WHs do come back--Piecing--acceptance & time

[BluWave]

Link to thread 1 here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...289#Post2670289

Link to thread 2 here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2677578&page=1

Same intro here:

Like many of you I was the LBS for a long time. My H and I were married with kids, I adored him, we were in love for a long time, beautiful family, small town, lots of friends, and he was the nicest guy! I thought I had it all and he would never hurt me. My family, friends and community thought we had it all.

A string of very difficult life events lead to the corrosion of our marriage. Things were rapidly changing and falling apart and I just could not put my finger on why we couldn't cope. Something in my gut was telling me for months--maybe longer--that something just wasn't right. I got the ILYBINILWY. The distance was growing. I was battling with my own anxiety and depression with the life hardships, and so I had trouble seeing that my M was slipping away in front of me. I completely blamed myself! My H was the most wonderful man and I never thought he would hurt me. .... WRONG.

I found out he was having an EA with OW in our same small town for 6-12 mos. No idea when it started and I don't think he knows either because they were just "friends" in his mind. But in his gut he also knew it was wrong. So when I found out about this "friendship" and that he was lying to me and seeing her behind my back, I was heartbroken, devastated, and so angry. With all the crisis that was happening already, I had no reserves to deal with this. We fought, I went crazy, we split up. I read the forums here but struggled to DB. In the beginning I was angry, lashed out, and gave ultimatums. Then I became further anxious and depressed and cried, begged, and pleaded. Of course I only pushed him further away. I always struggled to focus on me.

So we were separated for about a year and their EA went to PA and they had a full blown R. It was the darkest and scariest time in my life. Here I was with these kids, in this town--always wondering who knew--hanging on by a thread, with the shame staring me in the face. I honestly don't know how I survived. I couldn't eat, lost over 30 pounds, couldn't sleep, had problems at work, my kiddos were visibly struggling, and I had this possible D looming and fear of losing my home. My life was completely turned upside down.

Then everything changed. It was also the hardest year of his life and he was running to OW because it was the only thing that "made" him feel good about himself. He always knew the A was wrong, he always felt guilty, but he justified it because of his anger towards me. An anger that had built up over time that I never even knew was there. He was the typical Nice Guy, perfect H and family man, and put my needs before his own. I had no idea he was silently suffering and building resentment towards me all those years. He completely rewrote history. That is how he justified his A--he deserved to be happy, I make him miserable, and the more I lashed out while he was gone, the more he justified it and pointed the finger at me. My wonderful, loving H was a complete alien to me.

Well that only lasts so long. You can't blame someone else for your unhappiness and quite frankly, while he was gone and having his A he was more unhappy than ever before! It was the times that he missed his normal life and I was cordial that he missed me. It was when he saw that I was starting to move on--not by words, but by actions--that he was terrified of losing me. He knew he hadn't tried in our M.

So, he has been back over a year and we have been piecing. When H came back he did a 180--he was remorseful, transparent, working on himself, and out of the fog. It happened rather quickly from my perspective--1-2 weeks. He was back and in my gut I just knew. He has remained this way and it has been consistent. ... Always trust your gut. My gut has never steered me wrong in the last few years, I just didn't want to listen to it.

So here I am. I am still learning about acceptance, forgiveness, and mostly--what I tell all of you--that the fundamental principle is what we all need to focus on, and that is self-love. DB is about YOU. Love yourself, work on detachment and breaking codependency, and know your value in any R. You are valuable and no one else can determine your worth! Whether you enter piecing or not, that is what will get you through life and lead to strength and happiness.

These boards got me through some very dark days. Waywards do come back. Always trust your gut and take care of yourself first. I am here for you guys.

Thank you,
Blu

[Phoebe]

Welcome to your new thread, Blu!

I do think that there is more to be gained here by engaging with the community than by reading threads. I'm glad that you've found it helpful to join in and I know that others here, including myself, benefit from your presence, too.

I

[BluWave]

Deep breath. ... Here I go. ... My H's former AP's (OWs) XH (or STBXH) is here on the boards. I know it.

