Caution: Lengthy postings from an old thread that I created back in 2003.
As we all know, depression is a major symptom of MLC. I thought I'd spend some time discussing the symptoms of depression so that others can actually have a bird's eye view of what MLC is comprised of. Maybe, after seeing the symptoms, people will understand a little better what their spouses are going through and realize that they aren't out there having the time of their lives. MLC is true emotional pain, a pain that can't be healed with a band aid or antiseptic, but can be healed with time, love, compassion, understanding, medication and therapy.
When most people hear the word depression, they automatically think of feelings of sadness or being blue/down in the dumps. But when the mental health professionals use the word, they are describing depressive illness. According to them it is a label for a collection of symptoms that can consist of persistent irritability, excessive guilt, shame, low self-esteem, difficulty experiencing pleasure, changes in sleep, appetite and weight. This is a very serious health concern as it affects a person's health, his relationships, and the ability to work efficiently, ability to concentrate and think clearly. It can even lead to death. People left untreated with depressive illness and other mood disorders have a greater incidence of upper respiratory infections than those without mood disorders. Did you know that women suffering from depressive illness have significantly lower hip-bone and spine density than non-depressed women? The depressed woman is at a greater risk for osteoporosis and hip fracture.
There are two groups of mood disorders: unipolar (or depressive) disorders and bipolar disorders. A person with unipolar suffers only with depression. A person with bipolar suffers ups and downs in mood, energy level, ability to think clearly, and need for sleep, among other symptoms. A person with bipolar can also have a mix of both depression and manic symptoms at the same time. The person can have racing thoughts and yet complain of being depressed. The mood of a person with mixed symptoms or mania is often irritable or explosive rather than euphoric.
The symptoms for Major Depression are: depressed mood, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt, loss of appetite, an increase in eating, especially carbohydrates and sweets, or weight loss/weight gain, trouble staying asleep, waking up early in the morning and being unable to get back to sleep, or oversleeping, restlessness or sluggishness (when feeling sluggish, the person may actually move and talk more slowly; the face will be much less expressive–as if the person is wearing a mask), fatigue and loss of energy, inability to clearly, concentrate, or make decisions and thoughts of death or suicide.
Then we have Masked Depression. The symptoms and behavioral problems listed have sometimes been referred to as masked depression. They are: chronic aches and pains, compulsive social activities: party going, dating, avoidance of being alone, workaholism, and thrill seeking. These are all behaviors designed to keep someone from feeling depressed. We have impulse-control problems: rage attacks,sexual compulsions, shoplifting and gambling. Repeated accidents and multiple surgeries for vague complaints.
According to Sigmund Freud's work and developed by his followers, depression is based on the childhood disappointment of wishes for parental affection and affirmation, and the child's failure to fix a parent's unhappiness. This then leads to: low self-esteem, guilt, and shame based on the belief developed in childhood that personal inadequacy is the reason why parents were not affectionate or were unhappy. A sense of emptiness and a search–doomed to failure–of someone or something to fill that emptiness. The person will also feel ashamed of his intense neediness. Rage regarding the unmet needs, directed at the image of the parent who has been internalized which will lead to unrealistic expectations, repeated disappointment in current relationships, and conflicts over expressing rage to important others.
There are many other psychiatric disorders that are often found together with mood disorders and they are: substance abuse, eating disorders, anxiety disorder and panic disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. I'm not going to touch on these in this posting. They can be touched on later in this thread if people are interested in discussing them.
Now, please take a few minutes and think about your spouse. Have you seen any of these traits in him/her lately? If so, you are seeing depression at work. Your spouse doesn't hate you. The love that he/she has for you is still there, buried very deep beneath the childhood issues that he/she is currently facing head on. According to one source, he got relieved of tremendous amounts of hang-ups during his depression. He was relieved of his guilt. Once the issues are resolved, the fog disappears; the person will come out of the depression and will be a much better person, more settled and mature. There can be minor changes in his/her personality that you may or may not like, but that's what happens to the mlcer during his/her crisis.
