Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #1

[HPoirot]

Already on day #2 there's negative contact with W...

Picked up s11 from school. He had an ok day but looked kinda down. Told him we would go explore the forest by the condo and he cheered up a little.

Got home and he started his homework. My phone rings. It is W. I decline the call.

She leaves an angry voice mail this time... "You are abso-f*cking-loutly insane if you think it's OK not to answer the phone when I call when you have my son! I cannot believe that no one will give me a call back and just let me know that he is okay! This is ridiculous HP! Grow the F*ck up and answer the phone when I call! Ridiculous!"

She also sent a text... "Would you call me and let me know how my son is. Or have him call me."

I asked s11 where his phone was. He said in his bag. I asked him to keep it with him in case he gets a call. Then she called him.

After a bit he says "mom wants to pick me up to take me to school in the morning. She will pick me up from school and bring me home too."

I made a mistake here. I probably just should have said yes. This was not what we agreed to though. I should have taken the phone. Instead I told s11 to tell is mom "no, that's not what we agreed to." This made s11 uncomfortable. I was wrong to have him do that.

He told her and she said she wanted to talk with me. He gave me the phone. I put on my best neighbor voice. She was calmer. I said that's not what we agreed. She said I since I was keeping him an extra day she wanted to see him tomorrow. I just said OK b/c I couldn't stand to speak with her for another second. I gave the phone back to S11.

Now both s11 and I feel nauseous.

I can't have it be like this every week. I will grow to hate her at this rate. I can barely speak with her. How can I make her understand for the 3rd time to not call me unless it is an emergency with s11?

I'm considering texting her... "We're going through a difficult time right now. You understand if I do not want to hear from you. I will ask S11 to call you before and after school."

[Wonka]

HP,

You are going have to be like a dog trainer. Reward the dog for good behaviors and ignore the bad behavior. Likewise with your W. Ignore her rantings and negative emails/texts.

Respond to those that are a bit more respectful.

After a bit he says "mom wants to pick me up to take me to school in the morning. She will pick me up from school and bring me home too."

I made a mistake here. I probably just should have said yes. This was not what we agreed to though. I should have taken the phone. Instead I told s11 to tell is mom "no, that's not what we agreed to." This made s11 uncomfortable. I was wrong to have him do that.

He told her and she said she wanted to talk with me. He gave me the phone. I put on my best neighbor voice. She was calmer. I said that's not what we agreed. She said I since I was keeping him an extra day she wanted to see him tomorrow. I just said OK b/c I couldn't stand to speak with her for another second. I gave the phone back to S11.

You're fighting over small potatoes with W. In the grand scheme of things, this is good in that W wants to pick up S11. At least she wants to be an involved parent. Work with her on this. Don't be a jerk or make it hard for W just because you don't want to see/hear her. She can wait out in the front of the condo entrance for S11 to come out.

Choose your battles wisely. Think about the bigger picture.

Finally, I would not advise you sending that snarky text...it serves no purpose other than come out as a bitter man. You want to show W a strong and confident HP.

Get your mojo back, buddy!

[Zues126]

I'm not blaming you for not being further, just trying to help you flesh out a point it might be nice to reach.

Basically, it's detachment. Reaching a point at which her swigs don't rattle you. She acted a bit crazy. In turn, you feel the need to vent about it or just share it with someone so they can say "you're right, she is acting a bit crazy at times, wow you're dealing with a lot, tough to handle man!" At least that's the support I was looking for when my STBX did stuff like that.

Now it doesn't get to me. I expect it. I get that it has nothing to do with the me I am now. It has to do with who she is, the emotions she's processing, etc. yes, I made mistakes in the M and am working on being a better person. But her actions are hers alone. So I guess I don't feel any differently then when my D4 throws a fit. That's what 4 year olds do when they're upset. And that's what WAW's do. I'm not going to let a 4 year old emotionally engage me every time she gets upset about something. That would be hard on me and would just encourage and reward that behavior. Instead, I just do what Wonka says and tune that out. I find the reasonable nugget inside her rant and just respond to that calmly and move on.

So two parts. One- Stop being surprised, outraged, righteous, or anything about her actions. And two- Maybe try my 'translator'. In other words, before responding, ask yourself what you would say if she had made her request in a more neighborly and reasonable way. Like if she said "sorry to bother you, I know this isn't what we had discussed and don't want to make a habit of messing with our schedules with S, but I miss him and was wondering if..." How would you respond to that? Just respond the same way. Then you'll know that you're my allowing her to engage you more than you want her to emotionally, and you can respond like the person you want to be. Neither a punisher nor a pushover.

