My last post stated: Every interaction is an opportunity. My biggest hardship will be OW. Knowing he’s leaving us at night and seeing her. Knowing someone else is out there falling in love with MY husband, and he’s allowing it. I don’t really know how to overcome those emotions now that I know about it. I don’t know how to let him leave everynighg knowing that’s what he could be doing. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to get through that without losing it.
I am struggling SO much this morning. As ive said, mornings are the hardest for me. I was working in the living room and heard a noise outside and looked out the window and H was there grabbing some tools. He didnt knock on the door or anything to say hi. I know that is his way of respecting my boundaries. But what was feeling like a pretty good morning IMMEDIATELY changed.
I started thinking about how I KNOW he spent the night with OW, and still not able to wrap my head around how Im supposed to act around him. How do I not tell him how much this hurts me? Im just supposed to let him leave here tonight and go to another womans house without saying that its killing me? Im supposed to just let him think im ok with it?
Makes me so sick to my stomach. The first OW lived in a city 4 hours away, so I knew he wasnt seeing her like this. THIS is a whole new ball game. THIS is a girl who lives in our city, works at the bar he goes to, is under the impression theyre in a relationship, and theyre probably spending every night together since ive asked him to leave here. OF COURSE he is going to fall in love with her. When you spend that much time together.
I think my hardest thing is just not showing him how much this hurts me. When I found out, i stayed very calm via text with him and I told him things like "It is what it is." And I acted like I wasnt completely heart broken about it and that we just need to stick to parenting from here on out. When really im dying inside hoping this blows up in his face.
Im really getting sick of this. This has been a year of me taking one hit after the other, and hes had no consequences, and then when I call him out on OW he denies it and goes on a tangent about how sad his life is right now and how hard it is. AS IF MY LIFE IS BETTER THAN HIS RIGHT NOW?! Hes in the bar daily, with friends, with a new girlfriend, living some new fun life, and im heartbroken at home everyday! I dont understand how he can FLIP this!
This is why detachment is so important. So many get detachment wrong. it isn't going dark, or ignoring, or being cold. It is simply that the WASs words and actions no longer affect you emotionally. That is what you are striving to get to. A place where he can say and do anything and it rolls off of your back like water off a duck.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No. You can still love him but not let him affect you. It takes time and work. No question, but it can be done. And it doesn't mean that later you may not become emotional thinking about your interaction.
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Does he realize how much him dating someone else hurts me right now if I dont say it or show it and we dont discuss it?
Sorry but there is no gentle way to say this, but he doesn't care. Waywards think about no one but themselves. I've told you I think he is even visiting D only to have a case for 50/50 custody. I've seen it a million times if I've seen it once. If it wasn't for child support he probably wouldn't be visiting with her at all. This is why WWs that leave their families for OM completely will abandon even their kids. Because OM is financial stable enough to not have to worry about needing support after D.
This is why we say believe nothing he says and half of what he does. Plus right now you want to be removing all pressure and pursuit. Discussing your pain is putting pressure on him. What he will hear is "you are hurting me and I want you to stop".
The other reason discussing it is counterproductive is because he already knows. In order to do this he understood going in that doing this, when you found out, would cause you pain. Of course he knows it. I mean you told him flat out that you couldn't live with him if he was with an OW. He couldn't show you his phone to prove he was innocent so he left. Why do you think showing it or saying it will give him any new info. LBSs typically ask that to try to guilt the WAS back. But guilt will only be a temporary fix, and in short order he would be back out doing all this again.
kech, I know you are struggling but this is why reading the book is so important. And this is why reading the feedback here is so important. You've admitted that you, by nature, are a doer. And you are back to thinking there is something you can DO to get him to wake up. You can't. If there were then this forum wouldn't exist because we would all do the action that worked and save our marriages.
Trust the process. It is hard. It is difficult. It hurts. But there are a lot of posters that chucked DBing to try to ACT their way to R. And have looked back with regrets. DBing is not a guarantee of R. But not DBing is almost a guarantee of D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So wouldnt detachment basically be falling out of love with him? At this point id love that. This is pure torture.
