A year ago out of nowhere W gave me a shocking BD - she has been unhappy for YEARS, and she wanted a separation, and a divorce. We had bought our first home together six months back. A perfect home for our kids and us. Everything that we had dreamed of. We were both in good jobs and first time in our MR it seemed that we were going to be stable.
W started a new grad program which is very high energy with a lotta new people. She got very close to a guy who was also going through some MR troubles and had an EA - even though I don't think she recognizes it as such, it was definitely that. He made a move on her and kissed her, which she apparently rebuffed. Couple of other things that happened gave me a pause to actually believing that story.
We sold the house and moved into two places. She got a place right away and I stayed in the MR home till closing - which was hell. Kids were ripped apart. We agreed to 50/50 split. I was devastated. W gave me the same old story as we see here.
I started IC right away and GALing. Picked up climbing, started working out, and getting healthy.
It's a year from that event, and you can read my full journey in the threads above. I had a lot of falls, but I picked myself up. I temp checked W a few months after BD and it gave me clarity to as to what to do next, but it destroyed me in the process too - she flat out told me that there was no second chance and this was permanent.
I honestly know feel that I am emotionally and mentally stronger and grounded. I did not pursue, and focused on myself. I am not out of the woods by any means, but I am here standing tall with my integrity intact. I did not date as it seemed very premature and I am still not ready for that.
D is going to happen because I am going to file - not because I am giving up, but I am in a place where I know what I need from a partner and she doesn't bring that to the table as of now. She has also shown no sign of turning the ship around. I can file after end of June, and I will decide how to go about it then.
In the meantime, I also got two tats and getting inked again this week, with plans to complete my sleeve by the end of the year. I am looking good, and more importantly, feeling awesome and ladies have noticed. So, I know I am going to be more than good.
This will most likely be my last thread here. I will stay on to share my insights with noobs as needed.
Thanks again for everything to everyone. You folks saved my life.
you are a legend. Your story is the framework around which i build my plans to handle my sitch. I know there are dozens of newbies here for follow your lead. Myself among them.
Thanks for all your sharing and contribution.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Good on you M, it is crazy how far we have come. I feel like we are old timers and how much support we have given each other along the way. It has been invaluable and I agree saved me from myself. Some times I feel it is hard to comment any more in any capacity. It's hard emotionally.
I am just amazed at your fortitude LH - you being able to DB and just move on with life with your W basically still in your life like an-almost-wife, with the extracurricular activities to boot. I don't know how you did it man.
One of the creeds I live by now is based on what is in my signature. You have to let people come in go in your life as they please.
Also as we have discussed, I am never ever again going to try to convince someone to stay with me.
She is a big girl who can make her own decisions. Time will tell if it was the right one.
OrangeK - Thanks for the kind words. If my journey can shed some light to others, I am more than happy that I could provide some insight from my falls and successes. Keep it up! When I started, people told me that there was light at the end of the tunnel, but I didn't trust it. After a year, I know that the sun is shining bright for me and all I say to others is that - trust the process for yourself and put in the work, there will be redemption for you, and much much more. It is hard to see that in the beginning and I fully understand that, but accepting the pain and going through it is the best way. It is hella rough, don't get me wrong, but it is the most rewarding because it gives you no choice but to grow.
J9 - I know we've come a long way. We came on the boards about the same time and you have truly been a brother to me along this journey. Yeah, I am going to take a step back in commenting for a bit - Blu's latest thread explains how she feels about it now and I kinda feel the same. There are amazing people here still and hopefully the newbies also do what we did - dig up past threads and read up.
LH - yeh, your signature is what I am embodying in my life too. Your W is a big girl and hopefully she can live with her decision in the long term. You sound like you're more than fine and embracing life fully - major kudos.
Vanilla - thanks for the update on the goals. I will go and take a look back and reprioritize some stuff. I also have so many things I want to do and I don't have the time for everything. But, breaking things into bite sized chunks will be helpful. I don't need to achieve everything by 2018 - but I want to get good at a few things and I have to map it out. I want to invest in myself and that takes some time. I think I am in a better place now emotionally and mentally to focus on it. Before it was just too much wallowing in my victimhood and all of that. That's why the D will be a good step in closing things for me and getting that fresh start. I haven't been living in limbo or anything, but there needs to be some finality to this chapter as I am slowly coming into myself as my own person and shedding the husband identity.
Life is exciting and I am looking forward to mapping out what I want to do and then committing to the process.
You've grown a tremendous amount in a year Maika! I think it took me longer to get to where you are, more like 1-1/2 to 2 years. Of course it's different for every person, but a year is still an impressive turnaround!
Do you have a theme going for your sleeve? I've been fascinated with tattoos my whole life, always wanted them but didn't think it was appropriate for a white collar family man. After S and D my whole outlook changed, I didn't care about what was "appropriate" anymore, LOL! I think I've mentioned it before but I've got an arm sleeve and leg sleeve, would have more if it wasn't so darned expensive to get high quality work. And while I thought my kids would think it was weird or embarrassing, they actually love it. If they hear someone comment on it they'll stop me so I can show the person or tell them about it. It's been pretty fun!
Thanks V - that's a really good perspective to take on the D. I'll add that in.
AS - honestly, I am a bit surprised where I am at right now. I didn't think I would be here emotionally and mentally. Yes, I put in the work but a lot of credit goes to folks like you who kept me honest and gave me the necessary 2x4s. Your insight into the WAS fog vs. the LBS fog was such a bit A-HA moment for me, and it really helped me clear my thinking and beating myself over and over again - I had over-amplified my faults and minimized hers and put her on a pedestal. As soon as I got through that, my fog started lifting and I could see more clearly.
Yeh, I have an animal theme going on for my sleeve. I know exactly what I want to complete the sleeve, but I need to work with a good artist to bring it to life. I am not in a rush, but if I can get it done by the end of this year, that would be great - need to save cash lol. The animals represent very pivotal moments in my life and I have a deep connection to them, so it's a perfect theme. I will have the artist fill out the rest with the same theme that go around the animals.
I got two small tats done and I am getting a medium one done this week. I had planned this progression and after this one's done, I will take a break for a few months while I find the right artist and then start with the sleeve.
All in all, life is great. I plan to prioritize some of my goals and start planning how I will be investing in myself and skills to move ahead in life personally, but also professionally. I have so much I want to do and I aim to fill up my time with all of these things that bring me joy and a sense of satisfaction. I am honestly excited for my life and what I trust I can accomplish.
I look forward to my next long term relationship with a spectacular woman as well. I know she's out there and when I am ready to plunge in the dating pool, I will take that step. I am in no rush.
Maika, this is the first time I have commented on your thread but I have followed your sitch from the begining. I came here about the same time as you and I have seen the unbelievable growth you have made, it has also helped me as you were asking the same questions I was. You and J9 are people I would love to meet and have a beer.
No doubt a great life is waiting for you!!
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
BH - I didn't realize you've been here as long and I Just looked at your registration date. Yeh wow!
Oh man! What would I give to just hang with some peeps from here and share our battle scars and successes over a few drinks. I wish there was a DB conference where we could all meet with special sessions by folks like Sandi, Vanilla, AS, 25 etc etc.
