Oct 14-28, 2014 | W cheating and near-separation in 2009, search for explanations for BD 2014 Oct 28-Nov 4 | OM confirmed through kids on Halloween, refocus on me rather than blaming W Nov 4-10 | OM confirmed by W in email, strollergate, W has problems at work, unexpected blind date Nov 10-18 | Lunch with W went well, reflections on being dumped, kids and OM Nov 18-Dec 8 | W warms up but OM set to move in in January, W's birthday email Dec 8-Jan 2, 2015 | To be nice or not to be, two trips make me feel better, office party video Jan 2-16 | Turning down lunch invite, telling W I need to move on, W emails about D Jan 16-31 | WAW wants to change job, move to her country, I agree to meet Feb 2-25 | Plans for moving abroad are nixed, D papers are delayed at my request, flirting experiments begin Feb 27-Mar 24 | D7 birthday plans, PMA crash, serial cheating, dating debate, detachment at last? Mar 24-Apr 29 | Great dating debate, the expensive watch, GALing better, my tone on these forums May 5-Jun 17 | Online dating, crying at the school play, genetics of cheating, mediation begins
My story After 9.5 years together and two kids, my W announced in early September 2014 that she wanted a separation. A week of pleading and begging didn't change a thing. She said she wanted to be free, alone, find her true self, that I was criticizing her too much, that we're incompatible, that she was unhappy and no longer in love with me and she didn't want to live with half-emotions. She had told me before of some of those complaints and that she was miserable. We had not yet addressed everything, we would fight more than average, and I wasn't changing fast enough, so she was growing hopeless that things would improve.
A week after BD, she moved out. A month and a half later, she confirmed my suspicions that she was with a coworker, met at the new job she started a month before BD. He moved in with her in January. Our two daughters know and like him enough and generally take the S in strides.
DBing I accept responsibility for what I did in the M, by being too critical and dismissive of my W's feelings. I understand that my W was looking for something she wasn't finding in the M. I sometimes understand why she left, since she was miserable, and sometimes think leaving was too strong a reaction for the situation. I tend to blame her flight reflex and unrealistic expectations for love and family life. My heart wants to R, but my head tells me that it's a pattern with her and that I better not expose myself to it again.
My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant so the "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me. After nine months and little contact, I can say that detachment is taking hold. I see a therapist since BD and I've also started dating in May (8 months after BD). _________________________________________________
SUCCESS STORIES I update this list every time I start a new thread. Please make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.
Piecing as of 2014-2015 (newly added)Kramer (M) (newly added)edz (M) Jefe (M) T0324 (W) H leaves in Febr 2014, filed for D, had OW, piecing fails in Aug 2014, piecing again in Mar 2015 Crimson (M) Heart14 (W) Signs 2014-02, DB 2014-07, Piecing since 2014-07 Nitty - BD in December 2013, piecing as of September 2014
I'm back! I was daunted by the update of my initial post, but now that it's done, it will be easier to come back and give a quick update.
Mediation report | I survived the second session, but it got tense. I had to bring up the fact that WW might have foreign assets and income and she didn't like it, denying it and even raising her voice. I remained calm, but felt the mediator wasn't very helpful. I think WW simply doesn't understand what is asked of her, so one needs to explain it to her, and it becomes my job. Anyway, we had a talk after the mediation session and we both agreed that we wanted none of each other's money anyway — no alimony, no child support, no assets. We'll see at the next session (tomorrow) if this is even possible.
I don't like the mediator. She just doesn't seem competent. We spent half the session going back on stuff that WW and I thought were settled. Also, I had to correct the mediator a few times (I'm logical and detail-oriented) and she even mixed up names of the kids and our own! I never feel like she brings value, other than nothing down what we say. If it doesn't improve, I'll tell WW that I want to change.
Detachment report | This is getting a little better. The mediation session and then conversation with WW didn't affect me all that much, nothing like before. She's slowly becoming "just another girl", even though I'm not there yet. The reasons why I might not want to be with her are also becoming clearer, but I don't want to reject her out of spite or to make up for my own rejection.
During the conversation after mediation, she told me about work and complained about stuff that got her all giddy back at DB: now her colleagues are immature, noisy, talk about sex too much, the office dog is annoying, etc. Sigh. I keep thinking that if she hadn't been so impulsive, she would have quickly seen that this fantastic new life was an illusion. Also, she called me yesterday to tell me that her best friend back home had a serious health scare recently. She was still very emotional about it. It's not the first time she calls about safety topics. I don't get it and I don't try to.
Dating report | Much happened on this front. Women came and went in my life, some are still around. I play it as honestly as possible and it seems to work. Yesterday though, I surprised myself when I was very sad that one of them cancelled our date and wanted things to cool off. I didn't realize how attached I had grown in just two weeks. I had a bad day. I still have much to learn.
Work report | This is getting better (for memory: I freelance, from home). I have more motivation than before and I'm more productive, even though I'm nowhere need where I was pre-BD and where I should be. Still, here too I can feel the positive trend.
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Fogg | You're right, I need to focus on myself. In general, I'm quite good at it and I don't care much about the day-to-day minutia of her life. The mediation makes it harder, as we need to compare certain things for a distribution of assets, kids, money...
