It is clear that your H's behavior is a source of unhappiness to you. I think it is a good idea to put some boundaries in place.
Have you put together a schedule? If you are going to discuss dissolution, that should be included.
How about setting up an appt(s) with an attorney?
I think that the dissolution convo petrifies you and it is causing you a significant amount of fear. Sometimes fear can paralyze us from doing certain thing. For example, seeing an attorney and placing boundaries, because it might feel that doing things means accepting the end of something that we treasure. I believe allowing fear to influence the way we navigate, leads us to the land of regret.
We can avoid reality, but we cannot avoid the consequences to reality. Prepare yourself, Kech. Remember....you and your H are not on the same team(aside from co-parenting). He does not have your best interest, which he has demonstrated. You have to proceed with that in mind.
Don't believe for a second that your H can't sense your fear and won't use it to his advantage to manipulate the sitch. Like you, he thinks he knows you well and I'm sure he remembers that you had agreed to be amicable. Don't get caught unprepared.
You don't need to help facilitate it, but you best be protecting yourself.
Yes, I am repeating myself here, because being prepared is that important.
I'd also suggest to find a couple of solid people that you can rely on for support. Like helping get task around your house taken care of. Is your family still unaware of your sitch? I think you said you have a brother(s)? Don't be proud.
You are doing great. This is a process. Keep doing your thing and keep posting.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
The Stockdale Paradox is incredibly profound and it fitting for what I am trying to convey.
Originally Posted by Cadet
STOCKDALE PARADOX:
"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality."
Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the "Hanoi Hilton" for almost eight years. He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book. How did he survive while others did not? "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties." He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple "optimism" - and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: "and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism’s carrots' evasiveness create - until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one's current life situation measures and apportions one’s energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I am preparing myself, thanks LITB. I truly DB in front of my H more than I think I convey on here. When I am typing here, I am fearful, I am heartbroken, I am scared of everything that’s coming my way. I am divulging my deepest fears and feelings here because I am not able to divulge them to him. My former best friend. My husband. The one who is now breaking my heart and turning our world upside down.
When I am around him I am calm, I am upbeat, I am polite, I pull away a bit, I play with the baby and smile, I don’t start any serious conversation. When I am not with him I do not reach out. When he reaches out I tell you guys in here and I think about my responses. I express my fears SO much in here because it is the safest place for me to do so. I do not want a divorce in any way shape or form, I am terrified of it and I am terrified of the custody issues that come with it. I think these are most likely normal fears from anyone in this position. I did not step out on my husband, I did not fall out of love with my husband. He did these things to me, he now wants to discuss divorce and he now wants me to share my time with our child because he no longer wants the life we planned together. It is scary, heartbreaking, terrifying, earth shattering. I have a 6 month old baby With the love of my life and am in a part of my life where I should be happier than ever and my life is crumbling around me.
All I want to do is text my husband right now and say, come over. Let’s not talk. Just come over and lay with me. Hold me and tell me we will figure this all out. And if it wasn’t for this forum, I would probably do that. And he prob would have a week ago. But with DBing I am finding he is very angry with me. Yes, this affects me because if someone is being blatantly rude to you every single day, it is going to affect you. Detached or not. No, I’m not detached but I’m working my a** off to get there. I woke up at 6am, got myself and my 6 month old ready for Church. Went to church, came home, left the baby here with H all day while I went out and GAL. An hour of the day I sat in my car and read DR.
What I am saying is that I really do come on here and I vent and I cry and I spin out and I probably sound crazy, but it is because I truly want to do this. I take everything you guys suggest, I think about it, and I try to put it to use. Hell, my husband went from living here to not living here in a matter of 5 minutes because someone suggested I tell him to let me see his phone or he leaves. And I did just that and he left. As he should have. I am struggling right now because I feel like the anger my husband is showing me is in a large portion to me ignoring it, acting like I don’t see how rude he is being. I am DBing and he is becoming angrier and angrier and it is leading us straight to divorce on a fast track. So I just wish there was a way to send this out to the masses on these boards and see if anyone has had a h react this way with SUCH anger. Or maybe I am seeing it all wrong.
His anger is not deflecting me from dB, it is just concerning me as far as divorce and custody are concerned because I can see him letting his anger take us down a path of pure destruction. And that is a horrible feeling when I feel like i Just want to say to him to calm down. Take a breath. I’m still me. I’m still here. I’m not out enjoying myself, I’m miserable, so stop being so angry!
I know that would get me nowhere, I’m just confused and afraid because this is SO against all instincts. All I want to say to him every time I see him is “what is wrong? Why are you SO angry with me?” But I know I can’t.
Our next discussion will be discussing the dissolution this week. And I will tell him again, I do not want a divorce, but I will not stand in your way. I am preparing myself for this as best I can. I literally feel like I would be handling all this like a champ if the looming thought of divorce wasn’t constantly held over my head by him. I am doing ok living alone. I am doing okay not looking at social media, not going by the bars, trying to get through my days. And then he throws in a curve ball like divorce or custody and I fall apart. I wish I knew if he meant it. “Believe none of what they say” I get, but I have to prepare for this because he is repeatedly stating it and is this week. Anxiety is at an all time high. Please send positive vibes my way. Thanks!
I can feel your frustration through your post. You are really doing well being that you have been here a short time. It is one of the main reasons that I have been following your sitch so closely.
