My wife and I will be married 7 years on Sept 18th. We have 4 boys together and 2 made by her and I.
In June my wife informed she was fed and and she was never in love with me. She told me that she had feelings for an old boyfriend from 17 years ago and she couldn't understand why they feeling never went away. She informed me that she felt like we weren't meant to be and she felt that we were disconnected.
We had a bunch of talks, which was me approaching her about the relationship and that seem to keep pushing her further and further away. During those conversations she told me she felt like I didn't provide her security and protections and I didn't understand her values.
During our talks also informed her she should to see the other guy and found out what she wanted to do (a stupid decision on my part)
She started talking back to her on boyfriend he lives in Maryland we live in San Antonio. Her sister was traveling the East Coast, so she took a trip to go visit her sister and her sister friend in July and they all met in Maryland. We she got back I asked her did she see him she told me no.
This past Monday I got into her phone and found out she did in fact actually see him. On her FB messenger they were telling each other they love each other. After I found out, I was heated I told her to get her things and get out. After about 15 mins, I calmed down and told her I wasn't mad and we talked about it and she informed me she think she is in love with him. She went in the closet and prayed and asked GOD for forgiveness. That night she informed me she knew what she had to do with the other guy since she was still married.
Also during the episode after I found about her and the OM, she informed me it worried her that I was so calm. Only thing I can think of why I was so calm is because of GOD's grace on me.
The next day we talked and she informed me she told the other guy she is wants to be by herself to work on herself. She told me she didn't feel the way about me the way I feel about her. She said that her the other guy hasn't something me and her don't have, (a friendship). I still know she is communicating with him.
During this time frame, I have been working on myself. I have lost 33 pounds and still losing I started going back to church and praying more. I feel happier and better. I'm very calm and I not to upset about much. It's a little freaky.
She hasn't ask for a divorce, moved out or starting packing her things.
I also have talk to 2 marriage coaches. The first one I talked to, told me to let ago (that was about 3 weeks ago). I don't think I fully let go like he informed me to do. I talked to another coach from divorce busting.com yesterday and he informed since my wife hasn't moved out, asked for a divorce and we are communicating and having a few long conversations to continue doing what I'm doing.
I have been helping out around the house more, smiling more, and helping with the boys more.
What plan do I follow, to try and fix my marriage?
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Maybe think about things from your wife's perspective. Why would she be upset or unhappy?
Would she say you've been critical? distant emotionally? Always trying to fix things instead of listening to her? Not helping around the house enough? controlling?
It's important to attempt to identify what she would say or think, regardless of whether you think those things about yourself.
Me: 36 W: 40 S: 4 Together 10 years, Married 8 BD and Seperation: 8 June 2017 Financial/Custody Filing by her: 25 Aug 2017
She informed me that I broke her. I didn't value her or show her I cared. She gave me examples of why she thought I didnt care. She also informed that in had a know it attitude she hated that. I work to fix all those aspects. I agree with her that those trAits were horrible for a husband and a man to have.
We have been talking and holding conversations every night since Thursday. She has been cooking and cleaning the house. She has also been willing to discuss her feelings and going into exactly what I have done to her. But she still say shes moving on. She hasn't mentioned divorce throughout all of this.
She also asking for my help now. Which she wasn't doing for a while.
What are some steps I can take to turn this situation around. My DB coach told me to stay the course.
My WW hasn't demonstrated some of the symptoms of others, but who knows whats truthful or not.
I just want a plan.
Can someone give me advice?
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I want to keep my family in tact with any plan that will help do that.
Last night we cooperated all day to get things done around the house and get the kids ready for their first day of school. We conversated about all kind of subjects and laughed and flirted.
We watched Came of Thrones together last night as well.
We also had sex. I don't take this as anything more than lust at this point.
I received my DR book in the mail yesterday so I will start on that today.
Any advice helps at this point.
How should I view yesterday events?
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
We also had sex. I don't take this as anything more than lust at this point.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS about these events. She is just as confused as you are.
I think you should read the book at this point and then ALL the homework. Then we can regroup and see what you should DO. And understand that sometimes DOING NOTHING is really doing something. Right now listen to your DB coach and stay the course.