I hope that you're doing well and that your journey is yielding growth and calmness for you. This $hit ain't easy, but we're here as living testaments to coming out at the other end and not just surviving, but thriving in life.
Maika, congrats on your 1-year BD anniversary (or perhaps congrats aren't appropriate since this is a divorce busting site), but you know what I mean.
I remember your big temperature check at the 3 or 4 month mark. I appreciated that a lot at the time because I was tempted to do the same but never had the kahonias that you did largely because I fully expected to receive the same reaction....dead certainty (but now having given her the satisfaction of knowing that you were still holding out hope, still a plan B as they say around here). Whatever, at least you knew at the time...and perhaps still know...and will never again give her that same satisfaction. Perhaps now, 12+ months in, she wonders.
Anyways, keep on keeping on my man and maybe one day you will watch as she comes to you and maybe, just maybe, she might get lucky and you'll give her another chance.
Ever wonder though why after over a year she still isn't dating?? I do in my sitch, because my ex is still not with another dude by all accounts...after 2+ years...which doesn't make sense to me given how desperate she was to get out...
Keep at it. You have inspired me so much. I ll start wall climbing too with my daughter. Went to test it alone and it is cool! Thanks for that.
Regardless of your possible upcoming D, please do not stop to visit this site and update. I wish we could PM contact details so we could stay in touch as a few of you seem like real friends to me now.
Originally Posted By: slater
Ever wonder though why after over a year she still isn't dating?? I do in my sitch, because my ex is still not with another dude by all accounts...after 2+ years...which doesn t make sense to me given how desperate she was to get out...
Originally Posted By: lcause
M,
Keep at it. You have inspired me so much. I ll start wall climbing too with my daughter. Went to test it alone and it s cool! Thanks for that.
Regardless of your possible upcoming D, please do not stop to visit this site and update. I wish we could PM contact details so we could stay in touch as a few of you seem like real friends to me now.
Well, I would have preferred that. I dont think my XW s fast schedule was good for my children and the relationship between me and my son who is 1 AND A HALF years old now. I mean, OM practically lived with them three months after I moved out and officially one month ( 7 months after BD) after the divorce was complete.
Why wonder something that is not your business? Steer away your thoughts.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/14/1811:24 PM. Reason: restored post
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Thanks Slater, LC, and Neffer.... yeh, I am not disappearing by any means, but I probably won't be posting in my thread unless there's a good update.
That temp check with W was quite something lol.. just after 3 months of BD... but, I got my answer and then I didn't waver from DBing... if she thinks for any reason I am plan B, she's in la la land and going to get a rude awakening...
I am great and loving things and making calculated moves to improve my life...
Where can we read about this the epic temperature check? I would love to gain that knowledge.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Haha... oh man! so many little things happened that had complicated my BD journey... the wine, the sex night, and me staying over her place for a whole week... lol...
Nah, this was the time when my hand kinda got forced and I temp checked her... I was discussing it here about whether I should do it or not and if that was against DB. But, then I got in a spot where I had to do it. Let me summarize it here so folks don't have to go fishing... but the original posts probably give you a good idea of my state of mind at that time...
After the night we had sex, I started carrying protection in my backpack - in case it happened again. The first time it was spontaneous and I didn't have protection. Anyways, she came over for dinner and my backpack was open and she saw them and accused me of sleeping around and I shouldn't invite her to dinner if I was messing around. So, now that wasn't the case and I didn't get a chance to explain cuz kids were around and we were just about to eat.
So after dinner I went over to her place and poured my heart out. I didn't know where she stood and what we were planning on doing during the separation - are we taking time apart? are we going to MC? or is it done?
After my long monologue, she basically shut me down. Her exact words were - "this separation is permanent". And then she said some other minor stuff, but basically she completely closed everything. She said that she had me over to sleep for that week so that I wouldn't get isolated abruptly - which was bull$hit because the day I stopped, she got super cold and asked me point blank if I was sleeping over. She didn't like that I stopped that. I told her that it was hella confusing for her to do that and it was giving mixed signals.
Anyways, that was the epic showdown in a nutshell. All the ambiguity that I was dealing with because of her crumbs and cake-eating had me in a mental loop. But this absolutely cleared it and I told her that I am taking her at her word and I wont' be looking for subtext or reading between the lines.
Finished my glass of wine in one gulp and left. I have not looked back since. I DB'd my heart out because I needed for me - no pursuing, no contact as much as possible, and going dark.
She never followed up on family dinners or anything together with the kids. At one point I thought of swallowing my pride and ask her out to things with the kids, and go ahead and do it even if she said no. I remember talking with Slater about it and he gave his perspective on that. The problem was that I didn't have anything to talk to her about. How do you go from complete separation to hanging out? I don't have it in me to do small talk and I had no interest in knowing about her grad program - that for me is the core of what started this. She cut me out of that part of her life and I had no interest in finding more about it.
Can't say if I had swallowed my pride and done stuff with her that maybe there was a chance to save the MR. I highly doubt it. I decided to do what was comfortable for me and I wasn't going to put myself in stressful situations. That would've been emotionally and mentally stressful and I was trying to get to a place of peace and zen.
I stand by my decision because I know it helped me immensely to have the space and not knowing what she's doing. I could focus on myself and sort things out.
So yeh, that was the epic temp check showdown. That's why if she thinks I am waiting in the wings, she is in for a shock. I have not done anything that would indicate that after this temp check.
Most importantly, I am at peace with myself. I know I did what I could do to save the MR. She didn't bite and want to put in the work. That's on her. It was solely her decision. I gave her a huge chance. She also had time for months after that to turn the ship around - she didn't.
I did what I could for the MR, and I did everything for me as well. The former is gone, but I am hella good and in better shape than ever - mentally, emotionally, and physically.
At the same time it sounds like you drew a lot of strength from not having to worry about that anymore and leaving the state of limbo. Part of me longs for that day. I am getting stronger and detaching, but it is so much harder to do while I am still clinging to the embers of a distant hope of rekindling the MR. Did you feel an immediate relief, or was it more gradual?
Good on you. And thanks for continuing to hang around here and offer your words of wisdom to the rest of us newbies.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Yeh pretty brutal, but it was the level of risk that I was willing to take. I knew that I couldn't live in ambiguity and just go with the flow. I needed to know more about her state of mind at that time point so that I could figure out what I needed to do myself.
I think it's okay to have some hope tucked away in your heart. It can be helpful in the sense that you can gauge your actions a little bit and not do things to harm a potential recon. However, that hope has to be tucked away deep and there is no reason to bring it out unless the process for recon does start to happen. If you keep it out, then it can hinder your ability to focus on yourself and detach because you're kinda pining away for a reality that might not come around. Also you keep fetishizing the past and the MR, which also doesn't help.
But as you get stronger and bolder and more detached, the impact of that hope lessens because you have reached new levels of growth for yourself and things weren't as rosy as you had previously pictured.
In terms of relief - nah, i didn't feel any relief right away. I was pretty crushed and devastated for a little bit. But, then the relief came because I had no excuse but to focus on myself. I had no other road to follow. And then the burden came off my shoulders coupled with realizing that she was also equally at fault for the demise of the MR.
