Hey all, I am new here but have been reading many posts on this site for months now. My story is long so I will keep it short and get to the point. Husband had an affair while working 4 hours away for work for a few months. I was 5 months pregnant at the time with our first child, thought everything was great, and he came home one weekend and dropped the bomb that he was no longer in love with me and wanted a divorce. OUT. OF. NOWHERE. This was September 2017.
He changed his mind the next day, didnt want to divorce, wanted to work on things. Said I didnt appreciate him or respect him enough, etc. I promised to work on everything. He left to go back to another city for work and 24 hours later said he changed his mind again and wanted separation. This changed a few more times over the course of a few months, fast forward to December, he receives a text from a woman while we are in bed one night and I see it. He admits to an inappropriate relationship, says it never got physical. Immediately says he will quit his job and never go back.
I agree to that, only to find them continuing to speak a few weeks later. At this point I was about 8 months pregnant, and I catch them speaking 2 more times before baby comes. Each time him promising to stop. Our beautiful daughter was born in February, and by April 1st my insecurities had gotten the best of me for the last time. i told him I thought they were still talking, he said they werent but that he didnt think id ever get past it and that he didnt think we could work. He said we want different things, etc.2 days later I found out he was down visiting her, staying with her for 2 nights. From then on we have had make ups and break ups and me asking him to leave, him leaving and coming back. Him wanting us to work on rebuilding our relationship, to him not caring at all, back and forth back and forth. Currently he lives at home, sleeps on the couch, and seems to frequent the dive bars as much as humanly possible before coming home each night. I have officially started the 180 and am about 3 weeks in. I do feel better about myself, I of course have my moments. But my question is, is it recommended to do the 180 if he is possibly still involved in speaking with OW? I am at a point where snooping isnt going to happen because it brings me down too much emotionally, and at this point I dont feel like we are at a place where I am allowed to care. The time we do spend together with our baby is enjoyable, although it is not much at all. I dont know if he is confused as hell, in the "fog", completely out of love with me, or what. It is like an alien life form has taken over my husbands body in the last year. I want our marriage, I want my husband, and I have hope that somehow we can rebuild a new relationship. We havent been intimate in about 2 weeks (initiated by him). We act very much like friendly fun roommates or like just very friendly people raising a baby together now that I am doing the 180.
Prior to that I was switching on and off, one day being nice, the next id look at the OW's social media, come to assumptions, and basically tear his head off. ONE of the times I asked him to leave the house a few months ago, we had a very long conversation, both crying, both hating that we were in this position, and i told him I needed for him to leave the house and live somewhere else so I could try to fall out of love with him. He was very understanding and in the following days he texted me nonstop telling me how scared he was to lose us etc. We ended up getting together a few days later and just starting the cycle over again.
Its like as soon as he has contact with me in a good way, he feels okay again and goes right back to this new way of life. I am ok with him living in our home and us being how we are right now, as I am trying to be patient and really take my time doing the 180. But if me doing the 180 is only giving him the freedom to speak to the OW then thats pretty terrifying for me. I guess what im here for is some advice as to how to keep my sanity while being patient doing this. I know the 180 is for ME, and in that aspect it is helping.
I am GAL more, (hard to do with a 6 month old baby), but I am doing things for me, working out, living healthy, etc. But I do really hope this can help towards our relationship as well. I knowwwww it could take a LOT of time. I just need some encouragement through it maybe, suggestions, advice. My husband and I have been together almost 9 years, married almost 3. He has been AMAZING to me up until all of this. We had just bought our first home, got pregnant as we were trying, and all of a sudden my world exploded. I hope i am making the right moves, I am giving him his complete and total freedom, I am asking NO questions, I am living my life as best I can (I could work on that though), and I am trying to focus more on me and less on what he may or may not be doing. It is not easy with a new baby and the expectations I had for us as new parents and all the fun things we would do together. Its as if he has changed his perception of me completely and he says we are cut from a different cloth and he wants to go to the bar after work for drinks, and he doesnt care about owning a home anymore.
He has decided he cant give me the life HE ALL OF A SUDDEN THINKS I want, even though Ive told him I dont care about any of that as long as we have eachother. He has made me out to be something im not in his mind, it is very very bizarre. I cant change how he feels and I cant control what he does, so I just hope to get some words of wisdom as to what I can do. When he comes home at 3am, I used to flip out. Now I just see him the next morning and am upbeat, ask him nothing, act no different. I am trying. All advice, suggestions, REASSURANCES I am on an ok path are welcomed. Sometimes I can tell he has curiosity as to what Im doing, and sometimes I can tell he could care less.
