Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #1

[HPoirot]

HP ... I am not fully up on your sitch .. but reading that TM made me think of my wife .. she would write/say those things all the time. Hindsight ... I set a boundary and she did not like the box I put her in so she acted like a kid and acted out. Its good ... hold to your guns on this at all costs. I am at the point the only TM I reply to are concerning S, anything else is ignored or I will reply 2 hours later. Kid emergency .. immediate response ... all the other stuff can wait or is talked about in person ... I tired of all the discussions where something was taken wrong via text. In time she will respect your boundary and you will be at peace for it .. trust me.

Thank you for this CaliGuy. I'm understanding the importance of setting boundaries with my W instead of punishing her b/c of anger. I do want our R to survive this horrible time and grow into a better M... but right now when she's so so against me I have trouble acting without second thoughts. I still want this M with her after everything that has happened. Despite all the actions I've taken to turn this sitch around with her... every new act I have to take hurts.

That's why I come here for advice... b/c part of me wants to tell her I need her like I always have and I fight that part of me. When she's screaming at me, I have to work to ignore it. I felt hurt today when she left that angry voice mail. I really want her to stop calling me b/c I feel hurt to hear her voice. Even as I come very close to hating her... part of me wants to call her right now and ask her to talk to me. Tell her to come over to the condo and let's all be together.

And I'm starting to hate that part of me. I'm on day 2 of 90 days being in NC with her and my W and friend of almost 20 years who says she loves a stranger is screaming at me and wants ME to "grow up."

It's hard as you well know. Right now my mojo and PMA is low. I've had a few too many drinks. Tomorrow I'll be back up the strength and ready to make my W angry and/or cry with no guarantee of an R.

And I'll hate it.

Every second of it.

EDIT: Ugh... sorry... drunken idiot pity party rant. Ignore everything I just said except making my wife angry and cry tomorrow (if needed).

[HPoirot]

HP, I have read enough about your sich to understand your W is a drama queen. Still, I'm going to put in a plug for her on one point. If I had been trying to get in touch with my D12 and she wasn't answering, I'd then go to the adult in charge. If the adult declined my call I'd be ticked. I wouldn't have expressed it quite the same way, though. So.....maybe just ask your S to call mom after school? You don't need to say anything to your W about it though, imo.

But on the schedule change, in my sich I'd say something because H and I have specifically agreed that all schedule changes have to be made between the parents. There is to be no using our child as a messenger by either of us. If H made arrangements with D12 without going through me, I'd make sure she wasn't available. But if H asked me about it first, I'd accomodate if I could. I'm doing it this weekend for him. I think you and W just need to clear up how changes are handled.

Yes I think you are right. I could have easily avoided all this if I just told S11... "Hey son... please call your mom." I did that last night... saw that he didn't... and let it go. He has been declining her calls... I could tell him to stop doing that. I have been telling him to not make mom feel bad... but at the same time showing some displeasure with his mom in front of him. So yes I made this problem with W myself. I know she wants to be supermom right now which is what I want for my boy so I can help her with that.

[HPoirot]

Choose your battles wisely. Think about the bigger picture.

Finally, I would not advise you sending that snarky text...it serves no purpose other than come out as a bitter man. You want to show W a strong and confident HP.

Get your mojo back, buddy!

Thank you Wonka. Yes I did show weakness today. It was no big deal and I could have just said yes to her request and not have to hear her voice. I'm concerned she'll just keep calling me when I've made it clear I only want to hear from her in emergencies. I'm truly tired of her wanting to talk in the morning then screaming at me in the evening. Yes no doubt I'm not detached and, though I should be able to take and ignore anything she gives me now, sometimes I fail and then scramble to recover causing more problems.

I was saying this morning I just wanted a few days of not being a LBH. Just to get to work and have some good days. Then I let her "I REALLY need to talk" text throw me off immediately and I got no work done which fed directly into W's screaming VM. I know better than to let her get to me like that as you say Zeus. Even if I'm not detached I know how to do it under worse pressure and I have. I set myself up today thinking I would not hear from her. I'm tired of having to be ready for her everyday and it irritated me her telling me to grow up after I left her and made it clear I only wanted to hear from her in emergencies.

I'm seeing, though, that having my mojo back means being cool no matter what she does. I can't expect her to do anything I ask or expect obviously as right now she cares nothing about me or my feelings. So you're right Zeus... I can't afford to be surprised by her actions. I know she feels trapped and scared and in love and in hate and messed up and awful and empowered and more. I can't afford to keep riding with her on her roller coaster.

So that is why I come here. My instant reaction is still to react to her sometimes or to cllimb out of whatever hole I feel I'm in. I'm remembering Starsky's 2x4 that, after all that I've been through in her face for spew, I should be more cool about what happened today. I'll do better tomorrow. Even better, I've think ahead of any crap from her and do what it takes to avoid it.

My big mistake was I wanted a rest from being an LBS today. Lesson learned.

[HPoirot]

I sent text to W... "I know you are concerned and I apologize. In future I will make sure you know s11 is OK."

[HPoirot]

So, after my angry thrashing again over minor issues with W... I apologized for not making sure s11 called her and she apologized for her angry VM. She will pick up s11 tomorrow from the condo in her rental car and drop him back here in the afternoon.

No more unnecessary drama with s11 then. I will settle into 90 days NC for my own good.

Focused on the great advice here that has me only improving my life for the next 6 months.

Restarting tomorrow... day #3.

[HPoirot]

Gracious

I am a master at dealing with this: see my thread

Let's categorise

Spew- incoherent rubbish designed to put you on edge.
Correct response: STFU and walk away

Abusive spew: incoherent rubbish designed to but you on edge and insult
correct response: STFU and walk away, next day correct boundary infringement

Rant- all of your "faults" that annoy them designed to release anger for them at your expense
Correct response- STFU and then validate " I can see why you might think that"

Abusive rant- designed to release anger for them at your expense and insult
Correct response- STFU and walk away, next day correct boundary infringement

Sulk- make you feel small for wrong doing
Correct response- STFU and ignore, act as if did not happen

Rail- designed to press your buttons keeps on about one issue, can even involve following you to the loo
Correct response- STFU and leave to go GAL

Disappear- designed to make you worry and apprehensive
Correct response- STFU detach and act as if all ok

Tantrum- no purpose whatsoever but feels good
Correct response- STFU and look surprised

Blame- design to shift responsibility
Correct response- validate and deflect if not responsible, if are responsible diffuse by accepting responsible then apologise then walk away

In all sitches detach and if necessary act confused.

Vanilla

Thank you so much Vanilla for this post. I will keep your words and practice graciousness Vanilla style.

[Wonka]

HP,

Having no contact with W except in emergencies is unrealistic given that you have a minor child who cannot drive. Yeah, you will need to co-parent with W on logistics on school runs, homework, vacations, health issues, etc.

Having said that, you can have business-like exchanges with W on logistics without playing "happy families" together. Try to keep those interactions at a minimum.

[claire7]

HP,

I like to think of it as "co- worker who is only an acquaintance"

You are nice and friendly, and work together in a professional way, But you say goodbye at 5:00 and are not involved in each other's personal lives.

[Vanilla]

Wonks gives great advice, please go with her advice.

If it truly is NC then interactions will be limited, anyway to S.

Regards

Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Thank you wonka, Claire, and vanilla. I will do business like acquaintance. When she comes today to get s11, I'll stand with him, give him a hug, and send him to her. I'll look happy like I'm about to have a great day and then I will.