I know that we got along with our co-parenting. We only argued once, because I updated my FB profile. I remember that vividly.
What's more important, is it allowed her relationship to fizzle out and for her to see that the grass wasn't greener. It really wasn't any of my concern though. I was detached. Have you read drop the rope analogy? I know Sandi used to post it.
Something jumped out of me about what you posted. What I gathered, is that you fear that you don't have enough time. Is that accurate? Is that what causes you anxiety about next week?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Yes hats exactly how i feel. That he will rush to divorce now that he’s so angry and I won’t have enough time to continue DBing before divorce. I know it’s for me, but that is my biggest fear right now
I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but fear will slow down the process. You have already discovered what is likely the worst part. The is a Mike Tyson uppercut from last weekend.
You have to believe that he doesn't deserve you right now, because he doesn't. He truly has a long way to go to deserve an opportunity to earn his way back into your life. I know, easier said than done.
Keep being the best Kech possible and lead the way. Try to focus on the positives in your life.
Here is something for you to think about:
An Old Cherokee Tale of Two Wolves One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’
The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’
This is such a lovely story: so simple and yet so true. I think each and every one of us has these two wolves running around inside us. The Evil wolf or the Good Wolf is fed daily by the choices we make with our thoughts. What you think about and dwell upon will in a sense appear in your life and influence your behavior.
We have a choice, feed the Good Wolf and it will show up in our character, habits and behavior positively. Or feed the Evil Wolf and our whole world will turn negative: like poison, this will slowly eat away at our soul.
The crucial question is “Which are you feeding today”?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
kech, actually I do remember an incident in early Feb. Again before I really started detaching. She had offered to let me see her cellphone a few times. Of course she didn't know that I knew (from my snooping) that she was installing and uninstalling apps. So I finally said "so I can look at your phone, install any app I want and have you log into your account on that app?" She said sure in a very reluctant way. So on the first or second Saturday of Feb. I woke up that morning and it was eating at me (see, not detached). So I said, let me see your phone. She unlocked it and handed it to me. I installed a couple of apps and had her log into them. Sure enough, I started finding things. Her OM and an the previous (2005) OM were both top contacts on FB messenger. On a game app with messaging I found another guy that was saying some very inappropriate, racy things (including that he had sent her a pic that she thought I might have, seen, but I hadn't). Admittedly with that guy she wasn't reciprocating, but she wasn't shutting his smut talk down either.
She left the room after a while. Then she came back into the room she said: "On Monday please contact your lawyer and file for D." I said, "okay, where is this coming from." She said: "I think we are done. You are never going to trust me again."
I stayed calm. I restated that I was against D and wouldn't file. And that she was right, trust was going to take consistently trustworthy behavior from her for a long period of time.
My point is that this recent anger towards you is just a blip on the radar screen. They go through crazy ups and downs like that. I wouldn't sweat this anger, it is a phase. It will pass. Look how many times he's threatened "dissolution" and hasn't followed through on it. His anger is the half of the "don't believe half of what they do" that you shouldn't believe. It is manufactured, and it is anger at having got caught.
Last edited by Steve85; 09/14/1810:19 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but fear will slow down the process. You have already discovered what is likely the worst part. The is a Mike Tyson uppercut from last weekend.
You have to believe that he doesn't deserve you right now, because he doesn't. He truly has a long way to go to deserve an opportunity to earn his way back into your life. I know, easier said than done.
Keep being the best Kech possible and lead the way. Try to focus on the positives in your life.
Here is something for you to think about:
An Old Cherokee Tale of Two Wolves One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’
The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’
This is such a lovely story: so simple and yet so true. I think each and every one of us has these two wolves running around inside us. The Evil wolf or the Good Wolf is fed daily by the choices we make with our thoughts. What you think about and dwell upon will in a sense appear in your life and influence your behavior.
We have a choice, feed the Good Wolf and it will show up in our character, habits and behavior positively. Or feed the Evil Wolf and our whole world will turn negative: like poison, this will slowly eat away at our soul.
The crucial question is “Which are you feeding today”?
THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Well said LITB.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you both so much. The wolf story is great. I am going to write that in my journal tonight.