He will still cook us dinner some nights, etc. Just living in limbo for now!
Last edited by Cadet; 08/24/1806:42 PM. Reason: carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Kech, welcome. I responded to your post in my thread, and as promised I am here to give you some of my perspective.
Fatherood is a strange thing for men. And for some men it can freak them out. I know when my W got pregnant with our D it caused some profound changes in me. I never worried about my health before that, but once she was pregnant I scheduled my first physical exam since I was in Junior High schoo! Likely some of this was triggered by the thought of being a father. Especially if he came from a home where there were problems. Maybe his father wasn't a very good father and he worried about making the same mistakes. Or maybe he viewed his father as being an older, broken down man and felt that fatherhood meant the same for him. While none of this changes what you need to do, it is just that the timing of his waywardness seems to correlate with becoming a father.
Your husband is a wayward husband. He is trying to keep his family intact for what that provides and avoids (he now would be on the hook for child support for the next 18 years). But he wants to have his "fun" on the side too. We don't get a lot of WH stories here, but as with WWs he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. Your goal should be to remove his cake.
First, no more intimacy. You are putting your own health in jeopardy. A woman that would sleep with another man's W probably would sleep with more than one man too. Your H's behavior with OW, and OW's potentially being promiscuous means that when you have sex with your H you are being exposed, potentially, to a lot of other people. That is dangerous. I would schedule a doctor's appointment to get yourself tested for STDs, and shut down sexual contact with him until you can be absolutely sure he is no longer sleeping with anyone else. And you should insist on him getting tested for STDs too. (By the way, I just heard a new STD has been found in other countries that is a flesh eating STD. Exposing yourself this way is not worth it.)
Second, I see some hope because he seems to not want to lose you. Again, this could be motivated by various things (not wanting to pay support, etc) but you can use that to your advantage. Lots of WASs here couldn't care less if they lose their spouse, and in fact that is what they want. Yet DBing still has a profound effect on those WASs. So imagine how well it can work for the WASs that are afraid of losing their spouse!
SO yes, you need to GAL to the best of your ability. The good news is that 6 month olds are old enough to be left with babysitters. SO take advantage of that. Start getting out meeting new people, doing new thiings. It sounds like your sole existence has been as his H and now your baby's mother. FInd another identity that is just for you! There are endless possibilities out there. One of the best is joining a gym and getting exercise. If he is afraid of losing you the thought of you going to a gym will terrify him!
Keep up the 180s. It doesn't sound like you had a lot to 180 on. But do an honest assessment. If you were a bit of nag, stop nagging. If you were always fussing about him making messes, stop. 180 on any toxic behavior that you can find.
And detach. Read the detachment thread. Read sandi's rules. Employ all that you read. You will be present, upbeat, pleasant, happy and fulfilled, just like you have been being. But do not start conversations. When speaks, listen and validate. If he asks questions by all means answer them. But avoid MR and R talks like the plague. If he initiates one go into name, rank and serial number mode, only listening and validating. Read the validation thread. Have some of those responses at the ready.
Finally, stop focusing on him. Start focusing more on yourself. Stop letting him be the H in your life. I know that sounds harsh but waywards are a little different than normal walkaways in that they need some tough love. They need to see their actions have consequences. They need to see that they have something to lose. So start making dinner just for you and baby, let him fend for himself.
When he says things like "I can't fulfill you needs" just validate. "I am sorry you feel that way." or "I understand how that could make you feel frustrated." Neither agree or disagree, just validate his feelings.
And as you said, yes this is going to take a long time. Just dig in for the long haul. You will get through it. One day you'll look back on this and it won't seem so bad anymore. Just take it one day at a time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Husband had an affair while working 4 hours away for work for a few months. I was 5 months pregnant at the time with our first child, thought everything was great, and he came home one weekend and dropped the bomb that he was no longer in love with me and wanted a divorce. OUT. OF. NOWHERE.
We've seen too many stories here like yours of men doing this to their pregnant wife. I find it despicable, I hope karma returns the favor to them ten times over. Bringing children into the world is a difficult and stressful time, but having a fling is NOT the way to deal with it.
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He changed his mind the next day, didnt want to divorce, wanted to work on things. Said I didnt appreciate him or respect him enough, etc. I promised to work on everything. He left to go back to another city for work and 24 hours later said he changed his mind again and wanted separation. This changed a few more times over the course of a few months, fast forward to December, he receives a text from a woman while we are in bed one night and I see it. He admits to an inappropriate relationship, says it never got physical.
