That it very helpful. I guess where I stand right now is trying to GAL, detach, and stick to Sandi's rules. That helps narrow it down.
Detaching is VERY hard for me. I have a very hard time not reacting to things he says and does. I dont necessarily give HIM a reaction, but in myself certain things bring my day completely down and really make me upset and completely ruins my days.
I guess I dont really KNOW how to detach. Maybe it comes with time.
Any suggestions on detaching? Any suggestions on GAL? Any suggestions on pulling away?
I need to do these things while also following Sandi's rules and not being cold towards him. I am struggling now thinking I shouldnt have had that conversation with him yesterday, its like I worry I made him mad and now hes going to think im controlling him.
But I have to understand putting down boundaries and telling him I need someone I can rely on is not be controlling him. Im not a fan of his current lifestyle and I think I have a right to express that, which I did. If he wants to continue living that way he is welcomed to but I wont be a part of it.
I just dont think I handled it the best way I could have, but I never raised my voice. I did it more in a concerning way because I truly am worried he is going through something and not talking to me about it, and it affects me and our daughter. And I also NEEDED to say, if you are seeing someone else you cannot stay here. So I am glad I said that.
I know he plans to move out at some point, I really hope he doesnt, I hope he spends some time with us and realizes what he will be missing. I appreciate you giving me hope and saying you do see this as a possible sitch that can be turned around. Thats what I pray for.
Before he left for work he told me he will be off at a reasonable time and home. I pray he doesnt see this as a huge negative that I am trying to control what time he is home, etc. Thats NOT what I want to do. I just want him to knoow I dont want to be around him if thats the life he chooses.
I guess I should probably stop worrying about how HE feels about the conversation and start focusing on myself. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?! There was literally almost 3 weeks where I felt GREAT. I was starting Sandi's rules and I was feeling amazing. And then slowly that disappeared and anxiety took over and it has consumed me. Trying to figure out why he does what, and when the next bomb will drop.
Tell me this is normal. Is there anything to do to stop yourself from thinking that way?
Yes this is normal. This is very much a messed up if you do and messed up if you don't feeling. The LBS has a hard time seeing a positive outcome no matter what they do. And to be honest Kech, there is nothing you can really do. It is all up to your WH. I know that sounds crappy. And sad. And scary. But it really is up to him. He will come back to the MR WHEN he wants to. Not before.
DBing is more about not doing things to make it less likely for him to comeback than it is about doing things that will make him want to come back. That is what GAL is about, it keeps you busy so you aren't hounding him. 180s mean that you have done a lot of things before and after BD that pushes him away, stop doing those. Detachment is about relieving the pressure he feels when he is near you, or interacts with you.
Let me repeat: DBing is more about NOT doing thing that make it less likely for the WAS to come back to the MR, than it is about doing things to make the WAS want to come back. This is why we say while DBing doesn't ensure reconciling, it improves your chances of eventually getting there.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you! That is helpeful. DBing is more about stopping myself from doing the things that make it less likely for him to come back than it is about DOING THINGS that make him come back. Because I cannot make him come back. Nothing I do will or wont bring him back, it is up to him, I have no control over this.
I need to work on my reactions and emotions. I am VERY concerned I will have a bomb drop soon of him telling me he has to go out of town, and that is something I am afraid I will explode on. I need to be ready with a reaction, but I just dont know if I should just let it go like it is nothing or if I should say I am not okay with that and if you go through with it you cannot come back to the house.
The thing is, he could ACTUALLY be working, or he could be seeing the OW. I dont know either way. But it makes me extremely uncomfortable. Maybe that is something I just need to deal with myself. Because I know if I say to him there will be consequences if he goes out of town for work, that will be taken as me affecting his job and he will resent me and it will be bad news. Maybe this is a way for me to start working on detaching.
If he says he is going out of town, maybe I just need to let that happen and give him no reaction at all. It breaks my heart if he would be doing that to see OW, but I dont know that anything I say will change that at this point. I dont even know if they still speak. I just know I go down that rabbit hole in my head and become extremely angry and emotional.
DETACH DETACH DETACH. I re-read Cadet's comment over and over and over.
I honestly feel okay in life UNTIL I think about him and the OW he was seeing. When I start to think about that I become a mess. And i'd say I think about it every 5 minutes of every single day.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/29/1803:43 PM. Reason: combine posts
Last edited by Cadet; 08/29/1804:58 PM. Reason: Link
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
