Hi everyone, Recently my husband told me he didn't love me anymore but he cared for me and wants a divorce. He's taken off his ring already and says that he was approved for an apartment. Meanwhile he's barely packed and comes home from work and act cautious when I'm cooking dinner and waits til I offer an extra plate.
There is a LOT to his story regarding grief of lost loved ones, stress, he had an EA. Hes in a very bad place and acts like he doesn't know what he wants. I can get into later but for now, I've been being casual, not chasing him, being polite and going to bed on a nice note before he turns in on the couch. Should I be offering him dinner with me and our son, doing his laundry while I do ours, etc or stop all of that stuff to give him his space. I'm just confused on what exactly I shouldn't be doing besides chasing him.
Thanks!
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I don't know if there are any real rights or wrongs in these situations. If someone wants to be with you and work on a marriage they will, regardless of whether you do laundry or not.
Right now what you need to focus on is you and your child. The only factors you really have control or influence over. I know you don't want to hear this, but just work in your best self interests. Be smart. Talk to an attorney.
Don't project your beliefs onto him..."he is grieving, he is depressed, he has foo issues " that's just a waste of time. And usually ends up being our own false belief systems and not indicative in any way of what they are really thinking.
Take it day by day. Lots of self care. And give your little one lots of attention.
Welcome jlh. Sorry you are here but you came to the right place with lots of awesome folks that can help you. Your initial post is a little light on details. You may want to respond with a detailed post of your sitch and as much context as you can.
Welcome, and read Cadet's links. There is gold in those links.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi everyone, thank you for the replies, I appreciate it. I have a headache I'm trying to shake right now so I'll get into details later but I'm confused on how to do the detached thing. We still live in the house together but should I be avoiding him or just being cordial yet distant. He came home and told me about his day and we're all in the living room together but I'm at a loss as to what to do really. I'm going to the bookstore to look for the recommended reading above to help me, but right now I'm just having a low day.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Hi everyone, thank you for the replies, I appreciate it. I have a headache I'm trying to shake right now so I'll get into details later but I'm confused on how to do the detached thing. We still live in the house together but should I be avoiding him or just being cordial yet distant. He came home and told me about his day and we're all in the living room together but I'm at a loss as to what to do really. I'm going to the bookstore to look for the recommended reading above to help me, but right now I'm just having a low day.
The best advice on this is from Sandi: treat him like you would treat a cashier at the store. You'd be polite, listen but wouldn't be overly sharing and open with them. Read Cadets link on detachment. Most of us misunderstand in the beginning.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi everyone, I'm sorry for the delay in explaining my story, it's been a confusing few days here.
My husband is 45 and I'm 39. We have a son on the autism spectrum and his dad passed when I was pregnant. Recently he lost his brother to cancer about six months ago and he's been taking over as the family caregiver for his mom and niece and nephew, on top of me and my son. Its been hard on him but he stays quiet about everything bothering him.
He had been acting distant more and more in the past few months until I sat him down and told him I wanted to talk about his attitude and behavior. He told me it was hard to get out and he started sobbing and said he loved me but wasn't in love with me. I was gutted and asked what happened and he said he cant pinpoint anything specific he just doesn't love me.
I was a mess crying and sobbing and trying to get him to talk to me which seemed to push him farther away and anger him. I said we should see someone together to discuss this and see what happened and he said there was no need and his mind was made up which made me more depressed.
Two days later he called me and said he wanted to talk to me and told me that he had had an emotional affair with a woman he had a harmless friendship with in the past. he says he had an addiction to written porn fantasies and she was one of the people who would write for him. He told me that he paid a lot of money for these stories and he was almost addicted to them for quite a while. After his brother died he told me he didn't care about anything and anyone and started sexting and talking more intimately to the woman.
After the talk he sobbed and said he is ashamed of his behavior he really did love me and he was trying to make me angry enough to leave HIM and hoped I could forgive him for his actions and we really wanted to try to make it work and he ended it with her. By the end of the week he was antsy and cranky and then later that week he cried to me saying he failed ME and that he is weak and called her. He told me if I love him I should let him go. Now while he's saying all of this he's sobbing and acting ashamed of himself.
After a few days he took his ring off but I still have mine on. I'm not ready to take it off yet and I still have our wedding photos up on the walls.
A few days after the ring came off he told me that he was approved for an apartment and was leaving. He moved out two days after that but has barely taken anything with him. he has no furniture there that I know of only an aerobed and his computer, etc.
The weekend he left he was at the house still hanging out with me and our son giving us both equal time. He was more attentive to our son while playing rather than texting on his phone the entire time, and he joined us for dinner all that week and the weekend. My son and I had a bad experience at a petting zoo and he felt bad and I caught him looking at me with worry many times and he smiled and offered to get us lunch to cheer us up. Again he stayed all day until our son's bedtime.
Everytime he visits he looks so bummed to leave and will have a sad thoughtful expression. I'm seeing a therapist now and more upbeat and learning to be happier and smile more. I was a very angry person before and I'm taking it slow but I'm becoming kinder and more cheerful like when we first dated and were married. When he looked sad I ask if he's alright and he says it feels so awkward to be leaving at night. I'm not sure how to reply to that so I just nod usually.
A few nights ago I was totally perplexed because I was cleaning and dusting and I realized that he had taken his favorite wedding photo of us from his bedside table. Ive looked all over for it and I cannot find it at all, I'm sure he must have taken it, but I'm not sure why if he claims to not in love with me anymore why he would want it.
The entire thing is just happening so fast regarding him leaving suddenly and taking his ring off. My therapist says he is acting like he felt trapped and I'm nervous to try to talk to him about the picture and whatnot for fear of spooking him.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Thank you for the tips! I had posted before but this time I posted in the newbie section to add my story, I wasn't sure where to put it so I just kept it in this section.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Thank you for the tips! I had posted before but this time I posted in the newbie section to add my story, I wasn't sure where to put it so I just kept it in this section.
Ah so I see, I have merged the two threads together, and deleted the extra post.
Just keep POSTING (on this thread) and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