Hi Kech, sorry that you are here- I've been following your sitch but wanted to chime in. In regards to falling out of love- I think you need to continue to love him but at a distance. He needs to go his journey alone for now. And this goes the same for you - take the time to find out what makes your heart and soul dance again. In another thread I read you have to treat the WAS/WWS as if they were in a coma. You still love them and want the best for them but they need to survive and persevere this situation that they are currently in. Just focus on rebuilding you to the better version Kech 2.0. Good luck on your journey!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I think my way of thinking is, if I dont let him know im hurt by this, then he will think I dont care and he will tell himself "well she doesnt care anymore, so clearly she doesnt want me back. Plus, It would be too much work with her, so ill just stick with the OW"
I just dont want to keep giving him passes to go do all these things as if they dont affect me, because they affect me SO much. All I can do since Saturday is picture him with her.
Its so weird how things have changed. I am the type of person who likes to play my music loud and decorate the house for holidays, and do fun things and have people over and go out and do stuff and H enjoyed that too but he was also always ok with being in bed early, quiet nights renting movies. And yet for some reason since all this happened, I feel like im such a boring person. Or that he perceives me that way or something. Now he is off in dive bars every night, dating a girl who seems like a free spirit that lives how she wants, she also has a daughter, but im sure he perceives her as fun, carefree. And im just the bore at home taking care of our 6 month old.
And I know thats not true, im doing things, he even commented how im always doing a million things, but I dont think I come off as a free spirit by any means. I cant really explain it, its almost like I have things TOO together for him anymore. He all of a sudden views me as someone who wants the white picket fence and the perfect husband and the perfect family, when thats not it at all. Id live in a trailer with him traveling, I dont NEED anything! I lost him and my world fell apart and I had a BABY and ive just tried to adjust.
I work 8-5 everyday but from home, and I feel like that too him became a turn off too. Like he goes to the bar and watches these girls sling drinks and get hit on and its like all of a sudden that became his thing, what he liked in a woman. And im just the girl at home making him pay bills and trying to make him into something hes not or something. Hes rewritten everything and I feel like I cant do ANYTHING to change his perception of me. And I feel like finally I was getting there and then this OW gets thrown at me and im lost again.
I am reading the book and I definitely take the feed back on here and read it over and over, I guess im just not as patient as I thought. Its been a year in 2 weeks of this nightmare and i would have NEVER thought after a year we would still be dealing with this. I thought for SURE we would be fine. And CLEARLY were nowhere near fine. Were much closer to a D then we are a R. I know I need to be patient, im just so afraid of BD after BD. And him dating someone else is just really doing a number. Today and yesterday have just been SO weird. Thursday-Saturday he was wanting to be here, wanting to text me, wantingto spend time with me AND the baby, and then Saturday night i found out about everything and then I feel like he probably felt bad even though he didnt say it, and Sunday he probably felt a little lost and he texted me a bit, and then I feel like yesterday maybe he committed his loyalty to her.
I know that sounds crazy but i just know my H so well. I feel like he tells these OW at some point that he is with them and only them, and thats when he stops talking to me as much. Its like since he screwed it all up with me, now hes going to make it work for sure with them. And thats why he didnt reach out to me yesterday and hasnt reached out to me today.
I dont know. I cant believe how many times he told me "Im not looking for anyone else. My mind is not at all on other women,thats not what im doing right now" and thats literally ALL hes been doing, while ive been not showing any other men attention even though i could be. Im starting to think I need to delete social media. I dont even know anymore. I cant believe I have to get through ANOTHER woman and this one lives here. I just dont know how my emotions will take it. I want to detach. I have been reading and reading on it but I wish there were ACTUAL things I could do to get there and it just seems all mental. And im not really sure how to just detach from someone. But ill keep trying
So wouldnt detachment basically be falling out of love with him? At this point id love that. This is pure torture.
