M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Many of the adjustments that I have made, that DB has recommended (and I agree with), are not sustainable for an indefinite amount of time.
You may want to think about that some more. The philosophy here seems to be "saving yourself and hopefully saving your M too." If your changes aren't permanent ones, why would you expect to have long term success fixing your M?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
And Sandi's "Rules" are guidelines, not rules. They are based on MWD's teachings and the words "Not all of these are applicable" must be heeded.
As I said, I don't know what you're discussing b/c it's a new thread.
Can you summarize to catch us up?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Neither of you has said you want to reconcile, let alone taken steps towards it. In fact, your wife has seen a lawyer. And you both merely said you are not going to file soon.
So you are not in piecing.
You are in the "I hope we can reconcile" phase. She's on the fence. From your wording to her, written here, seems you are too.
Is this^^^ an accurate, albeit succinct, recap?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
In my experience, my W is not one to embrace the concept of Closure.
I don't believe she will ever seek Piecing and for me to initiate that R conversation it would require pursuing.
So, for now, we are just pleasant.
Isn't a guideline, a rule? Don't you either follow them or not? Perhaps I am missing something.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR17, when a newcomer arrives on the board, s/he may not have the slightest clue about where they need to begin b/c most of them are dazed, confused and afraid. DB Members who are a little farther down the road, pluse Cadet's great paige of compiled resources will post various suggestion, and may say what worked best for them. It's not uncommon for a newcomer to get a little confused with all s/he is having to learn quickly.
Have you read the entire book of Divorce Remedy? Did you interpret some of the suggestions MWD gave for various examples of marital issues as never growing beyond the point to where you would have to continue using that tool throughout the rest of your life? Take for example the last resort tech (LRT). Applied during the pertinent time of the troubled MR......it can be very effective. But what if the couple reconciles? Would you advise them to use the LRT? I hope not.......b/c that was an application to use as the last straw, and if the couple is trying to reconcile, then they wouldn't use the LRT.
It's kind of that way with Sandi's rules, too. FWIW, I never named them. Someone else did and it stuck..........but they are not die hard rules, where you get kicked off the board for breaking one. And, they are not always applicable in ever stage of the MR, such as piecing.......just like DTR and LRT would not be applicable. Why? B/c they are simple guidelines, short bullet notes to help dazed & confused newcomers, who have probably been hit with the BD.......have something to put in their hands a list of Do's and Don't...........to give them some sense of direction.
On the other hand, if this does not describe what you are trying to relate in your sudden usage of one to three sentence posts lately.......then please spell it out for us. In the me
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It all makes sense when you are reading it and yes I did read DR book.
I understand that the LRT, Sandi's rules are not intended to be used forever and I'm assuming that I am not the only one that struggles to know when piecing begins. I have been told that I expected too much too soon.
Fact is, I saw results very quickly. I am not sure if we reconciled. On the surface, we may have, but I still have a lot of unanswered questions. I don't want to seem controlling, yet I feel someone has to captain this ship. Just pleasant interactions with surface only conversations. She is respectful and appears to be trying.
For nearly 2 weeks now W acts like nothing ever happened. No BDs, no talk of D. I think that she believes that breaking down and offering up that she had been through a lot recently was an adequate explanation. I don't feel that way. She seems to process thing much slower than I do.
I'm looking for piecing (as I understand it), but she doesn't seem to be heading there. She seems perfectly satisfied staying where we are right now.
I need some closure or at least an idea of where she is.
Without other advice, I believe that I will suggest that we have a talk. Otherwise, I don't believe that she will ever initiate one.
I remember reading that I may have to wait for a long time until she is ready. That is why I have continued to use the techniques. Am I doing it all wrong?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