With what I have learned so far, I think it's best that newbies just move towards focusing on themselves and self-care. It's hard to do in the beginning because you're just so consumed by pain and devastation, but if you can make quicker moves towards focusing on yourself and letting go of the partner, the better your timeline of healing will be.
I didn't truly start on my healing path until that temp check happened, and even then it took me some time to rise from being crushed. I wish I had trusted the DB process more from the beginning and not taken crumbs from her as positive signs. I know it's easier said than done in hindsight because emotions were all over the map. But trust the DB process for yourself if you can right away - it will truly empower you.
Once I took accountability, I was empowered and felt I could change things for myself and I wasn't just going to stay as a victim to life's circumstances.
I'm around and if I can help in any way I will. Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best. I will be following your thread.
Oh man! What would I give to just hang with some peeps from here and share our battle scars and successes over a few drinks. I wish there was a DB conference where we could all meet with special sessions by folks like Sandi, Vanilla, AS, 25 etc etc.
We actually had a FB group going for a while (this was maybe 3 years ago) where people could coordinate that. I was using an alternate ID with my profile here as the "name" and after several months FB closed my account (apparently it's against the rules to have more than one account). I've since tried to find it again but don't see it anymore!
Look for "The DB Society" on FB. It's set to "closed", so you have to request to join. After people have a chance to join I'll change it to "private" so no one can see it except members.
I told her that it was hella confusing for her to do that and it was giving mixed signals.
Anyways, that was the epic showdown in a nutshell. All the ambiguity that I was dealing with because of her crumbs and cake-eating had me in a mental loop. But this absolutely cleared it and I told her that I am taking her at her word and I wont' be looking for subtext or reading between the lines.
I know this is a recap of an old update, but I was not around for the original post. This confusing limbo seems to be a common theme. After being away for each other for a few months after BD (but still fairly reg communication and in person contact due to business) she came back to our house to help with a yard sale. She spent the weekend and although there was no romance, we had a great time. The final day she was here, so started talking about thinking about moving back in and maybe even buying a different house for us to start over in. The very next day she 180'ed and said she was finally starting to heal away from me and she did not want to give me false hope. There were certainly times that I read in to things more than I should have and gave myself false hope, but to tell someone you are thinking of moving back in and even buying a house, that is beyond false hope.
Anyway, I am glad to hear it sounds like you are coming through on the other side and I feel your pain for it being confusing.
Me: 28 W: 28 No Kids Together: 10 years Married: 3 years ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17 She moved out: 11/15/17
haha yehh.. she asked me to sleep over at her place for an entire week like we were husband and wife... practically naked.. anyways, that meant nothing apparently... what a blood trip!
Thanks J9 - we travelled together on our paths and all the ups and the downs. Thanks so much for being on this journey with me. I didn't feel like I was alone and that meant a lot. I have moved from a dark place to the bright lights and didn't think that was gonna happen in the early days. I am equally proud of you and where you've come and that next lady is gonna be hella lucky.
Got my medium sized tat done. It's awesome and I am super happy with it. Just wanted to come let y'all know. The ups are as important as down. The tat is my most fav verse of poem in my language designed in a calligraphic style. It looks insanely good
btw I am considering a small wrist tattoo myself (would be the 1st) with my own private mantra in another language. I just worry that I am being overly dramatic.
Also, you are a damn inspiration on here for sure. Thanks for sticking around for all of us fools.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Sorry Davide but if I say which language, too much info about me will be on here. There's already enough for someone who knows me well to recognize it's me if they ever stumble upon here.
Get a tattoo for yourself. It's there permanently. If you think it's too much, then wait. There's no rush. Don't get it for anyone else.
Yeh I am around to share my perspectives when it makes sense. If you can learn anything from my journey, that's great.
Lone - thanks! I don't know your sitch but when I get a chance I'll catch up. Lots to learn from this community and it truly helped me.
Alright... kicked the smoking... AGAIN! It's been a few days and I felt like crap, but I welcomed the pain and discomfort and I am mostly over it.
Rehauled my goals, thanks to V's latest advice, and moving back on track. I put a new habit app on my phone called HabitBull and it's really awesome. Motivating to record my daily goals and also plan for long term ones. It's good to see the goal streaks and knocking them down one by one daily.
W is sending random texts here and there - pretty much kids stuff. I've decided to be more cordial and I'll respond to them. I don't think any of it means anything, but I am also seeing if she texts more than that - nothing so far.
All good in the hood though. No change in game plan. Still charting forward. Spent some time with friends last night and that was fun.
Had my D hearing today Makia, i feel great. I think ill be posting much like yours have been pretty darn soon. Honestly the completion of D is something to look forward to now.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Yeh I just read your update. Glad to see it went well and that you're feeling great. Looks like you're also working the immediate anger out of your system - kudos.
I know this will take some time, but look forward to see your updates as you get through this and get the D done.
Hi Maika, just caught up with your updates and good to know you are doing so well. You are truly an inspiration to the newbies like me who are still trying to find their ground. Hope you continue guiding us all.
Thanks arsh! Yeh, it's been a long road and I am way better than I imagined back in the day. Just put in the work for yourself and you'll come out at the end of the tunnel with a more stable and better you. If you get more inspiration and guidance from my journey, I am so happy to oblige. Keep on keeping! Hope your lil ones are good.
Thanks neffer! I am looking forward to reading your story.
Yes, I am unbelievably happy than I was for years. My parenting game is on a new level now and my children are just such a joy and I am loving every second with them.
Just a new initiative - I've always had a hard time waking up early, but I am going to start next week. I want to join the 5AM club. I planned out my daily schedule around that and looking forward to achieving my goals in bite sized chunks. I wrote out everything I want to do and am phasing it in over next six months, with priority items first. And then adding one thing every month and seeing how it goes. Man, there aren't enough hours in the day lol.
I am committing to the process and the outcomes will come.
Good update!!! As depressing as it was to get the BD from the XW having her tell me I was a terrible dad and that the kids most likely didn't want to be with me(script?) I refocused on my kids and lately they have been telling me they don't want to go to moms because she doesn't pay any attention to them! I am in such a good place with my kids.
Good luck on the 5am club! It's a struggle, I get to the gym at 5 on the days my kids are with me to spend more time with them after work. It's tough on me but worth it for them.
Need to work on my goals after reading your update! I feel like I'm off the tracks a bit with mine. Keep it up.
I hear you about more time with the kids. That's why I want to move to the 5AM club, so I can work out right away in the morning and have more quality time with them in the evening. I also realized that I am way more tired in the evening and I just didn't have it in me to workout after kids went to bed.
About the goals, Vanilla gave me some great pointers back in my previous thread. I basically made a list of all the goals I wanted to accomplish in life. And then I prioritized them and figured out which ones I wanted to tackle first. The other ones I decided to start phasing in after 3 months of being consistent with the first set of goals.
So for example, my main goals right now are consistent workout, consistent climbing, reading/writing and meeting my diet. I want to do that for 3 months, and then start adding more - the first one will be to start playing my instrument regularly. Once I phase that in with my other goals already consistently set, then I will give it one month with the new schedule. And then a month after that I will phase in the next goal.
This way I can adjust my schedule and see how it works and give it time to set. I know I can't do everything all at once, but this gives me a good timeline until end of 2018 where I want to be with my goals.
