I wished that I would have never been in the situation I am now asking for any kind of support (and I am needing support from just about everyone, online or not) to help me get through this painful ordeal in my life. There is going to be a lot of text and I'm not quite sure where to begin. So I'll just start from the beginning.
I met my wife through eHarmony a little over 10 years ago. I was just finishing another year in graduate school while being a legal guardian to my brother and working full time in New Mexico. I was trying to overcome yet another rejection by someone that had feelings for me but ended up having feelings for someone else, leaving me 0-for-217 (exaggeration). Getting to that point took a lot of hard work of working on my personality, attitude, and social skills. Enough to the point where I was seen a person who loved and cared so much and whose chance at love was waiting for me. Many people were sympathetic to my failures of finding a girlfriend and with each rejection and pain I felt also felt pain for me. Not to call myself a "nice guy", but everyone, ladies, gentlemen, married women, married men, attractive women, etc. said that I had a genuine heart and that while it may not be with that person, that she is there and I will be in a relationship that I've been yearning when I least expect it. That day began on May 28, 2008 when I began to talk to a beautiful young woman in the Washington state area. She was cheated on and looking for healing in the form of a new relationship. We hit it off and all of our conversations were just oozing with happiness and anticipation of meeting each other for the first time. In less than a month, I booked my ticket on my credit card and flew up to Portland, OR to meet her for the first time. My heart dropped. She was beautiful. The ride back to our hotel for a 5 night stay was with her cuddling on my lap. It was a 70 mile drive to our hotel and it was late. When we finally were about to sleep, I made my move and I engaged in a passionate kiss and ended up giving her oral sex (first time I made any sexual contact). The lust began the next morning and, at the age of 27, gave my virginity to her. The rest of the weekend, as expected was bliss. Lots of sex, lots of cuddling, kissing, hand-holding...everything that I've been desperately seeking coming at me one moment after another. She introduced me to her uncle, who was a very right-wing, I love America guy (I'm Pakistani who was going through the motions of being a Muslim) On the day I flew out, we kissed at the airport with tears in our eyes, wondering when we will see each other again. Those days came a month later when she flew to New Mexico. Again, same passion for the weekend and tears when she left (long distance relationships for the loss). We continued our bi-monthly meetups (me flying up there most of the time) and everytime I went I experienced happiness that I still couldn't believe was happening. Finally after a year of back and forth, I moved up to be with her.
Upon moving up here, I got a job that I got laid off from two months later. So being in a new place with my support system a thousand miles away, I was alone. Except for her. She quickly moved in with me to support me and we were able to make a comfortable living on my unemployment while she worked 70 hours a week. I made sure her rest periods were good, however brief they were. The romance continued and our love strengthened. Finally, two years after first contact, I proposed to her in marriage. She said yes. I was so happy. And I had a new job (which would be a significant contributor to our undoing). We moved into a new place that we fell in love with and continued to cultivate our love. Meanwhile, the seeds of our undoing were planted at my new job led by a tyrant of a boss who reminded me a lot of the abuse I dealt with as a child. My boss made my life miserable, but my fiancee who eventually became my wife supported and loved me throughout the ordeal. Also, I had my first sexual experience at 27. So repeatedly engaging in sex was intimidating and scary at times (I came too fast, I didn't make her cum, I lost my erection, etc.). She was patient, but she did a good job of trying to teach me. The sex, while it wasn't regular, was good. Twice or three times per month.
This was the story of our lives...until on September 13, 2013 she dropped a huge bombshell (though it was anticipated)...she was pregnant with our first (and only) child. It was hard on both of us. My continued struggles with my job continued to chip away at our marriage but it was still good and felt like it was...indestructible. But I tested it severely. I got extremely passive aggressive (felt like she wasn't doing anything except sleeping and not doing anything else) and at times, became a total [censored] (first sledgehammer to our marriage foundation). Also, during this time, we did not have sex. I made it completely unromantic and let's be honest, who would want to [censored] an [censored]?
Our daughter was born three months premature. Which was an extremely challenging period in our lives. The repercussions linger to this day (another sledgehammer to our foundation). Our daughter turned out fine in the end after 46 agonizing days in the NICU, but another set of seeds were planted for our destruction.
