I hope you’re there and read my last post on previous thread. He just texted me and said “I’m sorry, give me time to acclimate”. Any suggestions on what to respond??
Last edited by job; 09/04/1812:29 AM. Reason: added link to previous thread
There are no guaranties in any of this. That is the hard part. The good news is you will have skills to rebuild the relationship. Letting go of trying to control/manipulate someone and setting boundaries to protect yourself. All while trying to attract them back. Hopefully H sees the changes and likes what he sees.
Hopefully you can find success stories here. The ones that turned there wayward around.
This is tough love.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I will try to find success stories of people who have turned their wayward around. I cant even fathom him changing at this point. I dont even think he remembers ME. Its been so long since he has tried to make an effort in OUR relationship.
He just texted me this morning asking if the baby needs anything. I dont really understand why when he lived here he made no effort at all and now that Ive made him leave he all of a sudden wants to make a big effort for her. I think its great and I think he should, I just dont know what he is trying to prove.
And of course I wish he was putting this kind of effort into our relationship also, but I know that isnt what he wants. I hope if he is seeing someone else (UGH) that he will think of me and eventually try to rebuild us. But he would have to be the one to put the effort in, and i dont see that happening anytime soon.
I will try to find success stories of people who have turned their wayward around. I cant even fathom him changing at this point. I dont even think he remembers ME. Its been so long since he has tried to make an effort in OUR relationship.
He just texted me this morning asking if the baby needs anything. I dont really understand why when he lived here he made no effort at all and now that Ive made him leave he all of a sudden wants to make a big effort for her. I think its great and I think he should, I just dont know what he is trying to prove.
And of course I wish he was putting this kind of effort into our relationship also, but I know that isnt what he wants. I hope if he is seeing someone else (UGH) that he will think of me and eventually try to rebuild us. But he would have to be the one to put the effort in, and i dont see that happening anytime soon.
Of course he is more engaged. Whether he is willing to admit it or not right now verbally, deep down he understands what he stands to lose. This is what tough love is all about! Now, remember, a lot of this might be just try to weasel back into the house. But eventually, if you can stick to your guns, he will get to a pivot point....where he knows he stands to lose everything permanently, and he'll have a decision to make.
kech, LBSs struggle because they CAN'T control and CAN'T change their spouse. Your goal isn't to control or change him because YOU CANNOT do that. Your goal is to show him that his decisions have consequences, and the consequences of having an OW are that he doesn't get his family. This is tough, the LBS' instincts are that by being loving and nice they can "win" back the WAS. But this hardly ever works. In fact, if it did, the divorce rate would plummet because almost all LBS go that route.
Waywards especially need tough love. sandi talks about this, that a sense of loss is the only thing that can wake them up from their fog. Doing whatever he wants but still having you on the hook means he doesn't have to change anything. Doing whatever he wants and potentially losing you is the only thing that can make him want to change what he is doing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry that you are here. I have been quietly reading your sitch for a while now.
Your posts are all focused on HIM. What are you doing? How are your 180s going? Are you GALing? What goals are you setting for yourself? The only thing you can control in this sitch is yourself.
Hang in there. It will get easier with time and detachment.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks so much, I have been dying for something from someone to get me through another day. I am staying busy, working, trying to keep moving forward. As I stated he texted me last night that he was sorry and needed time to acclimate. He then sent me a video of a song and said that the baby is everything to him. I told him that he is everything to her as well and that I understand the acclimating thing..
He then sent 2 more texts about the baby and how she smiles at him and is the only woman to ever love his beard. I didnt respond to those. And then he texted this morning asking what she needs. I struggle with the fact that I am here mourning our marriage and he doesnt seem at all affected by that. He is sad to lose time with the baby, but he was spending no time with her prior to this due to his lifestyle. I am glad he is now making an effort to see her and I dread the days he starts taking her for periods of time, etc. But in the meantime I am continuing to stay busy, GAL. I am trying to 180 but I find I have the hardest time doing that.
When he texted last night about acclimating to all of this, I thought to myself how would I normally respond, how could I be different. But I ended up just saying I understand, which is probably what I would have said before if I responded at all. WE ARE ALL acclimating to this, doesnt he see that?
I want him to WANT to come back so bad. Him crying yesterday confuses me, yet he is the one filing for divorce, etc. Is he extremely confused or was me giving him his stuff yesterday and discussing a schedule with the baby just too much?
I dont know, I need to work on not nicing him to death. I want to be understanding and loving but also firm on my boundaries and respected.
He just messaged me again that he got the wall stuff to fix the walls. Should I just say Thanks? Id really like to say "teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime"....in other words, teach me so I dont need you to fix it. But thats probably too much
Who knows what is going on in his head. That's exactly the point. You can't mindread, so don't try. You need to get out of his head and into your own. Looking for signs and signals in everything he says and does is a cheeseless tunnel. It won't get you anywhere, other than worked-up and stressed-out.
Good job not responding to the further texts of his. You say you are struggling with 180s. Wouldn't it be a 180 not to respond to the initial text? I didn't see anything in it which required a response. Keep your communication with him as to-the-point as possible. They say to treat the WAS like a cashier at the store. You aren't rude or mean to them, but nor are you going to engage them in personal conversation, or eagerly await their communication.
What do you mean when you say that you stay busy and GAL. What are you doing? What are your goals? How are you working on yourself? What are you doing to take care of yourself?
You are at the beginning of a long process, so have patience. (It is hard, trust me, I know.) You are stronger than you know, and there is a bright future waiting for you at the other end.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