He is the one that told me about DB a couple years ago when our spouses left us for each other. He became my rock and an amazing support person while H (and his W) were deep in the fog. He was always better at DB than me, that is for sure!

While my H came back, his W moved on to her next OM. I believe he has since moved on and is doing well. I had no reason to think he was still coming here to DB land. Of course with my H coming back, we had lost touch.

I don't feel I should say much more. I haven't censored my posts one way or the other because you are here. As you know, I am always transparent--and perhaps naive--with how much I share.

I will say, I am glad you are here. You offered me much calm and rational wisdom in the most chaotic time in my life, and I have no doubt you can do the same for those here.

How did we end up here at the same time, only two days apart after all this time? I just can't help but wonder what the universe is telling me.

-Blu

[BluWave]

Correction: not 2 days, but 2 weeks.

[LiM]

Wow BluWave, that's got to be tough knowing that. And its got to be tough for him to be here. I'm sorry for the both of you.
I did reach out to my W's A partner after OM confessed to his W. I really wasn't looking to bond or form a relationship with her. I just wanted to give her some advice on resources that might help her (including this forum). We only communicated by text a couple of times; she never wanted to meet. Now I wish she would just cut off contact with my W!!!!!!! She has become an unwanted intrusion into our M. My W feels a need to maintain a connection with her I believe so that she can try and atone for her "sins." But it just keeps bringing drama back into our life that I don't want or need.
On Monday, OM emailed me and asked to meet so that he could apologize in person. Well, I don't want or need an apology from him. I don't care what he thinks/feels. He is irrelevant to me. I would just like them both to be gone.

This is a crappy deal for all of us. All we can do is make the best we can of the hand that has been dealt to us.

[Coconut]

BluWave, I was shocked when I read this and didn't know what to say so I kept my mouth shut. My first thought was any distraction from outside sources could be a negative in piecing.

But then I thought about it, and I think that it is great that he's here, that he will, or probably already has seen your story. I believe he gave you the best gift he could, I've read your posts, I know that without DB you wouldn't be where you are. In essence, he gave you your M back, or at least a shot at getting it back. I hope he has found a place where he is happy, I'm sorry to hear his M didn't survive, but by no means do I believe that means that he is not happier now.

I would understand if it is too much to dredge up knowing he is also on the boards, so I for one will understand if your story ends here (I hope it doesn't), but you are insightful and inspirational, and I pray you still stick around.

[BluWave]

Thank you both. It doesn't change anything for me in terms of what/how I post. I have a lot of love and respect for him. When I was falling, he was there to catch me, and that is what matters and what we remember about people.

We naturally lost touch and it's understandable. He would not want anything to do with my H and he knows what a POS I still think his W (or XW) is. Life has moved forward for both of us and we have gone our separate ways. It's okay.

Which brings me to my current topic of acceptance. I have spent a lot of energy in my life trying to control things--situations, outcomes, relationships--and often it worked for me (or so I believed) so I kept it up. During my DB fails (for lack of a better term), I was completely spinning. Not only because I was heartbroken and terrified, but because I felt I had no control over my life anymore.

I am coming to realize that I always had and will have control over my life, but not in the sense that I thought I did. I can't actually control situations, outcomes, or relationships, but what I CAN control are my actions AND my perspective. We can always alter our perspective but we have to stop being stubborn and be open to that. Perhaps if I understood this better, I would have been more successful at DB. I just knew H was making a terrible mistake and I wanted to show him. I tried to control him. However, because of my (explosive and emotional) actions, I pushed him further away, and I in turn made it near impossible for H to come back. I know that now.

I am starting to understand that my control IS acceptance. It's not necessarily the actions of change or influence, but rather accepting where I am in the present moment. If I can't accept it, then I can control trying to see it from a different perspective. If I still can't accept it, then it is not my place to change it, but rather find something different that works for me. Or move on without it.

This may seem obvious, but for me it wasn't. I think I was my own worst enemy. Now, the more I am accepting, the more I realize I can control my own happiness and life satisfaction. If when H had his A and left me, and I didn't lose control and fight it, I could have successfully DB. By success I mean, let him go and learn to love myself again. Not sure if I would have taken him back had I been stronger, but either way I could have been in a better place and not tortured myself for so long.

