Perhaps it's time for a new summary before I dive into thread 5? Personally, I get overwhelmed by the length of some threads here and completely lose track. That, and I think you will see that my summary today has a different tone than when I first came here. So I am going to try and keep it short and brief for you. Then I would like to address some of the posters that I didn't get to yet on my last thread :-)
My name is Bluwave, however I sign my name "Blu." Why? Mostly I like the sound of it and it's easier to remember. Some posters' names are a cluster of numbers and letters, and I cannot recall who is who. Also, I love, love, love water and the ocean especially. The beach (any beach really) is my safe & happy haven. This journey of DB really has been like a wave--up & down, crashing or cruising, sometimes rough, and sometimes even smooth, even if only for a short while. For me, the end goal is down, cruising, and smooth.
So somewhere after many years M, kids, and life's hardships, things got to be more than we could manage. I can't even pinpoint when it started because I was blinded by love and adoration for my H. In our circle of friends I became increasingly uncomfortable with his "friendship" with OW. My instinct knew early on, but I didn't know for many months. We argued more and more (creating a greater divide) and she pursued in a parallel fashion. My H being king of the Nice Guy Club did not have boundaries with women at all.
So they carried on with this ea with kissing in the park (typing that actually made me LOL at how foolish they were and how embarrassing it should be for them. Sigh). My father was dying at the time so my judgment was clouded. My instincts knew early on, and my disdain for her was growing rapidly in an indescribable way. She would use the kids to see him, sign him up for things, text him often, and even come to my house (or have him over) without me. I would call him out often and he would listen, agree to cut her off, actually cut her off, yet he acted oblivious to my concerns. I had nothing to hold on to, so I just felt crazy. The worst part of it was H of course and his actions. The mental abuse/torture as H was gaslighting me for months, and while I was grieving, I still find appalling. I will never in my life trust another man (H or anyone) over my own internal voice (even if I don't understand it). Lesson learned!
So official BD happened 3 years ago. These dummies got caught hanging out at the park (that story is too glorious and really should be an after school special). After several weeks of me doing all the wrong things I kicked him out (thinking he wouldn't go). He did. And then OW left her H and they began to start their real fantasy R together. Turns out that was just a lot of drama, but despite trying to leave, he was totally sucked in for about 10 months.
Meanwhile I was struggling, as were my kids. I was a mess. A disaster. It breaks my heart to think of what I went through and how my family and friends all struggled (including OW's H, who is a friend). I found DB book and site and read often. This site (and the vets) got me through so many dark days. I am forever grateful for all of you. It took me a long time to be able to apply the principles tho. Finally I did; I dropped the rope and started to plan a life without him. He very quickly did a 180 and came back. Was it what I did or was he turning around anyhow? I can't say for sure, but maybe some degree of both.
So he has been back for over 2 years--MC for 1 year, a lot of hard work piecing, and recently we attended Retrouvaille. That is where I am at today. I think right now my success lies more in my own growth, strength, and detachment than from saving my M. That is still a work in progress. Either way I know I will be fine in this life with or without him.
That was longer than I meant for it to be! Sorry! ... I will be back soon to address the previous posters.
Lately I have started some new GAL hobbies, so I have not been here as much. I do wonder at times if reading/writing here keeps me held back, and then other times I find it healing. I just glanced at what I wrote above and I noted two things: 1. I still see myself as a victim in the situation (DB), and 2. I still blame OW a lot. Maybe I need so shift my thinking? What do you guys think? Perhaps these mindsets keep me held back a bit.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
"Beautiful BluWave. This will definitely give hope that a M can survive an affair. Love, if you see my post, is a strange thing.
But what is a real choice, is one to never give up, never let go, always holding on to what you have, even if that is not someone physical, but hope. They say that faith is a belief in things that you cannot see. I saw a sign the other day that said that "belief is not faith, knowing is faith". And I have to agree.
If you believe that your M will survive, then there's a good chance it will. However, if you know it will survive, then nothing can stand in your way. You will be that lighthouse, calling the other one home, even if the beach is foggy and it's raining. Two hearts that were meant for each other will always return to each other...
