character. I relate to it because I see it in my W and her OM. At a month's notice, they both left R to be together -- what makes them think that they won't turn on each other when the going gets tough? Live by the sword, die by the sword.
But also, along the lines of what you're saying, why do I want so bad to be back with someone who has such a strong flight reflex? Will it really be resolved after this A? Perhaps it's time we accept that we bet on the wrong horse and cut our losses.
Again, we have plenty of time to think and no pressure to make decisions just now. Let these thoughts come and go, especially as long as they don't hamper your capacity to rebuild your life.
Oh and really, I can't see how your BF can build a lasting R with this OW and her kid. Buying and fixing a house while raising a kid sounds like a nightmare. In fact, if I wanted people to breakup, I'd probably put them in this exact situation. Much more dangerous would be that they take it slow, she has no kids, the live separately and see each other a few times a week, etc. Now that's fun. Mortgage, repairs and kid and ex-H? Not so much.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
BUT WE'RE IN LOVE! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!???!!!111one!!!?
Sorry, let me go catch my eyes as they roll down the hallway. BRB.....
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I think you are starting to look at it with the right kind of mindset. Your BF has treated you really badly and has done so before to other people. I suspect his fantasy will come up short quite quickly particularly if bills get tight and spending money on the house takes aways from her kids (maternal instincy will most likely win that one)
but the question for you has got to be whether his continued dishonesty and craziness is worth it.
To make our relationships work we have to fix the things about ourselves that need fixing rather than just leap into the next one.
In talking to a number of my friends (many of whom are married) they have nearly all had break up territory phases in their relationships. Those that found a way to talk about it and work at it now have much stronger relationships for it
Originally Posted By: mozza
Again, we have plenty of time to think and no pressure to make decisions just now. Let these thoughts come and go, especially as long as they don't hamper your capacity to rebuild your life.
^^^^^ this. The important thing for you (us) now though is that even without that other person to work with us we still have to work on our stuff (the christina aguilera song 'fighter' just popped into my head there)
so apart from improving your taste in TV what does rebuilding little look like?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
It looks like getting into my own apartment (SQUEEEEEE!!!!!) and then starting to get my finances into shape. I'm a state employee so I have the potential to set myself up for a really great future. I'm old enough now that this is seriously, seriously over due. Better late than never.
I'm also going to keep on with the IC and try to work on my issues that keep me co-dependent. I'm okay with being alone for a while. I am someone that wants to partner and feels wonderful in an R, but I can wait; I want a healthy R, not just an R.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Atta girl Little. Nothing more exciting than decorating a new place and getting ducks in a row.
PS - I binge watch Hart of Dixie on netflix. I liked the Carrie Diaries. May have to start where I left off. Jim will just have to look away from the awesomeness in TV shows.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I got a text this morning from one of my closest friends, who was originally one of BF's friends. I got her in the "divorce". It's not that she picked sides, really, more like she was willing to support us both, separately, as a neutral party....but he's been avoiding her and lying to her.
Anyway, in this text she told me that a mutual friend of her and BF posted something on FB and OW commented on it, stating some info that BF had lied to her (our friend) about. Our friend sent him a scathing text telling him that she would have supported him through this, too, since they've been friends for ages -- but after the BS she's seen him pull through our breakup, which then turned him to him being crappy to her, she's disappointed and thought he was a better person.
She doesn't think she'll get a response, but she's pissed.
I told her the stuff I found out yesterday about him telling me he deleted his FB and how I found out he'd lied about that, and apparently he's blocked her, too.
My thought is that he wants to act however he wants to act without being called on it, so he cut her out because he knows she's truthful and honest and doesn't want to hear it. LOL.
Ahhhhh....whatever. Just whatever! :P
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
SAAAAAAAD. A crappy, niggling sadness. Ugh. GET BACK ON THE HORSE, LITTLE. GET BACK ON THE HORSE AND RIDE IT TO HAPPINESS!!!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I feel weird here too. BF is not going to want to R with me in the future. Can I stay?
