I just received my poppies of DB & DR. I didn't know what book was going to be best for me. I just started DR.
My sit:
I'm in law enforcement and met my wife at work. She was a social worker who came to pick up a child I had in my care. We started dating about 6 months later after seeing each other over that time. I was dating other women but she was different. We were both in the beginning stages of our careers and were gun hoe about our jobs. I was SWAT, and an up and coming officer. She was just about to break the ranks of her career ladder. She was always on call and so was I. I made detective and she was promoted soon after we started dating.
She had a 5 year old son from a previous relationship and all 3 of us were inseparable. It was fire together and she moved in after about 9 months of dating. She made my bachelor pad into a home and I got busy building a family atmosphere for a 6 year old and his mom. We married after 3 years of dating. I worked up the ranks and took over as the negotiations team leader and she promoted to supervisor.
We had a daughter after 4 years of marriage. Things were great! We bought a larger house and things went south. I noticed intimacy starting to die. Once a month but I wrote it off as new mom hormones. After about a year, I started to confront her about the lack of physical affection and intimacy. We started to be intimate about once a week or every 10 days but it was now like pulling teeth. I pursued more intimacy thinking we would get closer. We didn't. Intimacy became bad. I felt as if I was having relations with a sex doll. I either got rejected or it was bad S. I withdrew and stopped taking care of my responsibilities around the house. I still cooked every night and was a great father to our S and D.
I was in a SSL and was getting frustrated. Our financial situation worsened since we or should I say she was living beyond our means. We had a rental that was having problem after problem and it was draining our savings putting a lot of stress on our R. I didn't really have credit cards but boy did she. We put an air conditioner, refrigerator and repairs on her cards. We decided to sell the rental and I let my cards laps to pay for hers and getting house ready for sale. After the house sold I thought we would be relieved of some pressure. We weren't. By now our son was going to be 16 and driving. Playing 3 travel ball teams and getting looks from colleges. He got on a travel ball team being followed by college scouts and it got expensive quick. I sold my truck and we bought a cheaper car for our son to travel to practices.
Then one day a friend posted on social media he was getting married. I showed my w and she said it better not be in September. When I asked why, She said she was flying across the country to her college reunion. I was livid. Why didn't she tell me, and why was I busting my A for money when we were so short on income.
Then I noticed her what I thought taking a photo of a kitchen cabinet. Turns put she was taking selfies. She was on social media nonstop. She was now on Snapchat, whatsapp, and FB constantly. I started to get suspicious and confronted her. She said she was looking at our sons friends to see what he was up to. Then she started hiding her phone screen from me. She was getting text messages in the middle of the night. Although she didn't read them then, she would wake up and read them in the bathroom. One day I was in our bedroom and she was working on crafts and her iPad got a message from some guy that read. "We are going to have fun like the old days" I looked him up on FB and he was a friend from college.
I flipped out and confronted her. She dismissed it as her friends husband and it didn't mean anything. Since I looked him up, he was divorced from her friend. She showed me the message thread from him but I could tell that messages has been deleted.
Now I was convinced she was having an EA. The cycle started. We began to bicker, argue, and be short with each other. She distanced herself from me and I pursued. Then I tried to be intimate and she said she wasn't interested anymore and the dreaded words followed. Not in love with you anymore and haven't been in a long time.
My world crashed. My family was falling through my fingers. My M was on the brink of ending. I panicked and pursued more as she distanced herself. I started reading everything on marriage. Everything! I learned about love languages to MIC to relationship styles. I talked her into going to one M counseling. She hated it and went in protest.
By now colleges were very interested in our son. Asking to see him play all over California. At about $500 to $1,300 a weekend. She put everything on CC's i dint have any CC's other than 1 for $500 bucks that i kept revolving. So she took out a loan without telling me to pay off some of her cards to make roomfor the trips.
I became enemy #1 because I wasn't helping her son get a college scholarship. She had lost all respect for me as a provider because I was unable to help financially. She started talking about divorce. Due to our finances and potential college offers, we were unable to separate thank God. But I assume as soon as our son commits to a school, the M is done.
From my reading I learned to stop the pursuit and things were better as far as arguing but she still doesn't want to work on the marriage. We kiss goodnight and goodbye in the morning. I say I love you and she mumbles it back. If I don't say it, she doesn't either. Since I don't pursue, nag or bring up working on the M, she is less stressed and we can communicate well. We have fun together but no affection what's so ever. We have become co-parents and roommates. We still sleep in the same bed but I am lonely and want more. She doesn't.
The night texts have stopped but I believe she has just gotten better at bidding them. I don't text, call or initiate conversation first. No conflict or stress. I thought things were getting better but I caught her researching houses for rent this weekend. So I figure my days are numbered. I'm having anxiety over looking my daughter 24/7. I'm going through all the emotional trauma again.