And then start planning for 2019.
I am trying to be systematic, but flexible and not overwhelm myself with everything. So, for example, one of my goals is to learn basic woodworking skills. I want to take a course and then maybe integrate that to something i do once every two weeks and take on a long term project. It's not urgent, so I can phase it in over time once the rest of my most important and immediate goals are set.
Also, making goals bite sized and committing to the process rather than the outcome. I know that the outcomes will come as long as I put in the process and then tweak things along the way.
A side effect of this is I feel so empowered as I can totally control the stuff that I want to achieve as I am putting it in a process that is not unreasonable.
It's always really helpful to read Benito's thread. I feel like sometimes I lose my way and my mind goes on autopilot. There's some really good 2x4s in there and explanations that really flesh out the nuances of the DBing approach, especially in relation to WAWs.
Reading his thread again, and I've read that thread so many times, made me self-reflect a little more today. Sometimes I forget to purposefully create those reflective spaces. I am very good at doing that to see how I am feeling and what I am doing with my kids, but I still need to be more purposeful with myself.
Reading his thread again this morning as I recommended it to another poster and also bumped it up for newbies to read, I realized that my anger is not at the level of slow burn that I want it to be. That my actions still have a strong tinge of anger behind it, which is not allowing me to be more free and mindful of my actions when it comes to W.
I see that my NC/dark and even the small interactions i have with her in person are propelled a little bit more by spite than detachment. I am sure that it probably shows.
So, I have work to do on my end still with the anger and with the ego. And living my life fully and trusting myself.
Reading his thread has given me more food for thought and achieving a genuine manifestation of my personality and putting my improvements and changes through good rigor for myself, not because I think that it will turn anything around. I know that I wasn't doing anything for her, but with my actions colored slightly with anger, i know that I still have to be more proactive about my healing and not just stay on autopilot.
So, I have more homework for myself, which is always good
Haha! Add me to that list as well. I am back to working on it diligently and with purpose. NC/dark needs to be not to show her what life can look without you, but what life should look for you with just you. Moving from a deficit and vindictive mentality to a strengthened positive outlook.
M - I think you know you have arrived when you can talk and interact with your W BAU with no emotions, no expectations, etc. just like you would interact with anyone that you come into contact with.
When I talk to my EW these days it is just normal BAU behavior. I respond to her texts, emails and I don't feel any pressure to wait like 3 hours or not respond at all if it is just informational. I might just say Thanks! but it isn't in some attempt to win her back. It's just normal convo.
Definitely J. I am at a place where I can have any interaction with her without emotion and expectations. But I think I still have some residual anger left over that's kicking around, and I should get rid of it so that I am more at peace.
Little bits of things like - how could she do this to me and the kids; Imma show her up; and her just completely giving up... these things are still hanging around a bit and it doesn't do me any good to allow them any space in my life.
One of my survival skills was to cut people out of my life. Underlying that was anger, self-protection, and not being able to forgive betrayal. This is similar to that. So, me cutting her out of my life has to come from a different motivation rather than the negative emotions. It's just more positive detachment and not being fazed by what she's done. I dunno if I am making any sense lol.
I still believe anger has a purpose in this process, but at some point, it has to be let go. I think I am reaching a point where I've let go most of it, but I need to say farewell to the last pieces. Just need to figure that out in the next little while.
Hi Maika, just catching up on your sitch. I am sure all of us will play scenarios in our mind of all the what ifs for ages to come, showing Ss their place, them realizing what a huge mistake they have made, R happening dramatically, us being in a place of not wanting them any longer, moving on without them etc but only time will tell I guess. Glad to know you feel the bond between you and the kids is stronger now, at the end of the day we can only hope to have them as unscathed as possible with this whole D debacle.
Thanks Arsh! Yes, the relationship with the kids is the key priority and making sure they're secure, safe, and in a healthy environment. That was my first concern with BD and everything. I have created a good home for them and we spend a lot of quality time together and there is a lot of love. I'd say much more than before because I've become a better parent through this process.
I am in a really good place now. I do still get plagued by little things here and there, but I am able to deal with it quite productively. I know that it's not going to go away completely, but I have control in how I let it affect me and have power over me.
I want to be with someone who is bananas about me and vice versa - through my flaws and weaknesses, but still know that I am worthy and what I have in my awesome column is far more important than my flaws.
I know it's hard to see that you'll get to this place early on, but trust me when you do, it's so liberating because you know what you got is good. And then you improve yourself and it's even better.
Remember - No help is coming! You are on this journey on your own pretty much. It's a DIY scenario. Go grab it by the reins and steer it, rather than the bull taking you where it wants to go.
Sit by V and let me explain a little. Firstly self talk, switch to CHOOSE which is a powerful word. (Can and may closely follow).
Drop the should, would, must and have to.
These words create resistance aka I must do my homework, I should eat healthily. It's the way the mind works.
However choose is a permission word, it gives options. The mind likes optionS.
So I can choose to let go of my anger is going work much better.
That is because your subconscious knows that anger is protective of you and doesn't want to let it go if it is needed to keep you safe. It likes you safe.
Does that make sense?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hey V! Yes, completely agree. I do believe the way you self-talk makes a huge difference. I changed my self-talk for my habits and it has made a big difference. Like - I don't miss workouts, rather than I can't miss workouts.
Yes, I have to choose to let go of the anger and tell myself that. Key distinction. I feel quite healthy lately mentally and so I know I am in a place where I can choose to let go of the anger and move forward fully.
Hi Maika, hope you are having fun GALing. Just wanted to say thanks for suggesting to read up on Benito's thread. Although I couldnt get his entire sitch, the positives listed there added a tiny little bounce to my step. It is a good read for all newbies.
As for my sitch, yes I am trying to get on the bull still, but slowly and steadily I will rein it in and lead it well but for now it keeps throwing me off balance every other day.
I appreciate your interest in my sitch and all the sage advice you have tossed my way. Reading about your own sitch it is clear that successful DBing has very little to do with saving the relationship and everything to do with saving yourself. You are a role model in that for a lot of us.
I actually bookmarked Benito's thread and refer to it regularly as well as another dosis of positive energy. Thank you for sharing that.
In terms of self-talk I couldn't agree any more. I used to mentally beat myself up constantly, sometimes even vocalizing it, to the point that it annoyed my wife. She would tell me, you're not stupid, you're not fat, stop saying that. It was pathetic. And it really does affect your outlook on life. I hope that one day I get to the point where you are now. Regardless of my R, that will be success.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Arsh - yeh GAL'ing is still flowing. It's slowed down a little lately, but it ebbs and flows. It will take some time, but at least you have some concrete steps to take.
Davide - I've also bookmarked Benito's thread lol. There is a lot of good stuff in there. The stark truth is way better for me than meandering around. No help is on the way. Let's pick up the pieces and see what we can make now.
Thanks for the kind words. My DB journey has had its ups and downs, but at least through it I figured out what I want in my life and a romantic relationship.
I am still working on detachment and sometimes small things happen that make me realize, I am not as detached as I think I am. In the moments when I feel less detached and my mind starts gravitating towards some fantasy of being with W, I slap myself out of that by reminding myself exactly why I wouldn't take her back AS IS right now, even if she came begging.
