I guess this is piecing

[Did]

Old thread (a lot happened towards the end of this one) - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2816130&page=11

Currently W and I are talking about therapy. Fantasies are just that fantasies. Whether it turns me on or not is one thing. Doing it in life is another. She would no way do a 3soem with another girl. So why do it with another guy. She blushes when I even talk about this stuff face to face texting about it is another story. I think she has a text addiction with the oxitocin release of the positive chemicals. She is in this text fantasy many times but has had an experienced partner and learned alot about herself sexually. She says he was like a teacher and maybe she needed that for us to satisfy each other.... who knows. She is running on emotion. But we have had some deep talks and she recognizes this and is starting to at least think and try to consider things logically. She said she wants to write things down daily about things she wants for herself and for us. We will discuss these things in therapy. I have an appointment 10/9 with the sex therapist / marriage counselor. This woman is a doctor and highly thought of. W has said she needs the appointment and has so much on her mind. So she is going to see her first by herself. Then I will see her, then we will meet her together. Hopefully all before 10/24 when I go to Hawaii.

Today we did errands went to playground, out to lunch as a family. Her parents came over and I stayed for a bit said hi, then went to the gym. I have told W my dealbreakers she can not love another man and be with me. She is going to feel a sense of loss having to stop this pen pal sex relationship with OM2. She needs to be in therapy. She needs to tell her friends and family about us. If she does these things we can talk about a relationship. But until then Im not committing to anything. There are a lot of things to work on but we are communicating and we are completely honest. She has told me things that hurt and make me jealous. But talking through them is so much better. We are not hiding our phones or dating other people as far as I know at this time. She has said she chooses me, she says she loves me.

Is money an issue, sure. Could she be doing all this to extend support. But I do not think of her that way. Otherwise I dont think Id love her. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt there. She has talked about future home living together multiple times. So she is thinking of a future with us together. I think she is living in fantasy land with the sex etc. She isnt working or doing anything besides parenting and sexual fantasies as I can see, yes she cooks, grocery shops, has 2 girlfriends exercises etc. But I think that is all she has. We agreed she needs something more.

Now she sees me and thinks Im this amazing man. She sees me as a dad as a provider, a lover and thinks of me very highly. She definitely has some things to figure out. She sent me something on Instagram tonight like let me clean up my mess and asked me to sit there and love me as she gets through it... something from someone else on IG. But she wants it and Im not pushing.

Anyway as far as I can see we are piecing. I can hardly believe it and Im trying to take it with a grain of salt. I cant really trust her. But it feels right, natural. It doesnt feel as crazy good as Id expect not having her for so long. It just feels normal, like I married her for a reason. Marriage means a lot to me when I talked to her about that she told me I was an alpha man. I love her, shes the mother of my child, shes smart, sexy, deep but deeply troubled. We are very different but we have a lot in common too. She has agreed to therapy which is a huge step. She has said she is going to tell her friends and fam about us. I will wait and see Im trying to hold my heart in check... half expecting it to fall apart. I know she has strong feelings even loves OM2. She mentions us in the same breath a lot. She said something about him keeping the door open for the two of them I said obviously Im not ok with that. You cant love someone else and be with me. You cant report our sex and emotional stuff to him and be with me. She knows she will have a sense of loss there and she has cried about it and talked to me about it. She says they havent seen each other in months. She has always been into guys that are unavailable. I was that way when we met, tried to date others when we first got together.

Anyway its like a family again, I really hope it doesnt fall apart for D4's sake. Shes so happy. She is getting d4 to bed Im in her room. I coach all day tomorrow.... Ill keep posting. Definitely not going to text her much unless she reaches out first.

Thanks for the support, perspective and opinions.

[mtb1981]

I wish you the best, but I think you are far from piecing. I get it. It’s what you really want. I was there before too. Be careful. I was duped. I was told I was a great father and husband. I was told she just needed to work through some stuff and get it together. I was told to just love her and let her heal so we could be together. I was told all these things so she could continue doing all the same bull$hit she was always doing. It was just a lot easier for her to do by having me think everything was gonna be OK. In one of your last posts in your previous thread, you mentioned she was wayward x 10, and now you think you are piecing?!?. This stuff doesn’t go away overnight. Keep your guard up, man. I tell you this because you’ve gone through a lot of hurt, and I feel like you’re setting yourself up to go through some more. You’ve got too many expectations, when you should have none...

[job]

Thank you for linking your threads.

[SteveLW]

Did, hang in there buddy. I know you want to move forward but you have to have to have to have to make her do the work. You've been given a lot of good advice here. Lots of wisdom on this board from those that have been through it all. Lay aside your euphoric fog of what you want to be true and look objectively at your sitch.