[SunnyB]

HP, I have read enough about your sich to understand your W is a drama queen. Still, I'm going to put in a plug for her on one point. If I had been trying to get in touch with my D12 and she wasn't answering, I'd then go to the adult in charge. If the adult declined my call I'd be ticked. I wouldn't have expressed it quite the same way, though. So.....maybe just ask your S to call mom after school? You don't need to say anything to your W about it though, imo.

But on the schedule change, in my sich I'd say something because H and I have specifically agreed that all schedule changes have to be made between the parents. There is to be no using our child as a messenger by either of us. If H made arrangements with D12 without going through me, I'd make sure she wasn't available. But if H asked me about it first, I'd accomodate if I could. I'm doing it this weekend for him. I think you and W just need to clear up how changes are handled.

[CaliGuy]

HP ... I am not fully up on your sitch .. but reading that TM made me think of my wife .. she would write/say those things all the time. Hindsight ... I set a boundary and she did not like the box I put her in so she acted like a kid and acted out. Its good ... hold to your guns on this at all costs. I am at the point the only TM I reply to are concerning S, anything else is ignored or I will reply 2 hours later. Kid emergency .. immediate response ... all the other stuff can wait or is talked about in person ... I tired of all the discussions where something was taken wrong via text. In time she will respect your boundary and you will be at peace for it .. trust me.

[Vanilla]

Gracious

I am a master at dealing with this: see my thread

Let's categorise

Spew- incoherent rubbish designed to put you on edge.
Correct response: STFU and walk away

Abusive spew: incoherent rubbish designed to but you on edge and insult
correct response: STFU and walk away, next day correct boundary infringement

Rant- all of your "faults" that annoy them designed to release anger for them at your expense
Correct response- STFU and then validate " I can see why you might think that"

Abusive rant- designed to release anger for them at your expense and insult
Correct response- STFU and walk away, next day correct boundary infringement

Sulk- make you feel small for wrong doing
Correct response- STFU and ignore, act as if did not happen

Rail- designed to press your buttons keeps on about one issue, can even involve following you to the loo
Correct response- STFU and leave to go GAL

Disappear- designed to make you worry and apprehensive
Correct response- STFU detach and act as if all ok

Tantrum- no purpose whatsoever but feels good
Correct response- STFU and look surprised

Blame- design to shift responsibility
Correct response- validate and deflect if not responsible, if are responsible diffuse by accepting responsible then apologise then walk away

In all sitches detach and if necessary act confused.

Vanilla

[Wonka]

Vanilla,

Care to share some of your 'honest-to-God-it's-not-poisonous' kool-aid here?

Gracious
I am a master at dealing with this: see my thread

[Vanilla]

I will give it a go, but I usually use syrup.

W, i apogise if you were concerned, in future we will make sure that you know that S is ok. I will meet all the obligations I agreed to and will be as flexible as possible when I can. Can I assure you that S is talking about his mum.

Vanilla

[HPoirot]

I will give it a go, but I usually use syrup.

W, i apogise if you were concerned, in future we will make sure that you know that S is ok. I will meet all the obligations I agreed to and will be as flexible as possible when I can. Can I assure you that S is talking about his mum.

Vanilla

I really like that Vanilla! I really want to get better at this back and forth with my W. You have to understand... my W talks for a living. She literally lives to talk and sh ecan go non-stop. She knows I'm not like that at all. I've always been the handsome silent H. I'm paying for that deficiency now. I would love to text this to her if it means I'll get a few days off from her.

[Wonka]

I will give it a go, but I usually use syrup.

W, i apogise if you were concerned, in future we will make sure that you know that S is ok. I will meet all the obligations I agreed to and will be as flexible as possible when I can. Can I assure you that S is talking about his mum.

Vanilla

I really like that Vanilla! I really want to get better at this back and forth with my W. You have to understand... my W talks for a living. She literally lives to talk and sh ecan go non-stop. She knows I'm not like that at all. I've always been the handsome silent H. I'm paying for that deficiency now. I would love to text this to her if it means I'll get a few days off from her.

What 'all obligations'??!! Exactly. Don't promise things that you cannot keep or over promise things that you can't deliver. Try not to paint yourself into a corner.

STFU and KISS. Simpatico. Capisce?