Thank you to all who have been holding me accountable and have given me advice. It is greatly appreciated. The advice is huge but more importantly is the cathartic nature of posting here. Since I never did really take up journaling as so many marriage fix experts recommend, this is the closest I come to it.
Just a brief update. W went to dinner with her best friend last night. Her best friend is also a member of the church and is a huge influence on my WW. If not for her and her other close church friends, whom would not approve of her behavior and she knows it, I think she would have been gone or moved on to a PA a long time ago.
That is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand she is still here and at least making a partial effort to move towards reconciling. On the other hand who wants to be with someone that is only there because they are guilted into staying? (Guilted isn't a word? WHO KNEW?)
Anyway, I could have snooped on her desktop PC. Between Google My Activity and Chrome history (which is device agnostic) you can gather quite a bit of intelligence. However, I refrained! In fact, I was never really tempted to do it. A brief thought crossed my mind when I walked by her office, but i dismissed it and that was that. Went back to watching the Olympics.
Small victories. Oh and it has been 24 hours since I initiated a R discussion!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I asked this in the other thread, but no one responded. If she is open to small shows of affection (hand holding, hugging, kisses goodbye and hi, back rubs, etc) should I be initiating? Or is this counter to detaching?
I ask because one of her complaints over the course of the marriage was lack of non-sexual contact and affection. Like I said, my sitch is a little unique (even though she is a typical WW) and detaching might have the opposite effect that it has on other Ws.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for popping in on my stitch. All I can say is that our situations and W's seem very similar aside from mine being actively engaged in an affair. My W stated the same about the lack of affection and I felt the same way as you about detaching. So I continued to let her reach out to me and I reciprocated in turn. We even got to the point where she was snuggling up with me in bed. But it meant nothing to her and was only a way to keep me stuck and emotionally attached. Exactly where she wanted me to be. Your W may not be actively engaged in an affair but trust me she is working on it.
I am not telling you what you should do because Lord knows I didn't want to accept this advice either but read my stitch and see how much spinning I have done and have gotten nowhere. You need to take action before she does find someone else otherwise it becomes even more difficult.
Mach1, I'm not sure what you're getting at? I'm not expecting sex. But i also don't want her to think I'm back to withholding affection of a way to punish her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I asked this in the other thread, but no one responded. If she is open to small shows of affection (hand holding, hugging, kisses goodbye and hi, back rubs, etc) should I be initiating? Or is this counter to detaching?
No you should never initiate those with a WAS. She is NOT open to that, and she will view it as you being weak, pathetic and needy. DON'T DO IT. You want to project a strong alpha image. You want to show that you are confident and do not need her.
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I ask because one of her complaints over the course of the marriage was lack of non-sexual contact and affection. Like I said, my sitch is a little unique (even though she is a typical WW) and detaching might have the opposite effect that it has on other Ws.
Oh man if I had a dollar for every time I've heard that on these forums Your sitch isn't unique at all, and detaching will not have the opposite effect that you think it will. That is just you trying to justify wrong behavior to yourself. DB'ing is counterintuitive, meaning it goes against what you -think- you should do to get her back. Here's the problem, she doesn't love you right now. She doesn't even like you and could even hate you. I know that's tough to wrap your head around but it's reality. Imagine how someone who hates you would respond to you trying to hold hands with them, or kiss them or give them a back rub. They would be REPULSED. That is where she is right now. You try that stuff and it will just push her away and probably even gross her out. So instead you have to pull back and give her space and make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave. She's going to need to see a fantastic, strong, awesome you FROM A DISTANCE before she'll start being attracted to you again. You need to be that good-looking guy across the room at a party that is talking people up and having a great time and just happens to catch her looking your way now and then and you flash her a smile and keep going about your business.
That sounds cold, but if holding hands works do it. If it ceases to work FOR YOU then stop. If you can do this do so without EXPECTATIION either good or bad. Like observing an experiment.
I for one am not anti ML but use protection. Some have ML until they D, others don't. I did ML almost to BD and then I discovered that the G was cheating with multiple OW, it was too risky.
A 180 for you is the opposite of what you did before.
More of the same gives you more of the same.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Your sitch isn't unique at all, and detaching will not have the opposite effect that you think it will. That is just you trying to justify wrong behavior to yourself. DB'ing is counterintuitive, meaning it goes against what you -think- you should do to get her back. Here's the problem, she doesn't love you right now. She doesn't even like you and could even hate you. I know that's tough to wrap your head around but it's reality. Imagine how someone who hates you would respond to you trying to hold hands with them, or kiss them or give them a back rub. They would be REPULSED. That is where she is right now. You try that stuff and it will just push her away and probably even gross her out. So instead you have to pull back and give her space and make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave. She's going to need to see a fantastic, strong, awesome you FROM A DISTANCE before she'll start being attracted to you again. You need to be that good-looking guy across the room at a party that is talking people up and having a great time and just happens to catch her looking your way now and then and you flash her a smile and keep going about your business.