A little background... I am 40, she is 35, we have been together for 14 years and married for 9 1/2. and have 2 amazing kids 5 and 8. I have been an alcoholic battling the disease for years and have finally come into my real recovery and taken my life back. Although I have done this, the damage that I have done has taken its toll, I own this and know my responsibility. It is now that she after 4 sessions with a counselor tells me that it is over and there is nothing that I can do to change her mind. This counselor did me no favors, that I know after reading, I am at the end of my rope and grasping straws. Nothing is worth more to me than her and my kids and I just don't know how to get her to see that this can be fixed. I have begun to employ some of the strategies in the book and am waiting on results. My question is do I let her know I am reading the book or keep it to myself for now? any input is appreciated
I am in AA, the self actualizing brought me to where I am now, alcohol will never be a problem for me again, and I can finally say that as though a truck has been lifted off my shoulders, just wish it hadn't taken me so long to get where I am. I wasn't a chronic alcoholic, or sick, more like a guy that got stuck in my 20's and refused to grow up despite her efforts to get me to do so. We have a lot of other issues as well, I work nights and a lot of hours, she works days. etc. We are both very educated people that understand the ramifications of this, but I think our "therapist" bringing up my past years of nonsense has played so much bad into her psyche with no plan for the future that she threw her hands up. Making Amends is an on going process and will be for a long time. She is my life and I regret a lot of my not showing her that, I just hope it isn't too late for her to see that we can do this and be happier than ever before.
Trust that I wont drink again is a biggie. My selfishness in that as well because I felt entitled to do it. (Man was I wrong) Selfishness also plays into my passion of sportfishing which is a big money endeavor and the boat takes time and money from the family. That has been put on hold and in fact my boat is up for sale. I tried the begging and pleading, as the book says, that backfired along with the roses and everything else. We cohabitate and parent but thats it, I am now getting the "I am just shut down and dont have it in me anymore" and the "I am just not in love with you anymore" I am done crying, I just wanna grab the bull by the horns and take control.
Thats what I am trying to do, I am just staying quiet, being daddy and doing my normal daily stuff around the house, spending a lot of time with the kids (which is the norm actually, just a little more) Tonight we took the kids to get a bite to eat before attending a school function. I am normally a jeans and t shirt guy. Before she got home from work, I put on a nice shirt and khakis, polished a bit. She noticed, couldn't quite believe it, she didn't exactly say I looked nice or compliment me but She noticed. Wonder what else I can do while I give her space just to catch her inquisitiveness? Above all else I just want her to see that I am a different person than I have been and I am embracing it. I just need the time to prove it
I am definately making changes for me, I just think she is shooting from the hip, getting advice from people she shouldn't and has no clue what this is going to do to our family. She is confused and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see the wheels turning when we talk, I say little things like "you know, we have a really beautiful Christmas tree." And leave the conversation at that. I am doing my best to distance myself too and not be as available which is tough. I thought the beginning of the book might shed some light on the ramifications of these actions but I am not sure.
Oh and BTW the counselor today told me that she was the head of the annulment comittee in her parish. How is that not a conflict??
I am in AA, the self actualizing brought me to where I am now, alcohol will never be a problem for me again, and I can finally say that as though a truck has been lifted off my shoulders, just wish it hadn't taken me so long to get where I am. I wasn't a chronic alcoholic, or sick, more like a guy that got stuck in my 20's and refused to grow up despite her efforts to get me to do so. We have a lot of other issues as well,
Hmmmm
An alcoholic is an alcoholic. There is no such thing as a non chronic alcoholic. Bert, this is a disease which will be for the rest of your life, and with due respect step 1 says I admit that I am powerless over the disease that is in my life. Acceptance. This means it is a problem. You may manage it but it's an issue. The important Step is step 3. Allowing your higher power to manage the disease for you.
I am calling you on this because my H is a compulsive too. Your W knows too well what the years of alcohol abuse have done. No therapist has caused her to suddenly know this. If you can encourage her to go to Al anon that will help as she will be part of a group which does the 12 step process too.
I do applaud you for the AA and for staying dry, as it is not an easy road you travel. When you give your therapy then you can air these matters in the room, and no doubt full feedback will follow.
Truly when you work the steps you will be recovering, which is for all of your life. W will know if you are as your inner self will change. It is not your past nonsense which weighs but the future nonsense, and W will begin to know yesterday, today and tomorrow and to live one day at a time, if she has the courage to go to Al anon.
I challenge you, have you really allowed the higher power to take precedence in your life? Serenity Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/17/1411:57 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
