Can I really do this #5

[Dtrmned]

Definitely a marathon. Exhausted already, but feeling ok.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2803478&#Post2803478

There is the link to #4 if you need or desire to look back and catch up.

Tons going on.

First, Steve, I thank you for your input. The vets that have taken an interest in my situation have meant a great deal to me. I would love just a small get together somewhere tropical to have drinks with umbrellas on a beach to thank you all, toast a glass, and wish all of the best in our lives moving forward.

Steve, your last question regarding my W's depression. With her childhood abuse, father abandoning the family, mother going SUPER religious and forcing it down her throat led to major rebellion, drug abuse, questionable choices, and everything else. This combined with the major health issues, the work issues, and now our marital issues, YES depression is greatly involved. She has had it most of her life, all of her adult life, and takes medication for this.

Your previous post prior talking about options. My concern is that over the last week or so, especially the last few days, she has withdrawn more and more. She is cold, distant, and seems to be fading to a worse place than before. No engagement whatsoever. No interest in much of anything. Is it because our situation? Her thoughts and dreams? Her depression on her situation (outside of our MR)? I don't know. She is on anti-depressions medication and has been for years. They work sometimes, sometimes they need to be changed.

I think I posted yesterday or the day before, that I am pessimistic about a R to a new MR, this is due mostly to her just non desire to do anything, anywhere, anytime regarding our MR. I give her her space. I do engage with the kids, do a few things, and always offer and ask if she would like to participate. The answer is mostly an overwhelming no.

Can a WAW/WW come out of her fog?

My concern is that this is affecting my profession and thus my income. Not necessarily a bad thing if it came to D as it is just less in Child support. Steve, there is a prenup in place stating there will not be any alimony or spousal support.

I am frustrated, lonely, tired of putting my life on hold for her. Steve, I also value my hold dearly the vows I made to her in front of God and all of our witnesses. I do not take this likely. I just don't know that if throwing in the towel makes sense, or is it just the cowards way out.

I have stated prior that as far as finances, I would be much better off if we D. Definitely not my desire. If I hung in there for another year, I would be ok doing that. I would just need some assurance that she was in 100% and we were working with an MC to move forward possibility.

[SteveLW]

That all makes sense. Sorry if you mentioned the prenup before, I must have forgotten.

Kind of orthogonal to this discussion......you took your vows seriously but had her sign a prenup? Maybe it is just my limited understanding of legal proceedings, but those things seem contradictory.

[Dtrmned]

on the prenup.
Bad prior relationship.
My assets were 1000% more than hers when we entered into marriage, I worked and and had always saved, a small inheritance and some property were inolved. But still, 1000% difference. Not to be specific, but if she had $1000 in the bank, the comparable would be my net worth at a million. Quite different.
Honestly, after putting it together, never thought about it again until our issues. We were a team all the way.
Through our marriage, she was a part of every decision. She was always on title on all of our homes (regardless if there was a mortgage or not), she had access to all of my assets, and full disclosure.
Having that protection now, may be a godsend and foresight I couldn't see.
I am very conservative. She had everything she needed and mostly what she wanted. She worked and did her own thing until children, then we took a pause on her career and she stayed home for a few years. She was attempting to get back into the workforce when the first spinal issue arrived, then downhill from there causing her to not go back to work.
Her "fantasy" is she can get back to work now (chronic, debilitating issues not with standing).
Again, a very conservative thinker outside of the love for my W and children, but the financial, legal and personal advice was to protect myself. It doesn't mean much now since we lost everything in the financial collapse. The only saving grace is the no alimony agreement signed by both of us since there aren't any other assets other than what made it through the bankruptcy.

I guess it is a difference in splitting hairs (agree or not) that Christian marriage is under one set of rules and our current legal system is another. I have and still am in love with this woman. Have been for 21 years. Whenever an issue arose, I just put it on my shoulders and made it happen. I am committed to our MR, my W and our kids.

[SteveLW]

Fair enough. You are right.......about the Christian marriage vs. legal marriage. Good for you though, that gives you lots of options others might not have.

I still encourage you to stick it out for a longtime. Give it at least a year. That way you can say you tried to be true to your vows.

[Dtrmned]

Steve,
I'm not sure the exact timeline with which this begins.

We had some major issues in 2015 with the financial collapse, then the foreclosure took place early 2017, then the filing Feb of 2018. Those were Major! We did not have a perfect marriage. We were perfect for each other. But I don't know if you would count that as 3-4 years, or 3-4 months since she filed in Feb and withdrew.

