As I revealed on Erinns thread my wife has a username here and on at least 2 or 3 other forums and has followed me all over the internet reading what I wrote.
First of all if you are in this situation currently or suspect you may be in this position. DO not post on this thread, although please follow along and if you would like to comment hit notify and send me a private message.
There are some things you can do NOT to get in this position which are mostly contained in the post below.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Also another thing you can do is pick a username that does not identify you in any way. I am guilty of this as every one of my usernames gives out information about myself or some other key piece of information about me. And yes I was formerly a cadet, and an oldpilot,if you look at my old posts you will see that I thought that if I changed my username that I could hide my identity which of course did not work. And I was able to find out my wifes usernames by seeing that she had usernames which described what she was feeling on those days. Her username here on this board is Replay, and on another board it is Divorce. Although she never made any posts on any boards that I was on.
Turns out that my wife read the posts here about key loggers and installed one on our computer and then was able to know everything about what I did on the internet.
After they find you changing your username is worthless as we all know that you can still track who you were. Looking at old posts and seeing that you were quoted or called out by your old username.
You can get a new name, which I also did on many boards. If you read many of my posts you may be able to figure out who else I am here on DB.
SO the first thing you should do is change all your usernames and passwords on all devices and see if you have any spyware on your devices or internet connections. Password protect everything if possible. Notify me or the admin here and request to have your threads moved to a safe location on the board that only moderators can see.
Do not post any information that you would not want your spouse to read or know about. I would caution to be especially careful about posting any personal information, or information concerning your legal strategies. My ex it seems was looking for an advantage on what she could use in court. Now that may be peculiar to her however I believe that the spouses that hunt down their LBS's are very manipulative and controlling. They are looking for any information that they can use to twist things around and mess things up. My guess is that YOU have enabled this type of behavior for years and failed to see your own co-dependent ways.
Anyways that is all I can think of for now. Please feel free to comment and make other suggestions.
As I understand this, there is no special "board members only" section. It's either leave it all as is as public threads, or move your threads to where NO ONE but mods can see them.
To me, asking them to be moved means you are done here (unless you plan to start over with a new name, new thread, etc).
Also to send the PM you can use the Notify button on the far right of the quote, reply, etc toolbar under a post.
Sorry to hijack, I just thought I could help lessen the confusion if anyone else stops by here. Cadet, please edit/delete this as you see fit.
Edit - good advice - I totally agree. - Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 07/23/1512:27 PM. Reason: message
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
I have left an explanation of the NOTIFY button in the board policies thread.
If you want to NOTIFY about your threads - do it on a POST in your thread, not here as most of these posts have already had a notification made already.
jedi, That is correct that there is no special "board members only" section. Posters only have two choices: 1) leave the postings on the public forum or 2) move the threads over to where only the MODs see them.
For those posters who have already posted quite a bit of their life's history here, it's a bit late to request your threads be moved to a secure place because if your spouses have been lurking, they've already seen the postings.
What I would suggest is that if you think you've been posting entirely too much data that technically could be used to your spouse's advantage, then step away from the forum for a bit and return w/a new user name and use a different email address in your personal profile. In other words, sign on as a new user and not just a poster wanting to change your ID.
If you opt to only change your ID to a new one, the new one will automatically change in your older postings. I have seen this happen quite frequently when I've changed my ID over the years. So, it's best to start completely fresh and keep your postings as generic to your situation as possible.
For those who change their ID's because of the possibility of spouses lurking, do not link your old threads to the new ones that you are creating under the new ID and email address.
If people figure out who you are and ask why you changed your ID, just tell them you felt it was necessary.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If you opt to only change your ID to a new one, the new one will automatically change in your older postings. I have seen this happen quite frequently when I've changed my ID over the years. So, it's best to start completely fresh and keep your postings as generic to your situation as possible.
Above post is great advice except that you can still figure out who you were on the old posts by any quotes or when you are called out by name, which happens quite frequently.
Cadet, What you've stated about the quotes or when a poster is addressed by their old ID by fellow posters is very true. Unless the members remember that names can be changed for any number of reasons and try to remember to reference the poster by the new ID, there will always be some slip ups along the way.
I also wanted to point out that I did a "google" search of my former ID here and guess what! A lot of the references w/my old ID showed up. With that in mind, I strongly urge posters to come up w/generic IDs that will be a bit difficult to figure out who you are just by doing a search of your ID. If you don't care if a spouse, former spouse or nosy friends, etc., read your postings, then use whatever ID you want.
Again, posters have to be careful as to what they are posting here and on other forums. Many of the online forums are not as secure/private as you think. Many of the postings on various internet forums are cut and pasted into other internet forums to show examples of situations, advice/suggestions given and how the situation shakes out. This is another reason to keep your postings as generic as possible. What you think will remain here, doesn't necessarily happen all of the time.
Please understand, I'm not trying to scare you into not posting, but you have to be careful and think about what you are posting before you do so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Return w/a new user name and use a different email address in your personal profile. In other words, sign on as a new user and not just a poster wanting to change your ID.
I am re-posting this for emphasis.
Although Job says to change your name, if your spouse has found you on this board I would suggest becoming someone else with a brand new user name, like I said elsewhere, I have more than one username on many different boards, and although on other boards it is not legal(called a sockpuppet) - I have never seen it as a problem here. There are many users here that have more than one user name. Myself included. I honestly believe that if your computer is not being key logged then you will have some safety in doing this.
Although I am not advocating sockpuppets to circumvent bannings, which have been done here on numerous occasions, for some reason there has never been the problem with it as has happened on other boards. Although I will say that those who are using sockpuppet identities may not get off of moderation unless they come fully clean and admit there wrong doings and promise not to violates the TOS again.
I hope that makes things clearer and not cloudier. And I guess that although I am posting this as a moderator it is also my personal opinion and not "official" from the admin.
