Still in limbo III

[SteveLW]

Oh and she initiated again this morning. That's 4 days in a row.

[SteveLW]

sandi (and others). I've been doing a lot of reading about perimenopausal women having raging sex drives. In fact, my wife mentioned early on after BD that she is experiencing sexual feelings she's never felt before. She was very excited about that.

So couple that with the fact that our MR was in the toilet. We were so disconnected and living separate lives that when she started experiencing this supercharged libido she turned externally thinking that there was no chance of us having any kind of real connection, and she couldn't "go there" sexually with me because of that.

On 12/26 I started making changes. I instituted a "let her go" approach, but at the same time became more attentive. I helped around the house more. I got more involved with family time. I did a lot of 180ing in relation to the MR.

I also started GAL things as well. I started exercising. I started hanging out with buddies more often.

I did struggle with was initiating R discussions. Feeling her out. Seeing how she was feeling about things. Gauging whether or not any of my changes were having an impact. I also kept snooping. Checking her google account activity, browser history, and incoming and outgoing emails. I even asked to see her phone, made her log into things.

It has been almost 3 weeks since my last R discussion initiation. I did fall off the no snooping train about a week and a half ago but found nothing that was alarming. (She may be just being more careful so I can't read anything into the lack of finding anything.) But still that seems to have had a big effect (not discussing the R) as she even expressed that as we interacted in a fun, light way she was getting more emotionally invested back into the MR.

So there is part of me that thinks that this new found sexual energy between is because she is starting to feel more connected. As we get more connected she maybe she feels that it safe for her to explore this new found libido in the confines of her marriage, instead of external too it. From my reading this new found libido will last anywhere from 6 months to several years. (So I should enjoy that while it lasts!)

I've been very supportive of her enjoying this sexual energy herself too. Encouraging her to research and purchase toys and vibrators. Pre-BD I would have been intimidated by that, but since BD I realize that being supportive of such things only enhances the chance that she will see the MR as something worth saving. I've also been more open about my open "self exploration" sexually which seems to have made her curious.

As has been documented I've used a mixture of DBing/DRing and what some would describe as pursuit. I came across another program that encouraged reconnecting by touch, talk, gift-giving, and a weekly date night. She was open to the latter through the MC we have attended. Since I WFH on Fridays, she was glad to go to a lunch date every Friday. We've only missed it once, and made up for it with a weeknight date night.

Since I was an absentee H for a few years prior to BD, I am wondering if the letting go, detaching (as bad as I've been at it) coupled with the touch, talk, gifts and dates had a cumulative factor. She seems much less secretive with her phone than she did a few weeks ago. She gave up a couple of the gaming apps that she used to chat with guys online. She did give up the singing app for a couple of days, but ended up going back to it with the intent of controlling her "flirting" in the messages side of the app.

The MR seems to be stronger than it has been in years. Maybe this is a farce and she is just making sure Plan B is firmly in place until Plan A comes along, since OM is now long gone. And OM2 she continued to insist was just a friend (I know they all say that, but a lot of their interaction was about his GF, and how crazy he was about her.) I've seen no evidence of an OM3 at this point. And all of this was through OEAs, since both of the guys were several states away.

I am trying to temper all this and not allow myself to get too hopeful that we've turned the corner. But 4 days in a row hasn't happened since we were dating. Further, she has other outlets for her fantasies (toys, etc). So it isn't like she needs me to act out her fantasies.

A lot of this is just stream of consciousness. I really haven't thought this hard about it all, as I've been enjoying the fact that suddenly she is so sexual. But before I just assume she is in another EA, I thought I might consider the possibility that it is just that her libido is off the chart due to hormones, and now that our MR is better than it was prior to BD she is now acting upon that libido with me.

[SteveLW]

She initiated again last night. Another 3 hours until 2am, knowing we both had to get up early this morning.

She is insatiable.

[MoveFrwd]

Its interesting that Sandi explained what shes seen many times and yet you still are clinging to the thought that she is all of a sudden reattracted to you.

Has there been other signs of 'turning a corner' outside of her higher sex drive?

To me, as long as she is still sitting on her phone for hours in the gaming apps you described, she is using you as a vessel for experiencing the physical fulfillment she cant get otherwise.

Just my read....I certainly hope Im wrong though.

[SteveLW]

Did you read my long post above? She gave up the gaming apps. She still sings on the karaoke app, but she has even cut back on that.

There are other signs. We went to 5 open houses on Sunday as a family. (Remember the house search I've mentioned?) She continues to find houses for us to consider. She also said something interesting to a friend from church last week. We were talking about a church marriage retreat we went to last month in Pigeon Forge, TN. We are both very much into remote vacation spots, and PF IS NOT IT! We both agreed the first night that this was not somewhere we'd come to vacation.

Anyway, she was telling this to a church friend, and she said "I mean obviously we'd go back next year for the marriage retreat, but never just to visit Pigeon Forge."