I will gladly stick with this as long as I possibly can. I don't know if this is just natural progression, but my W pulling so distant the last 2 weeks is rough. I know its only 2 weeks, but it does affect my attitude and the home life.

[Dtrmned]

W is really pushing to sit our S down and let him in on us getting a D.
I know this will break his heart, and that he does deserve to know if it is really going to happen.
My issue is, W and I had a small discussion on it last evening.

W: Did you read through that link about telling the kids about the D?

Me: I did

W: Well, what do you think?

Me: I'm thinking on it. This is tough.

W: You are just trying to put things off and stretch this out again.

Me: No, my concern is more for our children. Our D already knows since she has heard us. I just don't want to break his innocence even though I know we have to do it. Just struggling with it.

W: I think you are just putting it off.

Me: I believe that you think every action I have in some way is geared towards keeping us in a marriage.

W: Yes, I do.

Me: I will admit that I do not want a D. I would love to find a path for us to work out our MR. I am doing my best to respect the fact that you do not want this. I am not dragging anything out, nor am I stretching this farther than it need be.

W: Well, what do you think about telling him?

Me: I think it would be better to tell him after we have everything worked out, have filed and we only have the waiting period left. That way it is all done, all of us know the timeline, everything has been agreed to, and everyone can begin moving on. Regardless if we are in the same home for a month or two after the divorce is final, at least it is all done.

W: (didn't say anything)

Pretty much end of the discussion.

I don't know what to do with this. She has been much more cold and distant these last several days. She is making an extra effort to have her space. I've given this to her, in fact, I notice, but as far as she knows, I am good with it.

Her request for more space in bed has been totally granted and respected.

Weird. I woke up around 2 am to find her leg over mine and her holding onto my arm.

This morning she was almost pleasant when we said our "have a good day" comments to each other.

Limbo is weird, and I want to protect our children (weird that I always put "my" children then always correct it to "our") through this whole process and I don't know which way is best. I don't want them experiencing the limbo longer than they need to. I want them to concentrate on school, activities, sports, friends and fun. I don't want their home life to basically be a de-militarized zone where everyone is on edge waiting for the next thing to happen. I am jealous at times as my W gets the luxury of spending all day with them while I have to go "slay the dragon" and "bring home the bacon". That isn't too fair at this point. It worked when we were a team.

I know she is still coming out of her thyroid rage, so I am trying to be as patient as I can be.

How much should someone put up with?

I'm ok with my situation, I am not OK with our children's situation.

[Dtrmned]

I'm positive that I just made a mistake, but had to share since I am open, honest, and totally imperfect.


Had youtube on this morning at work. A song came on that was VERY significant in my MR. Very sensual. Watched and listened. Then I sent the link to my W in am email.

I know it was stupid, desperate, whatever. I miss her so much at this moment.

I probably will get no response, but felt the need to send it to her.

Definitely pursuit. What else can I do but try to show the woman whom is the love of my life, that I LOVE her with all my heart.

2x4's expected.

I love my W. I want to keep my family together.

I want to get back to enjoying life and hopefully my family.

Don't know where she is at this particular time in the morning. But I will update when/if she responds.

[SteveLW]

Yep bad move. But it is done. No used crying over spilled milk.

Just get back up on the DB horse and start afresh.

[Dtrmned]

Just lost today...
Steve, I know I screwed up with the reach out and pursuit.

But what are you supposed to do when your heart hurts, your kids are suffering, and the woman you love is just a selfish B? You mentioned yesterday that since all evidence points towards no PA, that my vows to my wife still stand. I agree.

So GAL, 180, etc. etc. put us all in a limbo state that sacrifices our children's immediate needs and keeps us all in a bad situation? Just struggling with this, how to justify it for myself, and how do WE (my entire family) make it through to hopefully the other side?

I have begun to see my W very differently over the last month. I still love her very much. I now, more than ever, see her imperfections as well (which make her almost more endearing). She is not perfect, not flawless (although if you put her in a room with 100 "10's" I would choose her in a second).

Other than the email this morning, which I'm sure gave her both pleasure and pain, I am DB'ing all the time.

Not perfect, just a LBS that is still in love with his W and wants to keep his family together. Unfortunately the odds are against me, but then again, I have always been a risk taker.

[hongaku]

Don't beat yourself up over it. Like Steve said, no use crying over spilled milk. Just get back on track.