Husband cheated, left, trying hard to DB 3

[kech]

A month ago he was still living in the home with me. He was still coming home every night. Since starting DBing I asked him to leave. That was tough. Then I gave him all his stuff, that was tough, He cried. He was upset. But since asking him to leave he has jumped all in with OW and each day that passes he just removes himself more and more from me. I feel like I should have never asked him to leave the house at this point honestly. He was cake eating, but at least he was there and we could have probably eventually built off that. Am I wrong in this thinking?

[burned]

Am I wrong in this thinking?

I would say yes. Not sure how it applies to WH/MLC but I spent a few months trying to appease my WW and the only thing that happened is that she lost what little respect she had left.

"This guy is so weak he won't even stand up to me. Why would I trust him to protect me?"

That kind of thing.

Stay strong. Counterintuitive. It works, they keep telling us.

[lost8]

I wish my WW would leave. Her A has been going on for 5 months now and you know what, now they are fighting, you know why, I'd like to think it's because they are relaxed and the honeymoon is over and WW is not comfortable not having her security blanket anymore.

The excitement is over and now they are both looking at each other like, now what? Let them go to get them back, it hurts, I still struggle but you have to do you.

[Twofeet]

This may be the toughest day to date. I really almost just called him to see if he would meet me somewhere. I just want to cry and let him see me hurt. Hes only seen me be so strong the last 2 months. I am just faking it all so much, I am falling apart a bit.

Fake it till you make it. You fake strength, but you will catch up and eventually be as strong or stronger than you are portraying.

[SteveLW]

And I cannot imagine how in the h@LL he is SO fine. Steve, in your sitch did you ever have a certain amount of time go by where WW just seemed completely fine in her own life without you? He is not living at home, I only see him now on the evenings of Tuesday Thursday Friday and Sunday and I see him for about 5 minutes total. And the communication we were having in between has now stopped for the most part. How long do you just go on as if youre heart isnt breaking into 2 when you know theyre just building a foundation with someone else? Its like if I dont step in he is going to just completely fall in love with her and forget everything good about us. I just dont know how long I go on like this. It has been about a week since our communication has dwindled down like this and I just feel like im losing my mind. Somethings gotta give.

kech, yes. My W for a good 2 months, a little more actually, was completely happy and enthused when discussing her new life without me. And she was depressed and sad if she ever discussed giving up that dream. At one point, related to not wanting to ruin our D's life she said "well I guess I can just stay married and be miserable". She once said she thinks she could stay for our D if we slept separately. The point was there was nothing in what she was saying or doing that there was in room in her for mind for properly Ring and moving forward together a H and W. And it was hard.

But guess what, she moved closer to R when I was happy and upbeat. And closer to D when I was sad and depressed. WASs have already reconciled in their own mind that they have to hurt you to get what they want. When you are hurt then they are find moving forward because that's the way its supposed to be. "I want out. I have to hurt you to get out, therefore when you you are hurt I know that everything is moving forward properly."

When you aren't hurt it makes them go "Hmmm, what is going on? I expected her to be devastated. For her to beg me to stay. For her to crying to me every night to change my mind! She seems fine....hmmmm, I need to keep an eye on this."

I feel like I should have never asked him to leave the house at this point honestly. He was cake eating, but at least he was there and we could have probably eventually built off that. Am I wrong in this thinking?

This is terrible thinking and it isn't based on reality. He was there......AT NIGHT. You admitted he was ALWAYS GONE otherwise. This is kech trying to romanticize how great things were before she stood up for herself and kicked him out. Sorry for this 2x4, but LBS are masters at rewriting history too.

But hey, if you want to be with a lying, cheating, drunken absentee H and father then don't let us stand in your way. Call him up and invite him back home. It didn't keep him away from OW before....and it won't keep him away from OW now either.

[BluWave]

I only have 2 minutes at the moment. Yes, I thought about my WH and OW all the time. Yes, it gave me incredible anxiety, depression, and kept me awake every night. I spun like crazy! I was a complete mess. When I finally started to let go a bit and step back, I also felt like he was slipping away more. And recall, I knew the worst: they had a full on relationship! She lived down the street, our kids were still school friends, and I knew her well. (just didn't know she was a manipulative & personality disordered)

Here is the thing I want you to really let sink in. Knowing what you know, and even knowing worst case scenario, does not mean that you need to act on it. When in doubt, do nothing! You will not make your situation better by reaching our or trying to rationalize with him, you will not bring him closer, and you will likely feel worse about yourself afterwards. As long as you have any expectations, you are at risk for more disappointment.

It hurts like h3ll. I know, my dear, I know this pain. I have had several hardships and deaths in my 40 years, and absolutely nothing comes close to that pain and devastation of when my H left me for OW. Nothing. I still have so many scars.

This is what you can do right now. Take it hour by hour and day by day. Take care of you. Learn to self soothe. Rely on the people you trust. Self care every day. Focus on baby! She needs you now. Allow yourself to find moments of joy. Allow the good moments to get longer and longer. Put him on the back shelf for several months. You CAN do that. Read Sandis rules daily. I promise, over time, things will slowly slowly get better. Let him go. You are too good for him. You and D deserve a real man, and he has lost himself for now, that man and M is actually dead.