By this time, our new normal was baby, work, baby, sleep, baby...very little sex (I was afraid of pregnancy) and no romance, even though I promised I wouldn't put the baby in front of her. This trend continued well into 2016, when my wife told me that something was wrong with our marriage and it needs attention. Being the stupid guy I was (I was so stupid...God...So stupid), I assumed that she was being over dramatic and focused more on my job, which was getting worse every single day. My depression was taking hold and nothing made me happy. My wife and my child were seen as folks I had to provide for and I had little joy in doing that, though I kept on doing it because I wanted them to not worry about eating. By then, I was also on medication to treat my depression (third sledgehammer...the cracks were visible) and my passive-aggressiveness barreled on. She kept begging me to get help to fix it, to go on dates and to be romantic...and she slowly started to give up...many times she was crying mourning the end of the relationship, and my idiot ass felt like everything was fine. By the fall of last year, she started to make changes to herself, changes that began to attract me to her again...but also dropped a bombshell and said something that I'd never thought she would say...she wanted to have "hall-pass" weekends. ended up out of my reach...possibly permanently on January 7 (and I'm sorry, but [censored] 2018), when she admitted to kissing a guy (who she said at the beginning of our relationship was considered cheating). We ended up starting on a temporary split with the intention of fixing ourselves and dating each other but I was shattered. I felt betrayed but I also knew why it happened. And we went into the separation telling ourselves that we'll check in at the three-month mark. It was going ok...until she met him in February on a "casual date". Well, you can now see where this is going. She claimed otherwise, but I knew that things between them were more than casual. I knew they were being physically intimate, just never could find proof. The "casual dating" eventually lead to "casual hanging out overnight" which now lead to her basically claiming the end of our relationship on...ironically...May 28, 2018. 10 years. And during this time, she basically flipped off marriage counseling. She was done.
I didn't believe it. I kept fooling myself into thinking there were still "little signs of hope". And maybe there were. But whenever I would try to talk about it would spiral into her saying "we're done. I'm seeing someone else now". And I didn't want to believe it. Then the overnights were occurring. None of my business. I knew I couldn't say anything. She was going to do what she wanted and needed for so long, and no one was telling her otherwise. Fast forward to three weeks ago. Where I had another meltdown when she said her dad was worried about me taking my daughter back to New Mexico or clean out our accounts. I said, I don't think we'd have to worry about that. Her defense mechanisms went up and said "WE'RE NOT ROMANTIC ANYMORE." I hit my limit and told her not to come home that night. Passive-aggressive again. Ok. I took what she said, but I still "felt" that there were signs. (Marriage vows on our living room wall, pictures of us, and holding hands). So I kept my hopes up while putting on a facade that yeah...it's over (but it's really not because hey...signs right?). Finally, when I was picking up my daughter on Saturday from a parade, she told me about "mommy and <him> holding hands". Broken. Shattered. I texted my wife and asked her not to show PDA in front of our daughter. She asked why. I told her that their relationship is none of my business but it hurts me (and it hurts BAD and she knows it's killing me) when I see our daughter seeing their PDA and her telling me.
Yesterday, I had three conversations with her. The first, was a brief 5 minute chat of me saying "I know why you're doing what you're doing. And I'm so sorry I drove you to that point. I don't know when I'll get my second chance with whoever, but I won't make the same mistake again". She got angry with me and asked me why I didn't talk to her about it the night before. Well...she was with <him>, I didn't know what they were doing and I didn't want to know and left them to their night. I'm not going to disturb their relations, as hard as it is to see that happening and as painful I have to think about it. Second chat, was in the afternoon. I was very depressed and she got mad at me for not giving our daughter the attention she is craving. She practically demanded that I get out and do stuff with her and get out of my depressive funk. It eventually led to us talking about our breakdown in our relationship and her crying yelling at me repeatedly saying "IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER!". Towards the end of the call, I just kept saying "I'm tired of this pain. I want it to stop. I want the pain to stop. I don't want this pain anymore." She said "It will be over soon."
The third and final conversation in the evening was after I visited her uncle (who just got over a split himself..seeing a wonderful woman now) and he told me that I need to completely let it go. But the trigger was when she brought <him> to meet the uncle, which made him uncomfortable (because he sympathized with my plight). When she called, I basically told her that I'm done being walked on and taken advantage of. But the words came out more aggressively and she knew where the source was. I listened to her yell at me while I had to say "I'm sorry for feeding off his rage and borrowing his problems". After the call, I held my head in my hands saying "I [censored] it up again". And after talking to him and him saying "You have to let her go and focus on yourself and your daughter bro", I called her and finally said that I am on the same page as her. That it's over. I was just in denial because of the many articles I read about reconciling and making it work.