She texted me something about kids next year and how we'll handle the schedule. For a nanosecond, I got a pang in my heart because she wasn't thinking about recon. But as soon as that hit, I reminded myself that I am not taking her back any ways and that if she wanted to come back, there is a helluva lotta stuff that needs to happen.
Long point short - I am not out of the woods yet. But, it gets better every single day. And my success is not based on whether we recon or not.
Yeah self-talk is key. I improved mine significantly and not only do you change how you think about yourself, people can actually see that in your demeanour and confidence. You'll get there. Time + consistent action will get you there.
Maika, you haven't talked so much about what your wife is up to in recent posts. Do you know anything about her current state? Is she living alone? Does she seem happy? I'm just curious because it's so odd that she hasn't fluctuated or showed signs of reconsidering as many here seem to describe of their spouses long after BD.
In any case, it's great that you feel you're improving and getting to a better place. I'm curious to see what will happen if you decide to file for divorce. It seems like either way things will get better and better - either your wife will wake up and will finally do the hard work or you'll get divorced and be ready for an amazing new relationship. I talk in my post about my reservations about dating or meeting someone new but you sound like someone who can go out and easily connect with great women and navigate the dating the scene.
I'm also curious since you've mentioned being somewhere from South Asia (I assume) - what is your parents' role in everything that's been happening?
Honestly, I am not sure much of what my W is doing. She's finishing up her grad degree this month and so I am guessing she's been busy juggling that with work and life the last many months. She is still living alone and I don't know if she's happy or not. I see her for a few minutes every week at kids extracurricular activity, and we exchange some pleasantries, but nothing more really. I truly have no idea what's going on with her. I really just let go and I am honestly not curios or interested in her life. She cut me out of that and I took that decision and ran with it.
I am not surprised she hasn't shown any signs of recon. She's very stubborn, has high levels of anxiety, is conflict-avoidant, and has self-esteem issues. Something major happened in her life and it took her 3 years to tell her parents because she was afraid how they'd react. I told her and her siblings told her it was going to be fine, but her anxiety was so high that she couldn't do it.
My assumption is that she thinks I am cutting her out of my life, which has been my strategy with people who have abandoned me or betrayed me. Unfortunately, this scenario has happened with me in relation to some very close people in my life and I built that instinctual reaction since very early age.
She would have to do some deep soul-searching and come up with more assertive and confidence skills to even attempt recon with me. Honestly, if she did that, it would be a 180 for her and at least give me an indication that she's made some improvements. Not enough, but at least a start.
To be honest, I don't see that happening any time soon. She hasn't sought help from IC and she really needs to. I am doubtful that she'll take the initiative to do it because of her anxiety and she had told me one time that she doesn't need it.
About D - I am waiting to see if she initiates it. I am sure she knows the rules around it and our separation period of 12 months is over by the end of June. If she doesn't initiate it, then I plan on doing so. I will give it until the end of July and then assess what to do.
The only reservation right now I have about dating is that I know that I am not ready. Also, I feel that I need the D to have some mental closure and then step out in the dating world. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I find it ethically icky to start dating while still legally married, even though we've been separated. I don't think I would be able to honestly be myself and have the single mindset if I was still attached, even by a piece of paper.
One of my married girl friends joked with me about the dating scene. I told her my take on it and she's like - you'll be surprised how many women don't care about your separated status to go on a date with you. That kinda took me aback. I realized that I am not going to date a woman who doesn't care about that. I want to date women who are confident and know their needs and non-negotiables, and are able to be upfront about it. I know this is a nuanced conversation, but it came across as a woman devaluing her needs to date whoever comes her way - I definitely don't want that.
I am pretty good socially and can connect with women. I am very good at connecting with women - grew up in a predominantly female household and some of my closest friends are women. I have my male friends too, but I've never had issues with friendship with women, but I was pretty bad at the dating thing since I always had low self-esteem. Well now, things have changed and lets see.
Yes, I hail from a part of S. Asia. Both my parents abandoned me at a very young age, so they've not played any role in all of this. My close family, some of whom are the closest thing I've had as parents, have been very supportive and caring and just helped me with my tough days. Unfortunately, they are far away so it's only through phone calls, but it's still something rather than nothing. Where I am at, I am pretty much by myself.
I still have ups and downs, but not as intensely or all the time. My detachment is getting better.
I was recently out with my work team and I finally told some men in upper management about my situation - we get along really well, but I didn't want to spill the beans in a professional setting until I was grounded and ready. They all looked at me and said - 'you're going to have no problem finding a phenomenal woman', and then talked about great characteristics I have as a man. I've also helped one of them improve some stuff about his marriage from what I have learned here too. So, it was really interesting to get male affirmation about this. And it was genuine, not some dudebro thing where guys just tell you to go get laid and get over it. They genuinely looked up to me as a man and how I carry myself.
So, I am doing pretty good. I know my value and what I bring and I know my flaws very well now too.
Hi Maika, It is pretty amazing to read how confident you are and how you have decided to take charge of life. I am sure the next phase of life be it recon or a new partner will bring you loads of happiness. Since we are from similar cultural backgrounds I relate a lot reading your sitch. I am truly happy to see how you are faring.
Originally Posted By: Maika
Unfortunately, they are far away so it's only through phone calls, but it's still something rather than nothing. Where I am at, I am pretty much by myself.
I am in the same boat, no family in this country except for H and kids not even extended family or cousins. But thank god for technology today international calling is so accessible.
Thanks Arsh. I think it has to do with accepting that there truly is only one way forward - through the pain, suffering, misery leading to self-discovery. You have to treat where you are right now as a point of no return - the flight has gone too far along the path making it impossible to turn back around and go back to the originating point. You have to continue towards the destination. And that destination is a more grounded life.
As soon as I realized that there was no going back, I accepted that I was going to go through a hard time and stopped avoiding it. Natural instinct is to avoid discomfort. But only by leaning into it, can you make it through.
Yeh, I also have nobody in this country, but some family not so far away, and obviously family back home. One thing that Benito had said in his thread a long time back was - NO HELP IS COMING! Once I really recognized that, it made me approach all of this with more determination.
You can't not take charge of your life. I let life happen to me for a very long time and avoided conflict and buried my discomfort just to please others. I pretty much destroyed myself and who I was in that process. And that process happened over two decades. So, to undo it won't happen in a year. I am doing way better than I thought because of all the help I received here. But, you have to put it into action as much as you can in your context. And that's what I did.
I have a plan until the end of 2018 to accomplish some goals. And then start planning for 2019 in the fall of this year. Just can't let life happen to you any more.
I also listen to great speakers on topics of self-reliance, boundaries, being assertive, and discipline. Discipline has been my biggest issue because I never believed that I could achieve my goals. I know I am smart and intelligent and socially competent, but on the inside, I never validated those things. I always looked for other people to validate me. But, I don't do that any more.
I am not out of the woods yet and it's still a long road. My aim is to come to a place of great equilibrium and groundedness and discipline by end of 2019. I am giving myself extra time because I am finally dealing with all the past traumatic issues from my life, not just BD. And that is at least 20 years worth of stuff. So, it's a massive undertaking.