One thing many of us men here can tell you is most men don't appreciate what they have in their W until they lose her, then suddenly they wake up to what they just lost and they freak out. I truly think the best thing you can do for recon chances is boot him out and don't let him come back for 6 months minimum no matter how much he begs and pleads and promises. He needs counseling and that should be one of the many boundaries you put into place as a condition he must meet before you're willing to work on the M again. Another should be zero contact with OW. Another should be full phone transparency, as in he will hand his phone over any time you ask so you can review his messages.
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He said we want different things, etc.
Yup, you want an honest, loyal marriage and he wants to drink and party and sleep with whoever he wants. Definitely on different pages there.
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is it recommended to do the 180 if he is possibly still involved in speaking with OW?
180s just mean reversing your own bad behavior so yes, do those regardless because they are as much for you as for him.
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It is like an alien life form has taken over my husbands body in the last year. I want our marriage, I want my husband, and I have hope that somehow we can rebuild a new relationship. We havent been intimate in about 2 weeks (initiated by him). We act very much like friendly fun roommates or like just very friendly people raising a baby together now that I am doing the 180.
I think you're allowing him to cake-eat. He gets all the benefits of a marriage to you while also having his little fling with OW. That really must stop.
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When he comes home at 3am, I used to flip out. Now I just see him the next morning and am upbeat, ask him nothing, act no different.
He's pretty young to be going through MLC but it sure sounds like that's what is happening. He's like a petulant child. I don't think starting fights with him every night is the answer, but again I'll say you should consider kicking him out. Just politely but firmly tell him that you will not accept a marriage to someone who goes out partying every night and sleeping on the couch and messing with other women and you have had enough and he needs to pack up and get out. PERIOD.
That advice may sound anti-marriage but I firmly believe the "tough love" approach is the only one that will work with someone like him. Often when the LBW gets fed up and rejects the WAH then the WAH suddenly realizes how much he's lost and starts the long road to recovery.
Thank you for the feedback! I will definitely space it out better next time. I bought Divorce Busting and am about half way through. I find that I do ok sticking to the 180 until I start to think that it is possible he is seeing someone else, whether it be the original OW or another one. When I start to think like that, I go down the rabbit hole and my emotions want nothing more than to call him and just point blank ask him and also tell him to get the hell out of our home. But 1. he would most likely not be honest with me either way and 2. doing the 180 I know I am not supposed to be focusing on what he is doing. Im curious if a 180 helps if the spouse is actively seeing OW.
I dont feel like I can compare to the excitement of a new relationship. I know it can be like an addiction and im so afraid that if he is doing that, then I am just allowing him to walk over me by continuing to stay here and spend time with me and the baby. I would never take away the baby, but I just mean if he is seeing someone else, and I am trying to do the 180, so I am being nice and upbeat and carefree with him, arent I also allowing him to have his cake and eat it too? I want to be valued and respected by him and I have told him multiple times I want to be respected, and if he is seeing someone else right now then that is absolutely disrespectful.
Maybe my anger with that is that I still want to control things, I dont know. Crazy me for not wanting my husband to see other women right? But I think right now he views himself as "single" in a way from our relationship. He sleeps on the couch which makes me feel like he is promising someone else like "ya I stay there but I sleep on the couch. Im only there for the baby", etc. I do take it as a positive thing that he comes here every night to sleep, the 180 has made me react completely differently than I was and I am trying SO HARD, but certain things trigger things and wow I just want to fly off the handlebars. But I want more to stick to this and be CONSISTENT and have him take notice in the changes I have made and know that this is not just an attempt to win him back, I am trying to do this for me and for life.
So basically I think my biggest struggle is wanting to do this 180 but being afraid that he is seeing someone else in the meantime with all this freedom and just loving how carefree im being. With the OW he was seeing prior, and may still be, he would end things with her and start them back up over and over and he told me he doesnt feel like he will ever fully love someone else bc he is still so in love with me, and he cries, but like nothing changes. He doesnt know what he wants so he continues to live this life of bars every night and most likely other women. All while I am hope caring for our 6 month old. I wish I knew where his head was, I wish I knew what he was feeling right now. He texted me last night and asked if I wanted him to grab dinner for us on his way home. And that was nice. But i know I cant take little gestures like that and think things are changing for the better, because then the next night he doesnt get home until 2am and I am heart broken all over again. Where is my amazing loving husband who would literally do any and everything for me? Ive totally lost myself in this and I am trying to find ME again. He told me a while back when we first "separated" that he noticed me doing things for myself again and it made him feel like I was the girl he fell in love with again. He seems so conflicted, one day he acts one way and the next he acts another. Constantly pushing and pulling away, but his actions show he has no desire to fight for our relationship whatsoever. Do I just stick to this 180 and hope even if he doesnt come around I will eventually feel better and ask him to leave? Or maybe he will end up wanting to leave on his own, which will kill me all over again. I know this takes time, I know I have to be patient, but man this is tough.
