Yo! Passed 100 posts so here I go onto the next ...
My last thread took 7 months and I am finally starting thread 8! Couldn't think of a catchy title, but this should do just fine. My new 180? Not sweating the small stuff. So I didn't come here for a few days and now I find this exciting conversation happening! I will be back later and address all you fine folks right here, below. But feel free to continue or hijack.
For now, let me reintroduce myself. My name is Blu. I turn 40 this month. Gulp. This has led to a barrage of feelings about aging, and some acting out -- tattoos, changing the way I see my Rs, and well just read the title of my last thread -- and while some may call it a MLC, I don't believe in that! We are all accountable for our actions and choices in life, whatever your excuse may be, we are all accountable. No free passes or excuses! Period.
I consider myself a success story. And no, not because Mr Blu has been back for 3 years and done the stuff, but because I am willing to look at myself and change. I like who I am and my attitude about life more now. A couple posts lately have helped me understand my success further, but I will get to that in my next post. I need to go and do some GALs now.
I also have 3 awesome Ds (19, 13, 8) and they are all super rad. I am an ICU nurse and charge nurse in a poor, urban area, so I have devloped some thick skin over the years and can deal with ALL SORTS of craziness. And death. I am comfortable talking about death.
You might (or might not) be wondering why am I now sharing more than I have shared over the years? Well that is because I already know that I have been figured out. My H has found this site and my posts (although I really don't think he reads here). My H's X-OW's XH has read here. And I could give 2 chits if the crazy bish X-OW ever read here. I have nothing to hide, and she is a pitiful disaster, so I don't care what she could think regardless!
I'll be back later and jump into the awesome convo that started at the end of my last thread. Thanks for reading my story!
I have learned from you this is part of the process
Again
Thank you
I read your every post
And i have the utmost reapect for nurses
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hi Gordie, thanks for posting. You had a post that disappeared and I was wondering what you said. So your W has been back for 3 mos? I will def check out your threads.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
Your ex did some pretty sh!try stuff. And yes, he has turned around and made it right. But why are you taking on guilt for reacting to his sh!try behavior? Its natural. It's to be expected. You did nothing wrong. Having moments of anger or detachment is ok because its what you feel. So what if its been a while. If he's done the right thing. You are entitled to these feelings and they are due to his actions. His actions have consequences.
What I'm trying to say, is that you did Nothing wrong. Maybe start accepting yourself and your emotions that are natural.
jujuB, I really appreciate your perspective. Maybe I should clarify that my guilt does not stem from how I felt about his sh1tty behavior, but it is based on some of my own actions in response to the feelings. No doubt he was in the wrong and was for a long time. However, in the last 3 years he has been transparent, remorseful and committed to making it work. I have wavered in my own commitment. I have not spoken much about it here, but I have been selfish and dishonest in more than one way. I am not proud of some of the things that I have done. Am I justified in this because they were in response to a sitch that he created? Maybe. But what I am coming to understand is that it doesn't really matter. I don't feel good about some of the things that I have done or about the impact it has had on him and our M.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blue's situation is one which we all thought we wanted...and God knows I credit her h for being one of those rarely seen unicorns who screws up and gets it! AND wants to do the work to undo as much as he can and rebuild what they can!
I wanted that but I mistook x's self pity and missing us, as true remorse and self awareness, which it was not.
Knowing that Blues case is the best case scenario is what newbies must realize. And without a long shared history and kids, and the type of h she has, - who won't flinch when reminded of her pain - I'm not sure many would want to do it.
Just my .02
25, thank you. I think you are right. It is hard for me to say that I am grateful for him because of what happened, but I do feel grateful for what he has done in the last 3 years. It is not just because he has been loving and accountable for the mess that happened, but because he has learned from it and changed moving forward. I can confidently say now, that I would not want our M the way that it was pre-BD. There wasn't this ugly history or A then, but something essential was missing.
Lately, my positive feelings about my M are in the little day to day things. For example, we had a text convo about our youngest D sitting in the front seat given her size, her age, the law, and our inconsistencies. I just know this same convo 5 years ago would have been different. We both would become easily frustrated, not hear the other, and it could soon become more about being right than listening and being considerate of the other's POV. I recall many disagreements like this and my frustrations. I would leave the convo feeling annoyed, as if dealing with a stubborn teenager. Now, I feel as if he is listening and wants to compromise. The natural consequence is that i want to lighten up a bit and compromise too. I feel a shift inside. I find myself feeling less controlling. It seems like a slow progress, but the progress feels real.
... Several of you went on to talk about being a doormat, what it means to have "badness," and why we cling. Well I can tell you guys that I struggled with all of that too. My perspective is simple and the same (which is why I started posting here). You cannot save your M until you save yourself. That cannot happen until you LET THEM GO -- no doormat, no clingy, and no pathetic neediness -- because no one will be attracted to you in that state, and more importantly you cannot heal and feel good about yourself like that either.