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I think it's just the finality of it. Know that BF is parading OW in front of other friends and acquaintances. Depressing.
Oh well.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Also, I guess I'm still pissed off. I wasted 10 years on a guy that turns out to be a huge turd.
Truly, I have no one but myself to blame. I knew this was the person he was when I started dating him even if I didn't want to admit it. He did this to someone before me and it was a huge, blinking neon sign to how our R was going to end. BLECH.
It's common to think you're different and your R is different and it will pan out differently, but you know what? Unless someone wants to change and works on it, ain't nothin' changing.
I'm both angry on a "how could you do this to me you stupid creep" level and a "I should have been smarter" level.
This too shall pass, I guess. Can't change what occurred and he's certainly not feeling guilty or worrying about it.
Just venting for the millionth time.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
You've every right to be angry at him (and yourself) and its perfectly natural reaction. Genuinely though if he is not one who will change, you deserve better and new you will have it.
That's something I feel really confident about.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Ah, you're in that phase. Trust me. It mellows out.
If you are like me, then you stayed in the R for 10 years not because you weren't being smart, but rather because you saw something good in it. Don't let these current circumstances blind you to that. There were - obviously - good times in your R and that means it was not 10 years wasted. It's all just part of your life story. What this teaches me is the I shouldn't take for granted that the people currently in my life will always be there. Must make the most of my interactions with them while I can...
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I guess there's just a huge "HOW COULD SOMEONE TREAT SOMEONE ELSE LIKE THIS" freak out going on in my brain.
Ending relationships can be done one of two ways. The way BF picked is like shoving someone in front of a train.
Then he has the nerve to tell mutual friends, "I still love her, and I know I cheated, but you gotta understand...."
Yeah, whatever, buddy. Here's where you can shove it.....
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I keep asking myself this too. You will not know this, because you do not think this way. I'm sure, even if he explained it to you, it probably would not make sense or be of any comfort.
Yuck
Last edited by u-turn; 12/17/1410:06 PM.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
Because he is being entirely selfish and justifying it to himself so he doesnt have to face and/or accept the guilt for his behaviour (been there and unfortunately done that)
he didnt end your relationship in a good way and if he ever connects with his conscience that is going to weigh heavy on him.
in the meantime you can be awesome knowing you did the right thing
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I have been reading your posts. I am very sorry that your relationship turned out the way it did Little. You sound like a much better and more mature person than your BF.
I have faith you will survive and do even better in your next relationship. You have made a lot of insight into your psyche and that is a good thing.
I have been reading your posts. I am very sorry that your relationship turned out the way it did Little. You sound like a much better and more mature person than your BF.
I have faith you will survive and do even better in your next relationship. You have made a lot of insight into your psyche and that is a good thing.
Thanks. I've been delving into fixing myself, up to and including trying to get my detachment techniques from Buddhism. "Be here now" and all that.
Originally Posted By: u-turn
HOW COULD SOMEONE TREAT SOMEONE ELSE LIKE THIS"
I'm sure, even if he explained it to you, it probably would not make sense or be of any comfort.
Yuck
This. I know it. It's hard when you're intellectual and constantly seeking answers and solutions. I have to accept that there are some things I can't control, won't know the answer to, or don't make sense. And be okay with them.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Hey Little! I just wanted to say congrats on the new place! I just moved into a new place myself and it is fun decorating and organizing just how you like it. And as Ganb8te said earlier, it also seems to help with the "moving on" bit so to speak.
I'm not really a girlie girl but I want to make my bedroom all pink and fluffy because I can! And it's satisfying to carry heavy stuff and build furniture and drill holes and hang lights - all by myself. Well, it's not exactly fun but when it is all done and I did it myself I will be proud.
And someday maybe I will have my WAH over, if he is nice, and he will gasp at how amazing I am. Or not. Who cares, he's an a-hole.
LISA!!! I was reading your reply as I sipped my coffee and literally spit it out while laughing at "Or not. Who cares, he's an a-hole." ROFL! You got it, chicky!
