I've been lurking here for a couple months and I've finally reached a point that I feel like I need to post here.
My WW and I have been married for 12 years with one S7. She blindsided me with BD in late April and moved to her parents' house the next day. Within a week she was meeting with a lawyer. About 6 weeks later I received a proposed separation agreement.
Shortly after BD I discovered very unusual text message usage during the previous several months. I have since confirmed that this was an OM that went from EA to PA after she moved out.
I've read DB and DR and all of Cadet's homework. I have struggled very badly with deciding whether there is any chance to save my family and further, whether I can come back from this. I was convinced that I wanted to stand for my marriage, but after several weeks of nearly NC we recently talked. In this conversation I confirmed that I knew of the A and discussed my requirements for a separation agreement regarding custody of S7. I made mistakes in this conversation by letting the topic veer in to discussions about our MR and OM that I didn't want to get in to.
In our state you have to be physically separated for a year before filing for divorce, unless you have a limited number of 'at-fault' circumstances. Of course adultery is one of those circumstances. The problem I am having is determining whether I have any hope of saving my family, or if I could even move past the betrayal if she ever came around. She has hit me with all of the typical WAW/WW script/history re-writing and ILYBNILWY, etc.
There is no question whatsoever that I HEAVILY contributed to her WW mindset. I spent the last 2-3 years (maybe longer) suffering with depression. I can honestly say that the last few years I have been in such a fog that I struggle to identify what year certain events happened. I shut down and other than going to work I basically didn't/couldn't function. I would basically come home and close myself off from my family and suffer alone. When I DID spend time with them I would get angry way too often. I didn't take good care of myself and I was depressed and embarrassed by my weight and didn't want to go anywhere. Basically, I wasn't being a good husband or father. I don't blame her for losing respect for me and feeling like she didn't love me anymore. I own that, and understand why she would be thinking of leaving me. When she walked out on me, it was like a switch flipped in me. The fog cleared and I realized that I had to make MAJOR changes to myself. I've lost between 60 and 70 lbs in under 12 weeks, I immediately turned my life back to God, got involved in a new church (taking S7 with me as well), begun serving at church, reconnected with friends, started IC, started meditating, reading the bible daily and have met with a pastor from church. I am taking better care of myself and the house and have completely dedicated myself to being the best dad I can be.
I love my wife and my son with all my heart and I would give anything to go back and do things differently. I know that I can't look back now and have to just keep moving forward, but I am having such a hard time. I KNOW that I have to let her go and trust God, and when we were virtually NC I was doing so well, but talking to her the other night has set me back to feeling like i did on BD. When I can think rationally, I know that I will get through this and be OK even without her, but I am having so much trouble truly letting go.
Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s M: 12 S: 7 BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day) OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I wish I didn't know. Having her compare him to me and tell me how much happier she is without me crushed my soul. And the worst part is that I have at least 11 more years of having to deal with her and raise our son. Right now that is feeling like a lifetime of torture...
Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s M: 12 S: 7 BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day) OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
Yeah, mine is completely unwilling to do any counseling or make ANY effort to save our marriage. I'm just struggling with doing the only thing I CAN do and letting go of her, our marriage and what I thought our future would look like and just put all my trust in God. I gave the option for me to go ahead and file so the divorce can be done in a few months rather than waiting until the spring, but she would rather do the separation agreement. I got the impression from things she said, that she doesn't want him to get dragged in to it. She also seems to not want the adultery filing despite her claiming to have NO REGRETS.
If we can agree on custody terms for our S7, I'm willing to do the separation agreement, though if our marriage is truly over I feel like the shorter timeline to D and closure is appealing.
Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s M: 12 S: 7 BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day) OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
I have been thinking a lot about how I feel like I was in such a fog for the last couple years. I have memories of things we did and places we went, but I honestly have trouble remembering what year they happened in. It got really bad just over a year ago and started to have horrible panic attacks when I decided to leave my job of nearly 10 years. I couldn't see for myself that I was fighting depression and just thought it was anxiety about the big change I was making. But, the panic attacks finally prompted me to go to the doctor, who gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant to try to level off my anxiety. Since I wasn't able to recognize that I was depressed, he presumed it was just situational. My wife didn't like me taking the medication and actually encouraged me to stop taking it after a couple months.
Looking back to a couple months pre-BD, she was trying to push me to start taking it again...she KNEW I was struggling with depression, even though I didn't realize it. She was trying to get me to start taking it again because she knew she was having an EA and was going to leave me to pursue a PA.
I love my wife with all my heart, and I want her back, but right now I know I have to work hard to get ME back.
Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s M: 12 S: 7 BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day) OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
