Hello everyone, Blu here! Just to recap on my sitch:
Like many of you I was the LBS for a long time. My H and I were married with kids, I adored him, we were in love for a long time, beautiful family, small town, lots of friends, and he was the nicest guy! I thought I had it all and he would never hurt me. My family, friends and community thought we had it all.
A string of very difficult life events lead to the corrosion of our marriage. Things were rapidly changing and falling apart and I just could not put my finger on why we couldn't cope. Something in my gut was telling me for months--maybe longer--that something just wasn't right. I got the ILYBINILWY. The distance was growing. I was battling with my own anxiety and depression with the life hardships, and so I had trouble seeing that my M was slipping away in front of me. I completely blamed myself! My H was the most wonderful man and I never thought he would hurt me. .... WRONG.
I found out he was having an EA with OW in our same small town for 6-12 mos. No idea when it started and I don't think he knows either because they were just "friends" in his mind. But in his gut he also knew it was wrong. So when I found out about this "friendship" and that he was lying to me and seeing her behind my back, I was heartbroken, devastated, and so angry. With all the crisis that was happening already, I had no reserves to deal with this. We fought, I went crazy, we split up. I read the forums here but struggled to DB. In the beginning I was angry, lashed out, and gave ultimatums. Then I became further anxious and depressed and cried, begged, and pleaded. Of course I only pushed him further away. I always struggled to focus on me.
So we were separated for about a year and their EA went to PA and they had a full blown R. It was the darkest and scariest time in my life. Here I was with these kids, in this town--always wondering who knew--hanging on by a thread, with the shame staring me in the face. I honestly don't know how I survived. I couldn't eat, lost over 30 pounds, couldn't sleep, had problems at work, my kiddos were visibly struggling, and I had this possible D looming and fear of losing my home. My life was completely turned upside down.
Then everything changed. It was also the hardest year of his life and he was running to OW because it was the only thing that "made" him feel good about himself. He always knew the A was wrong, he always felt guilty, but he justified it because of his anger towards me. An anger that had built up over time that I never even knew was there. He was the typical Nice Guy, perfect H and family man, and put my needs before his own. I had no idea he was silently suffering and building resentment towards me all those years. He completely rewrote history. That is how he justified his A--he deserved to be happy, I make him miserable, and the more I lashed out while he was gone, the more he justified it and pointed the finger at me. My wonderful, loving H was a complete alien to me.
Well that only lasts so long. You can't blame someone else for your unhappiness and quite frankly, while he was gone and having his A he was more unhappy than ever before! It was the times that he missed his normal life and I was cordial that he missed me. It was when he saw that I was starting to move on--not by words, but by actions--that he was terrified of losing me. He knew he hadn't tried in our M.
So, he has been back over a year and we have been piecing. When H came back he did a 180--he was remorseful, transparent, working on himself, and out of the fog. It happened rather quickly from my perspective--1-2 weeks. He was back and in my gut I just knew. He has remained this way and it has been consistent. ... Always trust your gut. My gut has never steered me wrong in the last few years, I just didn't want to listen to it.
So here I am. I am still learning about acceptance, forgiveness, and mostly--what I tell all of you--that the fundamental principle is what we all need to focus on, and that is self-love. DB is about YOU. Love yourself, work on detachment and breaking codependency, and know your value in any R. You are valuable and no one else can determine your worth! Whether you enter piecing or not, that is what will get you through life and lead to strength and happiness.
These boards got me through some very dark days. Waywards do come back. Always trust your gut and take care of yourself first. I am here for you guys.
Thank you, Blu
Last edited by Cadet; 05/31/1601:09 PM. Reason: Link
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu- Your support and feedback has been helpful. I hope my H realizes what you mentioned that you cannot blame someone else for your unhappiness and that love is an action not a feeling. Even tho he is distracted and does not see it now, hope he realizes that its worth having the opportunity to get through together instead.
Here are the mantras I mentioned earlier from Realitytrip's thread. Her thread is a useful read actually...
I remain calm in the face of fear. I remain calm in the face of pain. I remain calm in the face of anger. I remain calm in the face of surprises. I remain calm in the face of anything. I remain calm.
I breathe into the fear. I breathe into the pain. I breathe into the anger. I breathe into the surprises. I breathe into anything. I breathe
I haven't seen many posts from 25 lately - though she does post sometimes and yes I'm sure they did Retrouvaille. Caliguy on the MLC part of the forum also attended with his W - though they have since S unfortunately. He did think it was helpful at the time. There was also a big debate about forgiveness on his thread - probably middle of last year - which also may help.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to your new thread, Blu!!! I loved your summary post here.
