2 years ago WW had an A. Him and his girlfriend were in our circle of friends. We had been to each others houses etc. She had told me she was "speaking to him" but that was it. A few weeks prior to this she was talking about divorce and how we needed to end it.
What I didnt know was she bought a plain ticket to go on a sales meeting out of state. But he told her not to come (1st time he dumped her). So she planed a great vacation for us instead. Instarted off great. Then the 2nd day I caught her hiding her phone when I came into the room. He was contacting her again. She pulled away and that brought him back. This is when she told me that they had had sex. Which I guess I kind of thought it anyway. The rest of vacation was a bummer as I could sence her distence from me. When we got home I snooped her phone and found emails from him sucking her back in with the ILYs.
We had a big fight before she went to work. She actually went in early. I drove to her work and she wasn't there yet. She was meeting OM at his place of work. I called OMs girlfriend and told her what was going on. She said he just told her he loved her and was staying with her. I informed her that the same day he said that her he was emailing WW that he loved her. A few hours later WW told me he texted her that he was staying with girlfriend. (Breakup 2).
A few weeks go by and marriage isnt good. WW distant. Still wants a D. Denied communicating with OM. Which she was. I found texts. They were bad. Talking about sex. I had not read the DB books yet so I was doing everything wrong. I begged her to tell me what was going on. She just needed to be alone, wasn't leaving me for anyone. Finally one day I had had enough of the stress. When she is feeling bad or upset, especially if its her fault she will avoid confrontation. I gave her 10 minutes to talk to me and be honest. She refused so I sent pics of texts to his girlfriend.
This blew everything up. Girlfriend kicked OM out. He spoke to WW. She packed a bag and they were off. Stayed at hotels for a couple days until WW got an apartment. Now be for all this happened I told WW this guys is using her. He sa8d he loved her but his text did not seem loving. We all remember how gushy our texts are when we are falling in love. Anyway, they get the apartment in her name only. I actually helped her move stuff in. (This was pre DB). The second night there he cmes there and says he is staying with his girlfriend. She is crushed. Immediately calls me and says you were right about him.
I of course think this nightmare is over now and we can get back together. Nope. She still thinks we need a D. House was listed but never ended up selling in 6 months. I found on some website talk about not chasing them and they will come back to you. That was the extent of the info. So in my crude way I started to DB. And it started working!! She did date a couple of times, nothing serious. When her 3 month lease was up on the apt she moved home.
We were doing MC and eventually the counselor said we were good and did not have to come back. I was happy. The problem was we had talked about my issues that contributed to problems but we never dealt with WWs issues. Also never worked on how to deal with the affair and aftermath. When looking for a therapist make sure they are promarraige .ours was good and highly trained but more of a individual therapist.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So fast forward 2 years. We still do this activity where we met om. He isn't around. They moved out of state. I would always get depressed when we did this but I figured I could tough it out. But it was kind of like ptsd. In August we got in a big fight and we didnt speak for several days. One of these days happened to be her bday. I know I am an a**!! She goes out with her sister and bil on Saturday. No calls no texts. She does not come home until 7am on sunday. Some guy OM2 dropped her off at the end of the driveway. Of course she was spewing how we need a D.
This is when I found this site. I already knew that begging and pleading and crying do not work. Of course that does not mean that I don't still do all of those things still. I moved to the spare bedroom for a couple weeks until I read about Sandi telling LBS to take it back. I struggled because I wanted to be nice. Read a book on NGS, thats me. But I told her I am moving back because I did nothing wrong. She agreed and moved to the spare.
I told her the other morning to call the lawyer because I do not want to do this anymore. She started running the numbers and got mean and sarcastic. She will have to pay me $$ and I have the health insurance so she would have to get her own. A D would not be good for her! I tod her its not what I want but I cant stop her. She was going to call lawyer later that day. (Still has not called). She ended up making dinner and we had a good night. She talked about taking our new dogs on a vacation but then caught herself when I asked about it.
She is still texting om2 usually just stuff about what he is doing during the day. Just kinda friend stuff. Her phone is unlocked and she says I can look at it but the fact that she is still in contact with him pisses me off and i have told her so.
