This feels strange, I have never posted anything before, and now the most personal experiences to complete strangers, but I need someone who is willing to listen and maybe advice: About a year ago my husband dropped the bomb: He was unhappy and wanted out. I "convinced" him to try again within a few days. That worked for maybe 2 months and then went downhill. Since January we have separat bedrooms, no physical contact and he is talking about moving out. He always found reasons to delay the moving ( work load, kids school year coming to an end...) but now seems to really plan on moving. He is waiting for the apartment he wants to become available and is on the waiting list, it might happen next month. He also told the kids ( 12 and 15).While I think he had doubts at first, I think he knows what he wants now. Since about two weeks I assume that there is another woman involved, maybe only an emotional affair (I think she is out of town), but maybe I am just to naive and I think I don't want to know. After his initial talk I acted extremely loving and clingy. Looking back I realize off course I drove him further away. I then started reading a lot of books, including divorce remedy, gave him more space, tried not to push, but was still trying to fix marriage. ( following the marriage fitness program.). I also worked on getting my own life, started a class for work, and am running a lot, went out with friends occasionally. Now it seems like all attempts have failed. I am more willing to detach, but find it hard with the kids in the house. One question is: Should I still wear the ring? I feel like I should wear it for as long as we are married, but not sure what signal that sends. Other question is about doing house work. I have always been in charge of all the shopping, cooking, house cleaning, laundry and driving the kids. Last week I told him, that since we were not a couple anymore, but just housemates, he should do his part. It seems awkward to cook for me and the kids and then have him fix his own meals, so I suggested he could be in charge of dinner two days a week. He ended up getting take out once. But I am not sure if I should enforce it. I think I am just too nice. Sorry if this sounds very confused, I guess I lost a lot of time and it might be too late anyway.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for your reply. My husband is not wearing the ring anymore. For the last couple of months he wore it, when he went to work, school events etc, where people knew him, but not in anonymous places. Now he does not wear it at all. He has mentioned the apartment to me and will call again this week to see if one is available for October. As for the other woman. Two weeks ago I went on an overnight camping trip with the boys. Since he did not really listen to me he assumed we would stay for two nights. We returned, when he was still at the gym. For some reason I went into our former office, that is now mainly his room and saw a parcel addressed to a woman that I do not know in a city that I know he has been traveling to for work.When he arrives home he is obviously upset, that we are there. I did not mention the packet. But when my son was in his room later that night he told me that dad had hidden a packet under his blanket. So, why this secrecy? Besides that he goes out on walks almost every night and denied my son to go along, or he is upset when I want to go running at the same time he goes out running. When he is running it seems he takes longer then he used to. He could be running longer distances now, but does not seem that exhausted when he comes home. I assume he talks to her on the phone. Also texting a lot, smiling at his phone. I could just check the phone bill, but have not done so yet. I have not mentioned my suspicion to him, but have made a remark like: I will have to go into your room later, so please hide anything you do not want me to see, so he might assume that I saw the parcel. He also has made no secret out of the fact, that he is looking for a new relationship. I just was hoping he would have the decency to at least wait until he has moved out. It makes me so disappointed, sad, mad at the same time. Just thinking, that I cook meals for him, do his laundry, while he pursues another woman drives me crazy. And he never ever says thank you or it tastes good anymore, which he has always done for the last 15 years. I feel so used. For the last two days I have taken off the ring, avoid talking to him and have been rather cold. I have reread the section about last resort in DR, but find it hard to find the balance between not chasing and not being cold.
My advice is if you are still married, wear your ring. People take their ring off so that others can see they are available. If you do not want to be available, and you want to save your marriage, then you should wear your ring NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SPOUSE DOES! This is not a tit-for-tat. This is about what is the right thing to do.
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Just thinking, that I cook meals for him, do his laundry,
So stop. Don't cook for him anymore. Don't do his laundry. He has fired you from being his W (or is trying to) show him what it means to not have you as a wife.
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but find it hard to find the balance between not chasing and not being cold.
We all do, What I suggest is that if you have to choose between the two, you lean towards being cold. But continue to work on it. Not chasing but being upbeat and friendly can coexist.
kiwi, it is never too late to DB. I just responded to another poster earlier today about this. The key is that DBing isn't to save your relationship, it is to save yourself. If you DB to save your MR you will fail. If you DB to save yourself you will succeed, and maybe a side benefit will be that you save your MR.
There is no magic bullet.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
For some reason I went into our former office, that is now mainly his room and saw a parcel addressed to a woman that I do not know in a city that I know he has been traveling to for work.When he arrives home he is obviously upset, that we are there. I did not mention the packet. But when my son was in his room later that night he told me that dad had hidden a packet under his blanket. So, why this secrecy? Besides that he goes out on walks almost every night and denied my son to go along, or he is upset when I want to go running at the same time he goes out running. When he is running it seems he takes longer then he used to. He could be running longer distances now, but does not seem that exhausted when he comes home. I assume he talks to her on the phone. Also texting a lot, smiling at his phone. I could just check the phone bill, but have not done so yet.
You don't need to check the phone bill. He is clearly, obviously having an affair. Perhaps not physical but frankly it doesn't matter. He's in love with the idea of a new life with someone else and nothing you do right now will dissuade him.
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I just was hoping he would have the decency to at least wait until he has moved out.
If you are expecting him to be good and decent then prepare to be constantly disappointed. No matter who he was before, right now he is a selfish lying cheater. That's what you are up against.