I also think my H falls into the Mr. Nice Guy category. Much of what you said about your H resonates with my husband's actions, too, at least for the majority of the time I knew him. I totally know where you're coming from about the alien, too.
My H definitely blames me for his unhappiness. I don't know if he is just wayward, or if it's a MLC, or what, but I suppose it doesn't really matter all that much. He's doing his own thing and I'm here trying to figure out how to do mine. Unfortunately, he's so far away that he may well never see me starting to move on.
Thank you for the reminder that we LBSs need to learn how to love and care for ourselves first.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
"He was the typical Nice Guy, perfect H and family man, and put my needs before his own. I had no idea...."
Yes, this resonated with me and my H was much the same. Though looking back now I can see danger signs that at the time I put down (or he told me) were due to work pressures etc. I think this happens to a lot of people and it is a lesson that voicing our own needs - even when that feels scary - is so important.
Hope you have a good day today Blu. x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm just catching up with your threads and your situation, sharing your experience is really helpful.
I am at the beginning of my H's MLC journey, but I too have been madly in love with the "typical nice guy" and I am still trying to work out what happened and how to move on from it. I'm consistently making mistakes, taking things personally, not detaching, not enough GAL, but with hard work and patience I hope we can do it. Unfortunately I have not managed to lower my expectations yet so I often get bitterly disappointed.
I am grateful for this forum and the amazing support here, so I understand why you feel like helping others. However, make sure you look after yourself too, and that you let us support you as well.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Jz, I am sorry you are in this spot, I really feel for you. I do believe one day H will see things differently, however for some that can take many months or even years. As a LBS, we have to accept that we cannot force them to open their eyes. I think sometimes the harder we try, the more they resist and deflect.
Sotto, I appreciate your post. I think allowing calmness and breathing are essential. So much of our fear and anxiety spiral out of control, and sometimes we just need to detach from all of the toxic thoughts. ... I will look for those posts. I have noticed that once folks getting into piecing, they don't post as much.
Phoebe, I want to talk more about the nice guy phenomena. I have noticed in reading here that there are some differences between WWs and WHs. It seems that WWs try and tell H that they are unhappy and want change over time, but H doesn't get it or take it seriously. WHs that suffer from nice guy syndrome do not call attention to their needs and bury their feelings. They tend to be people pleasers and have a strong identity in being the good husband, father, and family man. In the case of my H, he had a very strict and emasculating mother growing up. He felt it was his duty to put women first and he lost his own identity and outlet in our family. Since I was the main decision maker, it made it easier for him to blame his unhappiness on me.
I don't like to gender stereotype, but I can't help but notice some common themes. When the Hs come to the boards, they are shocked and desperate, but it doesn't take them long to admit that WW was trying to reach out to them for some time. Seems that more Ws (LBS) can look back and see signs that H was detaching, having a MLC, but they were not clear in telling W what they wanted and needed. Have others noticed this?
Esame, thank you. Keep reading and posting! This is a great community. This is a very tough journey, but you will get through it.
I decided to go back to MC with H. I am going to try and keep it more matter of fact and seek advice. Perhaps look at it like a business contract. I don't think it behooves us to have scheduled emotional spewing sessions that evoke anxiety. I will leave those for the random outbursts, and really don't want to pay for that either.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu, my H is as you said - he never made clear his needs or was able to tell me what he wanted. He was raised by a very emotionally volatile mother. I've never met anyone who can go from normal to sobbing to normal to offended to... whatever emotion as quickly as her. She's all over the map. I have always thought that H learned to duck her emotions/ keep a low profile so as not to upset her. He still does with her and I think he did the same with me, even though I actually wanted to hear from him.
On the night of our first real crisis almost 3 years ago I tried to ask him what he wanted and needed and got nothing. Now it seems it was my fault he was not able to tell me. Now... I see I was missing something very important. He saw/sees himself as a doormat.
Anyway, for a couple years I knew something was off kilter, but he didn't tell me what. I wish I had recognized the red flags at the time, but I didn't understand what was going on, except in hindsight. 20/20, right?
Blu, have you considered something more along the lines of marriage coaching? Something more forward-looking, rather than retreading the same old water/rehashing the same old troubles? Prompting spewing from either of you in a session doesn't sound helpful. It sounds painful. Sometimes it seems like it might be better to try to learn new skills for moving the R in a better direction from where it already stands, as nothing can change the past. Yes, it helps to understand how you got there, but after a while it's time to move on. Reopening the old wounds time and again isn't really progress.
Take anything I say with a few pounds of salt, but maybe it's time to change things up a bit.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
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