I have been reading through the responses on my previous thread and I am sad that I was put in this situation and maybe didnt handle it the best way. Blu, you are right. I know I am far too easy on him. And I know I am being given such great advice and then moving forward how I feel. I get a little jumbled by his texts. Part of me feels like more of the same is me ignoring him. So I tried to do a 180 and actually tell him I am letting go.
I am upset he responded at the end that he also needs time, because he is just wanting times to solidify his plan A and giving me bread crumbs as plan B. I do know what he is doing, so I am at least proud of myself for not giving into the whole "I miss us, im not over you, I dont want to move on to the next" game. I just said let me sit on this, I need to think about things for myself. He isnt trying to come home, but he is trying to dangle me along with him and I dont want that because I do NOT want to go through this hurt again. I want to keep pushing through. R2C, you nailed it when you said the thing about if I am pulling away and it is working, keep doing it. So that is what I will keep doing. Steve, hearing you say I did good MAY have been the highlight of my day. But i know I can do better like Blu said.
He is not fooling me. He sent me a song to listen to that was basically saying hes stuck between staying and loving me or leaving. I can literally SEE him trying to have his cake and eat it too right now. He has OW, but he wants me on a string if he ever decides to come home to his family in the future. And I dont want to make him think thats okay, but I dont know how to say that in words the right way. So I will take the time I asked for. I will keep doing what ive been doing. When he comes tonight, I think I will leave even faster than normal. I have some errands I need to run and things i need to do. Tomorrow I have a bridal shower to attend with the baby and it will be the baby and I's first official saturday night where we know he is not scheduled to come by. So I am sure we will find something to do.
I dont want this to backstep me. I know that normally a situation like this would bring me hope and I would start having expectations just because he said a few nice things, and I know better now. I know to believe none of what he says. I just hope he doesnt take our conversation as him still having me on the hook when I said I need time for myself. I said to him that I am letting him go, and thats what I need to do.
I dont know how he doesnt see that all this time is coming between us and we are completely detaching from one another. We are becoming strangers in my eyes. But I guess thats what he is now anyways. Hes a stranger. Because the man I married would never do any of this.
If it were me giving myself advice in your sitch. This is what I would suggest.
1) Find someone else to take care of the task that your H has repeatedly failed to do in a timely manner. 2) Get a consultation with an attorney to know exactly what you are up against from a legal standpoint. 3) Stick to a schedule for your D and limit your convos with your H to only your D. 4) During the exchanging of your D, have someone else in your place to be present. This will help limit your interactions with your H. 5) Consistently see your IC, which I am happy that you have an appointment today. 6) Fill your calendar with GAL activities.
I realize this is a tall task, but the inconsistencies in your interactions are causing your emotions to be all over the place. This will help you detach and be consistent.
Hi Kech,
I posted this to you yesterday and think it got lost in your eventful day. I am also sorry that the IC was unhelpful. I wouldn't go back.
By chance, does the church you attend offer any marital counseling? I found that to be the best support for me.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Continue to distance yourself and detach from his behavior and remarks as much as you can. When he senses you pulling away, he will either be nice or get a bit nasty to rope you back into being right where he left you. No one should be a Plan B. You are the prize and he needs to see that you are not going to be waiting around for him to make a decision, i.e., that you are the prize and Plan A.
Please try to remember that words are just words. Actions speak louder than words. He can tell you all sorts of things, but unless he's ready to work on the marriage and return under your roof as your husband, then the words mean absolutely nothing right now. Also, try to remember, this is all about him and what he thinks he's missing out there in the world. It's not your job to make him happy, therefore, he fired you as his wife at the moment. You can't control/fix him...he has to do that.
Take time to read the thread entitled, "Distancer and Pursuer. It will give you some insight as to how they will attempt to rope you back into the dance of uncertainty.
Stay strong...we are here for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kech, everything Blu said you needed to hear. While I think you did good it was based on how low you were feeling this week. Do you have strides to make, be absolutely, but you could have done a lot worse.
WAS especially WS do have a struggle internally. I saw it with my W and documented it in my threads. She described it like being in the drive thru at McDonald's, you know the double drive thrus? Should she go to the right or left? Positives and negatives to both, so she's stuck at the fork trying to decide.
Think about it! That's a good thing! That shows he hasn't moved on to the OW and forgotten you like you feared.
But you still have work to do!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you guys! I appreciate all the info. LITB, I am glad you reposted that. I did see it yesterday but it’s always good to reread stuff, I do it often!
Job, thank you SO much. Everything you’re saying makes so much sense. Words truly do mean nothing right now. His actions still show something completely different. I’m going to read that thread. I think I have in the past but it describes my H and I well and is something I need to bookmark.
Steve, I love the McDonald’s analogy. It does make me happy to know he hasn’t forgotten about me does still struggle with this all even if he isn’t showing it. tonight was his night with D and he didn’t show up... which has never ever happened. I’m not sure if he took my “I need time” comment earlier as me needing time away from him, bc I have done that to him before in the past. Or I’m not sure if he didn’t realize tonight is his night since we just started the schedule. I sent him a text asking if he was still going to make it and haven’t heard back so I’m assuming he is already asleep or just out and not looking at his phone. I really don’t think he would ever just skip knowingly though, truthfully.
Just another hurdle thrown in my way. But i fed the baby, gave her a bath, had some cuddles, put her to bed, and now I’m going to have some mommy time alone and I have some things to make for the bridal shower tomorrow. Not letting him not show ruin my night. I have a feeling it was a miscommunication, which we both need to get better at, me included. So I’m going to just see what comes of this and keep moving forward with my weekend as planned!
Last night is a perfect example of H backing out on responsibility.
This is where reducing confusion comes in.
This is where clarification comes in.
Even I am am unclear on your parenting arrangements.
Tuesdays, Thursdays,Fridays, and Sundays. Clarify the times. Plan the EXACT times. Write it on paper (or email) and ask H if this works for him. Ask if he thinks it is enough D time. If he says no, ask him shat other time he wants.
Today, get confirmation on Sunday exchange.
If he gets a pattern of missing D time, you can call his BS.
Every year before Christmas, I have to draw out my understanding of all the exception to the exchanges. I send it to MsR2C to confirm we are on the same page.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You’re right R2c. He called me around 10pm and said he is Saturday nights. And I said no you are Friday nights. He apologized a lot and asked if he could come Saturday night because he thought it was every other day for some reason.
I said he could come tonight and we hung up. He texted me twice after we hung up saying he was sorry and I didn’t respond. I’m very angry and upset by everything he’s doing.
Thank you I will. I can’t help but feel so angry with him. I’m afraid I’m going to come off as rude because I just am beyond hurt by what he is doing. He has no idea what it feels like to know he is off with OW while I’m at home alone with the baby on a Friday night. My stomach has been turning ALL day.
I haven’t heard from him foday but I’ve been at a bridal shower all day and I plan to leave the moment he comes to see the baby. I can’t help but feel like everything he said to me yesterday was just such a lie. Detaching will be the best feeling ever bc I can’t take this h@ll much longer
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