Thank you so much for your response. It [censored] because I know you are right. I know I need to tell him to leave. The last time I did he had an absolute freak out for a few days and was terrified. But then it seems like after a few days he feels okay again. I am afraid if I ask him to leave again he will just go REALLY get deep with another woman and my chances will be lost forever. Its crazy my mind is working this way to be honest. I know I am a catch. I have a great job, make a good living, am a great mom, own a home, have a college degree, have amazing friends, amazing family, work out ( a lot now), I know I have a lot going for me. And right now he is a bar rat, living some half ass life that I would not want at this point in my life, yet I love the HIM that I have always known. My parents were married for 30+ years until my dad passed away in 2012 from cancer at age 60. I come from a VERY close knit family and when we started dating he LOVED being a part of our family. He always has. He became close with my parents and siblings immediately and became part of the family. When my dad became sick and we knew chemo was not working, my husband had a private conversation with him and asked him if when we were ready, if my dad would allow him to marry me, and my dad gave him permission of course. That was in 2012, he didnt ask me to marry him until 2 years later, and I never knew he had that conversation with my dad until our wedding day, when he gave a speech and informed me my dad had said yes. It was amazing, it was the type of person he has always been. WANTING to have a family with me, wanting to emulate family values, as his upbringing was a little bit different. Divorced parents, and some other things that went on, he really valued what we had together sO much. And its like he met the OW and she came from a family much more similar to his, and it was like he felt all of a sudden like him and I shouldnt be together. I just became the nagging wife who brought real life responsibility into his life, and everyone outside of me brought fun, carefree living. He literally stopped wanting to pay bills or do anything like that, It was insane.
When I asked him to leave about 2 months ago, I explained to him it wasnt fair that I have to ask him for help with the bills when we went into all of these things together. And it was like all of a sudden he saw clearly and was so embarrassed he hadnt been helping me and he started texting me that he was going to do This and that for me and he was so sorry and he was going to get everything together and he was so scared about losing etc etc. And the minute he comes back home, it all goes out the window again. Does he really not think that I will get sick of this way of life for myself? Or am I just showing him he can do whatever he wants? I used to nag a lot, I know I did. So I have completely stopped that. I used to ask a lot of questions about where he would go and things like that so I have completely stopped that as well. And I used to give him a bit of a hard time about going out with friends sometimes so I have completely stopped that, but now he goes out every single night with the guys from work that I dont even know, they dont know me, and he just lives a totally different life. Comes home drunk as if I dont notice, its absurd. I do not know who this person is. But I am willing to be patient. If it gives me a chance to be with him again, I am willing to be VERY patient right now and control my emotions and my reactions to things.
Hi there kech, sorry you're having to go through this awful time in your life. But the folks here have been tremendously helpful to many, including me.
That being said, I don't have any unique advice that will suit your situation. However, I can offer this for you:
1. Take it one day or hour or minute at a time. Some days or hours or minutes will be easier than others. Others will not. It's an awful roller coaster ride that takes practice and a lot of self-awareness to get used to. But you just need to take it one step at a time.
2. Work on yourself and your little one. You can't control him or what he thinks or what he wants. Let him figure that out for himself. Once you get better at detaching (such an important word here), he will start to notice. And he will sniff. And he will be curious. And he will bait you. And chances are you may pursue and you're going to stumble and tell us what happened. And we'll tell you to dust yourself off and try again. The important thing is to keep at it.
3. Find a good support system who are not involved with H's life. Any friends of yours and only yours, MC in which you see for yourself, this board...share your pain. And keep a strong front. Fake it if you need to and burst into tears when you're out of his range.
4. And some may tell you otherwise, but I will tell you now because I still feel this way...Don't give up hope. Keep it to yourself if you need to, but don't give up hope.
Fear is your worst enemy. Fear makes us do things that bring that what we fear to fruition. Fear is what holds LBSs back from fully embracing DBing, and pretty much cements their fate at being D'd. Let go of fear. Do what works.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