Just my thoughts for today.

Let go of your spouse. They are asking for that. Accept they are gone and remedy your own pain. Stop torturing yourself and trying to mind read and control them. Once you can do that, they may begin to feel safe to come back.

Blu

[BluWave]

There are a few of you that I wanted to reply to, but since it is the same feedback, I thought I would put it here. I certainly can relate to the spinning and feeling that even when you are "doing everything right," it still doesn't work. You are not getting the results you want.

So I want to challenge some of you (you know who you are) to change the way you measure results. Just shift the way you are thinking. The way you can measure results is in your small successes with DB and not in what your spouse is doing. You cannot control what they will do, or if they will even notice your changes, but you can slowly control your actions and the way you think about your sitch.

So, try and set up your list of goals as small, but measurable, things that you CAN do. Your success in DB is if you can do those things and for each of you, depending on where you are in this process, the goals will be different.

If you are not sure where to begin, and you keep spinning and looking to your spouse for results, then you are setting yourself up for failure. It will take them a LONG time to notice, change, or come around. When they do, you will know. So stop trying to look and analyze.

So start with a list, and if you don't have one, take some from Sandi's rules. Next, measure your success on your ability to DO them. Start off by measuring success on your ability to follow day by day, then by week, and for those of you that have been in this a while, month by month. For me, I could have started with hour by hour!

I wish I had done this. I kept looking behind me to see if H had noticed or was coming back around. It was a lot of (painful) wasted energy and I never had success. I think I would have felt better about myself, if I recognized where I was going right and gave myself credit where it was due. That was some hard stuff. And I still got up every day, took care of my kids, went to work, spent time with my family/friends, and then I did it again, day after day. Looking back on it, I see now that I worried about him far too much, and that is not what brought him back.

Just my 2 cents for today.
Cheers.
-Blu

[rich4j]

It is great to read your sitch....and that you were able to fight through the tough times and get to at least the place you are at....definitely inspiring.

I have read many times that even a Divorce is just a piece of paper. Keep working on what you need to and good things will happen.

Glad he is back and best to you

[SH_]

There are a few of you that I wanted to reply to, but since it is the same feedback, I thought I would put it here. I certainly can relate to the spinning and feeling that even when you are "doing everything right," it still doesn't work. You are not getting the results you want.

So I want to challenge some of you (you know who you are) to change the way you measure results. Just shift the way you are thinking. The way you can measure results is in your small successes with DB and not in what your spouse is doing. You cannot control what they will do, or if they will even notice your changes, but you can slowly control your actions and the way you think about your sitch.

So, try and set up your list of goals as small, but measurable, things that you CAN do. Your success in DB is if you can do those things and for each of you, depending on where you are in this process, the goals will be different.

If you are not sure where to begin, and you keep spinning and looking to your spouse for results, then you are setting yourself up for failure. It will take them a LONG time to notice, change, or come around. When they do, you will know. So stop trying to look and analyze.

So start with a list, and if you don't have one, take some from Sandi's rules. Next, measure your success on your ability to DO them. Start off by measuring success on your ability to follow day by day, then by week, and for those of you that have been in this a while, month by month. For me, I could have started with hour by hour!

I wish I had done this. I kept looking behind me to see if H had noticed or was coming back around. It was a lot of (painful) wasted energy and I never had success. I think I would have felt better about myself, if I recognized where I was going right and gave myself credit where it was due. That was some hard stuff. And I still got up every day, took care of my kids, went to work, spent time with my family/friends, and then I did it again, day after day. Looking back on it, I see now that I worried about him far too much, and that is not what brought him back.

Just my 2 cents for today.
Cheers.
-Blu

Well said Blu!
There are many LBS that should read this over and over and over again until it can sink in.
The road to healing and peace is much shorter if one can comprehend this and apply it.
I am not saying it is easy, but it is worth it and it is the only way.
It is the DB way.