I'm a hopeless romantic... aaaargghhh"
DDJ, thank you for this. Yes, I recall you are quite the romantic. I wish my H had just a little bit of that going on. Nope, nada, not gonna happen. ... So knowing is stronger than believing? So knowing is faith, and belief is not? Hmmm, I was thinking that belief is faith and knowing that leads to choosing, so ultimately the choice is what will get us there. My thoughts and feelings still cycle so I have to keep making this conscious decision to make the right choice... My head is spinning a bit now :-0
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
25, I was reading your post to me and was wondering if you have ever thought about writing a book? You have detailed so much here about your M, your life, your struggles, and the words just pour from your finger tips. With each post, I get another glimpse into your thoughts and feelings. If you wrote a story, I would buy it :-)
I could never marry a doctor. I work with a lot of them. While I like and respect most of them, it is also a lifestyle that makes it difficult to have a family, or more so difficult to prioritize family. I actually completed premed courses in undergrad and then decided not to apply to med school. I already had one child at that point, but felt like to be successful (or even gain admission), I needed to give so much of myself. It is a continual effort, and if the effort is not put forth, you will quickly fall beneath your colleagues. The ego becomes fragile in this world. I don't know if it's possible to ever separate work from personal life.
I haven't stayed caught up on your thread, but from what I know, I do wonder if you would be better suited to find a partner in life as generous as you are. He will be responsible for his relationships with his kids, but they will always have this awesome, dependable mom. My mom had 3 Ms, however I am not sure she found true love (compatibility) until she was in her 60s.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I just read your comment to Lim, with your "advice" and then your explanation of what you would do. Just had to let you know what a great post it was. As I'm sure you know, even though I knew what I should do, I often did things quite the opposite because "I just needed to".
I completely empathize with Lim, how could a spouse, who truly has remorse, see an AP as anything good after the devastation their A caused to their spouse and family..
But your response got me wondering, how hyper sensitive the A has made you towards him doing things us guys seem to be wired to do. For example, if you overheard him and a friend commenting about a cheerleader at a game, or if you saw him staring at a "hot girl" nearby. I get the hypersensitivity towards the AP, but do you find that bleeds towards general comments? I'm just trying to wrap my head around how much a WS has to change for successful piecing, or at least to avoid pouring salt on old wounds.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thanks for stopping by:-) I am pretty honest that I was no expert DBer, and I am still not. Getting better tho that's for sure. I sympathize with Lim too. If I thought in any form my H had feelings or attraction for OW, that would be a deal breaker. I just know myself. He has regret and disgust for both her and himself. It's hard enough given that it happened, but if it still existed in any form, I think I would lose all attraction for him.
I don't think I have any jealousy issues or hypersensitivity regarding H and his attraction to other people. He is also not the type of guy who goes out, meets new people, or even engages in men's activities. He spends his free time with the kids, family, tinkering in the garage alone, and he likes to take long bike rides. In fact, quite the opposite, I think it would be more attractive if he were more social or out-going. All of his friendships (and relationships with women) have been other people pursuing him. Even when I met him, I felt like he was attracted to me, but I had to make it very safe for him to ask me out, etc.
My current struggle is I fall into feelings of apathy and loss of interest in general. Someone recently sent me an article, which outlined the Four Horsemen of relationship destruction/failure. I realized I have been guilty of all four. We have had some disagreements lately and fallen off the Retrouvaille wagon and admittedly I don't have motivation to get back on. I haven't shared many details, well, because I guess my mind has been focused on other things.
Most of you here are caught up in this whirlwind of emotions and fear of losing the M. I have my M, yet sometimes I feel like I would rather just be on my own. What frightens me is the apathy at times.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
It can be challenging after an affair. When we fall in love with our spouses, one of the reasons, at least for me, is the kind of person that our spouse is. Mine was kind, generous, smart, LOYAL, HONEST, caring, funny, etc.
After the affair I can't say that she's a loyal and honest person because quite frankly, she wasn't. During that time she showed me she was capable of horrific acts of cruelty to me. She crushed my heart.
Of course she responded to my DB'ing and came out of "the fog." She is all better now and wants to have that close bond we had before. She realizes what a gem that is to have in the world we live in today.
