Please don’t think I am being too critical, it’s the toughest thing one can go thru in life and you have a baby like me so I know how much harder it is for us. You are reading too much into what he says and does, I agree you are doing so much better than even a week ago. In a month you will be much stronger but until then try hard to not focus on him. Limit the contact as much as you can, until you feel more grounded don’t be around when he comes by. Parallel parent until you gain more confidence and make it all about you. Your D is too little you have all the time to figure out coparenting if it comes to that. Kech deserves better her D deserves better, show this to him in your actions
I definitely don’t think you’re being too critical at all! I genuinely want all the suggestions anyone can give me! I’m open to doing what I need to do. I have a very hard time with tough love and I’m trying but it’s a hard balance when trying not to give him any ammunition and also trying to show him I know I deserve better. I know there’s a balance there, finding it is what I’m having trouble with. And he doesn’t make it any easier. If I don’t respond to texts quickly he assumes I’m ignoring him and gets rude, it’s so frustrating. He’s very self serving right now, not thinking of anyone but himself. But throwing me crumbs. I’m on to him, I’m just trying to rise above it. He can think whatever he wants, but I’m hoping in time he will see I’m not backing down from my boundaries. I’m not asking anything of him. I’m letting him have all the freedom he wants, he’s living whatever life he wants to live. And when he’s still miserable months from now and doesn’t have me to blame, maybe he will see it’s not really all on me.
Wishful thinking I’m sure. But maybe by then I’ll have embraced this all for the opportunity I’ve been told it is.
I’d love to read the drop the rope thread and the lighthouse. Haven’t been able to find either
Drop the rope:
"The Bridge"
There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see clearly where he wanted to go.
Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he came close, only to be pushed away. Often he applied all his strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not come again.
Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from their long-dormant positions.
Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order to protect it from the floods of spring.
He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though the other was coming to greet him. He could see clearly, however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed similarly except for something tied around his waist.
When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length of 30 feet.
The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end a moment?"
Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.
"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "two hands now, and remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.
Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the ropes length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull. Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and after having caught his breath, looked down at the other dangling, close to oblivion.
"What are you trying to do?" he yelled.
"Just hold tight," said the other.
"This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.
"Why did you do this?" the man called out.
"Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost."
"But I cannot pull you up," the man cried.
"I am your responsibility," said the other.
"Well, I did not ask for it," the man said.
"If you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.
He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound burden, even temporarily.
"What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below.
"Just your help," the other answered.
"How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you."
"I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope around your waist; it will be easier."
Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.
"Why did you do this?" he asked again. "Don't you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?"
"Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."
What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt me forever."
With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump off the bridge while still holding on. "That would teach this fool." But he wanted to live and to live life fully. "What a choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?"
As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible choice to have to make.
A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it still and steady.
"Now listen," he shouted down. "I think I know how to save you." And he explained his plan.
But the other wasn't interested.
"You mean you won't help? But I told you I cannot pull you up by myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either."
"You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I die."
The point of decision arrived. What should he do? "My life or this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional way of thinking.
"I want you to listen to me carefully," he said, "because I mean what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life I hereby give back to you."
"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid.
"I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew against the side.
"You cannot mean what you say," the other shrieked. "You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me."
He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope.
"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.
--From "FRIEDMAN'S FABLES" by Edwin Friedman, published by Guilford Press
Wow. In my month on this site, I never saw that story before. Thanks for sharing.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Staying busy today. Decided to get out of the house early for some shopping with the baby and now getting ready for a bridal shower. Haven’t heard from him but keeping it moving today!
I think I ran into that on one of the other message boards before I found this one and committed to it.
It’s hard for me to read because in a sense my WAW is the person on the bridge, at least in her mind.
But it speaks to the importance of detachment, validating the authentic individuality of the person who is making decisions we don’t think are right. “Loving detachment,” allowing them to choose what they think is best for them.
Will we be waiting at the end of the bridge when they crawl up the side of the canyon?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Thanks ovrrnbw. I can’t wait to get there. I do usually hear from him daily, so the days I don’t are tough. He texted yesterday morning that he would mow the rest of the lawn and weed whack today. I just returned home after being gone all day and it’s 6pm, and he hasn’t been here to do the lawn.
What’s the point of even telling me that? I don’t know how many times I’ve told him I can’t rely on him anymore, this is a perfect example. And he doesn’t see it.
