Starting a new thread since last one reached its max. Steve, thinking about it definitely doesnt change it. I dont know why I try so hard to think about everything, its as if I feel like if I think enough about things I will figure it all out and be ahead of the game.
Or I always think he is up to something so I am trying to think EVERYTHING through to be one step ahead and not get hurt again. The inital BD back in late Sep 2017 was SO out of nowhere. It was the biggest shock I have ever had in my entire life, completely blindsided. Everything seemed completely normal up until that point, it was like the air being knocked out of me.
And how hurtful to tell someone you've all of a sudden fallen out of love with them and you're not seeing anyone else, when really you ARE in fact seeing someone else and that is why you are "falling out of love". Or you're just in an affair fog of lust and dont know which direction is up, which is why he became a mess shortly after BD and I had no clue what was happening.
Not to mention I was pregnant and lost 20 pounds and my doctors were scared for me, and he had no idea he was putting me through that. But regardless, I am not going backwards. You are right, thinking about the OW does not change it. And if he is continuing to speak to her, I cannot change that by constantly thinking about it. I cannot get one step ahead of him because no matter WHAT I do I am not changing anything he will do.
I wish detaching wasnt so hard. It would be amazing to wake up one day and feel indifferent towards all of this. To truly no longer care about the decisions he makes and go on with my life happily and see how happy he is then, without me caring and there as a safety net.
I am committed to detaching, GAL, Sandi's rules, and 180'ing any behaviors that were not working. Like trying to discuss R, get reassurances from him etc. I have not done those things in a while, but in the beginning I ABSOLUTELY begged, pleaded and promised to change everything about me that wasnt working for him. And I DID work on these things, he has noticed that. But I guess since in reality those were not REALLY the main issues, me fixing it didnt do much for him. But for me it is good, and for whatever future I have.
My ultimate goal is to restore my marriage and us be better than ever. I really do hope with the help of all of you I can get there. I told myself over and over this morning, this is a marathon not a sprint. Things may feel really really awful right now, but that doesnt mean that in 6 months we cant be in a different place. When I begin to think about the holidays coming up I get EXTREMELY anxious. As it will be the baby's first holidays and I do not know how he forsees us handling them.
But we will cross that bridge when we get to it I guess.
And how hurtful to tell someone you've all of a sudden fallen out of love with them and you're not seeing anyone else, when really you ARE in fact seeing someone else and that is why you are "falling out of love". Or you're just in an affair fog of lust and dont know which direction is up, which is why he became a mess shortly after BD and I had no clue what was happening.
Careful here. The temptation is usually to blame the affair and the OW for everything. The truth it is rare, like < 10% (and maybe much less than that) that everything is perfect with the MR and both spouses, and someone comes along and wrecks it. Usually there was something else going on that opened the door to the possibility. The temptation is to think that if OW hadn't come along he wouldn't have fallen out of love with you. When in reality usually the falling out of love occurs first.
In fact, most of the time the falling out of love happened much earlier and the WAS didn't bring it up until a potential Plan A came into view. For men that is less of a thing because men tend to be more impulsive than women, but this is generally the order of events. The "affair fog of lust" was probably why he became a mess after BD though, as you rightfully assert. But make no mistake he had fallen out of love with you. I mean, could you cheat on your H if you were still in love with him?
I look back over the history of my marriage. There were 3 times when I was tempted to step out of the MR. In all three cases things at home between my W and I were not good. Otherwise I wouldn't have even entertained it. Now in all 3 cases my morals took over and it came down to the fact that I could never ever cheat on my W. BUT the temptation was there because I wasn't in love with her at that point, and someone with less scruples would have jumped at the opportunities.
So please be careful assigning the blame on the OW, or on the affair. The problem is with your H. Whether it was the thought of fatherhood, or maybe not liking the changes occurring to your body due to pregnancy, or because lightning struck him, or because the planets aligned, or because he had a wire go haywire in his brain.....the point is that it is highly likely that something triggered a feeling of not being in love anymore that opened the door to another woman.
For me it was a SSM. Could it have been something like that in your MR? Maybe pregnancy made you not feel like sex, and he felt his sex life was changing? (Note, this does NOT mean you are at fault. The cheating spouse CHOOSES to step out of the MR instead of investing that energy into improving the MR.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are absolutely right. I just feel like he met someone, became interested, and then started thinking of any potential marriage problems and exaggerated them to justify his distancing from me, to then have A.