Well, here's the problem. I can't fully give her that again. She hurt me too bad. I can go to therapy from today until doom's day and I'll never trust her like that again. Why not? Because I know what she was capable of doing. It would be like me hiring a paroled child molester to babysit my kids. Sure he got counseling and is all better now but would you trust him around small kids? Nope.
I've been reconciling a few years and we are still married but honestly I'm just not feeling it like I used to. I've announced that I want a divorce and am probably going to move on. One thing that the DB program taught me is that I don't need a spouse. I can be just fine on my own. When they told be to detach, GAL, and move on, I did. I didn't fake it. I really did it. I detached from a person who hurt me worse than I've ever been hurt in my life and you can't just re-attach after something like that.
One night my W and I went out to a local bar. Things were ok until I eyed a very attractive woman for about 3 seconds. My W saw it and was pretty hurt. Now, this was about 6 months after BD. Turns out we were BOTH hypersensitive about anything even remotely having to do with infidelity. My W was funny about ME on the phone, worrying if *I* was up to shenanigans. There was a lot of waxing and waning for the first year. Like, one time I snapped at her for joking around about dating one of her clients who was clearly ugly and a disaster in the fashion department. She said, "if I was his date, I'd spruce him up". This INFURIATED me!!!! But pre BD, that comment wouldn't bat an eyelash. I'd laugh and move on, accepting that yes, this guy IS a terrible dresser and looks like he's chronically hung over.
So that's where we went with that. God, how I remember a time where my W and I would walk along the beach and she'd never have a problem with me looking at someone in a bikini, because in her words, "you always come home to me". Now? Totally different story. I miss those days.
I kinda feel the same as you now, Blu. I have it all. She's into me, texts me a lot now....more often than not she initiates sex. But see - the other day we went to the gym and I saw this guy who looked exactly like OM - bigger than me, bald, muscular - I think of him being over my wife, owing her, and my mind went south fast. I couldn't get out of the funk, couldn't leave the gym, and it enveloped me. I'm tall and lean and not very muscular and this just ruined me. What did he have that I didn't? The questions hit fast and furious and I had that thought: Is this was the rest of recovery will be like? Because I'm in a MUCH different place than I was last year and I'm a different person. I don't want daily reminders of what happened.
Could my W be that trigger? I've overcome so many fears in this last year, that the fear of losing my W still looms. What if I need to lose her to truly move on?
Or, as I said, am I really overthinking all of this again? I will admit, Saturday night truly sucked. Yet, Sunday morning and most of the day seemed really good. Yeah, I thought about her affair, but it didn't have that punch-in-the-gut feeling it usually does.
Maybe I need another year.
I know I'll never trust anyone else 100% ever again. So - do I leave her and find someone new, only to never trust them, or stay with someone I've known for 30 years and never trust them again?
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
That's the crux of it all, trying to find that innocence that once existed. I will just share my place on the otherside (not piecing). Just to recap my story, I realized one night, my WW had distanced herself from me, I spent the next month trying to fix things. Month later BD, emotional A with kissing, I saw texts. Spent the next 2 months with her saying she was committed to M, but couldn't go NC due to both being volunteers at Fire dept. 2 months after BD I found out still in contact and that a mutual friend wanted to go out with Ww and meet this OM, I was done at that point, took 2 more months to sell the house and S. 4 months after that I moved out of state, haven't spoken since...
Is it better than the daily struggle of trying to piece, I dunno, but is a hell of a lot easier than in house separation.. I'm doing good, I worked the hell out of GAL, and now do lots of things that I love, but those could be done even if I was still with ex. Not having to work through issues with the WS is great, but sometimes during the downtime the house is too quiet, too much being alone. I miss the good times, feel hurt/anger when I replay specific conversations or acts of betrayal during our sitch, but I don't have any memory (it never happened) of remorse, I never got an apology, she never said she would do whatever she could to make us work.
In all, I think moving on is an easier path, you get to focus on self and only have to work on you, not on self and couple... But I think I would of preferred seeing/hearing remorse and trying to come together to build something going forward...
I guess my point is neither path is easy, both have their challenges, but knowing that WS regrets what they did would be my most sought after reward for having to suffer through either path.
I also think being ready to open up to someone new, and starting a new R will improve many of the "bad" times I experience, but I'm just not at that point yet, and not willing to rush it.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
