I hit 100, so I thought it was time for a new thread. So, I am going to skip another introduction in this thread, but you can read it on my last one. Thank you for commenting leah, roist, sotto, 25, and coconut. I will def get back to you guys individually later. I only have a few minutes today.
So, the OM (is that what I call him?) continues to pay me a lot of attention. It's confusing because even as I write that, I recognize that I sound as if it is happening to me. I don't want to be a victim, I want to be in control. But, do I like the attention? Yes. Do I flirt back? Yes. Does H have any idea? No. ... The biggest question: is this wrong? Maybe. Or maybe I am in denial? Maybe this is very wrong and this is how it begins .... I can't tell actually.
I was somewhat overwhelmed with guilt initially, but I am somehow losing that. Real talk: I like how it makes me feel. I feel excited, attractive, and alive. I have these boundaries that I have created in my mind that I won't cross, but at times they feel blurry. This is a totally new and unexpected place to be.
The good news about this is that I am starting to see my H in a more positive light. If I compare him to OM, he wins hands down. I don't want this OM. I am also starting to see how an A can start--I am starting to get it. I just don't plan on having one. ... Am I playing with fire tho? .... I am afraid, yes.
You guys can 2*4 all you want, but I don't know that it will change much here. I think this reads worse than it is. Strange as it may sound, I think this could be a good thing for my M in the long run.
You are absolutely playing with fire. This will NOT strengthen your M. You are at risk of doing to him what he did to you. You may feel justified in doing that but it’s still wrong. Don’t want to piece? Want out of your M? That’s fine. We know the LBS can turn into the WAS.
But if you’re going to, at least have the decency and dignity to END your M rather than using your husband as plan B.
There are many cases where the BS becomes a WS down the road. I think you are playing with fire here and you need to back up a bit. I think that the only reason that this EA has not progressed further is because of this forum and all that you have read on the subject.
I think that this might be a bit of a cry for help from you. Kind of like when someone talks openly about suicide. It usually means they want someone to talk them out of it.
I know this AP makes you very good. THEY ALL DO!!! That is how A's start. If they made us feel like s--t, well we would not be attracted to them.
You have too much skin in the game. You have blood, sweat and tears invested in saving your marriage and keeping your family together. I can read the justification and rationalization in your words. You are already making excuses as to why it's just "innocent" right now. It's not. This is how these things start. Just an "innocent friend that makes me feel good".
I think you need to really step back from this and make sure you mark your lines in the sand with concrete.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
I could not care less about you hurting your husband, but I worry about you losing yourself in this, and your R with your kids and others you love. I've seen firsthand how acting immorally can lower the moral standard in someone and it isn't pretty. As with anything that gives you a rush, once that initial act becomes the norm, you require more to get that feeling again. You felt guilty because you knew what you were doing was wrong, but now you don't feel guilty, so will the same things keep feeling good are will it require taking it a step further?
I've witnessed how lowering the moral standard can change a person and it isn't pretty. Things that are fun to do with loved ones become tedious because you don't get the rush you could feel if you were living your secret, exciting life. And it's a tough hole to climb out of once you start digging it.
Just be aware that you could lose yourself in this one, think about the OW, and how you describe her life, she likely started out feeling guilty about what she was doing too.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
your h had an affair and others knew of it. That is just crushing to the ego. I don't begrudge you wanting to be comforted by the attention of another man. To imagine a relationship without the gloomy cloud of the affair looming over you.
It's interesting that you find it enlightening into your h's affair.
It may help you "get it". Of course I'm referring to the attention you're getting, not an actual affair.
Of note is that the OM knows you are unhappily married, correct? How so?
Finally, I've learned something recently. It may resonate with you. I met a man I'm interested in. We seem to connect well and I'm attracted to him. Which is not common for me the past year. Internally I got ahead of myself emotionally and had to slow myself down. I projected a lot onto this man. In my head I had Beliefs that may not be true but what I wish for in a man.
And I could so imagine loving him, that it felt like I already did! As if thinking about being in love, was the same thing as being in love. This was a new experience for me. I am still processing this. It's impossible to be real, but it felt that way.
I think I'll be dating him too. But I hope I'm self aware enough to know that what I hope for him to be, his potential as a partner, is not the same as who he really is. Only time and honest reflection will reveal our compatibility.
If you go down the road (in your head, I mean!) think it out for real.