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It makes me so disappointed, sad, mad at the same time. Just thinking, that I cook meals for him, do his laundry, while he pursues another woman drives me crazy.
He's more than happy to take advantage of that too. Like Steve said, stop doing it. Just tell him you're done being his caretaker given that he no longer wants to be married and is actively pursuing other women. He will of course deny, deny, deny. Just hold firm and tell him you don't believe him and from now on he needs to take care of himself.
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And he never ever says thank you or it tastes good anymore, which he has always done for the last 15 years.
You old H is long gone. Like I said above, now you are married to a selfish lying cheater. Your old H may come back some day, but you've got a long road ahead of you with this interloper.
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I feel so used. For the last two days I have taken off the ring, avoid talking to him and have been rather cold. I have reread the section about last resort in DR, but find it hard to find the balance between not chasing and not being cold.
Read Sandi's rules every day. They are all about LOVINGLY detaching. Detaching has nothing to do with being cold and indifferent.
When I read sitches like yours, I always think the same thing. This guy is going to come back some day begging you to give him another chance. Many men his age go through this phase (call it MLC or whatever) where they think they want something/ someone new and different and they walk away from everything they know. Most of the time their W begs and pleads for them to stay and that just drives them farther away because it reeks of desperation which is terribly unattractive. But eventually the W gets tired of the BS and tells him "you know what? If this is what you want then go have it and leave me the hell alone, because I deserve better." It is only THEN that he realizes what he's losing and takes stock of his situation. He's living in some small apartment somewhere, dating some shallow floozy (anyone willing to date a married man is a floozy IMO) that does nothing for him except maybe give him some hot sex now and then (hardly a basis for a lasting relationship), has lost half his income and all his family time and wow, this ain't so great after all. Then they go dragging back with their tail between their legs and more often than not the W no longer wants them because too much resentment has built up in the meantime.
Anyway be patient, detach, GAL, leave him to the mess he's making. Work on you.
Bit of an old joke, but I've been thinking on getting mine sized bigger and wearing it on my middle finger. If someone asks why I'm wearing it on the "wrong" finger, I can reply, 'cause I married the wrong woman.
It's sad, but some of us hold our vows more seriously than others. Do what you feel is right. Dont let their pettiness pull you in.
Ready2Change told me about your thread and I wanted to come over and give you some support. As a fellow W going through a separation with a cheating husband, I am lost, confused, unsure, anxious, all of the above. Which SHINES through in my threads because I am clearly all over the place.
But try to take the advice of the vets here, they know what theyre talking about. Last week I threw myself into this process and told myself I would stick to it no matter what. My husband and I were not working on our R, but he was living at home, coparenting, spending time together, etc. I knew he was cake eating but I figured having him here was better than not, even though everyday I felt I lost respect for myself more and more.
He was on his phone one night an awful lot and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I quickly signed on and asked for ANYONE to give me advice as to how to handle it. Ready2change said to ask him to see his phone, if he would not oblige then tell him I am not willing to live with a man who is clearly seeing another woman.
I walked right out to the living room, asked to see his phone, he refused, and I told him if he refused I assume there is another woman, and I would not live under the same roof with him if that is what he was choosing. He was SO angry with me, wouldnt show me his phone, said he wasnt speaking to anyone else and left. That night was awful, awful, he was so angry he continued texting me awful things and I truly felt like I made a mistake.
It has been a week since that night and yes, it has been hard, but I can tell you my respect for myself is much better. He was living here and we got along and it was very nice, but he was doing whatever he wanted, coming home when he pleased, I felt completely used. Now that hes out, yes emotionally im a bit of a mess, but he is making more of an effort to be at our home with our daughter and he is communicating with me on a coparenting level much better than before. No, it isnt making a change in our R, but it did get the point across to him that he needs to be an active part of this family or he will not be part of it at all.
I know aspects of our stories are different, BD for me was just shy of a year ago, I was 5 months pregnant at the time with our first child. BD was out of nowhere, "I dont want to be married anymore, I dont think I love you. I need to do things for myself, ive been doing everything for everyone else. Its time for me to live for me." I was dumbfounded. I found out about OW 3 months later. D was born in Feb and she is now 6 months old..
The fog is strong. STRONG. He has tried on and off to make it work, gave up, went back to OW, came back to us, tried to stay with us and keep OW, over and over and over. Its a rollercoaster for sure. And I am on it right along side you. It is not easy, and some days I truly feel like I could crumble to the ground, but it does help knowing there are others out there going through this.
It is SO hard to find a balance between being cold or being upbeat and possibly coming off as needy. I struggle with it daily. If I say this will he think this. If I do that will he assume this....It makes me crazy. But the vets have really tried to instill in me, it isnt about him. It isnt about his reactions to what I do. I need to do this FOR ME. I need to DB for ME. Not for him. Steve says something along the lines of "Set him free to get him back". Its terrifying, setting them free. But it seems like a must.
I hope we can help eachother through this with advice! I didnt mean to come on your thread just to tell my story, but I find that when someone in a similar sitch comments on my threads and tells me what has and hasnt worked for them, it is EXTREMELY helpful.
kech, thank you for taking your time to respond and sharing your story with me. It truly helps a lot to know, that we are not alone in our situations. I have also followed your thread, just not commenting. I think you are very brave to show your husband your boundaries the way you did. I hope it will work out for you in the end.
