One clarification, on the house hunting. My wife's credit is screwed up, so the house will only be in my name. I can afford it, so it isn't a big deal even if she decides to leave at some point.
We looked at one yesterday that I would be wanting to buy even if she were already gone!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Slow down and think this through. I can't come up with any scenario where it makes sense to buy a new house with this woman at this time, even if she's not on the deed and even if you can afford it on your own. Not being on the deed doesn't necessarily mean she can't claim half of the equity value on her way out the door. And could you still afford it if she took half of everything else that you own (think half the furniture, half your cash savings, (possibly) half your retirement, and on and on; what if you have to pay child support and alimony for some number of years? Would the house be a good one for you if you are in it all by yourself at least half the time, or would it be a lonely place until your D14 came for her visitation?
I think you're hoping that her apparent interest in buying a house indicates she wants to reconcile and go the distance in your marriage. It does not mean that, unfortunately.
I guess it isn't specifically stated in Sandi's Rules that you shouldn't buy a new house with a wayward spouse, but I kind of think maybe she thought that was so obvious it wouldn't need to be said.
I was a big pursuit guy, too, so don't think I'm judging you. Just hoping you see the light before having to go down a bunch more painful, cheese-less tunnels (like I did).
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
W and I bought a new house (a dream house and perfect for the kids; also our first home together). She blew it all up in six months after buying the house. Had to sell the house and it shattered everything. It was devastating for me that she did this.
The house is a log cabin on a big plot of land. With a pond and river on it. So yes, I could be happy here. I am a hunter and love being in the outdoors, so actually this house would be perfect if she up and left. Luckily I am in a financial position that I can afford it even if she takes half of everything.
Yes I am hoping we move into full blown R, and the MR is restored. But if not, at least I will be able to go out on my own property and get into the woods to unwind.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Slow down and think this through. I can't come up with any scenario where it makes sense to buy a new house with this woman at this time, even if she's not on the deed and even if you can afford it on your own. Not being on the deed doesn't necessarily mean she can't claim half of the equity value on her way out the door. And could you still afford it if she took half of everything else that you own (think half the furniture, half your cash savings, (possibly) half your retirement, and on and on; what if you have to pay child support and alimony for some number of years? Would the house be a good one for you if you are in it all by yourself at least half the time, or would it be a lonely place until your D14 came for her visitation?
Lots of good thoughts here ^^^^
Since it's a marital asset, she will be entitled to half, whether she's on the deed or not.
All that being said, if you will be able to afford it (AFTER ALIMONY AND CHILD SUPPORT), and you want it for YOU, then go for it.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
So after over 24 hours of adhering to sandi's rules I was in our master bedroom reading for about a hour and a half.
My wife came I and playfully asked me why I wasn't with her in the family room. I told her it was dark in there for reading but that I was about to stop reading and I'd come back out there. She then came over and have me a smooch. Still not an oddly passionate kiss, but still nice.
It is amazing how when you pull back emotionally then they'll come towards you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey everyone. Is it normal to start seriously questioning of I want to save my marriage. The last few days I've started thinking maybe I want a divorce. It's odd because for the last three months I've wanted nothing more than to save my marriage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I don't know the answer to that. My husband has done many bad things but I worked to save the marriage up until he temporarily stopped sending financial support in January, at which point I called a lawyer and then called him to ask if he wants a divorce. Before that we had never discussed divorce. He said yes, he wants a divorce, then I regretted ever saying that word because I didn't want one. Currently I feel like I *should* want a divorce but I still don't, not that I think the marriage will be fixed, but because going through the process still seems so overwhelming.
I don't know. It seems you're entering a new phase in the DB process. Advice from those who are further along would be more valuable than mine, but I still believe it's worth trying to save a marriage unless your spouse exhibits totally wreckless, abusive, serial-cheating behavior.
