Rough night last night. Nothing at all happened when I got home. It was a little nasty outside so had to do my evening workout inside. My D had a friend over that ended up spending the night so other than getting them some snacks and dinner together, an uneventful evening. W and I went up a little earlier than usual so D and her friend could watch a movie.
I had the most vivid dream I have had in a long time. It wasn't anything crazy. Just a replay pretty much of what my W and I are going through. There was an argument that, of course, stemmed from nothing and ended up in a heated situation. I couldn't control myself in my dream. I remember thinking to myself and trying, but I couldn't stop. Jolted myself awake at 2 am and just felt the entire situation through my body and soul. It was crushing. Since I was jolted awake, it was difficult to attempt to relax and go back to sleep. I also couldn't really leave the room as the only other area to go to was where the girls were crashed. I meditated for awhile and told myself that it was just a dream, it didn't really happen, and it shouldn't affect anything. WAY too tough to do for me. I managed a little bit more rest and then during my morning workout, couldn't get it off of my mind.
Did my morning routine, wished my wife to have a good day and she said the same, and headed off to work.
No idea where this came from. Ideas are appreciated.
Where I am is truly "I don't know what to do". I don't know how long I can hang on. I am working on detaching, but it seems like I can't fulfill the true detachment when we are in the same home. We rarely communicate during the day. We rarely speak that much in the evening. We do our usual summer routine which is get the kids something when they want (no scheduled dinner time due to playtime and fun for them), we both don't generally eat dinner together as we both rarely eat a meal in the evening, mostly snacking. We do our things and settle in and watch some tv together, followed by us both shutting down the house and heading up to bed at the same time, and of course in the same bed. Most of the time we will watch a quick comedy show to wind down a little more and then we call the evening together. We both say our goodnights and we are done.
Cycle starts the next day as we get up early (I, so I can work out prior to going to work, her, mostly due to her health issues and needing her heating pad). I do my thing, get ready, wish her a good day, she does the same, and I am headed off.
I know this is the exact definition of limbo. She isn't doing anything and I am tolerating the situation (I don't know how else to describe the sitch other than that).
My question and looking for feedback on this please! Am I just enabling her to get to a better place or position where she can bolt? Am I just a schmuck that is too nice of a guy to cut this off and move on? Am I just still so much in love with my W that I would sacrifice my dignity to stay with her even if we don't have a MR? Should I give her the wake up call, file, and move this all forward in the chance that THIS might be her wake up call?
Small comment, I feel at times that I still makes things WAY too comfortable for her. She realizes I still am in love with her and knowingly or unknowingly is taking advantage of that. She also knows that her financial struggle truly begins when we part, so her "toleration" of me may be her way of keeping me on the line until Plan A comes together. Again, No PA that I possibly could think could be happening. Kids are home everyday, W is dealing with health issues, never leaves without the kids, never goes out in the evening, and 99 times out of 100 she hasn't changed out of her morning outfit, taken a shower, no makeup and her hair isn't done.
I realize that if I triggered and moved forward that the chance of a D are way greater than an R. I just don't know. My issue now is I am tired of this affecting every aspect of my life. Home, family, kids, W of course, WORK, and just the freedom to know I could go do something without worrying about some response (Not talking about dating, just talking out our MR as it used to be "Hey honey, I'm going to golf with the guys on Friday, I'll be home by dinner, let me know if you need me to get you anything on my way home". No asking for permission, just the understood bonds between a husband and a wife with normal life. I now seem to have to worry about even the slightest situation that arises.
Again, your opinions are greatly wanted and appreciated!
Last edited by Cadet; 07/24/1802:13 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
I think you play with words and substitute the nicer sounding ones for those that hit too close to the truth.
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Am I just enabling her to get to a better place or position where she can bolt?
Yes, you are most definitely an enabler. Your life is spent enabling your W.
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Am I just a schmuck that is too nice of a guy to cut this off and move on?
What if you change the words "nice guy" to "weak"?
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Am I just still so much in love with my W that I would sacrifice my dignity to stay with her even if we don't have a MR?
That sounds so sweet, doesn't it? Well, change the words "so much in love with my W" to "so co-dependent on the R with my W".
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Should I give her the wake up call, file, and move this all forward in the chance that THIS might be her wake up call?
How would you proceed with the wake up call? Frankly, I think she is just as co-dependent as you. I'm not trying to be harsh. I say it with concern that it seems to be a real factor in this situation.
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I now seem to have to worry about even the slightest situation that arises.
Who can change it?
Stop looking at her. Stop waiting on her for the answers.
I don't think you can move forward in trying to fix your W. That also includes, not rescuing her and not supporting her. Could you cut that rope? Your entire life is set with her in the center. Everything is about her, her health and her needs. She keeps things in this particular spot by giving you enough scary words to remind you that she's not happy. In the meantime, she does no action, and you continue doing as always.
So, do you think you have the courage to "wake her up"? IDK, b/c you would be seen as the bad guy, and that seems to make you roll up into a ball. So, could you do it?
Last edited by Cadet; 07/24/1803:52 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Thanks. And yes, I have always tried to be a little softer in my language about my sitch and I appreciate and agree with your word choices and changes.
To put it bluntly, This is the absolute worst I have ever felt in my life. However our path took us, we lost our individual identities along the way and became solely dependent on each other. I know that. We are lost. She is lost and I am lost. No wonder we don't like each other too much right now. Neither of us knows who we are.