I hope that this information will help you better understand what is happening to your spouses. Be a friend, don't place undue pressure on them during their crisis, show compassion and above all, be a good listener. They are in such emotional pain, a pain that we can't understand, unless we have been in a major depression ourselves.
BTW, one major point, be sure to protect yourselves financially during this time, as they will not care about financial issues, i.e., all they will care about is finding a "cure" for their emotional inner pain during their depression/crisis.
Loss of enjoyment in previously pleasurable activities is called hypohedonia. Agitation and anxiety are common in depression. Depression also affects a person's ability to process information. During depression, many people develop problems with memory and concentration. As the depression, or as we refer to going further in the tunnel, hypohedonia may give way to anhedonia, a complete loss of interest in things that were previously enjoyable. The person experiencing anhedonia may question himself/herself as to whether he/she has chosen the right path in life or the right mate, etc. An example would be if the person had worked at the same job for many years, he/she may begin to wonder if they are getting burned out. They begin to question everything about their lives.
A lack of warm, loving feelings toward family and friends is a symptom of depression, just as is irritability. The person may say that they are numb or feel like a robot. The person may feel that he/she wants to be left alone. This particular symptom many times contributes to a deepening spiral of depression because they end up feeling so very guilt-ridden. An example would be that the person starts to think that the family might be better off without him. The person feels torn between guilt for being such a burden and resentment that no one understands. The person can't see a way out of his/her problems. Sleep is terrible at this point. He/she begins to smoke a lot more and begin to drink more frequently also. (In severe depression, there will be a number of middle of the night awakenings or awaken early in the morning. Sometimes they will not sleep at all.)
Also, depression can lead to "pseudodementia". It resembles the cognitive difficulties some elderly people get with senile dementia or Alzheimer's. This type of dementia is fully reversible with proper treatment.
Bipolar can be especially destructive to a marriage or relationship. The manic phase makes people demanding, critical, complaining, say and do hurtful things. It causes them to spend money that their families cannot afford to spend, causes lapses of judgment that can lead to the loss of a job, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual indiscretions, and problems with the law. Then there are times when the manic person will often complain that his/her spouse doesn't show that they care about them. (It's not uncommon for two people with mood disorders to marry. This is called "assortative mating".) A manic individual and a spouse who stay married often become involved in an entwined relationship where they lose some individual identity. The spouse of a manic individual does not feel free to have his/her own life. To have a separate life threatens the manic spouse. It causes separation anxiety and a reactive rage to the threat of abandonment. In some cases the manic spouse will become threatening or suicidal. Thus resentment and depression may occur in the sane spouse because they get beaten down, passive and withdrawn. They become unassertive, they feel like they are walking on eggshells, just trying to avoid saying or doing anything to provoke an outburst in the manic spouse. No matter what you say or do, there will be outbursts.
A primary feature of atypical depression is the so-called "mood reactivity". The person will temporarily feel better when good things happen, especially if he/she is loved or admired. The spouse may flourish with the attention of others and may not appear the least bit depressed. They may even feel a bit high. The periods of normal mood are not stable, and when they are criticized or rejected, they will feel devastated and quickly relapse. A person with pronounced rejection sensitivity may run into a great deal of interpersonal difficulty. They will overreact to perceived slights with bitter disappointment and anger. The anger can be expressed indirectly through sullen withdrawal.
Anxiety individuals complain that they feel anxious, tense, nervous, wound up, worried or even uptight. They normally will complain of having difficulty controlling anxiety, worry or tension. They fatigue easily and often have trouble sleeping. The physical symptoms are: trembling, twitching, dry mouth, sweating, nausea, diarrhea or a sensation of a lump in the throat. It has been suggested that anxiety may be an early symptom of depression.