But you are correct, so many things probably meshed together. He says now that he didnt want to purchase the home we bought last year and that he didnt speak up about it. He felt like everything we accomplished as a couple was because of me, he didnt feel like a man, I didnt make him feel appreciated.
When I first found out about the OW he said to me, "I honestly thought you would never find out and I would end up leaving there and it would never be anything that came into our M", but this was before I knew it was PA.
When I found out for the 2nd time that they were still speaking he said to me that OW made him feel good about himself because she was obsessed with him. In my personal opinion, I dont know if this is frowned upon to say but it is how I feel, the OW is a little more rugged than me. I dont know how to say it really, but I find my H to be extremely handsome. I dont know that a man like him had ever really paid attention to her like he did. Maybe I am wrong, but in their relationship she seemed to be VERY into him, whereas with him and I, I do think I wore the pants a lot, I think I took the lead on doing things for us, like buying the home, etc.
I handled the bills, I handled everything really. And when we first met I think these are things he liked in me. He liked that I had a college degree, that I had a good job, that I had it together. And I think over time I stayed in that role and belittled him in a way when we should have been growing together.
I feel like I became WAY too comfortable in our marriage and I think I stopped thinking about how certain things may make him feel. And I see that I did that now, and OW was able to make him feel really good about things I probably hadnt made him feel good about in a long time.
This goes both ways, but what I am getting at is that with OW, he had no responsibilities whatsoever, he was living in her city, where he slept was covered by his work, he could lie to me easily over the phone, and she was open and available to him and probably very nice, where as I was home, pregnant, telling him how much I missed him, and probably annoyed half the time. Hounding him about why he didnt answer the phone, or just in general coming off as a brat because I was doing so much alone pregnant and not really telling him it bothered me.
I wish I knew then what I know now and how easy it could have been for us to discuss things and really work on fixing them before it ever got to where it is. And now I think I feel so lost because we dont really communicate about our deep feelings right now and it kills me to want to say things to him but know that I shouldnt. You feel like you should be able to tell your husband, "Im willing to do anything in the world for you. I love you more than you could imagine, I wont give up on us if you wont". You feel like you should be able to cry your eyes out in front of him and ask him to fix this with you and take care of you and hug you and love you and all the things just a year ago you could say and ask and do and now you shouldnt because it just isnt where he is.
His response will be different, his reaction will be different. He is in a different headspace and it is hard to wrap my brain around that still somehow. But I am getting there. I think in time everything that needs to be said will be said. Even if we end up in divorce, I think we will both lay all our cards out on the table at some point. But I know now is not the time and I just need to be consistent in this. Stop thinking about the relationship he had with OW. Stop thinking about ALL the great times we had in our relationship, and start thinking about now and how I can be better in my own life and hopefully he will want to be a part of it.
I need to wake up and read Sandi's rules DAILY. Keep a song in my heart to be upbeat, and pull away a little. I hope he notices. Its so hard to be patient when I feel like I want things to change over night. But I will keep going.
I have Divorce Busting and have not finished it. Do you recommend reading DR as well?
Both books are very good. Read and reread them. I always have several copies and they are the first book I give to people I meet in real life having R issues.
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Should I continue using Sandi's 37 rules?
Yes. Sandi is very wise in these things.
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I have read a lot on going dark, but I dont think that is something I should do right now.
Do not go dark. This is good if H is actively cheating on W. It is to protect you emotionally.
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When you say "learn as much as you can", do you mean in regards to divorce busting?
Yes, as well as new ways to communicate, new ways to interact, new ways be atractive, etc...whatever area in your life that could use a new perspective.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you for saying that, you are right, he did hear them. Now to just enforce and focus on GAL.
I have so much to learn, I see so clearly that I start to do one thing and the second he notices and gives me an inch, I take a mile and it pushes him away. Push and pull has definitely been our relationship this last year. I need to learn not to stay consistent in these things.
Here are a couple examples from my own communication with my exwife:
Originally Posted by R2C
When you wait to the very last minute to request or break appointments with me, I feel disrespected. From now on, I require 48 hours advance notice to schedule an appointment. If you continue to disrespect my time, I will decline further invitations.
Originally Posted by R2C
When you expect me to be flexible with parenting time while you remain rigid, I feel disrespected. I will continue to follow YOUR lead. You can continue to be rigid, or you can chose to do what is best for our kids and be flexible.
See how easy my choice is?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