So here I am. 98% convinced it's over and beginning to work on myself, with the other 2% tucking away hope...but it's a lot smaller now. Today, she has tried to engage in friendly conversation with me and for the most part I didn't respond. Only when she called about our daughter or financial matters. She is still trying to establish some kind of truce friendship with me (biggest example is her wanting to grow our house, decorating my room "Chair turned out great! Room stuff is great!")...and I am not responding. I can't. I'm afraid that she'll just say "Ok, [censored] him then. I don't care." I don't want to second guess anymore. I need to GAL. I need to cut it off except for times when our daughter is concerned. I'm starting (yet again) new. But this time, I know that it's over. Whatever happens next is in the hands of a power I have no comprehension of (God, Allah, holy spirit, etc.). I just have control over me.
But God, am I starved for physical attention. I feel sexually mature now. And I miss the cuddling...and I have no idea when I'll get that chance again. I want it so badly. I want my second chance. And I know it will be the last time because I vow not to make the same mistakes again...but I don't want another 18 years (I'm 37 now). The thought of another long dry spell and people telling me "You'll get your chance, you're a great person" makes me break down in tears and cry.
I don't want his pain anymore. I want it to stop. I want to love her (not necessarily my legal partner) again. I want it bad. And I don't know when I'll get that chance. I had a great thing and I ruined it. God...I ruined it.
So here I am...trying to get the little scraps of help and support and hope to make it another day. Everyone tells me "You'll come out stronger after this. This pain will be worth it. Watch.". I don't see it. I don't feel it. All I feel is pain, sadness, and despair.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Great place if you want constructive solutions that work if applied.
But this isn't a blind supportive pitty party. It wouldn't help you if it was.
"When does it end?"
From what I've taken from your story, it ends, when you embrace your God-given centered masculine energy. Women are not attracted to needy men. If for some reason they find themselves with one because they are low self esteem or for whatever reason, they will eventually lose attraction. It happens
So what are women attracted to? Not who do they love. They love their friend. They must feel attracted to their spouse. Read the above-mentioned books. Post here. Learn about co-dependency.
GAL, work on becoming that Self-assured, Driven man that only a fool would leave.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Pain, her uncle is right. You have to completely let go. Give her space and time. Read all of cadet's homework above. And get and read DB/DR. Pressure and pursuit WILL not work.
Also, please please please get the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It appears you have a severe case of NGS. In fact, I see a lot of the markers in your post.
One small request, as most here know I am happy to read and advise. But I do not tolerate language. So my request is to please not use bad language in your posting. As you can see, it is censored here anyway. Obviously, you do not have to abide by my request, but I thought I would ask.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Started (again) of the letting go process. The clock was reset two days ago when I finally said it to her that it was truly over. So, I started last night. I stayed at work and got some exercise and training done.
And I understand the foul language request. I will respect that rule.
Thank you all. The book is on its way (to be delivered today).
And thanks for the NGS book. I'm grabbing that too.
I am just wondering, is there ever too much crying that I can do? How much is considered a problem? I'm working on the GAL and addressing my NGS as well as letting go of what I can't control. I usually put up a strong front in front of W, but alone or with my support group, I tear up and sometimes let loose. It just hurts.
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you have reached the 100 posting/reply limit. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am just wondering, is there ever too much crying that I can do? How much is considered a problem? I'm working on the GAL and addressing my NGS as well as letting go of what I can't control. I usually put up a strong front in front of W, but alone or with my support group, I tear up and sometimes let loose. It just hurts.
Is this normal? When is it a problem?
Crying is the outward show of internal emotion. Let it out. Its the best way to finally deal with the emotions.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am a firm believer in crying it out. It is cathartic. It allows you to release all the stress that you're storing in your body and let it free. Cry all you want. Makes you stronger and more real and more authentic, which is pure gold.
I've been doing it on average three to four times per week. It's exhausting me. Everything is a trigger. GAL is difficult. Even after 7 months I expected to be better now, but I feel like I haven't made much progress. The trial separation broke down about a month ago because it hurt so much to see her and have her door closed to the bedroom we shared. It hurts when I think about her and the OM. It hurts to think what they're engaging in. It hurts that it's something I've been told repeatedly not to do.
It hurts. It's not fair. And I hate it. Am I being petty/childish? Probably. But right now, I don't care. I'm sorry.