Is she moving back home? Is she committing fully back to MR? Are her actions consistent with her words?

Or is she trying to buy time?

This aren't questions for you to answer, those are questions to ask yourself. Every day. Step outside of your sitch and look at it the way you'd look at a friend's sitch. And try to answer those questions.

[ovrrnbw]

Did, here's my thoughts:

-don't talk about important things over text. Not with your W, not with anyone. Unless you're locked in with terrorists pointing guns at you, there's no reason to text.
-how in the holy hell can you talk about her sexually with another man? Doesn't that bother you?
-have you read my sitch? My W has come and left many times. The last time she was home for just over 3 weeks. Talking about plans together is great for most couples, but wholly inappropriate right now. She's getting ahead of herself just like my W. And why? B/c they don't want to live in the present and deal with how their actions have degraded the relationship and trust. That's hard. And dreaming of better times and working towards that is much more satisfying. But if you don't deal with the trust issues, you will be right back where you were. Ask me how I know...
-it's good that she has told her friends and family
-do you not just want to puke when she talks about you and OM in the same breath?

I really hope that your W is serious and committed to fixing this with you, and I'm happy to see you progressing as a person and DB'er. You really have made some positive changes. Just do your best to be honest with yourself and her. I don't think you have an issue with being mean while being honest, but I do think you try to make excuses for her sometimes.

[Did]

Thank you everyone. I really dont think she is buying time. I think shes really Fd up. She has been crying. She got in a bad car accident. She said that she just hurts people is meant to be alone has nothing positive to give the world. Shes in a bad place. She says she is not going to see any other men. She has offered to show me her phone and opened her email on my phone. She is open to sharing each others phones to build trust, her idea to show me hers. She wants to get therapy. Yes she was wayward to an extreme. But she is seeing how unhealthy it was, she knows casual sex feels worse after. She has told me this without me pressing. I found some of this out for myself as well. We both have agreed we want an honest relationship. She says she wont hide anything from me. So if she chooses me and works through things I want our marriage to work as bad as I've wanted anything in my life. Maybe I want it too much. I know

Youre right we are far from piecing. But at least we are both trying.

She hasnt told her friends and family as far as I know. But she says she will. She knows my non negotiables no other partners, no telling OM2 about our sex life or emotional stuff, therapy. OM2 told her to kiss other men and tell him about it. And likes to hear her stories about her and other men. I think this is extremely unhealthy and manipulative. W has always had a thing for guys that are unavailable. I hope the therapist will see me as healthy, strong partner worth building things back and W can commit to that.

Her talking about me and OM2 in same breath bothers me for sure but it doesnt make me sick. Ive been with multiple partners, as many or more than her. Ive had a couple relationships. We have been separated we werent together. But yea it hurts.

Talking about her with other men sexually maybe its because Ive been with other women that I can talk about it? I dont know. She definitely doesnt like hearing or thinking about me with other women.

I feel pretty strong. I definitely get sad and miss her and want things she cant give me at this time. But her saying she doesnt want to see anyone else, shes choosing me. She has talked about future house together. But then she also says if I talk about our future it gives her anxiety.

She is extremely inconsistent. Yesterday early in the day she said she wanted to be romanced because she hasnt had that. Then she asks about my sexual fantasies. Then today she says she doesnt think we should be sexual until she gets therapy because its not healthy for her. Therapy appointment with sex therapist Wed.

She is bringing D4 to me and bringing food, I work 430 - 6. I plan on telling her I want her to be healthy and happy. Id like to say something about being with me when shes a good enough person to deserve me. Friday I did tell her she didnt deserve me after reading emails to OM2 and finding out she was on a date where a guy tried to get in her pants the day before we slpet together 2 weeks ago. Yea shes messed up shes made a lot of bad decisions. And now I think shes feeling the repercussions.

Still I want it all, I want her to sleep over. I want the wild sex but part of me knows I deserve so much better. Maybe I should just say Im not available to you until you treat me well... need to work on the wording there. For my self worth and mental health as well as the whole unavailable attractive thing.

Thanks again all.

[neffer]

Hey guys, let think possitive. Did, she knows your boundaries, so she is going to show her cards...

Give her time Did, you have no expectations. Just wait and see. Patience and poker face.

[ovrrnbw]

Did, don't feel bad b/c you want this to work. You are genuinely good guy, and I can see that in the way you type up your posts. You deserve some happiness, seriously.

She is still all over the place, so do your best to stay calm. Detach maybe??? Hehe...