Blu

[lost8]

^^^^ truth about trying to make you feel sad and hurt...it's almost like an agenda. It frustrates the heck out of my WW when I don't engage in her rants and anger. She seems to care more about where I am going and why am I dressed like that and who am I with.

I am enjoying GAL more and more and she is enjoying it less and less. Funny how now I am looking forward to things and she is miserable. Was quite the opposite a few months ago.

[LITB]

Kech,

If it were me giving myself advice in your sitch. This is what I would suggest.

1) Find someone else to take care of the task that your H has repeatedly failed to do in a timely manner.
2) Get a consultation with an attorney to know exactly what you are up against from a legal standpoint.
3) Stick to a schedule for your D and limit your convos with your H to only your D.
4) During the exchanging of your D, have someone else in your place to be present. This will help limit your interactions with your H.
5) Consistently see your IC, which I am happy that you have an appointment today.
6) Fill your calendar with GAL activities.

I realize this is a tall task, but the inconsistencies in your interactions are causing your emotions to be all over the place. This will help you detach and be consistent.

[kech]

Thanks everyone. I think I really felt like I had somehow been through the worst of it and that it would start getting easier. Or I fooled myself into thinking once I made him leave the house, he would fall apart and come back, like he always has. I guess I didnt take into consideration him really having OW and him EVER being willing to 100% put me on the backburner. This is a really harsh reality and boy am I facing it.

I just had a cry session. I swear it feels like i'll never stop. I dont know why such a huge part of me just wants him to see me sad so he can see what he has done. But I guess you guys have said that would not be helpful for my sitch. I think sometimes I just get worried that since I act upbeat, he will really think im just fine. And that makes this easier for him in a way. "Oh, shes fine. Shes living her life. So im good having another OW because she isnt even hurting and I dont feel bad about it."

Is that not a logical way of thinking? I know I want him to see me as strong, confident, GAL, bc that is attractive to men, aside from just being good for myself. I know I would want us to rebuild a new relationship and our old one is dead and gone. But I just wish I had spoken up a few weeks ago when he said he was so sorry for all of this and he sees all these changes in me and it hurts his feelings and he wishes he had handled everything differently, etc. I wish I had said to him, this is what you wanted and I am letting you go....instead I said we were doing the best we can for the baby. WHich I think is fine to say. But I just wish so many things.

I know its better to show with my actions than tell with my words anyways, but I swear I take back ever not wanting him to be angry like he was a week ago. I thought that was the WORST. Now he seems okay and I take it back. THIS IS THE WORST. Im starting to forget what kissing him is even like. I feel like hes just completely falling out of my grasp in everyway. I mean this is some real heartbreaking sh*t, i just never knew this could feel this bad.

I keep feeling like I have no power. Like I had it a while ago and I didnt do the right things fast enough and now ive lost it. I need reassurance in myself that im going to still have a great life, im going to be a great mom still, I am 31 and have a lot going for me. A college degree, im a homeowner, a mom, I have a good career, I have an AMAZING family, I have AMAZING friends. I am keeping SO much bundled up inside I am just falling apart at the seams. I used to feel like wow he will regret this so much. But now, with OW involved, I dont know anything about her. She could be amazing and he could see that and feel like she is who he wants to spend his life with. The FIRST OW, I didnt feel any competition towards. This one, not knowing anything about her, knowing hes spending so much time with her, she seems like a free spirit, which is just SO up his alley. I just feel like I cant compete for some reason. I just bring REAL LIFE to his world, and she brings fun, carefree, love life type of energy.

I have worked for my boss now since I graduated college, so its been 9 years. When my H and I started having problems, I had to tell my boss a little bc I needed a few days off work. We went to lunch one day, and he watched me cry and he talked to me and he said to me, "You know, H married up with you. You know that dont you? He married up, and he knows it. And now its too much for him."
And sometimes I am afraid that is how my husband feels. Its like he all of a sudden convinced himself that I want the white picket fence, and the 3 kids, and the cookie cutter life and he doesnt so he needs to get out. He has made comments like that before and I tell him THATS NOT TRUE. I want YOU!. I want us. We could live ANYWHERE as long as we were together thats all I would care about. But he has himself convinced otherwise. All I bring to his life is a house with bills, responsibilities, plans, things he has decided he no longer wants for some reason. And when I say to him "you have decided you want a different life, you should have it" he says to me thats not true.

I feel very stuck. I feel like my H has rewritten history for a year now and it has all become true in his mind and NOTHING will change that. I wish I could keep those thoughts of confidence of how much I have to offer and what a good catch I am and he will see that and he will come back, but all those thoughts go out the window when I think of OW and the similarities they have and what he sees in her that he couldnt find in me anymore and just the complete freedom of it all for him now that his nagging wife it out of the picture.

[SteveLW]

kech, so do you want him to want you? Or do you just want him back even if he'd rather be with someone else?

I am sorry, but I personally couldn't settle for being a consolation prize. And a person with a strong sense of self-worth wouldn't want that either.

He may choose to come back. He may choose to file for D (I think it is very telling that he hasn't) and be with OW. The point is that it is his choice. You have no power over that choice.

But you DO have power. Over you. And that is what we've been telling you. IC. Talking to a lawyer. Finding happiness outside of your MR, and internally in yourself. That is your power.

His choice is you or not you. Your choice is to be happy no matter what, or to be miserable one way or the other.