I bought all new bed stuff when I moved out of my apartment with BF. Purples and colors I like. BF has a slight hoarding problem; not like you'd see on the scary TV shows, but he's very attached to "things" and has more than one of nearly everything. We had 16 guitars and two amplifiers in our living room (not an exaggeration!) and he's not even a musician. He can't play the guitar other than strumming to make noise. With those habits, our apartment never really felt like home because there was no room for my things to be woven into the scenery. It will be good to have total control over my environment and let MY whims dictate the space I live in! No more clutter if I don't want it! WHOOO!
You guys, I wish we could all go GAL together. Your support here has been invaluable to me moving on. Even if I'm just blabbing about a new apartment.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
WELL, seeing as the only thing I took with me when I left was bedroom furniture and my computer desk, I guess yes. But not on purpose. ROFL.
Since the kitchen is upstairs and a shared space, I only need to purchase a couch and maybe a living room chair of some sort.
BUT, the good news is that I can arrange everything I do buy to my tastes and I can be more decorative than the other apartment, which fell toward "every available inch of space has something in it."
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I found a funny little Santa picture on Facebook that's filled with potty humor. I want to text it to BF, because he'd find it hilarious, but I'm resisting.
He's made it clear he doesn't want to talk to me and I should stay dark anyway.
Stupid twitchy fingers.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Thanks, Vanilla, I like being here! Isn't the saying that DB is for "you" (us?) and not the WAS? YAY!
While the logical side of me knows that BF has made his choice and will never want to R with me again, the hopeful mushy heart of me hopes that some day we'll have another chance and no one knows what will happen or how they will feel in the future -- not even BF.
But I'm disgusted by his choices and actions right now. I want no part of that man. For us to EVER R again, he'd have to be split from OW, WANT to R, AND be willing to work on himself, so that we could successfully work on the OTHER chit we need to work on. I'm working on ME. THAT would take a miracle.
Which I'm typing out to remind myself of. :P
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Split from OW Want an R Work on himself whilst I work on me.
We could do place mats, t shirts and car bumper stickers as well. Sounds like a real buy in plan. Getting with the merchandising at ground level, we could make a lot of LBS very happy.
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I just want to journal a little about my Buddhist journey and how this is really helping me detach and find an inner peace.
I grew up with parents that were very open minded and of the opinion that all religions are to be respected and valued. By and large my only true "religious" experiences centered around Christianity, but I found as I explored my spiritual side that I was suspicious of a lot of organized religion's motivations (truly, all organized religion -- not one in particular), especially from a historical perspective.
Long have I considered myself a woman who believes in a higher power I'm comfortable calling God and a believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ as a being of love and enlightenment, but also someone who believes no one can truly know for certain what's out there beyond the fact the universe connects us all together. God is God in every religion on the planet.
Buddhism, however, has no emphasis on that, but encourages a conscious mind understanding that emotional attachment to anything brings about an awful lot to lose. That's the root of suffering.
I like that Buddhism encourages one to be fully accountable to the self, and in turn others. It's exactly what I've been saying -- love yourself and love those around you enough to have integrity, honesty, and grace.
I'm learning that I can let go of negative emotions because they hold me back. They stop me from becoming a better person, which prevents me from doing right by others, and, more importantly, myself.
I meditated quietly for about 10 minutes tonight without interruption, my mind clear and free of any kind of stress or anxiety, focusing only on the words of a chant I'd pulled up on Youtube.
For someone as usually distracted, emotional, hotheaded and constantly "too fast" in everything I do, this brought me profound peace.
This is definitely where I need to be right now.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I just got a text from my mother telling me we're doing Christmas on Christmas eve this year; dinner is at 6pm.
Well, that [censored] for me because I have an MRI on Christmas Eve. Why did I schedule it that way? Because I have to work at the hospital on Christmas Eve, and figured I'd just hop to radiology after work. Christmas is usually ON CHRISTMAS.
I'm annoyed, but understand she didn't know this prior to making this choice. I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she had the best of intentions.