My key things are having great patience (with others and myself), self-compassion, emotional regulation, not being controlling, and discipline. I am doing good with all of that except discipline, which is my focus now. Once I get that down, nothing can stop me.
I know things are super bleak right now. It's going to get better. I don't know if you're in a position to physically separate from your H, but if that gets on the table, take it and run with it.
So I've been trying to put into practice being consistent with my commitment towards the process for my goals, and it's been an interesting road of experimentation.
After trying out different strategies, I started waking up early every day. I started with 5:30 for a week and then once I was consistent, started waking up @ 5AM and starting my day with my schedule and what I had planned for the day - I have my days mapped out so that I can follow through on the process commitments.
Man, what a difference waking up at 5AM has been. It's like a switch was flipped and it brought everything into focus. It is the first decision of my day and when I make it, all my decisions for the rest of the day just fall into place. I also have so much time to get everything done. I am loving it. It's actually quite intoxicating to be so productive and also have energy throughout the day.
It's also helped me greatly to get better sleep because I am tired from the day and my mind goes into rest mode as soon as I hit the pillow. I am getting deep sleep and having good rest is so important to capitalize on the gains from working out and climbing.
I am also eating better because I have time now to make proper breakfasts and lunches.
It's completely changed my life around and I have such a positive outlook when I succeed with that one decision to not hit the snooze button and get out of bed.
Anyways, just sharing some positives. Not sure what I am doing will work for you and your schedule, but the waking up early has been the catalyst for good decision making and is the glue that holds everything together. I just can't imagine not waking up early any more.
Nice work M, I have always been an early riser. I don't even need an alarm clock any more. To me nothing is better than waking up, getting a good work out in, and enjoying that first cup of coffee in complete silence.
Yeh i have never been an early riser. I was always a vampire - sleep really late and wake up late. I just thought I was wired differently and never pushed myself to change the rhythm of my body. But, it's been a welcome change and I am not so groggy or tired in the mornings anymore. It's been a great revelation and such a positive lifestyle change. Definitely #WINNING
Maika, I have a four year old alarm clock who wakes me up early every morning! That's great you've found that waking early makes a difference. It's hard to focus on things like that when we're in the midst of every day married-with-kids life but now that you've had time on your own to set goals it's great that you identified this change and made it happen!
I also changed a lifelong vampirism and wake up around 630 am everyday now It is truly life changing No matter what happens I hope that this change is permanent The only down side is when I go to bed too late not having enough sleep really effects my emotional wellbeing
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
Nicole - yeah for sure. In my case, I also never put my needs and priorities on the table during the MR. So, waking up early to accomplish my goals was never even something I put real effort into. I also didn't have the mental strength and the wisdom that I have gained in the last year in how to approach my goals without beating myself up and taking small steps. I would try to make huge changes overnight, which was so unrealistic. But I didn't know how else to do it and when I failed it fed into my narrative of being a failure etc etc.
I guess I wish I had also created space to focus on myself so that I could've been a healthier partner and parent. It wasn't impossible, but I didn't have the tools and the right way to self-reflect.
Ste7e - yeah, I know what you mean. I experimented with my schedule to see if my estimates of how long things will take match up to reality. And I realized I was pretty close to my predictions. What helped me get into sleep mode was to set 15 minutes as winding down time - turn on the alarm, put the screen away, meditate for 5 mins, and then lie down. When I do that, I almost fall asleep instantly or within 5 mins.
So try out different things and see what's holding you back in terms of getting to bed on time. One thing that was messing up my goal of getting everything done and getting to bed on time, was working out in the evenings. I changed it to working out in the mornings and it's way better for my schedule.
Hi Maika, hope you are too busy having fun and GALing and havent found time to update. Just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing. I am working on some goals for myself on my own thread and since you are the Goals King I wanted to see if you can give me some input. Keep having fun.
I do intermittent journaling here to just put my thoughts down, and writing helps me think through and also get it out of my system.
I feel like I am at a new level of detachment in the last little while. J9's recent turn of events kinda brought reality into focus for me, and I've always joked that he is a few steps ahead of me and what happens with him gives me a glimpse into my near future.
So I put myself through the mental process of accepting that W has an OM, even though I don't know about anything she does and I haven't come across any real evidence. I know she went on a few dates early after BD and had an EA around and prior to BD - she won't admit it ever, but I put the timelines of things together and it doesn't add up to anything else.
Anyways, as I allowed myself to explore my thoughts and emotions about finding out about an OM and her being in a relationship with someone else, I didn't quite get the emotional and mental reaction that I thought I would. I know this is just a mental exercise and when it happens in reality, it will affect me in the beginning. But I was surprised that I was fairly unfazed by it - even putting the worst mental movies through my head. I don't recommend people doing that voluntarily lol. I just let my mind wander and it went to the worst scenarios and I let myself explore that and feel that. All I came back with was disgust and less respect for her. But I didn't feel the urge to compare myself to this potential OM and that it was a reflection of me and didn't feel feelings of failure.
So, after that, I went to sleep last night and I had a bizarre vivid dream. I don't remember all the details but it was like a surreal situation. W was taking a flight somewhere and it was understood that it was for good. Random people from my life showed up in the dream doing interesting things and someone was trying to soothe me while W was being all frantic and anxious about getting packed and leaving. I was kinda pursuing her around the house and just observing what she was doing, but still pursuing her. I didn't tell her to stop or reconsider. The backgrounds would change dramatically with new people coming in doing random things - kinda like scenes from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
I woke up not feeling anxious or stressed, but just kinda feeling a little weird. Kinda like waking up and realizing that the dream was not real, even though it felt super real in my mind.
It was kinda fascinating and I wonder if it was my subconscious or underlying consciousness fighting my conscious mind as it is moving more towards new levels of detachment. As if my subconscious is having a hard time letting go, or realizing that W is on the precipice of being lost forever. What was also surprising is that even though I was physically following W around, so definitely pursuit, but I wasn't talking her into staying. I actually don't remember telling her anything at all.
I know this is all strange and some of y'all might be thinking what did he drink or smoke last night lol. Don't worry, it was none of that. I don't have vivid dreams usually and when I do, they are hyper real and I remember most of the details.
I feel like I am getting to a good place and maybe this was my mind catching up to how I am feeling generally.
I know this is all strange and some of y'all might be thinking what did he drink or smoke last night lol. Don't worry, it was none of that. I don't have vivid dreams usually and when I do, they are hyper real and I remember most of the details. .
I believe our subconscious mind functions at a higher level than we can perceive. You may be right, you are ready for the next level of detachment perhaps. Eternal Sunshine - I have been thinking about that movie for 2 weeks now, so apt right now, havent had a chance to watch it though. I watched it years ago in the honeymoon phase of my R, wonder how it will feel now.
I know this is all strange and some of y'all might be thinking what did he drink or smoke last night lol.
Or eat...........dam M I feel like I am on a cosmic journey. I am glad you put yourself through the exercise.....I had not done that in a long time and looking back I wish I would have done it more.
I guess we avoid thinking about this stuff, and rightfully so in the beginning as we should be focusing on ourselves, but at some point this reality has to be accepted and get past it. I am in a place where I am fairly grounded and excited about my future that I can handle it. I don't think six months ago this would've been the case.
