Last week were sleeping together and kissing. Now barely touching. IC told me it’s called an attachment injury and that it’s a real thing that hurts. I can’t keep doing this to myself.
As an outsider observing, it seems the injured person (LBH) continues to seek healing/resolution from the offending person(WW).....but she is not on board for his healing, b/c she is currently too self absorbed. As he pursues the source of his relational pain, he experiences further emotional injury. How much pain does he take, before he stops engaging with that source?
Has your IC recommended or encouraged the steps one would take to heal, If the offender is not involved (attending couples sessions)? This is not a snarky question, b/c I am genuinely interested in what you have been advised. I can see an IC working with a "couple" to restore healing to a relational injury. How do you heal from an attachment injury when the offender continues similar patterns that leave you feeling betrayed, abandoned, rejected, etc.?
You, like hundreds of other LBS, seem to believe that if your wayward spouse would just reconcile the MR.....it would take care of your healing. Therefore, you pursue the one who hurt you, trying to convince them to give the M another chance...…..and you risk experiencing it all over again, plus more......b/c just getting the spouse back is not enough. Speaking as one who has never worn your shoes, it just seems crazy to continue touching that hot stove. I'm not saying it's crazy to want to heal your wounds. I'm just saying that you aren't getting healed by trying to convince your W to give the relationship another chance. You keep drinking the Kool-Aid she's serving, and it's eventually going to kill you. I get that you love her. But I also see some things you are considering, if it might cause her to be more interested...…... and I have to wonder if it is compromising your personal standards. Maybe it isn't, but if having an open marriage, or engaging in a threesome feels as if you are compromising with who you truly are as a husband, father, and man...…...then please don't go that route. Pull away and stand on the principles/standards, religious/moral grounds that you believe should guide your MR. Once you step over that line where you are compromising.........it doesn't take much to engage in situations that you never would have dreamed that you'd stoop to that level. You don't have to cheapen the MR by sharing your W, just b/c of she's having wild fantasies. You don't have to continue playing her mind games of "on today & off tomorrow". Take a stand, and hold a higher value for the institution of marriage. Know your boundaries, and draw the line Don't sell it off for some cheap thrill...….and don't settle for anything less.
Before I rebelled against my MR, I was seen as one with very high religious/moral standards......b/c I lived it. However, I had developed a wayward mindset and what followed wasn't pretty. When I stuck my toe over the line (you know what line I mean) and flirted with some guy while gaming online...…..I compromised and told myself it was harmless flirting. I don't know that there is such a thing as "harmless" flirting, but at any rate, it was easier the next time to carry it a little farther. In a matter of days, I was engaging in behavior that, previously, I would have staked my life on NEVER doing. Not me! I was the good girl. I was the proper Christian wife and mother. Listen, I didn't even recognize myself, once I really got into it. One thing leads to the next, and the next, and fogs the view of your moral compass. It's like the meter on your moral consciousness has malfunctioned and you don't even feel guilty after a point. You just dive off into deeper waywardness, b/c it gets easier to do and takes you farther away from the person you were designed to be.
You cannot join the wife in her wayward behavior or lifestyle b/c it will not gain her respect for you as the leader and protector of the family. She has to see you standing on a higher ground...…..like a lighthouse. Just b/c she has lost her way, don't lose yours as well.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I still stop and read. I'm gonna be honest, with trying to be offensive. Did and his wife both play the game in my opinion. Ain't no way he's gonna stop sleeping with her. It's basically what he has wanted. He also wants the marriage back but he's also been wanting to be with her sexually for quite some time. He can barely go two days without speaking to her in some form let alone turn her down for sex.
I personally think her interest in him sexually is a good sign. Not meaning they will work out but a positive sign. She is very obviously jealous of him being with other women. Am I the only one seeing that? I think that is why she asked so many questions.
Ill add. My first husband had these same fantasies as her, threesomes and such. I was not down for that at all and got over talking about it. I'm all for spicing it up but that gets a lil much. I'll add, I've never had another partner want to discuss having sexual experiences with another person as a way to get there rocks off.
Please start a new thread. This thread has reached the 100 posting/reply limit. Also, please link this thread to your new one and vice versa. Many thanks.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