It will probably work out for the best, because my temporary living situation is with my family and my grandmother -- and they have been super touchy and critical of my ever action. Grandma's holding a grudge up to and including giving me the silent treatment, for offenses that add up to basic, pedantic nitpicking. My mother, too, has been super critical.
I'm confident I've been as quiet and respectful a housemate as can be expected in this temporary situation (very cognizant of moving slowly and quietly when others are sleeping, trying my best to keep to my room as much as possible so as not to be an extra burden to anyone, paying my share of responsibilities in full and on time, purchasing my own food and keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean), so I really feel like this is unfair and unwarranted.
The only contact I've had with my mother recently has been in passing and usually the only verbalizing she's done to me is to tell me what I've done wrong.
Given the stress I've been through lately, and losing a 10 year relationship -- which already affects the ego in terms of one's self worth -- I'm feeling pretty abandoned and unloved lately. This is a big thing for me, because I've had a lot of loss in my life. My co-dependency and a lot of my issues in Rs stems from this. It's the BIG THING I'm working on in IC.
So, I'm excited to move next week and trying to push this out of my head and not internalize it. I am worthy of love based upon no condition other than being myself. Kindness and affection should not be contingent upon whether or not a broken screen door catches in the wind accidentally, or if the bathmat is "correctly" draped over the side of the tub to dry.
Deep breaths. Deeeeppppp breaths.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I am worthy of love based upon no condition other than being myself. Kindness and affection should not be contingent upon whether or not a broken screen door catches in the wind accidentally, or if the bathmat is "correctly" draped over the side of the tub to dry.
Funny, I was thinking the same thing about feeling "weird" in this forum. I mean, I went from newcomer to D finalized in a little over 2 months, so I am not really a newbie, though I still have SO much to learn. And, while I don't know if I want to R or not (leaning more toward not right this second, as XH really hacked me off last night), I don't know what the future holds. I guess I will hang out here until the powers that be run me off. And, I am glad you are here. I gain strength from your posts. You seem so strong and self-assured and I desperately want to get there.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Signed the lease, so I guess this is official! Going with a girlfriend to Ikea tomorrow to pick up some bathroom things and maybe a couple book cases. I'm excited!
I texted BF today. I want a mini-fridge for the new place and last I knew he had a nice one in the basement (that I had questioned why he even bothered bringing home; again, mild hoarder). I asked him if I could have it and he told me he sold it two years ago. I don't know how I missed that, other than that perhaps it was another piece of crap in a crowded basement full of crap. He said sorry, I said thanks and that was it.
I miss him. I miss the friend I could laugh and joke with. This is a natural part of moving on.
I'm okay.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I am worthy of love based upon no condition other than being myself. Kindness and affection should not be contingent upon whether or not a broken screen door catches in the wind accidentally, or if the bathmat is "correctly" draped over the side of the tub to dry.
Oh my Buddha, yes.
Um yes, or you buy hemorriod suppositories instead of cream! Or you have exceptionally big pores! Or one a million other small reasons
He may not have sold the fridge. My h keeps saying he doesn't have xyz, but I'm sure he did/does and when called out it magically appears months later. Mine I suspect has other issues not just r problems. I suspect demture.
Last edited by Ggrass; 12/21/1412:41 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Had a full weekend this weekend. Signed the lease on the new apartment Saturday. Went to Ikea today with a friend to pick up a few bathroom things and a book shelf that will be a divider between the entry way and a living room space. Helped split wood and stack it at home (even though I won't be here to enjoy it -- I'm trying to earn brownie points with my grandmother).
I've been in a weird spot as far as my feelings for BF and I sort of wish he and OW would fall off the face of the earth so I don't ever need to think about them again. I dwell too much on how much it [censored] that for 10 years we were supposedly in love but he can up and leave suddenly and then disappear from my life one day as though I never existed in his.
Not like it destroys me anymore, but it simmers under the surface and I just feel meh about how easy it was to walk away. Le sigh.
