Anxious to hear more about your situation. I am beginning to understand what everyone has said about this being a marathon and not a sprint, but I am only 7.5 months post-BD. You have been helpful to me in the past and I thank you for your wisdom from experience.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
My update is that I don't have much to update. For me, this is good news. After several years of heartache, confusion, and then actively trying to piece, I am at a standstill. It is a welcomed break. My H did a 180 rather quickly and has been remorseful and consistent in his actions from day one. From reading here, I realize that this is not common. While I am grateful for it, I also need to honor my hard feelings.
V suggested a book on forgiveness that I am still reading. I want to be able to fully forgive him. What I have realized is that my understanding of what happened and time passing, have not alone led to forgiveness. My triggers have faded a lot--they are there, but they don't rattle me. I still have anger and resentment. Not just for the A and the choices he made to leave the M, but I am angry for what he destroyed between us. I do still believe that his A and him leaving for 10 months is what destroyed it. Despite our stresses and hardships before, we were still very much in love. There was closeness, respect, and a lot of attraction. I miss those feelings of intimacy. I know things will not go back to the way they were for the first 10 years, but it is hard to imagine what it will look like moving forward. This is not the M that I imagined.
Things are fine in general. Our M and family function well; we both work, take care of kids and home, and we agree this is what we want. While he snapped out of his fog 2 years ago, he still can more clearly see what a terrible mistake it was. While I logistically know I want this M to work, I often wonder when my heart will follow my head. I don't "feel" that I am in love with him. I also struggle with respect.
So for now, I continue on and accept the present. We still plan time together and have dates. From the outside, everything looks pretty normal. I am not sitting and waiting for things to change. My goal is to continue to GAL, 180, and DB in general, not necessarily detachment, but a focus on healthy attachments.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Your comment about being angry about the old M caught my attention.
Are you angry about the loss of innocence that you and H once had together? Isn't this an area where you perhaps need to work on in forgiving H for the betrayal of such wholesome innocence by dishonoring it?
An MLCer who left a marriage will experience changes to the practical and emotional dimensions of her/his life. The practical dimension might include things like more money to spend, enjoying new home, and having less responsibility with kids -- to speak of positive changes only. The positive changes in the emotional dimension might include things like feeling more freedom and more excitement with new lovers.
I imagine that when some of those above things turn negative -- for example, instead of feeling more freedom, they feel lonely; or instead of feeling infatuated with a new lover, they become disappointed and disillusioned w/ the new lover -- that's when they might start to think about the LBS. "Hm, maybe I made a mistake...."
My question is this: it seems to me that when the EMOTIONAL things go bad for the MLCer, they might start to regret what they've done. But when the PRACTICAL things go bad for the MLCer, it probably won't make them regret -- instead they'll just resent the LBS for giving them a raw deal in life.
Do you think that's generally true? Will an MLCer really think about returning to a marriage because, gee, it sure was easier to pay the bills, keep the house clean, mow the lawn and fix our appliances when I was married?
I'd appreciate any thoughts, however speculative.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I'm coming up soon on a year divorced, so you putting effort in is so, so admirable.
I really now BELIEVE the EX-WW is gone for good, and even if she regretted doing what she did, and she has told me she's going to marry her now divorced boyfriend, I would not be able to take her back. I have moved on, and have become a changed person, a happier person.
ForGump - I think the MLC'ers and those waywards who divorce (like mine) often have deep regrets that they cover up with other sins. Sometimes the hole is just too deep. It's easier to shovel another load of dung on top and keep filling the hole. Others, the brave ones, find help, stop throwing dung, and then have to dig to the bottom. Only when they hit bedrock, and build from the very bottom of the barrel or hole, will they live an authentic, genuine, true life.
I also can see (but it might not hold true) that for men, they might snap out of MLC's faster, as men are not as emotionally functioning as most females... I say most, as I am a pretty emotionally mature guy, after the last year and a half. They might be able to put the tail between their legs and come home. Pride, though, is a really really tough sin to overcome. Some have learned from childhood to save face at all costs. It's really sad.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Your comment about being angry about the old M caught my attention.
Are you angry about the loss of innocence that you and H once had together? Isn't this an area where you perhaps need to work on in forgiving H for the betrayal of such wholesome innocence by dishonoring it?
What do you think?
Wonka, thanks for posting. I have tried to dig deeper on this, I have. Unfortunately, better understanding doesn't seem to help. We went to MC for a year, I have read books on it, and I have talked to my trustworthy people. Perhaps I don't know HOW to work on it. I don't want to live my life as a scorned woman. I want to forgive him, and I want to fall in love with him. I still have this anger though. I am angry at what he did and with who he did it with--she is awful (desperate, manipulative, and vindictive) and she had this in the works for longer than he knew. It is hard for me to accept that he could destroy our M and tear apart our family for that. While it is not that black and white, ultimately he left me to pursue that. He didn't even try to work through our struggles. He bailed. I always stuck by his side through thick and thin. He admits all along he knew he was wrong (from the EA to the full blown R with her when he left me), he knew it was running from his life, yet he did it anyway. He made choices over and over again to hurt me and the kids and it went on for so long.
Also, I am angry that his choices led to a loss of what we had. I know it is not just about her. I know that he couldn't handle things between us and just ran to whatever "made" him feel better. I feel as if we had something special--beyond innocence--we had a close R, we talked about everything, laughed, cried, were compatible (and still are) in so many ways, and we had this incredible attraction. Amazing sex all the time. We wanted the same things in life and we talked about it a lot. We have everything. It still hurts me that he gave up me and then essentially watched me fall.
So now he regrets it all. He has worked on himself and changed. I cannot think of one good reason today to leave him. But my heart. My heart is still so wounded.
I am not sure if that makes sense. 2*4s welcome as always. I will reply more and to the others later.
Thank you, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you for posting, I agree with Trumpet on that you are inspiring! :-) Even though my stbx didn't come back I think if she had I would have the same feelings as you. I stuck by her side through thick and thin for 9 years and one time we had an issue which was pulling us in different directions she ran so she could feel better.
I still can't understand it at all, we had the type of relationship that you described, we too had everything and she just walked away.
I can see the effort you are making and hopefully you will get the feeling that you want back.
I don't really have any advice I just wanted to thank you for posting and sharing your story.
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
No 2 x 4s ! Your feelings are your feelings and totally understandable and justifiable. You do not have an easy situation. Because while you now have choice , stay married or end the marriage (something the LBS does not get) you also now have responsibility that comes with being given an option. In a way, Those of us whose spouses left have it easier. We have no choice but to move on. We do get the choice of whether to find happiness in what we are given.
There is a poster that often writes following your beliefs over your feelings. I think if your belief is to stay married, you too get the simpler option of finding happiness in what you are given, and that is your marriage back.
Now if your belief was that you do not stay married after infidelity, then you would find happiness moving forward (like you did when ex left).
I guess you have to come to tems with what your beliefs are. What is forgivable in your mind? Not easy.
I also wonder if the anger and love loss that you feel now is similar to the anger and love loss that our spouses experienced that allowed them to leave and betray us. I know rationally...not comparable, but in their minds?
For Gump...very interesting speculations. It makes sense. I too would like to hear more about this.