And you know what else? My H was bad too; he was bad, chitty, wayward, and selfish and all the stuff. But he was not mean, abusive, cruel or neglectful. I stayed in the home with our kids, he saw them daily, he paid half the bills, and he never wanted to hurt us. There are some things that are just too far to recover from and fortunately he did not cross those lines. I deserve better than that and so do our kids. I think a lot of posters here have an ex that has simply gone too far past recovery.
Lastly, when he came back he presented a man that was changing and willing to change. You guys really don't want your ex as they are -- lying, cheating, manipulating or running away -- and if you do want them that way, then you need to stop and ask yourself why. What are you worth? And what do you want your kids to see you are worth?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
When someone cheats in a relationship they do so much damage on so many levels. The person cheated on is left to deal with feelings of anger, guilt, betrayal, doubt. Oh god. The list goes on and on. To me, it is the worst thing one can do to their partner. Cheating really hits ones self esteem in so many ways.
I understand you might not be proud of your reactions to the number 1 ultimate betrayal. None of us are.
I wish i had the chance to dish back some selfishness and dishonesty as opposed to the begging, and rationalizing and appeasing I did. Now thats cringe worthy.
Not being completely committed to soneone that broke their committment to you is something you should not waste your time feeling guilty about. the two of them are not in the same category.
Just move forward in a way that will make you feel good about yourself.
Blu, I think you have to cut yourself a break for being human. I'd wager there is not a single one of us that doesn't have regrets about some of the behaviors and choices we engaged in while going through this journey. DB might come with an instruction manual but real life does not. Everyone does the best they can with what they have at the moment. The important thing is to learn and grow and not to get stuck there...which you have. I'd call you a phenomenal success story.
If you had not kicked back in the way you had then I think H would still be WH. It is because you did react that it turned out the way it did.
So, if it were me then I would just say 'sure, I might have behaved differently but if I had then I might not be here'
And infidelity, being a f@ck wit cheater scumbag loser breaks trust and breaks an R or M. A new one has to start and atoning done. It's very rare for that to happen. The memory of that cheater pants will stay for a long time, that's a consequence of that Behaviour. If H is atoning and in a way you need him to then that still doesn't make his behaviour right. Its still entitled wassock stuff. So he has a lot to do for the rest of his life to become new H.
You be proud of your reaction, it worked!
And I am not going to say 'trust' or 'let him earn back your trust' because I don't think love and trust are inseparable. Nor complete. You may trust him on fins, driving the kids, to work, etc but may not be there on the cheating thing. It's not all or nothing to me. 12 steps taught me that the two can be separate. It is ok not to trust.
Or to forgive or forget. Your mind is protecting you from hurt by not forgetting.
I have only one thing, love you first (and kids). That's all life asks of you to take care of you.
And yes, it's a tough road.
My thoughts
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
"And I am not going to say 'trust' or 'let him earn back your trust' because I don't think love and trust are inseparable. Nor complete. You may trust him on fins, driving the kids, to work, etc but may not be there on the cheating thing. It's not all or nothing to me. 12 steps taught me that the two can be separate. It is ok not to trust.
Or to forgive or forget. Your mind is protecting you from hurt by not forgetting.
I have only one thing, love you first (and kids). That's all life asks of you to take care of you.
These are all valid points. Thank you for that. I am trying not to waste time on feeling guilty, as I don't believe it is a productive emotion. One thing I am getting better at is seeing myself less as a victim and more accountable for my own choices, even if they are in response to the fallout of our sitch. I can't dwell on the poor choices that I am not proud of, but I do feel stronger and more motivated to make better ones. I think enough time has gone by now that the triggers no longer rattle me and derail my thinking. I acknowledge them, allow the feelings briefly, and then move on. I just needed time to get here.
I recall reading here 4 years ago that this was a marathon and not a sprint and that makes sense to me now. In hindsight, so much of the way things unfolded makes sense to me now. I couldn't see it clearly while it was happening. All of this just takes time. I recall in the beginning that I would try and follow Sandi's rules and reread them every day. I failed often. I kept trying to evaluate if they were having an affect but couldn't. The reality is that they did have a huge effect! I just wasn't equipped with a measuring stick. It also took time for the cumulative affect to finally break the camels back.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu - what specifically do you think had a cumulative effect from Sandi's rules? I don't mean like rule # 3 or #4, but in general. What do you think made him turn around? You might've answered this at some point, but I don't remember.
I know that by asking this question, there will be a massive rush of people thinking that there was some specific thing that you did that turned things around - newbies, don't get sucked like that. We all know this is complex and not one specific thing might've made the difference.
I am curious because you're right, there is no measuring stick right now that can provide answers in the moment.