Never was fond of roller coaster rides. This too shall pass.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little - the idea that the WAS has it easy after BD is a common one around here. And yes - I think for the ones in an affair, they do have a major distraction to keep their minds off their problems. But that's what it is - a distraction. They can then either bounce around from affair to affair or face their demons with the added burden of the destrucion they have caused. For my money, I would rather be on the path I am now - facing the problems I need to address sooner, rather than later.
You have a lot of positives ahead of you, Little. Today, Ikea furniture, and tomorrow, the world!
So, my mother helped me move out of the apartment I lived in with BF. We moved me into her house, whereupon I paid 1/3rd of the utilities (oil, electric, and wood for the wood stove), rent and $50 a month for food my grandmother would be cooking for us.
Technically my mom's a single mom of a 13 year old boy (my brother) with no job, so the state offers her free medical benefits, a dramatically reduced rent (she pays $64 a month for a 4 bedroom house that's $1000 -- the state pays the rest for her, even though there's only three people living there full time) and gets food stamps. I believe she also gets heating help, because it's winter.
Realistically, she works for herself 7 days a week painting and doing odd jobs and makes a pretty good wage under the table.
My grandmother also gets food stamps and rent assistance, because she's retired and has no income.
I had a slight problem moving into a place where I was being asked to pay for things my salary already pays for in taxes, but hey -- that's a technicality that has no bearing on family and friends. If I'm using the services, I should pay for them; no big deal.
Last week she told me to look into a 10' box truck to help me move from her house to the new apartment. She told me it only cost $19.95 for one day, no big deal. LAST WEEK she told me this. I looked into it and found out that it's $111 once they figure in mileage, gas and taxes. I can't afford that. I just signed up for a $600 lease, and I have to pay significantly more in utilities and garbage pick up and all that.
So my mother tells me TODAY that I need to pay her for her to help me move and use her truck.
ONE WEEK to go time she springs this on me, even though she knows she's pretty much my only acquaintance with a truck, and time during Christmas week.
I went to Ikea and bought stuff on a friend's credit, because I'm going to pay her back. If I had known my mother was going to pull this crap TWO WEEKS AGO I would have arranged differently!!!
Now I have no one to help me move.
I'm so mad I can't see straight. I have zero idea how I'm going to manage this and I'm so piss I can't breathe.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Uhaul vs her own truck. Sorry. I'm mad and left details out.
She wanted me to rent a Uhaul which turned out to be much more than I can afford and then sprung on me she wants the same amount for use of her truck.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Probably not because I went off on her. I don't regret it. If I have to carry crap on my back to the new place, that's what I'll do.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Accidentally saw a picture of BF with OW and a metric ton of friends in their new house, fixing things up for them to move in.
Rollercoaster is going down. This was such a shitty day.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Ended up renting a Uhaul after all. Ironed things out with mom. Not to my satisfaction but I don't have the energy for anything other than being a "yes man" in order to get through this move.
Once I'm safely on the other side of this week, in my new apartment, and things are set up to my liking and I can BREATHE again, I can focus on more healing and peace.
I'm trying like hell to remember that as crappy as my situation is, there's always someone who's got it worse off than I do and all my blessings make me an incredibly rich person. I have my health, an incredible job, reliable transportation, and the freedom ahead of me to make my life whatever I want it to be.
Thanks be to God for everything I have and am forgetting as my misery makes me selfish and forgetful. :P
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little-great to hear that you are on the upswing - sounds like you are anyway. Sometimes just getting through is the best we can do. Great positive thoughts up there - it will get better
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I feel like as long as I avoid any mention of BF I'm fine. I don't listen to the radio (too many sappy love songs), I'm blocking all our mutual friends on Facebook for now (too much potential to run into things I really don't want to see -- like those pics last night), I stay out of the town we used to live in (I don't want to run into either he or OW, never mind together).....
For now I'm trying to forget he exists. He's certainly forgotten I exist, so maybe he's on to something.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I'm trying like hell to remember that as crappy as my situation is, there's always someone who's got it worse off than I do and all my blessings make me an incredibly rich person. I have my health, an incredible job, reliable transportation, and the freedom ahead of me to make my life whatever I want it to be.