I know I am enabling her. I know that I am weak when it comes to her. We fall into a comfortable routine where I am thankful we are still in the same home, at the same time I am on pins and needles hoping somehow she figures out that our MR is a good thing. Is this a huge cheeseless tunnel? Probably.
Can I pull the trigger and initiate mediation to a D? That is what I am trying to determine. I realize she wants nothing to do with me. How do you turn off loving someone? I also realize that I am dependent upon my W. I am dependent on providing for her and caring for her. It has become a major part of my life. I also don't know how to stop this. The only way I am coming back to over the last few days is that we need to physically part and each stand (or attempt) on our own. It seems like not only the healthiest option for everyone involved, but also the best chance we have to salvage even a communicative co-parent relationship outside of hating one another. I am contemplating not physically leaving our residence as we are tied there until February, but moving forward with the mediation to D and having her move into the guest room. If we agree, file and get everything done, it seems like by the time it is done with waiting periods, there would only be 2-3 months left for us to remain together. We are basically separated now, not much of a difference other than the bedroom change and legal paperwork to get everyone feeling like they are moving forward.
I appreciate your thoughts. I am just feeling this overwhelming feeling that I do need to take charge, take action and move it all forward. Is it just me being too weak to do this? If I hang on longer do we have a better chance? If we remain where we are, will we end up hating and despising each other? I don't know. I also know that my W may just be biding her time to get in a better position prior to moving this forward, or even just waiting until our lease is up to move on. No Idea.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/24/1803:51 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
JS, I am new today on DB forum. I can tell you're a super nice person. Ive read alot of the threads and comments through JuIy. I can see alot of people guiding you through. That's awsome. I really hope eventually I can get the same support. I can see that Sandi is really telling you what you need to do along with others. Right now I'm going through a very rough time my self. My W left me and is having an EA and now PA. I feel so humiliated. I know your pain and will pray for you and your family. Good luck.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
JS, I know I've quoted that "limbo is the gift of time" to you before. I understand you aren't feeling that. But there are really three states that you can be in:
1) Limbo, where you are now. I'll get to this in a bit after I quote you. 2) Reconciliation, where you both are committed back to the MR and actively working on it. Including MC, individual IC and other work (reading, regular discussions, employing some other expert's (not MWD) marriage improvement advice. 3) Actively moving towards separation and D.
You are in 1. You do not have the power to move by yourself to 2. And you do have the power to move to 3.
So the question is whether or not 1 is better or worse than 3? 1 feels awful while going through it, but if the result is 2 then it makes it all worth it. It is hard to see that while you are going through it because 2 seems so distant and at times, unattainable.
3 however, isn't all riding off into the sunset and moving on either. Why? Because you have kids. You see JS, and this might sound a little old-fashioned, but this is the "for better or for worse" part of the vows that we take. Emphasis on the worse. MRs are hard. They require lots of patience, and work, and care and feeding. :You say there is no PA and based on your description I believe you. Do you know how lucky you are. Most of the other posters here would kill to be in your position! But because you have kids, and you are 7 years older than her, then you will be connected to her for the rest of your life. There is no true "moving on".
Birthdays, graduations, weddings, birth of grand kids, their birthdays, graduation and weddings, and the birth of great grand kids (if you live that long) will all mean you have to see her. Work with her. Deal with her.
Would you rather do that as married partners? Or as divorced "tolerators"?
You said:
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I know this is the exact definition of limbo. She isn't doing anything and I am tolerating the situation (I don't know how else to describe the sitch other than that).
Your life is going to be about tolerating a situation, one way or the other, for the rest of it. As I said before, in the midst of limbo it is hard to see your way through it clearly.
There is a number 4 I left off the list above. And that is:
4. Force the issue and discuss moving into either R or D with your W.
The outcome of this move is likely 2 or 3. It is generally considered a bad idea to take this approach. As you mentioned this will more likely result in 3 rather than 2.
JS, are you read for 3? Realize that your WAW in limbo will spin it that YOU ended the marriage. The fallout from that is your kids might blame you for the D. And maybe you're ok with that? In the future they may come to realization that you were "forced" into it.
When I was going through my sitch I routinely told people that asked me "why are you tolerating this?", that I wanted to be able to look my D in the eyes in a few years and tell her that I did everything that I could to save the marriage. Maybe that is less important to you. Maybe you have this same philosophy but are just growing impatient. That is up to you to decide and figure out.
Obviously, I think you should stay in 1 as long as it takes to get to 2. But I am not in your sitch day-to-day. So it is easy for me to say. Without a PA I personally believe that you are bound by your marriage vows. But it is well within your LEGAL rights to move to mediation or file for D.
You mention finances. Remember, you will be on the hook to support her for some time to come. If you get 50/50 custody, you will pay child support. WIth your W's lack of work, and health problems, it is likely you will have to pay spousal support at least for a while following D. Again, moving on may not be moving on the way you think.
It is up to you. Personally I would continue working on myself, to become the spouse only a total idiot would leave, and eventually hope that my W would come around. As I've said before, it would take a spouse that is a sociopath to not responded positively to positive changes in their spouse. I hope she is not that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Please start a new thread. You have reached the 100 posting/reply limit for this thread. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Cadet With the new forum, I'm having a little difficulty on how to start a new thread. Could you please guide my challenged intellect to this arena?
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/25/1803:14 PM. Reason: Link
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
