Responding to AS's previous post in the old thread.
We want what we can't have. She can read me better than I can read myself. Short of dying or leaving the country, I'm not exactly sure what I can do for her to REALLY think that she does not have me.
Or is it that I just need to be so busy with my life that I don't have time for her?
Last edited by burned; 08/14/1807:41 PM. Reason: clarified
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
OK folks. NC since Monday, last thing I said was "See you Wednesday, hope you're well," which is something I say to people I run into at the grocery store (ILY is forbidden per DR book). Her response: "I hope you are too." Not reading anything into that, it's her standard response.
MC tonight. Not going to draw attention to anything. My changes are probably obvious to her. Not pursuing for 48 hours is a new record, I'm sure she is aware.
As far as I understand, my assignment is validate, validate, validate. I don't know what she'll bring up, or what MC will ask us to talk about. Lately it has been past problems, rather than future solutions. Validate, validate, validate. No expectations. No pursuit, no interrogations, and especially nothing that makes her feel obligated or guilty. Confidence, self-respect, positive mental attitude, and smiles. Not going to bring up the empty house. Not going to bring up the fact that I notice her moving ever so slightly closer. Not going to mention the dog or how proud I was of myself for taking better care of the dog than she expected (she was quite pleased that I bathed and trimmed the dog, and that is a DEFINITE 180 for me). Not mentioning my GAL activities, few though they are.
Anything I missed? Trying not to mess up LRT/darkness, since it appears to be working ever so slightly.
One month since NC with OM (presumably). Almost 2 months since S. I think this is about the time she might start missing me? Sorry, still focused on her, but this is my one day a week that issues actually get discussed, so I want to make the most of it.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Responding to AS's previous post in the old thread.
We want what we can't have. She can read me better than I can read myself. Short of dying or leaving the country, I'm not exactly sure what I can do for her to REALLY think that she does not have me.
Or is it that I just need to be so busy with my life that I don't have time for her?
yes.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OK folks. NC since Monday, last thing I said was "See you Wednesday, hope you're well," which is something I say to people I run into at the grocery store (ILY is forbidden per DR book).
So 180 on that.
"See you Wednesday."
All business.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One month since NC with OM (presumably). Almost 2 months since S. I think this is about the time she might start missing me? Sorry, still focused on her, but this is my one day a week that issues actually get discussed, so I want to make the most of it.
No clue. It could take 5 minutes, it could take 5 years. You're right you are focused on the wrong thing. And that will come through tonight whether you think you hide it or not.
No matter how much time since S, can you honestly say you've been absent enough for her to miss you?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No matter how much time since S, can you honestly say you've been absent enough for her to miss you?
Nope. But I'm trying to tread lightly on that one. I was too absent during the M, far too clingy/needy after BD, thereby triggering S. Yet I was also somewhat critical and controlling during M, so there was an element of pressure there, too.
All I know for sure, assuming there's a causal connection, is that on Thursday last week I told her about how I stood up for myself at work. She called that date a "win," and by Saturday she was reaching out to me. Then back to NC, obviously, with the exception of a few texts over the weekend that I responded to cordially without bringing up MR. On Sunday she asked me how I was doing, and I avoided it, and she asked again because she wanted to know, I said "OK" and she said, "Just OK?" So I told her I was happy. Then Monday morning a bunch of really elated texts thanking me for taking such good care of the dog. Then "See you Wednesday," etc.
Then the empty house, which was probably as hard for me as it was easy for her.
Summary: still super nervous about LRT because it's just counterintuitive. She says she's ambivalent, if I disappear then I've made the decision for her and off she goes...
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
LRT is for specific set of circumstances, and I don't think your sitch is there yet. Focus on loving detachment.
Note you said "I was too absent during the M". What you are describing is being checked out, unplugged, disconnected. Note, detachment is NONE of those things.
This is a common mistake by those new to DBing. They think detachment = LRT = checking out of the MR. That isn't true.
Detachment means you do not react EMOTIONALLY to what she says and does. To get there you follow a simple set of rules:
1) You DO NOT initiate contact. 2) Do not feel obligated to respond to everything she texts, calls, or emails about. 3) If she asks a question answer in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions should get a yes or no. 4) Drop pleasantries. "Have a nice day. " "I hope you're having fun. " all unnecessary 5) When you are with her you are confident, pleased, present, responsive, upbeat. but limit your words. Increase the quality of your words but reduce the quantity.
Unplugging from a MR is not detachment. Please google self-differentiation in marriage. that is what you are after.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks, that is helpful. I've been getting confused between this forum, vs. DR book (which is at least 15-20 years old), vs. advice from the Getting Back Together book, which has an excellent chapter on loving detachment.
I know the emphasis is on becoming a better me. I've been working really hard at that. She has commented that she appreciates how hard I'm working. BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS! I know.
But I'm also terrified that this will fail.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Thanks, that is helpful. I've been getting confused between this forum, vs. DR book (which is at least 15-20 years old), vs. advice from the Getting Back Together book, which has an excellent chapter on loving detachment.
I know the emphasis is on becoming a better me. I've been working really hard at that. She has commented that she appreciates how hard I'm working. BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS! I know.
But I'm also terrified that this will fail.
Here is the thing. IT won't fail. She may FAIL to come back to the MR, but detaching will make you okay with that.
As so many have said already, the point of detachment isn't to manipulate her. If that is your goal then it will fail. The goal should be to prepare you for either eventuality. You detach. She'll either come around or she won't but the process of detaching will prepare you to be ok with that too. Read ballast's latest thread discussion for an excellent discussion on this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