Thanks be to God for everything I have and am forgetting as my misery makes me selfish and forgetful. :P
Boy, don't I understand this. I feel I'm loosing the battle some days. There are certainly people that have it far worse than me.
I wish I could just sit in the room with you for 15 minutes and soak up some of your energy.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
AW, that's sweet of you to say. Trust me, I'm not as "together" as I sound. I spent most of last night sobbing over those damned pics. I look extremely tired today and despite passing out cold at like 9:30pm, I feel like I could sleep for a week.
Never have been fond of rollercoasters. :P
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
The fact that you can say that^^^ tells me you are more together than you think.
Me, I fight the urge to drive my truck into a bridge support most every day. Not that I would do something silly like that and leave my kids all alone. Besides, I don't like pain all that much and I just spent waaayyy too much money putting that stupid truck back together. But the feeling is there.
I would be a wreck if I found pictures like that.
Oh, wait. I'm already a wreck, lol.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
The fact that you can say that^^^ tells me you are more together than you think.
Me, I fight the urge to drive my truck into a bridge support most every day. Not that I would do something silly like that and leave my kids all alone. Besides, I don't like pain all that much and I just spent waaayyy too much money putting that stupid truck back together. But the feeling is there.
I would be a wreck if I found pictures like that.
Oh, wait. I'm already a wreck, lol.
I definitely know how you feel. There have been days where I wished a hole would open up in the Earth and take me down. I don't call it "suicidal" because I'd never do harm to myself; but if I could be put down like a cat or go to sleep and never wake up, I'd sign up for that in a heartbeat. I've prayed and begged for it.
Believe it or not, it's normal. It's a response to more stress and emotion than you have coping ability at the moment. The trick is to find the coping ability and the methods that make this sort of thing lessen. That's why we come here and read DB books.
This site (and exploring my spirituality in Buddhism) has been so invaluable to me pulling myself out of the hole -- even if it's just to come and vent and sound like an idiot while I work through my chit. LOL
Originally Posted By: u-turn
Little - You are faking together pretty well in my opinion.
Thanks. People at work say so, too. I've been told more than once that I have "no negativity" and I'm so "sassy and bubbly" and while that's certainly true of my core personality, I'm SO FAKING IT these days. LOL
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
You're at 109 posts. Your thread is going to lock any minute, BTW.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
normal - I hope - I thought I was alone. I feel like if I ever told anyone about these thoughts, I would be locked up.
Thanks
It certainly does feel like losing one's grip on reality, doesn't it? Like you're losing your mind.
No - it's normal but I think society doesn't like things that aren't pretty. People avoid other people's emotions and their messes. When crap hits the fan in your life, you find out who your true friends are by who's willing to support you when you on the floor.
I've always been super willing to be vulnerable and super open with my emotions, which I take a lot of guff for. People assume that if you don't pick yourself up by your boot straps and hide your pain, you're thought of as weak and whiny.
To me, this is humanity. We all go through tough things and we all react and cope differently. For anyone to look down on someone else for having emotions and displaying them is stupid.
I say cry in the middle of a crowded street if you're feeling it. THAT'S strength.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I've always been super willing to be vulnerable and super open with my emotions, which I take a lot of guff for. People assume that if you don't pick yourself up by your boot straps and hide your pain, you're thought of as weak and whiny.
I say cry in the middle of a crowded street if you're feeling it. THAT'S strength.
I feel weak and whiny.
Haven't done the crowded street yet, but having tears stream down my face while I was explaining our situation to my D7's 1st grade teacher was a new low for me.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
All of the down feelings are normal. Remember to eat as good as you can. Walk, run, bike, do pushups..etc when the down feelings come. It will push them back by flooding you system with endorphines..etc. its Angkor naturalnway to get a pick me up. A friend of my lost his W and M after less thelan a year to another man. She had been cheating leading up to the wedding and was too proud or scared to call it off. She chose the OM over my friend. He started running to cope. 5 years later he married the love of his life...a better match for him anyway (IMO) and he can now run marathons. His life changed because he challanged himself to grow. Just. A thought....
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
