I have a similar story to most here. W and I been together for 17 years, married 15 years, and have two daughters (8,12). We have had a lot of external stress this year. I knew things weren't great, but I chalked it up to that stress.
We were in the process of relocating to a different state. We had a hard time finding and getting approval on the right lot in the other state. Then, we have had our house on the market for 6 months without a single offer.
W decided that it would be good idea for them to move to the other state before the school year started. I didn't necessarily love the idea, but I agreed for the girls. They moved 7/15 (the other state is down south, so the school year starts early). I stayed behind to take care of the house we were selling.
On 8/10 my wife told me that she had been thinking about it for awhile, but realized after she had been away that she didn't miss me and didn't love me anymore. On Monday she started talking about steps for a divorce. My birthday was Wednesday, and I spent part of the day doing divorce planning. Great birthday for me.
My situation is unique in that W is in the other state, and I have no way of showing her my changes. I actually started making changes before her call on 8/10. I had started dieting and exercising again. I have lost 17 pounds since 7/15, so I'm probably in the best shape I've been in since before our first child was born. I quit chewing tobacco (which she always hated) on 8/1. That resulted in me getting to better early and getting proper rest, since nicotine is an adrenaline stem and made me a night owl.
Like most, I missed the signs that the marriage was in dire shape. I don't see any signs of EA. I do have great trust in my wife in that regard. Plus, she know wants to move back to where we live now, so it's hard for me to believe she found somebody in the other state. Like most, I also have great regrets. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently. I became complacent, and I should have tried harder to do the little things to keep our connection. I've also built up a healthy dose of bitterness. I don't understand how she could do this without even being interested in reconcilation/counseling.
We're in a difficult situation because now I have to pay back all of the money that my company paid for the relocation (after depleting our savings on builder cost), and we have to complete the house in the other state and hope we can sell it right away or face double mortgages that we would be hard to afford. Plus, the girls love living in the other state, and she wants to keep the girls down there through the school year. I'm not really sure what to do or say about that.
I understand the concept of getting a life and detaching. It makes for an easier transition, but I wonder if it's good at all to hang on to hope. It seems WAW are the hardest to turn around, and as I read the threads, I don't see a lot of success stories.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome Harvey. And sorry you are hear, but this forum is full of wonderful, caring folks that have been through the battles of this stuff already (some of us more than once!) and can give you interesting perspectives to consider.
This jumped out at me
Quote
My situation is unique in that W is in the other state
First we all think our sitches are so uniquely unique that we shouldn't DB. YOu need to get over that. All WASs are in another "state" mentally. Physical proximity doesn't matter. In fact, being separated physically can actually be a huge advantage! Especially in helping to detach.
You said "she won't see my changes". So? We are constantly telling newcomers here that DBing is for YOU, not her benefit. If you do it just to manipulate her you will be terrible at it and it won't work.
So detach....FOR YOU. GAL.....FOR YOU. 180 on bad behaviors....FOR YOU! Your W will either come around to wanting to work on things.....or she won't. But you will ok no matter what she decides. And trust me, they still take notice. Whether it is the phone communications, text communications, how interact with the kids (even long distance), and through email, if you are instituting the DB changes she will eventually take notice. But you have to do it for you no matter whether she ever notices or not.
Now make sure you do all of the reading cadet sent. Great stuff in that first post.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the response, Steve. I get that the changes are for me. It almost seems like having no hope makes the changes completely about me. The having hope part keeps the changes about her (partially, at least). I have been GAL and detaching as much as I can. I've been keeping busy. Talking to and hanging out with old friends, golfing tomorrow for the first time in awhile, joined a Lifegroup at church that's dedicated to serving. My emotions are all over the place. One moment I'm sad. Then, happy about my changes at other times. Regrets about things I should have done. A healthy bitterness (healthy because I'm not completely blaming myself) at other times. Then, a peace that things will turn out fine and that God has great plans for me.
It sounds like you are doing the right things and are in pretty good shape given the recency of BD. Getting out and keeping up a social network like you are is absolutely crucial. In terms of the emotions, everything you are experiencing is completely normal, the stages of grief. Trust me that as time goes on the swings won't be quite as wild, the good hours and good days will start to outnumber the bad ones. That said, don't deny the emotions or try to run from them. Sit with them and let yourself feel them.
Hang in there. It will get easier.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I know others have struggled with the hope issue. It is kind of like buying a mega lotto ticket. You know the chances are very slim of winning, minute even. But you do it anyway "just in case". The only difference is that while buying a lotto ticket means you are out the cost of the ticket, you don't really lose anything by DBing.....and gain everything.
Separate hope from DBing.
I am going to DB because it is the best option (since pursuit and pressure DO NOT WORK. There is always at least a sliver of hope that my WAS will come around.
They do not have to be tied together. They can be mutually exclusive.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W decided that it would be good idea for them to move to the other state before the school year started. I didn't necessarily love the idea, but I agreed for the girls. They moved 7/15 (the other state is down south, so the school year starts early). I stayed behind to take care of the house we were selling.
On 8/10 my wife told me that she had been thinking about it for awhile
I'm really sorry you're going through this. You mentioned later that she wants to move back now? I would definitely support her in that, because if she stays in another state your child custody may be zero. If she moves back you have a much better shot at an equal custody agreement. I know this is tough right now, but you should consult a lawyer to discuss this because if she doesn't move back you need a plan of action.
Quote
My situation is unique in that W is in the other state, and I have no way of showing her my changes.
