My husband and I started our family at a young age (18years old) we have been together for 7years and married for 2years. July of this year I found out that he had 2 affairs, one that he regrets and one that he had an emotional affair with, he did develop a major crush on this woman who is also married and has 3kids but says now that he doesn’t talk to her anymore. Since then he has told me that he is not in love with me and wants a divorce but is in no rush to file for a divorce because he wants to see where this leads us? I don’t quite understand what he means by that since he says that his mind is set on divorce. He is battling depression and anxiety. He has now turned in to kind of a macho man and has told me about woman who have wanted him in the past. I know I’ve hurt him in the past by being bossy or pushy at times and I was not the best wife. He says that I made him feel less and made him feel like his feelings did not matter. I apologized and asked him for a second chance but he says no he doesn’t want this marriage. We argued in the past a lot about giving each other attention and about him not expressing his feelings to me. My husband just turned 25 in August and I am 24. Is this a phase? Will this pass with time? I’m working on being a better wife to him even though he friend zoned me. We are civil and friends but I’m so broken. I am also 8months pregnant with our 3rd child. I hope this is just some phase and I am just going to hang on till it passes and work on like I said being a better wife to him and work on myself plus work on being the best mother to our 3 kids. I feel like he is going through some kind of rebellious stage in our marriage and that it will pass. I have been nothing but kind to him and I give him his space. We are young and I am a stay at home mother while he works full time. He use to sleep on the couch (his choice) but now he started sleeping in the same bed with me. He sometimes slips and calls me “baby” or does things that he use to do but then catches him self. He also told me that he doesn’t want to talk about this anymore till after the baby is born (November).
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
He is a WH, likely still engaging with, in one way or another, an OW. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too, which is common with wayward spouses. You are going to have to use tough love with him, it will be the only way to get through to him. But even it isn't a guarantee.
As far as talking about it, you should NEVER bring it up. Read all of cadet's links. Do you have DB/DR? If not get them and read them. Read other people's sitches (kech's has many similarities to yours).
Dig in and get ready for the longhaul. This is a marathon not a sprint. You are going to have to be patient.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry to hear your all to familiar story. You found a good place for support.
I assume you want to save your marriage. The processes is not easy. The only thing that is guaranteed is YOU will be a better person after going though it. I have seen some bring their marriage back. Others D and co-parent. And others are just gone. You can control how you interact with H and what you will or will not put up with.
How can we help?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So i have not been arguing at all and I’ve been nothing but patient and kind to him. We’ve been civil and just friends but I have been giving him space I don’t text him at all unless he text me first. We are young parents to 3 beautiful children and he is battling depression. I do believe this will pass as long as I remain patient and kind and keep my distance... I do believe feelings will change and I am willing to wait till he figures out what he really wants. He says that his mind is set but then at the same time he says stuff like “idk if there is any hope for our marriage “. He is confused but will deny it. I feel like he is going through a rebellious stage. Idk
I am sorry you are here. You are in the right place. And you already have the attention of Steve85 and Ready2Change so you're going to get some good support and advice. First off, know that this is really hard and it can take a long time to save a M that is so damaged. So know that there is no snapping of fingers or ways to trick them back quickly. Start by reading Cadet's post and the links in it. Many of them you should read several times. It takes time to soak in a new way of thinking about your R with your WH. Order or buy Divorce Remedy and keep it safely hidden somewhere. Lastly, keep posting. Even if you don't get responses or answers right away, just post at least once a day and journal your thoughts and feelings. You can also start by reading another posters threads; her name is kech and she posts multiple times a day so it's a very active thread. Lots of people weighing in on her sitch.
Take care of yourself and your kiddos first, and just let him be for now. You will read this again and again. DB is about saving yourself, in hopes of saving your M later.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
My definition of a wayward spouse is: They have turned or are turning away from what is right and proper, i.e., to be wayward in one's affections and turning them towards another person (OP). No longer investing in the marriage/relation that they are currently married into or living as a couple. The other people tend to stroke their egos and they get a "euphoric rush" when they are getting attention from others and not their spouses. They tend to share not only their feelings, but their thoughts with the other people and not with their spouse/companion.
OW stands for Other Woman, OM stands for Other Man.
Unfortunately, no one expects their spouse to go off the rails and become wayward or have a crisis. That's why it hits us hard and by surprise when they do something completely out of the ordinary. From what you posted, your h doesn't sound like he grew up and now feels a bit trapped with two children and another one on the way. Everyone goes through stages of growing up, i.e., life transitions, i.e., 12, 18 20, 30 40, etc. ages. If your h didn't grow during his late teens/early 20's, it could very well be he's having a bit of a crisis at the moment. I would suggest that you try to detach yourself as much as possible from his drama, focus on you and your children and the one on the way. I would only discuss with him what is important, i.e., bills, the children, etc. I wouldn't freely share too much of what you are feeling or what you are doing during the day. If he wants to know about you, etc., allow him to ask you and you can be honest with him. The more you attempt to bring him back into the marriage, the more he's going to pull away.
It's not a sprint, but a marathon and there are no guarantees that your marriage will survive, but if you read the links that Cadet has provided and continue posting, you will discover that you are not alone. DB techniques are not only here to help try to save your marriage, but they are for YOU. They teach you how to react/interact w/your spouse, as well w/others that cross your path. There is a thread on detachment...read it and reread it again. There are a number of items in that thread that may be of help to you.
Keep the focus on you and your family, dig deeper for patience and continue to post. Try to remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He has to do this himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much! I do believe this will pass. Like I said I’m focusing on becoming a better wife and mother for my husband and for our children. I will keep my distance but be kind and patient towards him. You are right about the growing up thing. He has said before that he wants to be “free” and not “married”. This crisis will pass and he will snap out of it. I’m preparing my self for a long winter. Because only time will tell how long it will take. He started taking antidepressants so that’s good.