Then there is the panic disorder. A person can experience this for no apparent reason. They will have a sudden wave of frightening physical sensations and emotional symptoms such as: thumping, racing heartbeat, shaking, sweaty palms, heaviness or pain in the chest, lightheadedness, numbness or tingling sensations, or shortness of breath. There is an intense dread or sense of doom that overtakes the person. The person may think that they are dying, having a heart attack, or going crazy and losing control. If the attacks are frequent, the person may avoid situations where the attacks may have occurred. Just the thought of having a panic attack can provoke anxiety which is called anticipatory anxiety.
Please do not tell your spouses that they are depressed. They will not listen to you. They must figure this out on their own.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I ran across some good information on another forum and wanted to share it w/you today because so many posters are questioning mlc and depression. I am listing the 26 signs of depression and I do believe you will find your spouses have quite a number of the symptoms. Here goes:
1. unable to sleep 2. unable to wake up 3. eat too much 4. eat too little 5. easily agitated 6. unable to muster any emotion 7. inability to keep the house clean 8. obsessiveness 9. inability to enjoy things at prior levels of enjoyment 10. over active sex life/inability to enjoy sex or have it 11 ruminating 12. fragile emotional state (crying is the easiest to spot) 13. engagement in dangerous activities (unsafe sex, drugs, dangerous behaviors like driving dangerously, standing on ledges high up to just name a few) 14. loss of ability to keep up basic chores of ADL (activities of daily living--change clothes clean up, shave, bathe, clean house) 15. suffering in work performance 16. over focus on doing work (avoiding balance in lifestyle to hide mood) 17. angry (intensity, reason, control of anger) 18. abusiveness 19. DESCREASE INSIGHT THAT DEPRESSION IS OCCURING 20. withdrawal 21. maudlin (over emphasis on "woe" is me, the world or whatever) 22. violence to others, self, animals (linked to anger and attempts to manage sadness. This may not be linked with true hostile behaviors and should be taken in context) 23. suicidal 24. homicidal (again, taken in context with other symptoms) 25. decreased insight to reading others emotions and intents (again, link to overall context. Depressed people see the worst in themselves, others, the situation far out of the proportion of the reality.) 26 psychosis (yes, depression in the extremes can and does cause a loss of touch of reality)
One of the most common things that depressives do (men especially) is to let it slide, wait for tomorrow, hope it goes away or just live with it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lots of good info job. I can tell you that when i went through my stich i fell into a deep depression. Lost 50lbs, couldnt sleep, think or enjoy the many things that i love doing. The most painful and horrible feelings ever in my life. My energy levels were zero. I think that is the difference. An Mlcer has energy and goals. A trully depressed person does not. They maybe confused, afraid , and maybe sad. But i dont believe they are depressed. Some mlcer may be trully depressed but not all. The way i understand depression is that we are predisposed and it is self induced based on many variables. It is a disorder of thoughts and perceptions.
I think the mlcer behaves in ways that justify and reinforce their actions.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Its crazy how certain posts show up just at the right time ... thanks job, that was an excellent post for me at just the right time, was spot on for my W right now ... time will tell where she goes from here.
And to me, for the longest he just seemed unhappy!!!!
He might be getting a tiny tiny bit better.
WOW..I pray he understands what is going on, or gets some type of insight.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Cadet, This is a brand new thread with only the three original postings that I posted to readers on the research that I had found, i.e., which I thought was useful at that time. The original threads had locked, so it's best to start over and allow the new posters to post and have discussions in the "here and now".
Cadet, This is a brand new thread with only the three original postings that I posted to readers on the research that I had found, i.e., which I thought was useful at that time. The original threads had locked, so it's best to start over and allow the new posters to post and have discussions in the "here and now".
Yes I understood that.
With your permission I will include it in the MLC Welcome thread.
Cadet, Do you really want to add this to the Welcome Thread when we already have quite a few links there? If you see want to add it, by all means...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