This process is soooo slow. She touches me while walking by or calls me hun and I automatically think problem are over. We are back together. But this is going to take alot of work and counseling.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
There doesnt seem to be alot of discussion here about actual mental conditions of spouses that leave. For example my ww had a father that was distant and a mother and step father that are both functioning alcoholics. She has never gotten any professional help with it until now.
She is seeing the IC that we went to 2 years ago. The first meeting they had a few weeks ago. Ww told her we had a fight about the first affair. Therapist told her we need to split up if I can't get over it. Th9s 8s the same therapist that said we were good and didnt need to come back. Never gave me/us toold to help deal with the imence pain of the A. Not very marriage friendly! I was real scared that all her reasoning for leaving would just be reinforced. But that doesn't seem to be the case. I have my own IC that seems pretty good. She agreed to go with me to see him next week. Hopefully she goes.
Things are looking slightly better however she is still texting and talking to om2. But I look at its an addiction and its going to take a while.
I am retired so I have been looking for a part-time job just to keep busy. We dont really need the money, unlese we D. But being that I'm older it hard because all they see on my online application is my age. But Im in excellent shape, run bike work out. So that will take some time. One of the things ww would say to me when she was angry was that the only reason I stay with her is for the money. I pointed out how much better off I would be if we D. That made her think.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
The problem is that everyone has mental/emotional issue these days. My W had an abusive (to her mother not her) father. She had a rough childhood through age 10. Plus her relationship with her father has never been good. On top of that, her mom remarried and her step-dad, while pretty good father figure, eventually crossed the line when she was in her late teens and propositioned her. Her mom then sided with her husband over her daughter.
Obviously this had an impact and has affected my W in her adult relationships. Including ours. She also has a problem of letting go of past hurts, IE forgiving. That has obviously had a big impact on our relationship.
But here is the thing. None of it matters. If your WAS is defective or right as rain, you still need to detach, GAL, and 180. It doesn't change what you need to be doing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Agreed. I guess I am still trying to mind read. One of the hardest things I think is trying to make sense of how they can do such destructive and painful things to people they care about.
But you are right. It does not change my path.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
Yesterday was a better day. Before she went to bed we were talking about a book her IC wanted her to read. I asked her how it was. She said meh. Its a codependency book. I wasn't sure if she was supposed to read it because of us or her alcoholic mom and step dad. She wasn't sure. I said that these self help book are always good to read because you always learn something. She said, You are always so positive.
I almost laughed in her face. She has been saying for weeks how I am always angry and a Debbie downer. Chaulk one up for DBing!!!
Fast forward to this morning. She was leaving for work and had her hands full. She turned to give me a hug and I kissed her on the cheek. I wish I didn't do that but it was force of habit. Got to try harder next time.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
A few days ago WW was getting some old clothes and shoes ready to donate. I was kind of sickof limbo and not really knowing what is going on with with R and her talking to OM. I told her to call the lawyer because I am done. I kinda ment it. This stress is exhausting. She sat down and we scribbled out the financials. She will have to pay me $$ from her retirement account so that really upsets her. The argument ended with me telling her its not what I wanted but I couldn't stop her. She said she would call the lawyer after she took a nap.
So an hour later she was up and about. Being very pleasant to me. She worked out and then she made me dinner. We had a pleasant conversation. She actually mentioned taking our dogs to our favorite hotel in Vermont. I smiled and said what are you saying? She said oh nothing.
Needless to say she never called the lawyer!!
Last night she sends me an email (we are in separate BR). Its about this biking vacation in CA that we had talked about.
This morning I asked her about it. She said she would rather have this expensive piece of exercise equipment instead of a vacation. We could go in the spring when we have some bills paid off.
Tonight I asked her if she is working or wants to work on the marriage. She said she isn't sure and that it probably won't change. I asked her why is she talking about vacations then. She says I don't know, I thought it would be fun.
So then I said we can work on MR and/or go on vacation but she needs to go NC with OM and full transparency. She said I know.
Last time she came back I was just glad to have her home that I had no stipulations. That was pre DB days. I know better now.
M 55. W 43 T 12. M 8 1st BD 9\16 W moved out 11\16 Recon moved back 2/17 2nd BD 8/12/18