I don't have any alone time to read the book as much as I'd like to without her seeing me. So bathroom breaks and during my lunch is all I have.
Any input from the group would be greatly appreciated. I'm drowning and don't see any help down coming my way.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome to the forums. Sounds like you have been quite proactive in your sitch. Hang in there. Remember believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Stay strong.
Stryk welcome to the board, sorry for your sitch but is a common tale.
Something immediately jumped out at me:
Quote
From my reading I learned to stop the pursuit and things were better as far as arguing but she still doesn't want to work on the marriage. We kiss goodnight and goodbye in the morning. I say I love you and she mumbles it back. If I don't say it, she doesn't either. Since I don't pursue, nag or bring up working on the M, she is less stressed and we can communicate well. We have fun together but no affection what's so ever. We have become co-parents and roommates. We still sleep in the same bed but I am lonely and want more. She doesn't.
Initiating goodnight and goodbye kisses, and saying ILY ARE PURSUIT. This is a common problem with new LBSs. "I have stopped pursuing. But when I say ILY she doesn't say it back." If you are saying ILY then you HAVEN'T stopped pursuing. You may have cut down, but there are a lot of subtle pursuit efforts that LBSs engage in.
For instance, you are going to take son out to eat, you say to your W, "do you want to go?" Seems innocent. She needs to eat, right? Except to her it is pressure. "He wants to do something with me!" You lean in for your goodnight kiss, in her head she is thinking "More pressure to act as if things are okay!" You say "I love you", she mumbles it back, but in her head she is thinking "I don't love you, everytime you say that I am reminded of that fact. Plus it puts pressure on me to mislead you into thinking things are better than they are!"
See the problem? You really want to 180 on this. No more ILYs (if she says it first it is okay to return it.). No more initiating goodbye and goodnight kisses. I think you'll find her response interesting. Try it tonight. Tell her goodnight, turn over an go to sleep. Tomorrow when you leave for work, say "See you tonight" and walk out the door. After a couple of days she will be wondering "whats up with this?" She might even start temp checking. She'll make accusations "You met someone else didn't you!" (I don't want to set expectations as it might take longer.) Her reaction to these things will belie insistence that she no longer cares. Because I person that truly doesn't care doesn't start trying to figure out what has changed.
Read the detachment thread. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read and employ Sandi's rules. My situation was very similar to yours. We still slept in the same bed. Once I stopped pursuing, saying ILY, initiating kisses, something amazing happen. She stopped running away and actually starting coming towards me. SHE initiated ILYs. SHE initiated goodbye, goodnight, and hi hugs and kisses. SHE started pursuing. Read about the pursuit-distance dynamic. Until you remove all pressure she will be too busy distancing to pursue.
WASs are similar to a blue racer snake. Blue racer snakes will move away from you if you come towards them. They will remain stationary if you are stationary. But when you start to walk away they start to chase you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85, thank you. I guess pouring out my soul jumbled a few things. Out of routine, I walk W and D out every morning to the car as I go to mine. I strap D into her seat while wife texts Baby sitter to tell her she is on the way. Wife leaves her car door open for my good bye kiss and ILY. The last 2 days I have just given her a kiss and said goodbye. At night, she goes to bed about 10-20 minutes before me. Gives me a little time to read. She comes out to say goodnight. I, out of habit say ILY and she says it back. Last night, she didn't come out and went to sleep. It's scary as hell.
As far as me time, I get home from work an hour before she does. I read a little and work on chores until she gets home with D. I always meet them outside to give my D a big hug and kiss. Sometimes, depending on how I feel I kiss her when she comes home. I guess I should stop that too? My D loves when she sees W and I kiss. It's hard not to do.
After they get home, I cook dinner. Always have because I like to cook. At 6 our S gets home and we eat dinner as a family. Usually a good time and very comforting. Then it's getting D for bath and a little Daddy Daughter time as wife and i watch our TV shows. Then W puts daughter to sleep. This is the 20-30 minutes when I'm sure she is doing all her texting. She usually returns to watch TV with me and then goes to bed.
I don't know how to do the 180 and what it entails. I haven't read that far yet.
So I just wait for her? Don't do my routines? Change my wording when saying goodbye and good morning? So hard to know what to do and what not to.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
you sound like a good guy. Happy to see your wife and kids, and doing the right thing in the big ways obviously. If only we had more people like you. I can see you've read here a bit already too, and have your sitch detailed in your sig line. Awesome.
The biggest reason Michelle gives for not saying I love you is b/c it reminds the WAS of her feeling - that she doesn't love you. So the more you reinforce that and bring up that negative, the worse it is for you. This is the 180 Steve is talking about. Turn this around. Quit initiating "I love you's". Quit going in for the kiss.
