When I say, "I've done nothing" I meant as far as my behavior after the BD. He has no reason to avoid me, to my mind; I've been nothing but friendly and polite. I admit and have owned up to my part in the break up of our R, that's a given.
But you're right on the telling of OW his naughtiness, Mozza, I wasn't thinking of that. I'm pretty sure he blocked me just before/shortly after BD, though, so it's a moot point.
You're also right, Bug. Thanks.
I love how I get clarity here! I just hate finding out how deep the rabbit hole goes as far as the stuff that was done/said behind my back and how frequently he lied.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I'm working toward detaching and dropping the rope.
Recounting some of the things going on in my head since this Facebook reveal thing, which may be repeats:
- I don't want to R with anyone who lacks honesty and integrity.
- I don't want to R with anyone who lacks self-awareness and the ability to see where others are coming from in order to compromise and resolve issues. Throwing an R away because that's uncomfortable for you, and so you default to the first bit is not okay with me.
Through our R, I did a lot of bending over backward to meet BF's expectations, where things were closed issues for him if we disagreed. He felt one way, I felt another, and so the discussion about it was pointless; it was going to be his way.
For instance, buying a house. He wanted to buy a fixer-upper but neither one of us had any savings; where was the money to fixer up going to come from? I wasn't comfortable making that leap when we were living paycheck to paycheck.
Instead of seeing where I was coming from, discussing it like adults, making a compromise and coming up with goals, he told me my unwillingness to get a loan and go into it with him was "effed up" and I was holding him back. And now he's rushing into it with OW, when he waits to pay bills until he gets shut off notices.
I can do so much better than this. It stings that BF doesn't want to be a better person and didn't love me enough to want to R with me. That said, even though our core issues were shared 50/50, only one of us was willing to do what it took to respect and adore the other one.
Plus, I KNEW that BF cheated on his last ex and left her for someone else; I saw the kind of person he is and foolishly didn't believe him.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little - This looks like a very mature assessment, especially the part about his character. I relate to it because I see it in my W and her OM. At a month's notice, they both left R to be together -- what makes them think that they won't turn on each other when the going gets tough? Live by the sword, die by the sword.
But also, along the lines of what you're saying, why do I want so bad to be back with someone who has such a strong flight reflex? Will it really be resolved after this A? Perhaps it's time we accept that we bet on the wrong horse and cut our losses.
Again, we have plenty of time to think and no pressure to make decisions just now. Let these thoughts come and go, especially as long as they don't hamper your capacity to rebuild your life.
Oh and really, I can't see how your BF can build a lasting R with this OW and her kid. Buying and fixing a house while raising a kid sounds like a nightmare. In fact, if I wanted people to breakup, I'd probably put them in this exact situation. Much more dangerous would be that they take it slow, she has no kids, the live separately and see each other a few times a week, etc. Now that's fun. Mortgage, repairs and kid and ex-H? Not so much.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
BUT WE'RE IN LOVE! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!???!!!111one!!!?
Sorry, let me go catch my eyes as they roll down the hallway. BRB.....
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I think you are starting to look at it with the right kind of mindset. Your BF has treated you really badly and has done so before to other people. I suspect his fantasy will come up short quite quickly particularly if bills get tight and spending money on the house takes aways from her kids (maternal instincy will most likely win that one)
but the question for you has got to be whether his continued dishonesty and craziness is worth it.
To make our relationships work we have to fix the things about ourselves that need fixing rather than just leap into the next one.
In talking to a number of my friends (many of whom are married) they have nearly all had break up territory phases in their relationships. Those that found a way to talk about it and work at it now have much stronger relationships for it
Originally Posted By: mozza
Again, we have plenty of time to think and no pressure to make decisions just now. Let these thoughts come and go, especially as long as they don't hamper your capacity to rebuild your life.
^^^^^ this. The important thing for you (us) now though is that even without that other person to work with us we still have to work on our stuff (the christina aguilera song 'fighter' just popped into my head there)
so apart from improving your taste in TV what does rebuilding little look like?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
It looks like getting into my own apartment (SQUEEEEEE!!!!!) and then starting to get my finances into shape. I'm a state employee so I have the potential to set myself up for a really great future. I'm old enough now that this is seriously, seriously over due. Better late than never.
I'm also going to keep on with the IC and try to work on my issues that keep me co-dependent. I'm okay with being alone for a while. I am someone that wants to partner and feels wonderful in an R, but I can wait; I want a healthy R, not just an R.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Atta girl Little. Nothing more exciting than decorating a new place and getting ducks in a row.
PS - I binge watch Hart of Dixie on netflix. I liked the Carrie Diaries. May have to start where I left off. Jim will just have to look away from the awesomeness in TV shows.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I got a text this morning from one of my closest friends, who was originally one of BF's friends. I got her in the "divorce". It's not that she picked sides, really, more like she was willing to support us both, separately, as a neutral party....but he's been avoiding her and lying to her.
Anyway, in this text she told me that a mutual friend of her and BF posted something on FB and OW commented on it, stating some info that BF had lied to her (our friend) about. Our friend sent him a scathing text telling him that she would have supported him through this, too, since they've been friends for ages -- but after the BS she's seen him pull through our breakup, which then turned him to him being crappy to her, she's disappointed and thought he was a better person.
She doesn't think she'll get a response, but she's pissed.
I told her the stuff I found out yesterday about him telling me he deleted his FB and how I found out he'd lied about that, and apparently he's blocked her, too.
My thought is that he wants to act however he wants to act without being called on it, so he cut her out because he knows she's truthful and honest and doesn't want to hear it. LOL.
Ahhhhh....whatever. Just whatever! :P
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
SAAAAAAAD. A crappy, niggling sadness. Ugh. GET BACK ON THE HORSE, LITTLE. GET BACK ON THE HORSE AND RIDE IT TO HAPPINESS!!!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I'm pretty sure he blocked me just before/shortly after BD, though, so it's a moot point. 