But she cheated right? And she was the one who wanted out right? And she is still seeing the OM right? In my mind, that means she should get out.
It seems like what you're doing is kinda working though, right? I'm not sure what to think about this, but others may weigh in as well.
She did cheat. She admitted as much when this thing got started. AFAIK, she is still seeing OM. To what extent, I don't know. I don't have proof of PA. And when I snooped in phone records in June, there were a lot of calls made to OM. So I know there was/is some EA going on, despite her saying "it's casual".
She never made it clear that she wanted out. She did make it obvious that she wanted to "date" and wanted me to do the same thing (I did for a period of two weeks...and I stopped it because I felt disgusted with myself).
That being said, I'm working hard on being a man that a fool would leave. She's sensing that. And she knows that I'm making changes for bettering myself. And she has always known that I deserve a second chance at love again. So the clock is still ticking.
Would love feedback from others on my sitch. You've been very helpful ovrrnbw. It feels good to know that the changes I'm making are healthy ones.
So here's my take, and this is basic attraction 101. She cheats and the relationship is on the rocks. Regardless of what happened before, she chose this. Did she not vow for better or for worse? She suggests you date too and this is to make her feel better about her dating. Then somehow she gets you out of the house because things are on the rocks. Well yea, cheating seems to have that effect. I'd move back in and possibly tell her to get out You're proud of your home, why should you leave it?
She's not being mean to your face, but her actions are certainly mean and disrespectful. Your daughter gets part time parents as a result. Her knowing you deserve a "second chance at love" doesn't mean she is going to give it to you. And until she does, and that's a big if, you don't need to plan around her.
I'd go back to my place full time and tell her why. I'd tell her that a cheater and adulterer shouldn't get to wreck the home and still get the run of the place. I'd say that one time, as calmly as possible, and not get drawn into arguments further down the road.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Deep down, she didn't want me out of the house. I did. Because I hate it when she closes her bedroom door. I know she's talking to someone (OM, her friend, her parents, IDGAF). I felt that getting out of the house was a necessary step for me to GAL. And as heartbreaking it is not to be with D4, I have to do it. For myself. I love my time to myself. I love going to the gym and not having to worry about running home to tend to their needs while setting aside mine. I love being able to just do stuff.
She hates me being out of the house. She tells me to stay because we need to "clean the house and we won't have time since I'll be out" or some other reason. At times, she'll ask me to sleep in her bed because her mom can sleep in my (inferior) bed.
She is fighting her feelings on this whole situation. I can still sense it. And she is losing her control over me, despite her attempts. But SHE will be the one who comes to me when she is ready to R.
Until then, I'll continue to DB. I'll continue to GAL. I'll continue to work on my NGS. And I'll continue to learn the techniques to show love the way my future W deserves. Because I'm not going to make the same mistakes again.
Well I thought my post was full of great stuff, but I don't think your post is wrong. I think you know your situation best. You're doing this for your reason, and not hers. You're doing the GAL thing and I like what I am hearing from you buddy.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You have valuable information, ovrrnbw. I appreciate it.
Each sitch is unique, but follows the same journey. I don't know what's going on in her head and I've spend many a week trying to figure it out. But after trying and trying to influence her, plead with her, etc. I formally surrendered. Since my surrender, I have not brought up anything regarding our situation, R efforts, OM, none of it. I want to make it one month in which I can just be. I have also seen that her ACTIONS are saying more than mere words will ever say. I'm hoping they continue. I like where this is going, but as Steve85 has said time and time again..."Marathon, not sprint"
My heart yearns for her, but she isn't seeing much of that anymore. Only myself, my parents, and you folks know my true feelings and desires. I haven't given up hope because I'm seeing the signs of it dotted everywhere. But I'm learning to take it one minute at a time.
You have valuable information, ovrrnbw. I appreciate it.
Each sitch is unique, but follows the same journey. I don't know what's going on in her head and I've spend many a week trying to figure it out. But after trying and trying to influence her, plead with her, etc. I formally surrendered. Since my surrender, I have not brought up anything regarding our situation, R efforts, OM, none of it. I want to make it one month in which I can just be. I have also seen that her ACTIONS are saying more than mere words will ever say. I'm hoping they continue. I like where this is going, but as Steve85 has said time and time again..."Marathon, not sprint"
My heart yearns for her, but she isn't seeing much of that anymore. Only myself, my parents, and you folks know my true feelings and desires. I haven't given up hope because I'm seeing the signs of it dotted everywhere. But I'm learning to take it one minute at a time.
Your heart yearns for a person that is openly cheating on you?!? And treating you like a fool! wtf??
You need to cut bait and go live YOUR best life! As soon as you do and you are no longer "yearning" for a cheater then she will see that she game is up and panic! That is when she will start pursuing you! That is when you get to decide whether you can live the rest of your life with a cheater or want something better. I decided to tell my waw to kick rocks. You may decide differently.
DBing isn't about tricks or smoke and mirrors its about becoming someone that the leaver would give anything to get back in their lives. You have to stop doing stuff to try and win the cheater back and start doing stuff for YOU!
Me: 39 W: 38 S: 15 D: 12 D: 6 BD 8/15 NEED SPACE S 2/16 Divorced 4/17 and loving it, waw came back 12/17.....I declined
It yearns for her because I still see my old W. I have no proof of what's going on or what level of A is happening. For all I know, it may not be happening at all. I don't know that and I'm not going to bang my head thinking about what she is doing. I know what I want right now when it comes to myself and when it comes to her. Maybe my tune will change next week, or next month. I don't know.
I'm just taking it one day at a time with me. For her...that's her issue to iron out.
And I'm not doing anything to "win" her back. I'm not sacrificing my wants and needs to get her. I'm doing what I can to heal myself and give me the best chance at getting my happiness back. All the better if W is back in the picture.
No change in my strategies. No change in my hopes. No change in my efforts to Detach and GAL.
The problem is that you still see her as your old W...
Let me ask you this:
If she would've cheated on you the night before your wedding would you still have married her?
If the answer is no, then why tolerate this behavior now??? If anything she should be more committed to you after 7 years of marriage not less!!
She is living in some half a$$ fantasy world where she is the starlet of her own little romance movie!!
Stop playing your roll and the whole script gets thrown out!
You may not want to hear this but until you are detached 100% she will continue to play games with you. Once you legitimately detach i.e. no longer "yearn" for her you will be shocked at how quickly the tables turn.
Me: 39 W: 38 S: 15 D: 12 D: 6 BD 8/15 NEED SPACE S 2/16 Divorced 4/17 and loving it, waw came back 12/17.....I declined
One additional thing. And this was a detail I forgot to mention last week, but it does bear saying:
When I was preparing for our camping trip, I needed to take my futon mattress (because I'm not a man and can't sleep on the ground) with me. W entered the room and I paused a little to take the mattress off. W asked if she should leave. I said yes. Why?
Because there were three self-help books I am reading (not DB/DR). One of the books was on how to handle an affair.
Here is the twist...she knows those books are there. Why? Because she changed my bed sheets last week. And in order for her to remove my old bed sheet, she had to actually lift the mattress to unzip the old cover. She had to have seen the books. She does know what I am perceiving as far as she goes. And I'm not sure if it's coincidence or not, but her behaviors have become more pronounced (in my favor) since.
Again, making a mountain out of a molehill, but figured I should provide that detail to you.
EDIT: Saw your response. And I'm still working on the Detachment process. She doesn't know my feelings. She can assume. But she does not KNOW. From my understanding, she can obsess what I'm doing all she wants. AFAIK, I'm GAL and detaching. It's only been 24 days. This is a months long process.