Toots | I imagine that it must be hard to start the financial disclosure. I don't like my own process and I sent you positive thoughts for yours.
mahhhty | I admire that you went through the mediation process. Thanks for sharing your experience.
raliced | Yes, "calm, principled and dignified" is a good combo. I think that's how I come across, if also a bit distant and cold. It doesn't quite help my robot image with WW, which is ironic because most other people around me seem surprised to realize how emotional I am.
HeavyD | Thanks a lot for stopping by. I also read your sitch every now and then even though I don't comment. I like the general direction of where it's going.
Wonka | I wrote that I "cant" work, much like would say "I can't watch that movie". Sure, nothing prevents me from working, but I find very little motivation to do so. As I wrote above, this is slowly improving. Still, my income will likely be around 50% of last year's.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I love the success stories Mozza, thank you so much for posting them. I try to read them when I'm at my lowest just to get an idea of what others have gone through.
They're often chalked full of wisdom too. This is stuff that has worked, this is what I was faced with, and this is what I did.
They're a big help!
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I was wondering when you were going to start a new thread. Had something I wanted to post to you, but I have since forgot it. Will post if it comes back to me.
Mediation report | The third session went fairly well. WW came with a note saying her parents had confirmed that she had no revenue nor property abroad, to their knowledge. In short, we introduced the idea to the mediator that we did not want to pay child support nor split assets. It is a bit complex how to avoid paying child support, but it is possible. Still, any spouse remains capable of suing for it. As for assets, it's fairly simple as we have about none to split. So this will quickly close the financial aspect of the D. In fact, next time we're supposed to meet just to review the whole thing. It went by real fast. I'm tempted to say that it's because WW and I easily agree on these things and always have.
I was sad at some point. I'm divorcing. Against my will. From the woman I love. Losing half my kids. I can try and detach all I want, I can't keep this from affecting me. After the session, she walked me as far as she could before our ways parted and we ended up speaking another 15 minutes on a street corner, like two people who have much to say and can't say it. She laughed too much at the slightest joke. She wants to be friends. Oh.
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PigPen | Thanks for letting me know! That's why I put them together. Always remember that these things take time and what my signature says: "The middle of every successful project looks like a disaster."
RAI | Thanks! Well, that'll teach me not to procrastinate!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I think I remember what I wanted to tell you. I saw you lose some of your lustre towards the end of your last thread. Despite your sitch, there is usually an air of optimism pervading your thread. When I saw you down, I was concerned. I just wanted to cheer you up and tell you what a great support you have been to others on this board.
Mediation report | The fourth and last session took place today. WW wanted to talk about relocating to her home country eventually and said that she was willing to stay here another five years, but not a full 15 (until D3 is 18 and roaming the world anyway). This was news to me that she was willing to stay that long. My take on it was that it's way too early to decide what we'll do in five years. The mediator was with me on this. I pointed that within the span of three years, we went from the birth of D3 to her moving out. I said that life was full of surprises, including this D in my case. I also said we had no idea how our situation would be in five years, including remarrying someone with a family here, maybe marrying someone from abroad, etc. I mentioned that five years ago, we were getting married and had only one kid, and five years prior, we had just met. I never made any mention that we might be R at some point; it seemed like pursuing. WW didn't get much out of this discussion because I only said I was aware of the difficulty of our situation and that things could evolve greatly over the years. Next step is to find a new lawyer that will translate our agreement into legal language to file for D.
PMA report | I'm getting bored again with my sitch. I feel much less affected by my encounters with WW. Part of me wants to be friendly because I just don't care much. In the discussion after the mediation, she made a big deal that I started cooking cake recently, as if she couldn't fit this with her image of me. Not sure why (been cooking for years, just not dessert). I slipped in there that I had regain the weight, but better (no direct mention of the gym). I told her a few fun things we've been doing with the kids. She also showed a bit of a competitive parenting side when I told her that I finally watched Frozen with D7 and D3, saying with regret that she meant to watch it with them. After we parted ways, I went on about my day as if nothing happened. I was not sad, I was just done with an unpleasant business of the day. Before the session though, I had cried at home because I'm facing the loss of my family once again. No such thing afterwards. The feeling is best described as "Oh well".
Have I given up on R? No. It's just not in the cards right now and everything tells me to focus on myself anyway, so that's what I do. I don't think I do anything to prevent R from happening eventually. I'm still very cordial.
Dating report | Not sure what to say. So much is happening on this front. I consider it to be mega-GAL (very absorbing) rather than proper relationship stuff, but I do feel enthusiastic about it oftentimes. It gives me some insight into the WAS mind, as I feel the pull of the new, the apparently simple. Yet, I'm still in the middle of D and quite early in therapy and do not consider myself M material for anyone. I'm not making promises to that effect. Maybe one day I'll take the time to share a bit more about what's happening, but I wonder if it's of interest or relevant for the LBS on this board. I'll just say for now that it's fascinating to see how fast things can evolve in nine months.
All will be fine in the end? I'm starting to believe it. ______________________
RAI | You're right, I was very concerned by this mediation. I feel better now that it's behind me. Hopefully, the optimism with shine again!
Karma12 | Yes, tough times, but less tough every time. Phew!
Vanilla | I'm not sure I'm worthy of your appreciation, but I welcome it! I hope you're well, considering the painful situation in which you are. I'm glad you are on these boards, for you and for all of us, LBS. Consider me a fan too.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
You got through it Mozza. All you can do at this point is continue to move forward and to try and find some joy in each day. Keep posting. You aren't alone.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
