New thread. One full of hope, healing, and positive actions.
It's been five days since I had my last anxiety attack. Five days of spending an awesome time with my D4. Five days of really exercising and lifting. Five days of increasing confidence.
For those keeping count, this is day 119 of me DBing. Day 38 of measuring tangible progress. I feel more and more confident in myself. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I'm a f*cking awesome, attractive, funny man. A great father. A great son. A good employee (striving to be great). My confidence is rocketing upward. This is the longest stretch all year that I have felt this good. I'm not sure if it's the medicine keeping my anxiety under control or if it's me. All I know is that I'm having a good stretch.
I'm distancing myself from W's uncle as I feel that he is a trigger for my emotions. He isn't helping my case. He is a great guy, but...I see why W wanted me to avoid him. (Will never tell W that.)
And will make a lucky woman feel great once I get that opportunity. My hopes are still with W. But I don't control that.
Had a mostly good day yesterday. Needed to pick up W and D4 from work/school and drive them back. However, I had a critical work issue that I needed to resolve and I was getting a little worked up about it. Before DBing, I would have gotten irritable with W's suggestions and told her that it's fine. This time around, I listened to her advice on dealing with the issue and I took her advice. Took about 20 minutes to resolve. W and D4 were in my car waiting. I fixed the issue (issue was halting business so problem needed to be fixed) and went back to car with D4 and W. Told them that I was needed to fix the issue at hand but it was resolved. I was happy and getting more relaxed about it as we talked (another change). We chatted a little going back home. She brought up the fact that her uncle's girlfriend invited both of us to his surprise party. GF said to W that she didn't know if it was weird or awkward to invite us this way. She said that we get along and work fine (hurt to hear, but again...likely temp checking me to see what I would say). I then told her this:
"I'm going to start distancing a little from your uncle. I thought about what you said about feeding off his anger in how he dealt with his sitch and based off that and the reaction I had with you (W) it was not going to anything but cause more hurt feelings, which we both don't need right now. It was a difficult enough day as it was with the two conversations we had and him telling me stuff was a trigger to an avalanche of negative feelings and anxiety that caused the day to end like this."
She acknowledged my convo and we continued to chat. We got home, I got ready to GAL. D4 went into her bedroom and we sat at the kitchen table and talked for over an hour. Nothing serious about our sitch. Just about bills, D4, upcoming trips, our friend and her abusive R, and some other lighthearted conversations. Totally lost track of time. Left the house and she texted me the issue with her vehicle and why it needed to be fixed (vehicle got stuck in the sand at beach). I texted her back and joked with her that things never change. She didn't know what I was talking about. I told her about the same issue she went through 10 years ago with her other vehicle. She got embarassed and said she had to go (playful) and hung up.
GAL until late. W called me at 2AM to make sure I was ok and where I was. Told her I was at home. Hung up and went back to sleep.
I don't know if it's DB to continue to hope for R or not. And it may be a fool's errand...but I'm feeling more hopeful. About me. About my life. About my chances for R with W.
I'm still scared. And obviously I'm still Detaching. But I keep seeing positive signs.
I'm very excited to see what's going to happen going into the fall. In a year in which I have accomplished so much and experienced so many key moments, this sitch and accomplishing R, as Dick Enberg said at the end of Super Bowl 32, "Would be the the highest moment."
I don't know if it's DB to continue to hope for R or not. And it may be a fool's errand...but I'm feeling more hopeful. About me. About my life. About my chances for R with W.
I'm still scared. And obviously I'm still Detaching. But I keep seeing positive signs.
I'm very excited to see what's going to happen going into the fall. In a year in which I have accomplished so much and experienced so many key moments, this sitch and accomplishing R, as Dick Enberg said at the end of Super Bowl 32, "Would be the the highest moment."
I think it is. I know in my sitch, as her attitude and actions started to change, and she moved back toward the MR, my hope went up. However, I continued to work on self-differentiation (look that up in relation to marriage) because not being properly detached, or overly attached, is NEVER a good thing. We live in an imperfect world. People change, die, etc.....If your happiness is overly attached to another person then you are setting yourself up for problems later.
So by all means, keep DBing, keep being hopeful, but remember to be happy with yourself!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't know if it's DB to continue to hope for R or not. And it may be a fool's errand...but I'm feeling more hopeful. About me. About my life. About my chances for R with W.
I'm still scared. And obviously I'm still Detaching. But I keep seeing positive signs.
I'm very excited to see what's going to happen going into the fall. In a year in which I have accomplished so much and experienced so many key moments, this sitch and accomplishing R, as Dick Enberg said at the end of Super Bowl 32, "Would be the the highest moment."