It also helps to realize and keep in focus that you don't want your partner back like they were before. I am acutely aware of what are my non-negotiables in a R and W has a bunch of them. So, if I were to meet her today and we went on some dates, it wouldn't lead to anything.
It is kinda weird cosmic surreal journey filled with anger, pain, hope, compassion, sadness, strength, and sheer will. I've been thinking about being an LBS is floating in space with no help in sight. Gotta figure out how to get over the panic and then chart a plan to get back to earth. But, while you're floating over the earth, you see all the destruction, but also all the beauty of the planet. And you choose to get back to be part of that beauty and understand that destruction isn't going to stop your drive to live a full life.
I am on my way back to the ground to be with the beauty.
I think it's the timing of you coming to the realization she may be with an OM. I did this around BD becasue she admitted to her A when I provided proof. I went through all the same scenarios (like you I don't recommend) but then I found out who most of the EA/PA's were and I unfortunately started to compare myself with them. I don't encourage this one either!!
Also, were you able to check out Brene' Brown yet? Got to go, GAL weekend for me! Have a good one!
Hey dusty! Good to see you pop by. Don't beat yourself up for comparing. Most of the folks here are thrust with the EA/PA happening and find out details, when they're not ready to handle the info because they are still raw and working through emotions. I am fortunate that I haven't found anything concrete, but her EA was enough to shatter things for me and I am finally closing that loop of emotion after 12 months. And by doing that I gave myself time to get to a place where I am almost built with bullet proof glass rather than a delicate porcelain vase.
I did check out Brown's TED talks. The one on the power of vulnerability is awesome. I haven't picked up her books yet but it's on the list. Thanks for the awesome suggestion.
I love how you chart a path full of emotion for those of us who are just starting on this journey. That is some seriously beautiful imagery you shared with us. Going through those emotions, and not trying to rush through or skip over them, but handling them with patience and self-compassion is so important.
Dont you feel like your children tethered you to earth somewhat? I know what you are talking about when you say you felt like you were floating in space with no help in sight. I remember the dizziness and vertigo I felt - not floating but in free fall, spinning head over heels, not knowing which way was up. My friends and family have continuously reminded me that I actually do have ground under my feet although at times I still forget.
Thanks again for sharing. You are an inspiration for this newbie.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks Davide for your kind words. I feel like what we go through is such an out of body type experience, and that we're suddenly living in an alternate reality in a different universe where water burns and fire soothes at the slightest touch.
So, thinking about understanding that experience, I am trying to fold it into imagery that reflects that.
I love your insight about my children keeping me tethered to earth. Until April of this year, I think that was very true. But because I was tethered like that, I wasn't able to completely let go and look at the world in all its transparency. That tethered lifeline, even though pure and full of love, was tied down from a place of destruction. After April, when I let myself be free from it and look at the world from a full spectrum, I realized that the tether was still there, but now it was firmly fixed from a place of love.
I couldn't hold on to my children as a way of deluding myself that I wasn't actually in space and that if I just focused on the tether, that it would save me. It didn't, but rather wore me down further.
I know I am taking the metaphor really far, but until you really let go, you won't find that other lifeline that is there for you.
Haha! Me neither. Not sure what came over me, but this metaphor really allowed me to articulate my journey better than I have ever been able to explain before.
Way deep, keep writing, maybe this experience will encourage you to write your own book. I know I have gained so much knowledge from this experience. As a friend of mine who is D'ed told me... "This is going to open up some amazing things in your life"
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
Things are going fairly well for me. Have had a few hiccups in the last few weeks with some negative events. Sometimes when it's $hit, it's actually diarrhea - it just keeps coming lol. Have been hit with a number of small adverse events, but I am mentally a lot stronger and so have been able to keep a positive outlook and focus on the silver linings.
So I am having an interesting struggle with validation. I know it's rooted in the NGS part of me that I have actively worked to shed. Reaching out to the board to see what people might have to say.
I had a great relationship with my in-laws, particularly FIL and MIL. Since all of this went down last year, I basically NC them as well. I told them that I would be taking space and so it wasn't a shock to them.
Now that it has been a year, they do correspond with me about stuff that needs to get done - business like stuff. But I kinda dread meeting them in-person. I have no idea what W has told them about me or the MR, but they've not heard my side of any of it. I also wouldn't reach out to them to do that. So, I dunno what they think of me.
I feel that they must think that I destroyed their daughter's life; that I am a piece of garbage human being; and that they tolerate my presence.
Let me say that nothing that they have said or done to me would indicate any of that. So, I know that this is in my mind. I feel like I am seeking validation from them that I am not a bad person and that they recognize that their daughter isn't some innocent victim. But I would never talk to them about that or ask them their opinion.
Anyways, it's bothering me that they might think that I am a garbage human being, when I am not.
I need to figure out how to get past it. She's part of their tribe and I know that very well. I have no problem with that. I guess it's just a validation thing and even though I am way beyond seeking validation from W or a potential romantic partner (not dating so that's hypothetical), I guess I am still not over seeking validation in general. Maybe I need to hear that I am not wrong or a bad human being.
M, I think you are mind reading there. It is bad to do with the W and no better with the in laws. Do you need to meet them in person? Or is it just a desire on your part?
Oh, and while you know better than to seek validation externally I an unequivocally state that you are a helluva good person. Your support for me and others here is more than enough proof of that.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Maika, this is something I actually have experience with. Parents will always stick with their own children and it is rightfully so. You will not be able to make your in-laws see your side, even if deep down they know their D left your MR, they will find reasons to justify her decision. In my case my MIL was living with us during and soon after D, she saw me at my worst, staying up whole night, not eating, contemplating suicide even with 2 small children and I definitely did not handle the BD well. But once WAH spoke to her, she sided with him in spite of knowing the hell I was going thru and her small grand children are having their home torn apart. There is no winning with in laws, they are related to you through her, I wouldnt worry about what they think of you. If they are great and mature human beings they will see the truth for what it is, the remaining 99% will support their children.
Maika, I think everyone here on this board must be going through this with their in-laws. I've lost contact with mine as well - they don't speak English so it's a little different but my sister-in-law stopped responding to my text messages so I know something is wrong. It'd be nice if your in-laws would say something to demonstrate they still like and respect you but maybe they're afraid to interfere. Maybe they see their own daughter's faults and can see through whatever bad things she might tell them about you. Even if they act one way they might be thinking another way. If I were you, if you reach the stage of filing for divorce, I'd send a letter or make a phone call one single time to say how sorry you are to lose them as a family and how you'll do everything within your power to raise their grandchildren to the best of your ability and to cooperate with them and your wife in raising them.
J - yeah, I've left them alone basically so it's not been an issue. Just been more about my state of mind and mind reading.
Davide - Thanks for the kind words man! Yes, it is mind reading and doing with in-laws also does you no good. You were spot on
Arsh - Yes, I know this dynamic quite well too. My W and her parents are from a completely different cultural background than me and so I haven't had to deal with some of the cultural baggage that might come with this situation. I know they obviously support her, but they have also been good to me.
Nicole - They're pretty cordial and know how things went down between me and W. I don't know if they know about her EA and dating and what not, but they've seen how I have acted throughout this whole thing and I think they have respected that. I'll definitely reach out to them when D happens and let them know how I have appreciated them and this is such a great loss.