You haven't been too consistent yourself yet, so make a 180 there and be a leader. If it was the lacrosse team you'd be leading already, but this...this is hard. This is your W. Doing the right thing seems like it will hurt you, or anger her. But now you just have to do it.

I plan on telling her I want to be healthy and happy

Ok, what does this mean? And the rest after that, it just sounds like an attack. Who doesn't want to be happy and healthy?

Im not available to you until you treat me well

Simple, easy, this works. I dunno that you should bring it up just out of the blue, but I like it. It's a clear boundary.

[AnotherStander]

I have told W my dealbreakers she can not love another man and be with me. She is going to feel a sense of loss having to stop this pen pal sex relationship with OM2. She needs to be in therapy. She needs to tell her friends and family about us. If she does these things we can talk about a relationship. But until then Im not committing to anything.

That's perfect, too many people just roll out the red carpet to their WAS and as a result the WAS doesn't do the hard work they need to in order to make recon have a chance.

She has said she chooses me, she says she loves me.

That's great. You are going to struggle with trust for quite a while, please read the threads of some of the other guys that are piecing to get an idea of what you will be going through. I never got there, but many people who go through piecing say it is the hardest work of all.

Now she sees me and thinks Im this amazing man. She sees me as a dad as a provider, a lover and thinks of me very highly.

That's awesome! It really does sound like she's got the right mindset, so congrats!

Anyway as far as I can see we are piecing. I can hardly believe it and Im trying to take it with a grain of salt. I cant really trust her. But it feels right, natural. It doesnt feel as crazy good as Id expect not having her for so long. It just feels normal, like I married her for a reason.

Just be prepared for some backslides. She's going to miss her fantasy life and may be grieving for a while. She'll run hot and cold a while, it's to be expected.

Good luck and keep posting!

[Did]

You guys are right on all accounts. Piecing is hard and I dont even know if we're there yet. W is sharing what OM text her and saying she wants to be completely honest. She won't hide anything from me and isnt being sexual with anyone else. She has told OM2 about her and I in detail... see previous posts about their weird as* relationship in her reporting her sex life to him. So he can touch himself and think of her for whatever unhealthy turn ons he has.

W is seeing the marriage counselor / sex therapist tomorrow. She said she wants to go by herself first because she doesnt want to worry about anything she says affecting me. I want to schedule an appointment for both of us but feel like I should wait until after their first appt....

Usually procedure is couples meet first then each individual but W wanted to meet individually first. I know this therapist is pro marriage so thats a plus. But I cant help being concerned about the outcome of their appointment. How many times can I tell myself something is outside my control?

Mentally I understand everything. Im a smart guy. I should be happy, this is what Ive wanted for so long. But subconsciously Im fighting myself. Ive read a lot and done therapy, I know I have abandonment issues from childhood due to my parents not being able to give me affection after losing children between my brother and I. So I have this anxious attachment thing going on which ends up driving partners away. So I am fighting this hard. Awareness is the first step but fighting my subconscious mind is hard as F.

We have this incredible sex 2 weeks ago. Then she tells me shes going to be hot and cold and she cant be consistent isnt ready to be with anyone mentally. Then distance. Then she gets drunk calls me 10 times, crashes her car gets a ride to my house with random driver, lucky she wasnt raped or got a DUI. BTW - no one has been able to figure out what she hit in her car. Expert said he thinks it may have been a tire from a truck and something hit her at a 45 degree angle down.... I think it must have been something more normal like she went offroad and hit a ditch or hill or something but Im not that expert. Then she comes over we have sex shes screaming my name all this intimate stuff.

Then she opens up tells me all the personal sexual stuff. Showing me sexy pictures, which I cant stop thinking about (FML) telling me I better be ready for next time we sleep together when she has energy. Then she is in a bad place and says she doesnt want to talk about anything serious or sexual until after she sees the therapist. I understand this, its probably smart. But I feel like sht

Detaching would be the best idea. Going to read the detachment thread and some of the original DB stuff. Advice appreciated. Having a hard time keeping my mind off her. Gotta detach I cant let her affect me so much.

Posting has really helped. I know I may sound all over the place myself. But Im pretty consistent, working, parenting, exercising. Im in the best shape of my life and Im a former pro lacrosse player. W has said you underestimate how hot you are. I just gotta back off and let her get her sht together.

Thanks all for the support. Detach, detach, detach. Edit- Actually may be better to focus on being the lighthouse and do a great job at everything else in my life that is not a mess... W knows it already- I have 2 rental properties, a great job, Im a great dad and have everything to offer a partner. Be content with myself and be the lighthouse! (Easier said than done)