Unfortunately I am unable to dedicate as much time as I would like to these forums that played a key role in my growth, so I will follow 2-3 situations from time to time.
Did you read the Stockdale Paradox?
Also, have you ever considered that your H's affair is like an addiction to him and you stand in the way? Perhaps that is why he is angry with you. Maybe because you are taking away his cake. Maybe because people that are addicted to something, will do anything to get their fix. Like steal, cheat and lie. The truth is, we just don't know for sure.
That's why detachment, boundaries and GAL are so important. I believe that you have a bright future, because you do follow advice.
Hey, how was church?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I am giving him the freedom to have his affair though, I am not standing in his way, asking anything of him. I don’t ask what he does, where he goes, where he sleeps, nothing. I told him a week ago I know about her and he said there is no one and I basically said “I already know. It is what it is. We only need to communicate about our daughter from here on out”. And I have stuck to that. Haven’t brought up OW since.
Thanks for saying I’m doing good. I am trying. It’s just hard to feel like I’m doing good when I’m not getting the results I’d like. But I know I can’t control him or his anger that he’s directing at me.
Church was great. Went with my family and then we all went to lunch after once I dropped d off at home. I had a nice day. It was just not the same without having my baby girl with me and then H ruins it with all his mean texts. I just wish things were different. His moods are a rollercoaster right now and everything is directed at me because I think he’s too prideful to just say he’s feeling confused and hurt and he IS seeing someone else and doesn’t really know what to do right now or what he wants. If he was honest with me and could chill out, we would be able to have a really great honest discussion like we’ve always been able to. But when he’s this mad I can’t get through the barrier. So I don’t really know how to slow down the speeding divorce train that he’s driving
Any words of wisdom today? Feeling down, feeling nervous about the upcoming convo this week. Fear slows the process I know, I wont let it get in my way of DBing.
So I don’t really know how to slow down the speeding divorce train that he’s driving
The answer is: YOU DON'T
The D dynamic is just like the other dynamics related to DBing. If you try to slow down that train it will make him more determined to speed it up! (Pursuit-distance, etc.)
So your goal is to ignore it. Don't try to slow it down, but don't lift a finger to help it. Make sure the printer is turned off and disconnected. When he asks about it again, tell him where it is. Make him set it up, put paper in it. Etc. HE SHOULD DO ALL OF THE D work. The only things you should do is anything that is court ordered.
Another example: When he asks you for documentation necessary, you point him to where it is. Make him go get it. "Oh, that's in the safe, here is the combination." "That is in a file in the filing cabinet. Not sure where exactly as it has been a while since I've been in there." etc.
Kech, you keep ignoring us related to talking to a lawyer. YOU NEED TO DO THIS. I was like you too. I desperately didn't want a D. The thought of it made me sick to my stomach. But knowledge is power. One of the best things I did in my sitch was talk to a lawyer. It did several things:
1) Gave me the knowledge I needed for what to expect, and what the process would be. With kids involved there is no such thing as a quick D. It is a long, drawn out process. He'll have to be fully engaged all along the way. Finding this out made me realize that she likely wouldn't follow through on any of that. Your H sounds very similar to my W in that regard.
2) It helped me get over the D stigma. Actually discussing it with the L gave me a sense of power and control. I couldn't stop her from Ding me, but I also didn't have to be a innocent bystander in it either. The L asked questions and set the expectations about how the EAs affected her case. Etc.
3) It hit her with a dose of reality! When I told her a couple of weeks later that I had talked to a lawyer, I saw her confidence just sag. She realized that this was not going to be painless, and she wasn't going to get off scot-free. Lots of her dirty laundry would come out (waywardness, EAs, business/financial problems, etc). Your H has a lot to worry about there as well, so once he finds out you talked to L he'll realize that the D is going to expose his warts. And he'll also realize that his hopes of getting 50/50 custody will be slim (he left the home, he spends copious times at the local bar, etc).
4) It made her realize that I was going to be okay, no matter what. WASs bank on the fact that the LBS wants to avoid D so bad that they will agree to almost anything as concessions to "play nice". Talking to a lawyer wakes them up to the fact that you have a backbone! And that while you still don't want a D, you will do what is necessary to be okay post the D.
Do not overlook the power of 1-4. It is profound. EVERY LBS that has been threatened with D should speak to a lawyer EARLY in their sitch. It alone can help turn your sitch around.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for that. That actually did make me feel a lot better about speaking to a Lawyer. He is definitely under the impression we can just sign paperwork and be done with it. I spoke with my boss who has been through a divorce and knows a little about my sitch. He said he has an amazing team of lawyers he will give me the info for.
Although it scares me and goes against what H and I have promised eachother, I do want knowledge.
goes against what H and I have promised eachother,
Sorry, but promises went out the window with OW. And be sure to mention that to him when he inevitably gets angry when he finds out you talked to a lawyer.
"We promised to keep lawyers out of this!"
"Yes, and we also took vows to forsake all others. I guess you get to pick and choose which promises we should adhere to?"
Last edited by Steve85; 09/17/1801:34 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thats good to say, and very true! I think going into the convo I will let him take the reigns, let him look through all the paperwork and kind of tell me where he wants to take the next step and then I will try to think about my reactions to him, etc. I do not want a D, and I will say that to him. "This is not what I want but I will not stand in the way of it"
I can only really hope that he doesnt enter the conversation with the same anger he showed me yesterday.