Steve, thank you so much for the reminder on the anger. He texted me earlier and asked if he was scheduled to see her tonight. I said he was welcome to, that I wasn’t home yet. He said he was still leaving work and he thanked me.
He came in and I was making dinner for the baby. He was definitely approachable for the first time in 5 days. He stood in the kitchen with me which I found odd, he kept coming into the kitchen but not really saying anything. Then he said he needed to be somewhere by 8:30 so he would prob head out around 8. I said ok that sounds good, I am leaving but should be back right around 8. He seemed slightly annoyed or like made a face when I said I was leaving. Maybe he assumed I’d stay since I wasn’t making her dinner, I don’t know.
My stomach dropped when he said he has somewhere to be. Never has he done that. He would normally not tell me if he had somewhere to go and lie about it. Is this a bad sign as if he is ok with me knowing he’s off doing things? I don’t know if he expected a reaction, because normally I would have given him one. And I didn’t at all. I was very nice and so was he. He took the baby and dog on a quick walk, then he said to me “are you waiting for these to cook to go?” I think he could tell I was kind of rushing around to get out the door but the potatoes were still boiling. And I was like well I’ve never made them before so they still need to be blended do you mind doing it? And he said no not at all. I told them they needed to boil a little longer, said to have fun and I left.
I’m sick to my stomach now about whatever he has to go do tonight. Obviously he’s going out. What a life he lives seriously. Going out with friends like a college kid again every night. Dating a new girl, new sex, living the life. While I go home to sleep. I barely can even look at him anymore. And I don’t think his clothes are still in his truck, which makes me feel like they’re prob at OW house. Literally I could vomit right now.
LITB, thank you for saying you feel like this past weekend was the worst of it. I definitely hope you are right! I hope you’re both right that the dissolution won’t happen (anytime soon at least), but him being ok with telling me he’s going out tonight and being nice again, it’s like now what? Clearly I can never be pleased. I didn’t want him to be mean and angry and now he’s being polite again and I’m scared by that too. I’m scared he’s now being nice and telling me he’s gojng out because he’s just facing the fact that we’re going to divorce and coparent.
I promise I’m not crazy. I just get on here and type as soon as these things happen when my head is going in 50 different directions. It’s a marathon not a sprint, but if he falls in love with this girl I’m just going to continue getting hurt. I know I have no choice but to wait and see and let it play out but I feel like I just keep getting punched in the stomach! When I detach I know it won’t feel this way every time but man oh man. Sometimes I feel like he’s testing me too. Like someone is telling him “say this to her, say that.” But he’s really not the type to talk about stuff like this with friends so I don’t know.
Wow I still can’t believe this is my life. This is my husband just living it up with someone else. All that excitement in a new relationship, the partying, the fun nights, even the relaxing nights in with a new relationship. A marriage doesn’t stand a chance. I hope it fizzles out and I hope when it does I REALLY don’t even want him anymore and he has to earn my love back like you said LITB. I know I’m so much better than all this. HE KNOWS. He’s a lost soul right now
Returned home; he was again pleasant to me. Told me how she did with the sweet potatoes. Told me he gave her a bath, I said cool thanks. Then he said “alright I’ve gotta get going to shower” and I said alrighty see ya! And he said bye nicely
Funny he has to tell me he’s going to go shower, when he’s been showering here. Whatever. He’s such a jacka**
Kech, he still has you wrapped around his little finger and he knows it. I have made all these mistakes and I am still making them, but in your sitch I can see what needs to be done, please take a step back. I can only suggest to you what helps me sometimes to alienate myself from the sitch Imagine WH is dead, ask yourself what you would do if he was dead, does it matter what this person who is not him says or does Give yourself a date in the future, that is the time needed to be the best Kech you can be. Decide YOU are not ready for any romantic R, with WH or dating someone else until then because you need that time to heal, to love yourself. Until then, you are enough, your baby is enough.
Thanks arsh, can I ask why you say he has me wrapped and knows it? I feel like I’ve been much less responsive to him lately and stepping back. How can I improve in your opinion? I felt like I was doing pretty good but am willing to take any 2x4s and suggestions you have for sure!