I did see them yesterday and they were cordial and chatty and inquired about my life and work. So, even if they think I effed up their daughter's life, they haven't shown any thing to that effect in their actions. I know they haven't reached out to me directly to give me space and time.
Yesterday meeting them just confirmed that I am mind reading, but also still have some of the NGS kicking around that I need to let go of. If they think I am a bad person without even finding out my side of the street, then that's on them. I can't help that.
I've started actual journaling to help me put some thoughts down IRL. It's been quite cathartic and also helps me really clarify my thoughts beyond just listing some obvious reasons for why I should do something.
I am just super inspired by the quote in my tag line at the bottom and I have started to devote a section on decision making. The aim is to really flesh out the 'why' so that I have considered everything in detail and given it enough time to marinate and sink in.
Another positive activity to really deepen the changes I am working towards and also have a reminder when I am feeling weak about acting on the decision or my mind is playing jedi mind tricks
Thanks Nef! I have been straddling the ways of the Jedi and the Sith and gained much from both sides. But you're right, the Force is within me and I have to use it wisely. Exactly what I am doing. Zen with slow embers of anger still inside being used to my advantage.
M, if you always conduct yourself with dignity (which I'm very confident you do) then THAT is what your in-laws will see regardless of what W may have told them. Older couples have been to hell and back at some point in their own R, and they've seen everything you can imagine in the R's of their friends and family. They've been there and done that. They surely support their D, but I promise if she's ranting and raving to them about how terrible you are and you are staying out of the firefight and instead conducting yourself with quiet dignity, well that will speak volumes to them.
As an aside, no one has ever told me that XW said one bad thing about me even right after BD, so WAS's don't always do the trash-talking thing.
You're right AS. I saw them and they haven't shown anything or said anything that would confirm my thinking. So, it has been mind reading and needing validation on my part. It's also the part of me that always tried to please everyone, which I am not doing anymore, but this just highlighted that there are still some lingering tendencies that I need to work out of my system.
I honestly have no idea what W has said to anybody. And actions speak louder than words and I conduct myself with dignity, which definitely shows.
I've also completely left her alone with NC/Dark, which was something they had suggested to me as well. So, there shouldn't be any problem with that if they think why I am not reaching out or being buddies with her.
Her dad had told me that I will always be part of their family. He says what he means and so I believe they hold me with good regard and respect.
So, yeh, it came down to just me and my jedi mind tricks lol
This thread is almost up and so let me kinda end it on summarizing some stuff that has happened lately. I won't be starting a new thread unless things change.
So, the last 8 weeks have been tough. As they say, when it pours it rains. But thanks to all the mental and emotional growth I've attained through this year, I was able to work through the challenges and have a good mindset.
Just a quick glimpse into my challenges: injured myself and so can't climb or workout for at least 2 months; didn't realize I had injured more than one limb and the second injury blew up a few weeks after the first injury and I had to go to a doctor and now I am on physical rehab - it's not devastatingly bad, but any physical activity until fall is out; caught the flu on the day a very important work deadline was due and was pretty incapacitated for a few days - my team pitched in and got it done; the flu symptoms lingered and had to get antibiotics 2 weeks later as I was still sluggish; some family bull$hit that I didn't need right now; and having to restart my smoking quit.
In the past I would've been all self-victimizing myself and how woe is me and life just [censored] for me. But, not this time. I took all the hits and figured out a way to mentally handle them and find the silver linings in all of them. And they all had something positive that I could take from it. I just had to change my perspective.
I've had some awesome time with the kids and they were just so adorable and helpful to me when I came down with the injuries. They helped me around the house and even made me an espresso with whipped cream on it. Melted my heart to pieces.
Things with W are still the same same. I've come to a place of detachment where I am truly unfettered by her actions and words. I almost forgot how I felt after BD and how she treated me. And I had to remind myself about that because it seemed so far away in my mind. I had to remind myself how I had felt like garbage thrown on the side of the street, and how little I valued myself. I am so far away from that with my self-worth and confidence that I look back at that man and don't recognize him. She has no power over me now and it's a really calm place for me.
I've put myself through mental exercise about worst case scenarios and outcomes, and the only things get to me is how it might affect the kids and what I can do about that. Otherwise, the effects on me are pretty minimal. She could bang the whole varsity team and I have no emotions about it. I am not trying to pump up myself and be macho about it, but just being reflective and honest and letting myself feel what comes, but nothing bad has emerged.
She could sleep with the sexiest man alive and it wouldn't faze me as I am not comparing myself to any man she chooses. I am asking myself if I want to be with her instead, and the answer is no because I don't want that kind of sex and romance. I want something else, something better. So, she could do the deed with whoever and it's nothing against me and who I am.
I feel like I am receding more and more out of her life and it's quite therapeutic. The further I drift away, the stronger and more balanced I become.
On a personal level, I have some plans cut out for me and accomplishments and milestones set out. I am quite pleased about that and I gained a lot of clarity recently about my career path, what I want to do with life, and how to keep building that self-worth. Had an awesome IC session too and I am getting to a deeper level of rebuilding myself and excavating the past traumas to chart a stronger future path. I used to keep asking my IC for practical things I could do about some of the issues, and she entertained that to an extent. But now where we are, she pushed back and told me that there isn't like 3 things I could implement that will help me figure this out. There is a lot of deep investigation and reflection and emotional work, which can't be neatly done in three steps or whatever.
So that was very helpful to be reminded that I can't life-hack my way out some of the traumas and that they deserve the time and effort to address the magnitude of their effects over such a long period of time.
I am incredibly hopeful and also happy on a daily basis. I am very grateful to where I am at. I had written on Davide's thread I believe about gaining much needed perspective.
IC had recommended I take a mental health assessment that is focused on life events that have occurred in your life. I scored really high on it and statistically speaking, I should be clinically depressed, suicidal, in bad health, poor, addicted to substances, unemployed our unable to hold a long term job, and living on the margins of society. The only thing about that is that I was depressed (not clinically as diagnosed by my IC). So, already I am a massive success story about resilience, survival, and making it. If nothing improves, I still made it. But, everything beyond now is just gravy and spectacularly bright. I needed this to really shift my POV and get rid of my self-victimization and know that I have control.
So I am moving forward knowing that I gave it all for this MR and I have no regrets about my actions post-BD. I have conducted myself with integrity and I hold my head high.
I am around and will comment when I feel the need to. What a journey! What a life!
Good luck M! I hope everything works out for you. Been thinking about you lately, so I just had to pull up the forums and see how you've been.
The rehab stuff [censored]. I had to go through it. I hope it all works out for you.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Hey JM! Good to see you pop by. Thanks for the good wishes. Yeh, I am in a great place with a few challenges lately. The rehab process does $uck, but physical therapy has been great and I am getting stronger every day. My physio keeps reminding me every visit that the ultimate goal is to get back to climbing and drills that into my head, so it really helps to make sure I don't slack off on the healing process.
I read your latest update and sounds like you've moved forward as well. Yeh, the one year mark is probably the toughest one. I remember when that happened to me. But, I don't anticipate it being that moving forward.