So your family breaks up, and your kids then find out you had an affair (& yeah, daddy did too, but his was a long time ago). Lots of pressure to put on a new r with OM.
He better be worth it, which you cannot know in advance.
OR you have OM on the side and you stay married. Some moral gymnastics are in order.
Don't get ahead of yourself. This OM is not the solution to your loneliness.
I have the feeling you can enjoy the attention without getting ahead of yourself. I could be wrong. But I get it.
Back to you and the m...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
FTR I recall the OW in your case and I don't believe she felt guilty at all, at any time.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You are bending a line you shouldn't even be approaching. I understand being lonely and unsatisfied whilst still married.
For me if you are in a R you stay and work on it. If that's not possible you end it. Having an affair should not be an option. Especially after being hurt by one, yourself.
I think that you think that the knowledge etc that you picked up here and on your journey will prevent you from crossing that line. It should but I wouldn't count on it.
I am glad it has given you the insight into how it could happen and even how it happened with H.
And my 2x4 is that I don't believe you are in a good enough place to even look at that fire, let alone play with it. You need to tell OM clearly that you wish no further contact, because you are not a cheating woman. And yes an EA is cheating.
Good luck. Thanks for your open honesty
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I don't see this as an EA. Even if I did, I'd rather have had h have an EA than a PA for sure.
Blue is working her a$$ off on the m.
She Endured the horror of a semi public affair in a small town, the OW was a nutcase to boot, Blu took her h back, pieced for 2 years, they Went to Retrovaille, and she is doing all that is human possible to feel the same way she used to feel, about her h.
She's trying to process the appeal of this OM and relate it to her h's A. She's gaining insight.
That is how I read her posts. I don't think she should end her marriage b/c there's a guy at work paying attention to her.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for all the replies. I am going to back track a bit and reply to the other posters as well.
Leah, what you say makes sense to me! I think it's human nature that if we feel down, or lonely, then positive attention from others feels great! More than that, it becomes vital. When it's from a person that is attracted to you, and if you are attracted to them, it can feel almost electric. I think I can also better understand how As can become addictive. You say there was an adrenaline rush and I imagine that like a little high--like a drug--and so when the fix is over, you can be left wanting it again. It starts to become more about that sensation than the OP or the reality of the sitch. I don't feel that this strongly with this OM, but I can absolutely understand better now how that happens. Attention feels good and we are left wanting more ...
roist, you say you don't have words to help me through, and then you say all of these things and wow, it was awesome! Thank you. You are correct; there is something to be said about H and his commitment to me, even as I have harbored so much resentment and been on the fence about the M. It has been some time now and he is still all in. Thank you for saying it reflects my worth, that means a lot to me. The last few years has taken a giant hit to my self confidence--I mean, how could it not?!? I do think I bring a lot to the table and he sees that too. Something about the dynamic with this OM has helped me to understand that an A can be more about the self (and our core insecurities) and less about the M or the spouse (maybe not all As, but it is definitely possible). This helps me to see that my H was not having an A to attack me, but more so he was running from his life and our M, and having an identity crisis. Esther Perel explains this beautifully. I also agree that my resentment is what holds me back. That is something that I am so, so aware of and want to move through!
Sotto, thank you for that! I really struggle with the forgiveness piece. It is interesting that we are both highly invested in forgiving, but for a different outcome. Reading your post made me think about myself and if I would have the same motivation to forgive H had we not come back together. And you know what? I have blindly assumed that I would not and that I would not need to. Perhaps that is telling about me. He is still the father of my kids, so I should want forgive him regardless. More than this, if we ended up with our M or not, doesn't it behoove us to all personally to forgive? Isn't it a type of poison to the psyche to hold on to anger/hurt/resentment? I wish I could definitively say yes, but I don't know. There is a reason that forgiveness is so hard, and I think ultimately we have these deep seeded self protective mechanisms that we are not even aware of. Oddly tho, the flirtation from this OM has helped me forgive H a little. Why? Because I am forced to see that it has nothing to do with H or my M; I am my own person and it is normal to have attraction to others! I think I lacked that thinking before because I am such a serial monogamous. I think his A hit me so hard because I felt like H was doing this awful thing to me and that OW (a so called friend) was also doing it to me. I can say now that the attraction I have with this OM has nothing to do with H or my M.
To Be Continued ....
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
25. I agree with you but stand by my warning/cautionary advice. I ill clarify I wasn't saying yo leave, but it's preferable to an A.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