Hi Kech, sorry that you are here- I've been following your sitch but wanted to chime in. In regards to falling out of love- I think you need to continue to love him but at a distance. He needs to go his journey alone for now. And this goes the same for you - take the time to find out what makes your heart and soul dance again. In another thread I read you have to treat the WAS/WWS as if they were in a coma. You still love them and want the best for them but they need to survive and persevere this situation that they are currently in. Just focus on rebuilding you to the better version Kech 2.0. Good luck on your journey!
Thank you Lone Wolf. The coma idea is a good suggestion. I just WISH I knew he would come out of this and regret this and try to make an effort for our R. I know everyone wants that. But I just feel like each day I get further and further from it. I want to grab onto him and stop us from continuing to float away from one another, because thats how it feels.He seems so lost, but at the same time its like as long as he has OW he will never really hit rock bottom and have to feel the loss of me. Its so upsetting. I just know what a hard time i Have ahead now that he has OW and everyday is going to be hard
So kech, what you said reminds me of Don't Let Me Get Me by Pink
"LA told me.... You'd be a popstar..... All you have to change..... Is everything you are......"
What your response above said to me was:
"If he told me..... I'd be his wife..... All I'd have to change..... Is everything I am....."
Do you want to change who you are? Or do you want someone that accepts you for who you are? Because let me tell you, if you try to change for him you will be miserable. And eventually you would want out.
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and then I feel like yesterday maybe he committed his loyalty to her.
WHAT? No, he committed his loyalty to her when he decided to have an A, and to text her while he was "spending time" with his D. It sounds to me like she got fed up with him trying to keep a foot in both places, and told him to choose one. Now he has to try to smooth talk you, play on your fears, and try to keep you attached, while keeping her satisfied with his actual presence.
You detach when you start seeing him for who he is. You keep mentioning the OW. LBS always focus too much on the AP. She doesn't matter. Your problem is not with her as much as you think it is. It is with him. If it wasn't her it would be someone else.
The problem you have is that you aren't seeing him for who he is, but who he was. You are seeing an ideal of him, not the him that would cheat, and lie, and use spending time with your D to get a better deal on child support. You are holding on so tight to the vestige of who he used to be, that you can't see that the person he has become is not desirable.
You are stuck in your own fantasy just like him. Your fantasy is that he is who you married. He isn't. That person is gone and in his place is a conniving, lying, cheating, scumbag who isn't worth to lick your shoes.
How do you detach? You realize your own value. You take back your own power. You realize that he isn't worthy. And then you treat him like the cashier at the store. You are kind and polite, but detached. If that means falling out of love with him then so be it! Sometimes that is what it takes to move on.
I've told you this before, but until you are willing to accept everything I just said, are ready to move forward with or with out him, and are ready to be okay no matter what, then you will be paralyzed in fear.
Are you in IC? I highly suggest you get into it if you aren't. (Sorry if you've already said.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
i was in IC when this all first started, but I havent been since then. I know i need to, I reached out to someone recently to set something up. Need to follow through.
Its like the only time I feel ok is when I feel like theres hope for him and I. And I know my only hope is DB. Im sticking to it, im just struggling with the unfolding of this new OW. And I will continue struggling with it, if only on here to vent. Not to him
i was in IC when this all first started, but I havent been since then. I know i need to, I reached out to someone recently to set something up. Need to follow through.
Its like the only time I feel ok is when I feel like theres hope for him and I. And I know my only hope is DB. Im sticking to it, im just struggling with the unfolding of this new OW. And I will continue struggling with it, if only on here to vent. Not to him
I told you a few weeks ago, when you say his car at the bar, that he was likely seeing someone that worked there. So Saturday shouldn't have been that big of surprise. The problem is still you aren't seeing him for who he really is now. You are holding on too tight. You have to realize that the person he has become, if you met him for the first time right now, would be such a turn off to you that you wouldn't give him the time of day. Then start letting go.
And yes keep venting here. Even if we give you some 2x4s!
Last edited by Cadet; 09/11/1803:21 PM. Reason: combine posts
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