Your daughter loves seeing you guys kiss right? So she'll be heartbroken if you guys get divorced right? Well you can't hide it forever, might as well let your wife have a taste of the drink she has mixed instead of allowing her to not experience any consequences here.
You've been at this longer than I have, but I've been here longer and have read the book a few times. After a while you'll realize that trying to make sense of everything she does is impossible. And trying to plan every little action out in advance won't work. This isn't a training scenario where you commit procedure to memory, but rather an attitude change for you.
Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughter financially, don't try to appease your WW into staying. Stop snooping on her so much for now, you don't want to be so super stressed. Don't try to talk out of moving either, you will just push her out the door. Try not to worry about the OM so much too, there's not much you can do about that. Avoid the violence option - b/c do you want to throw away your life on some schmuck and a woman who doesn't care about you? I say this b/c I was there, so close to doing this myself, and I see some similarities in you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You sound like a fellow LEO. It's starting to sink in on ILY's. I really need to read more of the book but I don't want her to see me reading it. Too bad it's not out on tablet. I'm able to read the blog and she thinks I'm watching videos and social media.
I'll keep you all posted. This blog is really helping. I feel like I have my own coaches!
So when she leaves the door open, should I just say "see you tonight and not give the kiss we are accustomed to?
I can see this going south fast. Oh boy. Here comes the ride.
Me 45 W 40 Step Son16 D 3 1/2 M 7 yrs Sept 1st yrs together 10 Living together 06/18/18 ILYBNILWY 8/21/18 W looking for housing.
you're welcome. I came here with so much pain and received more support than I could have asked for. I can only try to help others to pay it forward.
As for the Astrology sign, I'm actually a Virgo, but thanks for guessing...
/\ /\ /\ /\ Joke /\ /\ /\ /\
Not a LEO, I have a small business and a W-2 job as well.
Hiding the book is important, and clear your browsing history or browse incognito. You don't want her to know about your DB efforts.
I would say "see you tonight" like you always do with a friendly smile but not lean in for the kiss. You think it will go south as you stop chasing and move in your own direction? Will she get mad at the loss of control over you?
Most wayward spouses tend to want the LBS to hang out in the background ,quiet and meek, just in case they ever change their mind. This is called "cake-eating" AKA "having your cake and eating it too". Do you know where her affair is? She has stayed at home with you every night since BD (bomb drop)?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Welcome to MLC world that you never thought you'll be here, first I am going on 1yr and 5 months and is still feels like yesterday. You have a long road.
So reading your story is like all of ours we all make mistakes but one big mistake we do is we say to ourselves my W/H is not going do that to me. Please protect your finances first then your D.
Your S is old enough to see her changes. And when he says something never speak ill about W.
Now once finances and d is good , you are dealing with a different person trust me. If W doesn't get her way she will throw tantrum or use your D as her pawn. That's when being the LBS parent has to be the kids super hero, you seem like a good dad now you going be a better version of yourself. You will see.
Unfortunately if W goes away you must not stop her, any WAW or MLC going do what they want so is like telling a 2yrs old do not touch that fire you going get burn and they touch it still, that's what W going do. She is going do whatever she wants and you not my DAD.
So just know do is going be a long journey you will have days you going cry and is ok to cry do it when W can't see you. You allowed to have those ups and down emotions that's your W.
We herr a lot of GAL but for parents like us with young kids we can't leave them behind so do activities with D. Become that Dad. I know money is tight but places that offer free go. Do thing's that W will want.
It seem you have a career your a detective so physical I know you in shape. So the question is
What made your W fall in love with you ... Who was that Guy...
We all here lose ourselves in marriage we do believe it or not. Mine was I was in UFC and in shape. I have dress style and loved to dance all that W loved. But honestly after 3 kids we got comfortable life became blah. I felt I didn't need to tan or gym because I had my W ... Wrong... my W in anger said many hurtful things. You gained weight ummmm I gained maybe 15 lbs you hair color is not how we met. Blah blah...
Now I am finding myself again and becoming a freaking better version of myself. Oh W noticed my arm sleeve tattoo I always wanted. I am starting to lift weight as much I can my back is still healing from surgery. My waist is down. Oh she is noticing but I am starting to realize my kids and I deserve better. Is hard I won't lie. But the thought my W laid in bed with other person makes my stomach turn.
So S we are here. We are busy but someone will write I am going follow your thread. I am in MLC forum side.
Remember Sleep, Eat and keep getting Therapy do this for you. And what age is your D. If she need therapy is ok for D to talk with someone too. Our kids world was just flip inside out.
Keep us posted
One day at a time...
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