Oh you'd be surprised. We've had people here before who were dealing with a WAS in a different state or even different country and it's amazing just how much the WAS knows about what the LBS is up to. WAS's love to talk about how they are done and finished with the LBS while secretly asking friends and family about them and snooping on their social media accounts. A classic WAS move is to block the LBS from social media and then use friends to snoop on their feeds anyway. One thing we don't talk about much here is that Sandi's rules apply as much to your online behavior as your in-person behavior. Always conduct yourself online with dignity and respect. Act "as if" you've moved on, and all of other Sandi's rules.
Quote
I had started dieting and exercising again. I have lost 17 pounds since 7/15, so I'm probably in the best shape I've been in since before our first child was born. I quit chewing tobacco (which she always hated) on 8/1. That resulted in me getting to better early and getting proper rest, since nicotine is an adrenaline stem and made me a night owl.
Awesome start on your 180's! Just keep in mind that initially she'll think "too little too late" or that they are just tricks to get her back. Stick to your 180's over the long haul and eventually she'll know they're real.
Quote
I've also built up a healthy dose of bitterness. I don't understand how she could do this without even being interested in reconcilation/counseling.
Well she may have expressed it to you, but not in ways that were obvious to you. My XW suggested counseling before she BD'd me, but I completely misunderstood what she meant. I thought she was worried about ME leaving! I told her we didn't need MC, because I had no plans on leaving. Little did I know that she was thinking about it. Anyway, many WAS's have trouble communicating, they think they are telling us by dropping hints but they don't realize we don't understand hints.
Quote
Plus, the girls love living in the other state, and she wants to keep the girls down there through the school year. I'm not really sure what to do or say about that.
OK that's too long. Definitely talk to a lawyer, because if they are there that long then you may lose your rights. A court is likely to say "well you didn't take action for a year, so you must not have missed your children as much as you're saying or you would have fought for them right away."
Please do not fall into the trap of thinking you should let your W do whatever she wants because that'll make recon a better possibility. It is in fact the opposite, the more you fight for your kids the more respect she will have for you (even though she will complain about it).
Quote
I understand the concept of getting a life and detaching. It makes for an easier transition, but I wonder if it's good at all to hang on to hope. It seems WAW are the hardest to turn around, and as I read the threads, I don't see a lot of success stories.
Most of the stories here are success stories. If you mean "recon" stories then yeah, not all stories here end in recon. BUT, many don't end in recon because the LBS moves on and by the time the WAS decides they are interested in recon, the LBS no longer is. I've seen it happen MANY times. The WAS leaves, the LBS mourns, then builds a new life, then becomes strong and independent and happy, then suddenly the WAS comes crawling back. What does the LBS think? I've heard them say it right here- "That was the worst misery I've ever been through, but I survived and even thrive now and am stronger than ever, why would I want to potentially put myself through that again?" If you ask people here if they are willing to wait a month for the WAS to return they will all tell you yes. 6 months, most would still say yes. A year? Many will say no. 2 years? 3 years? 5 years? Yes it can indeed take that long, and no, most people do not have the willingness or patience to give it that long. If you're willing to give it that long your chances of recon are better than you think.
But my concern is really not your W.. Your girls emotional state. I should know I have almost triplets Kids say am ok ... they are not We love it here... we hate it..
Please please get your girls.. WAW or MLC seem to put themselves first. I know you going to say. My W loves our girls my W puts them first
Honestly any W/H that checks out starts to get a habit. Example smoking yelp my W hated cigarettes guess what W smokes now..alot
And oh let's not start with they love to party like a teenagers drinking and all..
Not trying to scare you but just imagine if W died what would you done with the girls and you. Would you giving girls up or step it up.
This forum has saved me mentally but many forget when kids are involved we can't GAL we can GALWK with kids. I now do so much with my kids I never thought I worked so much I miss all the first time, I promise them no more I am not missing out on the most important time of their life. Our kids are starting to become little people finding themselves.
Harvey please get your girls back. I would contact a lawyer ti send W an email stating you didn't expect her to stay but you can't stop her but you want girls back with you.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
I'm really struggling right now. I thought I'd have a fun night out with some friends that I haven't seen for awhile. WW was pleasant today. Cordial in emails. Liked a couple of my FB posts. Not that I expected her to change her mind, but it was at least nice to see some thawing. However, I think she's buttering me up because I haven't put a stop to any of her plans. I told her that we needed to talk about the situation. I've heard enough people tell me to get the girls back. I forgot to mention above that we live in Minnesota and we were moving to Georgia, but that she wants to move to her hometown in North Dakota with the girls after the divorce. So far, she has tore me life apart, cost me tens of thousands of dollars, wants to keep the girls in Georgia through the year, wants to have primary custody, and then move to North Dakota. Meanwhile, she thinks that I'll follow her to North Dakota to be close to the girls. I will be talking to a DL first thing on Monday to see what my options are. So far, I have been overly sensitive to her state and not put my foot down on anything. However, this is another reason I think I need to proceed thinking there is no hope. It might give me a backbone. What can I do at this point? I don't want things to get ugly, so I want to fight the important battles. Those would seem to be: 1) not letting the girls stay in Georgia all year, 2) not giving up joint custody, 3) not letting railroad me into letting her take the girls to North Dakota. I have heard that if you are a good father nowadays that you generally get joint custody. Is that true? How can I stop this mess without things getting ugly? What is the likely outcome of not settling out of court on the divorce settlement? I have no idea how the legal process would go.
Harvey, Speaking from experience in my first divorce; never give up joint custody- be there for your kids if your work schedule allows. Also, not entirely familiar with your situation, but WAW is not allowed to take kids wherever she wants to live. Kids fall under jurisdiction of their home state, and unless she can prove moving is in the best interest of the kids, then you have every right to have her stay in the home state or she can give up custody.