I mentioned that I was promoted at work. As part of that I can get 2 company vehicles. She is very excited at getting a new vehicle where it is unlimited mileage and all the maintenance is paid for.

So yes, there are other signs. Last night in bed she whispered in my ear "I love you". And she also has started open mouth kissing me again.

Are we completely out of the woods? I don't think so. But we are so much further down the line toward R than we were a month ago.

[SteveLW]

Amoafwl, I didn't mean for my post to sound defensive, so if it did I apologize. I realize that it looks like I am grasping, and maybe I am? But I just think there is progress here so I should continue doing what works.

[Gordie]

Steve,

All those are very good signs, particularly:

Talking about and planning a future with you.

Open mouth kissing (plus the sex).

Just be patient and keep expectations low.

Expect more twists and turns.

Good job not initiating R talks.

[SteveLW]

Steve,

All those are very good signs, particularly:

Talking about and planning a future with you.

Open mouth kissing (plus the sex).

Just be patient and keep expectations low.

Expect more twists and turns.

Good job not initiating R talks.

Thanks Gordie. And I get it, I still need to proceed with caution. But a month and a half ago she scoffed at looking at houses because it didn't fit her "I don't want to be married, I am getting my own apartment" pronouncement. So that is a big leap forward in my mind.

[AnotherStander]

So couple that with the fact that our MR was in the toilet. We were so disconnected and living separate lives that when she started experiencing this supercharged libido she turned externally thinking that there was no chance of us having any kind of real connection, and she couldn't "go there" sexually with me because of that.

On 12/26 I started making changes. I instituted a "let her go" approach, but at the same time became more attentive. I helped around the house more. I got more involved with family time. I did a lot of 180ing in relation to the MR.

I also started GAL things as well. I started exercising. I started hanging out with buddies more often.

Steve, those are all good things and you are seeing some nice signs, but please lower your expectations. You're getting some great advice here, especially from Sandi, but you are getting too caught up in a few good signs and thinking you've crossed the finish line when in fact you are probably not even a quarter of the way through the race yet. It's leading you to ignore what you are reading and assume (as so many before you have) that your sitch is different and the advice here is well-intentioned but doesn't apply to you. But it DOES apply, and if you don't heed the warnings then it will lead you to overreach and set yourself way back. Or get your hopes up only to be doubly crushed later. You are barely 3 months in, trust us, you have a long road ahead.

I did struggle with was initiating R discussions. Feeling her out. Seeing how she was feeling about things. Gauging whether or not any of my changes were having an impact. I also kept snooping. Checking her google account activity, browser history, and incoming and outgoing emails. I even asked to see her phone, made her log into things.

All super bad stuff.

It has been almost 3 weeks since my last R discussion initiation.

That's great but again, that's just a start. I PROMISE you that if you temp check her you're going to get slapped right back into the reality of your sitch, so don't do it!

I did fall off the no snooping train about a week and a half ago but found nothing that was alarming. (She may be just being more careful so I can't read anything into the lack of finding anything.) But still that seems to have had a big effect (not discussing the R) as she even expressed that as we interacted in a fun, light way she was getting more emotionally invested back into the MR.

Snooping and not finding anything doesn't mean she's now invested in the M, or even that she's not in an A for that matter. WAS's can be very, very sneaky. If they secretly find out they're being snooped on they can go deep undercover and leave the snooper with the impression that nothing is going on.

So there is part of me that thinks that this new found sexual energy between is because she is starting to feel more connected.

It doesn't sound like it. 3 hour sex marathons are not an expression of love, intimacy and connection. I tend to think (like Sandi mentioned) that it's some change-of-life thing for her and you are convenient to her.

By the way my XW told our MC that she really enjoyed sex and wanted to continue having it, and we did right up until she moved out. Yup, I can tell you from personal experience that a WAS can absolutely enjoy frequent sex with her STBXH without it meaning a thing.

[SteveLW]

TY AnotherStander. Good perspective on things here. I appreciate you sharing your experience with sex in your MR even up to the when she moved out. I am not assuming that we are out of the woods, or have crossed the finish line. Not be a longshot. I realize it is very very uncommon for a WW/WAS to reverse course so quickly. Even if I had, as a suspect, caught my W's waywardness very early on.

I think it is safe to say that my changes have started to net benefits. Even with her raging libido related to perimenopause and/or MLC, whatever is causing it, she had no desire to have it with me as of 12/23/17. We had sex for the first time in months in February, and then March has been as if she can't get enough.

But even with the positive changes I am still on guard and resolved to do what I have been doing but with more consistency without doing the bad stuff (temp checking, initiating R talks, snooping, etc).

The fact that she is starting to come around with even being better with housework (though that comes and goes) and with spending time together (back in January she had no desire to spend time together). On and on. We are in a much better place today than we were 3 months ago. But again, we were on the edge of the abyss 3 months ago, today we have walked about 3 steps away from the edge. That is a long way from still from the road to recovery.

But I am enjoying this sexual reawakening!