I think it is. I know in my sitch, as her attitude and actions started to change, and she moved back toward the MR, my hope went up. However, I continued to work on self-differentiation (look that up in relation to marriage) because not being properly detached, or overly attached, is NEVER a good thing. We live in an imperfect world. People change, die, etc.....If your happiness is overly attached to another person then you are setting yourself up for problems later.
So by all means, keep DBing, keep being hopeful, but remember to be happy with yourself!
Steve, I'm happy with myself. I'm loving myself more and more daily. I'm loving at the weight I'm losing and the physique I'm building for myself. I love how much of a better father I'm being to a beautiful D4 (I posted pictures of our trip and I got 60 facebook likes...all from my friends...they all told me how beautiful she is and how blessed I am.), and I'm kicking so much ass at my new job.
W seems to want to talk more. I’m still responding at my own time and in short replies. Temptation to talk more is there but I would feel this is a little too soon (pursuit).
DB coach session 2 this morning.
I’ll provide details if MC and DB session following completion.
DB session complete. Nothing groundbreaking, but he did suggest that I kind of start nudging into cultivating the friendship I am having with W. I am to have NO CONVERSATION REGARDING R (duh). There is no momentum built up yet. I need to continue to build the foundation.
Keep up the positive mental attitude (will provide my feelings shortly) and focus on the friendship. I was told that the BS from the WAS does not want to be friends (fear of friendzone, needs to be at lover/soulmates zone), so continuing to build a friendship is key. Keep it light, easy, and playful.
GAL is key. If I continue to take care of myself, it continues to build resilience for the challenges ahead.
One of the challenges is to have ask for a friendly meeting. Nothing about dates, none of that. Just a friendly sit-down and chat (kind of what we did two days ago). Follow-up challenge is to how to react if she says "No". If I can't handle her saying "No" then I can't ask. Not until I'm ready.
More reinforcement of being her friend. Avoid pursuit. Avoid laying it on thick in regards to romance.
Go at a steady pace. MARATHON NOT SPRINT. Pace is very important.
Time will tell if W is responding to the changes and she becomes increasingly warm to me.
Expecting R vs. Longing for an R. Explained that it's ok for me to long for an R. Look forward to the day she is beginning to show remorse.
Ask her a friend how the concert was, show interest, concern, care, but DO NOT PURSUE OR CHASE.
Again reinforcing building a good foundation.
Brought up the fact that during our talk two days ago she had to "detangle" from her unhealthy friendship with her friend and she's going to attempt to R with her friend. DB coach told me to use that as a parallel for my sitch.
Find opportunities to spend with her. Family time is great. I may ask her for dinner with D4 tonight. Maybe.
Follow up in two weeks.
As far as my feelings go, the nightmare effects will not go away. I'm pretty bummed out and feeling slightly hopeless. W is spending night at OM's place again. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but obviously it is. I keep thinking of the stuff W said previously and how before our S what she said was mostly true. But I also know to not believe anything she says and 50% of what she does. So I'm conflicted.
Stepping back, this is only month 1 or month 4 of DB. Normally things occur from month 5/6/7. So I have a way to go.
Even though I'm happy at the progress I made, the feelings i'm feeling now remind me that I'm still in this painful sitch and there is no end yet in sight.
W seems to want to talk more. I’m still responding at my own time and in short replies. Temptation to talk more is there but I would feel this is a little too soon (pursuit).
DB coach session 2 this morning.
I’ll provide details if MC and DB session following completion.
No advice here pain, but the last 3 nights I've woke up in a sweat after having nightmares about W and OM. And as far as I know, W and OM were never physical, and are no longer in contact. But I can relate on the bad dreams. Not fun. Hopefully it gets better
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I've been out of commission....wanted to check in with you.
All I can say after getting caught up is that I feel very good about your sitch. I don't know whether it will end in R with your W or not. But I do think that you have the tools and desire to come out a better person either way. Your progress is really great. All the feelings, the mistakes, the hopes that you have had. I had the same. I pray for you and your family.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Now I see the need to GAL. I've been at home with a very hyper D4 trying to motivate myself to so something (Trying to be cheap). I did two small tasks and have mostly been...obsessing about W and the time she is spending with OM.
My neediness is really taking a toll on my mood and I'm feeling some pain again.
I know I have made great progress since I starting DBing full force, but today is considered a fairly significant down day. I haven't crashed. And I don't have anxiety.
Just feeling really depressed. Hopeless. And sad.
I have always wanted her back. My mood is screaming desperation for her now. Not attractive at all. But I'm safe to express it safely in the confines of my house.
I'm ok. I'm working on turning it around for a better day.
