WW having affair and pushing for divorce

[DB346]

Thanks Neffer. All I ever wanted was to spend the rest of my life with her. I guess there was a part of me that hoped we would be able to agree on the separation agreement because there might be a chance that we might reconcile before we could file for D. But, the truth is that she is in a relationship with someone else and she is putting that relationship ahead of our son. I've had to comfort him multiple times when he's been in tears because he misses his mommy, and even when he's supposed to be with her she isn't there. It breaks my heart to see him hurting. I have to do what's best for him.

[ovrrnbw]

You don't have to file, it's just a suggestion. You need to choose for yourself.

Lawyers make more money when you do this, and they unfortunately have an interest that is different than yours.

Be calm, be yourself, and make your own decision.

[DB346]

Obviously I don't have to file, but school will start again soon and she is using the school year as an excuse to try to limit my time with him. I love my wife, but I can't make her love me...my only priority is my son.

[fade]

I often see people in your position give things up in a separation, ranging from kids, money, to the house, to try to somehow placate their wayward spouse in the hopes that this will avoid making them mad or make them want to come back. This never, ever works and is in fact the worst thing you can do for any outcome. If you get divorced, then you have given up everything to your WW for nothing and you will forever regret ever doing so. But it also makes reconciliation less likely - I have never, ever seen a WW want to come back after "winning" the divorce. They only ever seem to want to come back when they have no money, are losing the kids, cant find a good husband prospect and suddenly realize you are the best available option. And by that point, very few BH's I have worked with seemed to want them back!

The most 'successful' mindset I have seen for someone in your position is to give up any notion that you can control whether you divorce or reconcile. Being married is a consensus decision and you cant control their decisions. But you can control yourself and that is really what will determine how happy you will be either way. And luckily the actions you need to take are exactly the same - just take care of yourself and put yourself in the position of maximum strength, for yourself and for your kid.

And since you have an attorney, let them be the 'bad guy' in negotiations while you stay above the fray. Im not sure what your attorney is suggesting. I dont have any guidance on whether or not you should file under adultery, because every situation is too different. But here are some things you can do either way to help you gain your strength for any eventuality:

1. Keep detailed, daily documentation of time and activities with your kid. Do everything you can to wiggle yourself into more time with them while WW is in la la land with OM. Make sure to call or facetime every single day. Document if your WW blocks your communication. You should have an entry every single day, starting today.
2. Get a more consultations with the top attorneys in your area in order to get a wider range of advice on how filing under adultery could work, but also doing so prevents your WW from hiring them. If you are up front that you have an attorney but want other opinions they will give you more realistic advice rather than the sales job.
3. Look into emergency orders to stipulate no contact with dating partners and get right of first refusal.
4. Gather admissible evidence of adultery. You can hire a service to do electronic forensics to find proof on your jointly owned electronics and accounts. Or a PI to document what she is doing now. Look for even circumstantial evidence of alcohol, drugs (including prescriptions), DUI, leaving your kid alone or leaving your kids with OM. Hire a PI to run some background checks on OM. They can find things you can't. Have all of this in your back pocket for when the time is right.
5. Stick to your plan. Do the 180. No conversations without documentation. Accept that nothing you say can influence her in any way, and assume every single thing you say, text or email to her will be used against you and read out loud in court. Dont negotiate on anything you arent willing to lose. You can negotiate over the candle sticks. But custody and any other untouchables are stipulated in the filing and she can go talk to your lawyer about those things.
6. Take care of yourself, force yourself to get out and meet people, start an outdoor or physical hobby, eat super healthy and hit the weights hard. Slowly but surely you will feel (and look) much, much better, and situations always have a way of improving when your mental outlook improves.

[arsh18]

I read up Fade's advice a few times DB, sounds very solid, make sure you follow every step. I am going to look up older posts by Fade at some point, I am certain to learn things with his posts.
The WAS will never tell you truly what they want, it is just a terror tactic, trying to hurt you with words to instill fear in you to get something they want. You wouldnt know how serious she is with custody until you actually sit down with her to negotiate mediation or work thru lawyers. If she knows it will hurt you to instill thoughts of losing S then she is going to use it. Remember they are the other half of us who knows us the best, they also know which nerve to pinch to cause the worst pain. Stay strong, as time passes you will know what she really wants

[DB346]

Both of us already have lawyers...she retained hers within a week of leaving. I already have all the proof needed to prove adultery. I'm just not willing to give up my son and feel like she has forced me to not really have any other option but to file. She hasn't had OM around our son at all, but she leaves him with her parents most of the time on 'her days' to spend her time with OM. I've definitely asserted myself to spend more time with my son since confirming the affair. My ONLY priority right now is to do what's best for my son and fight for as much custody as I can get.

Saying all of that, I have definitely reached the point that I have accepted the end of my marriage. I don't think there is any scenario that doesn't end in D. Even if she did a complete 180 and wanted to R right now, I don't think I would be willing to take her back. I would still want, at the very least, the separation agreement with 50/50 custody and I wouldn't be willing to have her move back to the house. I'm not even sure I would want to date her, let alone resume our MR right now. I've spent every minute of free time, and then some since she left working on myself, while she has done nothing but lie, cheat and manipulate. I would need to see her make more of an effort than I think she is capable of doing to convince me. But, none of that matters because she is still actively involved with OM and we are almost completely NC.

I tried to have a conversation with her about custody before my last conversation with the lawyer, but she jumped in to gaslighting and blame-shifting, which came as no surprise. So, I'm done trying to discuss it with her. My lawyer is VERY pro-dad, and is also very familiar with WW's lawyer, so I trust her advice on this, even if it wasn't what I really wanted to do. I know that WW is betting that I won't pull the trigger because she still doesn't believe that I have let her go. I honestly believe that she thinks I'm still hoping that she will come back and that I won't push, but this was HER decision and I am not going to protect her from the fallout.

I'm definitely still hurting over the situation, but I have definitely 'dropped the rope'. I feel no attachment to her anymore. I'm comfortable with filing for divorce, I'm just uneasy and nervous about still ending up with minimal time with my son. She has no respect for me, and no concern for the pain she is causing me or our son, so I am not worried about her reaction to me filing for adultery.

[neffer]

Stay strong DB3. It´s hard but you must get your respect back.

[DB346]

Neffer,

I have gotten back my SELF-respect. She had made me doubt myself so much, for so long that I started to believe it. But, I have put the work in on myself since BD and I realize that I am a very good dad, and a good person/friend. I've lost like 75 lbs in a little over 3 months and physically feel much better. IC and church have been very good for me mentally and spiritually. I'm doing the things I need to do, even when I don't want to, because I am determined to come out of this better than I ever was.

I thought I had married the woman of my dreams. We have a beautiful son, we own a home, both have good jobs. But, it wasn't enough for her. I won't beg her, or anyone else to love me. Trying to play nice isn't going to get me anywhere. The consequences for her choices are hers, and she can deal with them. I just have to do what's best for my son and myself, even if it means filing for a divorce that I never wanted.

[DB346]

Lawyer forwarded me the draft of the Complaint for Divorce, and the Motion for Temporary Hearing regarding custody...it was really painful to read. I never wanted this, but I feel like I don't have a choice. If she would have just done the right thing and agreed to 50/50 custody I would have been happy to sign a separation agreement and let things play out as they will. But, now I feel like she's forced me to do this. I can't help but feel like this is what she wanted all along.

I haven't given the approval to file it yet. I wanted to take the weekend to think and pray about it, but I don't see what alternative I have at this point...

[DB346]

Emailed lawyer the approval to file...That was very hard to do, but I feel like I don't really have a choice. Just having a very hard day.